DH and his ex wife have had a consitently conflicted relationship. She beat him for all of the year they were married (and fro several months before hand) and the one time he finally pushed her away, she called police and got a restraining order. He was extracted from
SS's life, though he had been "Mr. Mom" during the marriage.
BM has used every argument with DH as a reason to withhold visitation. DH had no money and could not afford a lawyer to bring contempt and did not know he could. I came along and reminded him he had a backbone. BM went on the warpath.
She taught SS that his dad was not his dad. That his half brothers were not REAL. She taught him (really I have tapes of her bragging about it) that he did not have to listen to Dad (although a meeting of the board of education on his seat of knowledge changed that misconception pretty quick). Then BM told SS he should call police if he got spanked again. DH called the police station and got a detective who told SS that spankings were not child abuse. WHen that didn't work, she began telling SS that he should misbehave more at our house so that he didn't have to come (though he had a good time and had structure and a good balanced meal at our home.) Ss said she told him to do whatever it took and hurt whoever he wanted, since we weren't his REAL family like her and her other son. He began with shoplifting (DH just told him he wouldn't bail him out if he got caught and made him apologize to the store -- we caught him inside and put things back)... then he graduated to harming DS1 - took and stabbed 12 holes in the back of DS1's right hand -- DS1 was 3 at the time. On another occassion took a plastic rod and beat welts onto DS1's legs. A third time, SS tried to strangle DS1.
In the summer of 2003, DS1 and SS shared a tent at our annual camping trip. After everything came out, DS1 told us this is when SS first began abusing him. It happened to him for 18 months at least before we found out. DS2 it had happened from May of 2004 to November 2004. I almost caught the kids on one occasion -- and I should have went with my gut... but I had known this boy since he was 5. I kick myself all the time for not seeing sooner. But I digress.
During the week just after Christmas 2004 my sons indirectly told the babysitter about their (then 13 yo) half brother "rubbing his dinky on them and putting his dinky into their butts". Babysitter freaked and would not further discuss with the kids. Kids had said this in front of a son of a County Sheriff. That guy insisted that the babysitter speak to us and tell us that if police were not called in 48 hours, he would. Babysitter told me about the incident -- the kids had been pinching one another's buttocks and had been asked about it and the whole thing came tumbling out after that.
I sat down with each child privately (they communicate differently) and asked about what happened. I tried to decipher if they were actually abused or there was a misunderstanding. They each confirmed that SS had required them to remove their pants and he had raped and sodomized them and required that they in turn place their genitalia on his buttocks.
That night I talked to my husband. I also looked online for what I, as a parent, was REQUIRED to do in my city and county.
The next morning we contacted SS's mother. She reacted defensively and gave the old line, "I'll do whatever I want with MY son -- you can't control me" when she was asked to take certain steps so there would be no possibility of SS being further accused of anything (we were worried about both additional abuse and false charges if SS was alone with any other kids). She went ballistic over the phone. So the joint decision (hubby and I) was made to call the police right away. We wrote our concerns in a letter and had it ready to mail and we spoke to the police within seconds of signing, sealing, and stamping the letter.
We cooperated with authorities. We stood on the side of the kids and kept them from as much of the criminal investigation as we could. Our position was that the end result should be treatment for SS.
SS denied having done it for a long time. But apparently when his attorney started speaking to him without his mother present, he came clean.
During the course of the investigation, the case file was mislaid and the investigation stalled for 5 months. But it EXCEEDED the threashold of having a "good" case by about a mile. It was reassigned and the female DA took things pretty quick after that.
Through the hearings, BM was so focused on how this was affecting HER that she got several tongue lashings from our Judge. (You cannot imagine how hard I prayed for a wise and discerning judge to be assigned.)
I was floored when the judge KEPT Elliott after the first hearing... because BM had not completed the
home study and "safety plan" with the probation office.... after all, she had 8 months from the original date to comply. So SS stayed in Juvie for about 10 days until she got that completed. BM actually used the defense that "the probabtion officer does not return calls" to excuse her failure to get it done. Judge stated that these were serious charges and until she complied with the requirements he could not in good conscience allow this young man back on the street. I wanted to get up and do the moonwalk or a Snoopy dance, but thought better of it.
I fought my in-laws about their position WITH BM and my step son. I explained all the reasons SS would lie to his "Bible thumping grandma" about his "homosexual assault" on his little brothers (age 5 and 6 at the time it began.) They still spread rumors that I was taking revenge on SS for all the harm done to me as a child (not true -- cause if that were the case I would have killed SS early on in all this).
The case went forward on the word of DS1 and DS2 alone.
I told the DA that I was not interested in punishment so much as making sure this was never going to happen again to another child. I also asked for a no-contact order for the younger boys, so that I would not have to fight the family to ensure that SS's presence was not forced on DS1 and DS2.
A week before the trial, the lie detector came back. SS had admitted to abuse of both DS1 and DS2 - though he was only charged with DS1's rape, as DS2 was too shy to talk about what happened until he got to know the DA better. SS agreed to plead guilty in exchange for a recommendation to the SSODA program (Special Sex Offender's Disposition Alternative.) SS had about a hundred conditions of release, but he was put on probabtion with this treatment program mandatory (twice a week meetings and individual counseling too.)
SS was convicted of Child Rape I - a felony. He is on the sex offender registry in the state of Washington but only as a level I offender -- which is not listed on the public websites. His school counselor, principal and all his teachers know. Some of his classmates know and that has been hard on him. He is making progress in treatment (it has a 12% recitivism rate -- but normal treatment has a 30% recitivism rate and no treatment has greater than 50% reoffend rate.)
SS has had to go back for a hearing to see if he was going back to finish his sentence in juvenile detention. He'd had being alone with kids greater than 2 years his junior on one occassion, he had been about town without a responsible adult (over 21) though BM KNEW her son who is 18 would not suffice. And SS had missed a meeting with his PO. All three were heard at the same time. BM and my MIL and FIL paid a $500 bail bond to get him out before trial.
BM blames this all on DH... and on me. I did not do the act. I did everything to make the best out of a horrible situation and I have only had one relapse in front of the younger boys about SS.... pretty good in the 17 months of dealing with all this crap (13 of which I have been unemployed/unemployable).
I have taken the kids to therapy. I have kept the (very tight) budget fluid enough to have $$ for DH to continue his visitation with SS -- even when it meant that the other kids get top ramen twice a week instead of something more nutricious. (How many people can you feed with 2 chicken thighs and a stalk of celery?) My life insurance and My car payment are overdue. BUT BM wants DH to spend $40 on a motel so that DH and SS can spend more time together -- now that she has to be with him every minute he is not at school, custody is not so fun, I guess. AS it is, DH is doing 3/4 of the transportation again.
So, we pay $180 a month in therapy, $300 in CS (we are at 50/50 on the CS order - so BM is supposed to spend HER $300 a month on him too, but doesn't.) Prioperty taxes jumped on our house by 50% this year.
The additional stress is taking its toll on me and I have had 2 hours in the last 6 months without a headache and I get migraines on top of them. I have become an insomniac and I sleep less than 4 hours a night -- when I do sleep. I was also just told that I have 3 genetic markers for cancer and given the family history, I have not a 50/50 chance of getting an agressive cancer (like I thought) but closer to 80% chance in the next 5 years.
And the kicker, I just turned 40. Somehow that was the last straw in my mind. I snapped and told DH's family what I think of them and have refused to see any of them until I am ready. They were so shocked that they have been more considerate of DS1 and DS2 (although I don't think my SIL is ever going to forgive me for saying she is a gold digger and sold unfettered access to her kids to grandma for $30K -- since before the $$ she was denying access to the inlaws and suddenly they can have access any time they want.) Hmmm... again I digress.
It looks like SS is going to violate out of the SSODA program. He is failing several classes (it is required he pass) and he has been absent without an excuse on several occassions.
I am vascillating between taking the high road and hating the little pervert. Regardless, I vent HERE. No matter how I feel, I have acted in SS's true best interest at all times. I refrain from killing BM (in my most insane moments) and thereby making sure SS goes to foster care, because it would hurt SS MORE to see her go (miserable PASing bitter old woman that she is) than to let this play out and pray for a better future for him. We can see the light at the end of the tunnel now since the boy turns 16 on November 1.
BM MADE him this way and is now trying to blame DH for how a child (one he was kept from seeing for over 50% of visitation over the years) turned out. BM was bitter until the end and now that she has ruined this child, she is not happy with the result. WELL DUH!
My kids say "don't bring him back until you fix him". I don't want to put them in that position at all until they get old enough to choose whether to have a relationship with him or not on their own. It is likely that one boy will choose to see him when they are grown and the other will not. It is up to them. They were the ones hurt, not me. The boys are dealing in different ways. The older (DS1) wants to escape in Nintendo games. The younger wants to escape in his school work and books.
It is hard on us all. DH is a splintered man trying his hardest to keep us all afloat and keep his son from destroying what is left of his life before it ever really gets started.
So, literally, my husband is ordered to pay to support my children's rapist. Only in America!
That is our story. It ain't pretty, but it's true.
