Non-Custodial Rights

[Tracey1970]

Hi, My brother is the father of 3 children.  He and his ex divorced 9 years ago and it has been nothing but hell ever since.  He is paying child support to her and hates it because he feels that she doesn't use it for the kids.  Also whenever he has visitation she always manages to tell him what he has to do with them, for example, she will enroll them in some sports event and every time he has them she tells him he has to take them to this or that event, he never gets to decide what he will be doing with his kids.  She berates the oldest child because not only does he look like his father but he has his name as well, she recently about 4 months ago took him and placed him in his fathers care and said that she could'nt deal with him anymore.  He enrolled in school and she and the father went down there with the child and had a meeting with the principal, she proceeded to tell the principal how sorry my brother was and how his son was just like him.  Anyway it caused the principal to immediately form a bad opinion of both the father and son and my nephew has had nothing but trouble at that school ever since.  She told them that although she was giving up physical custody of her son she still had legal custody and she would be the one in controll of everything concerning her son.  So currently she has yanked her son from the school and my brothers home and placed him with another ex-husband that has never liked my nephew.  She can't take him back to her house because her current husband can't stand him.  She has been married 3 or 4 times and jumps from man to man in the last 9 years.  She is verbally abusive to this boy and really treats him far worse than the other 2 children.  We don't know what to do, everytime something happens we are told that the father needs to get custody of the oldest who is 13, but he can't afford a lawyer, so it seems our hands are tied and the DHS won't do anything because they don't consider it abusive for the custodial parent to move a kid from place to place but not keep him with her or let the father have him.  We need some help, we don't know what to do and I am worried that the child is going to have no hope in the situation and either run away or hurt himself.  Please advise.  thanks so much, Tracey

[kiddosmom]

Aford it or not your brother will have to get an attorney, a good bulldog Family Law attorney. If all he is going to do is whine that he cannot do something, then he won't do it. Sorry if that sounds harsh. If she has been doing this for 9 yrs it is beyond time for dad to get his act together.

The only way he will get his children from this situation is through court. If he goes pro se (without a lawyer) he will gain nothing unless he knows the law and courtroom like the back of his hand.

[joni]

couldn't have said it better myself.  Don't think you were harsh at all.

[SLYarnell]

However!  Doing it himself is MUCH better than doing nothing at all.

[wendl]

1st regarding mom planning things on dads visitation. Dad isn't obligated to take the kids to these sporting events, his time is HIS TIME.

Get the school records and any documents showing that your dh had the child for 4 months.

You really do need to get an atty, if you cannot afford one, document EVERYTHING, educate yourself on the laws, read everything you can here and ask for advice.

You could always file for change in custody, then request a Guardian Ad Litem/parenting investigator and go from there. Also try to get it ordered that the kid get into counseling.

Your dh needs to step up to bat or nothing will ever happen.

:)

[tharper001]

However, I do tend to disagree with the sporting events.  Sure, the father's time is the father's time... but it is so important for children to be involved with sporting events.  And no sport season has activities every other weekend (I'm not sure how often the father gets his son, but this is typical).

Nine years is a very long time... it's time to either do something, or learn to live with things the way they are.  Those are the two options.

My 11 year old SD has been moved on an average of 5.31 months since August of 1998 (she's lived in 13 different residences) and she's changed schools on average of 6.9 months.  She's had 10 different changes in schools since August 1998.  And I can assure -- NO ONE CARES.

We are just now getting to go in front of a judge for contempt charges against the mother for all of these moves without ONCE consulting the father.  It's not an easy road -- and it is very expensive.

Good luck to you.

[wendl]

Wouldn't it be nice if the had sports teams for EOW. My oss asked his dad if there was baseball team by our house that just played EOW cuz he wants to play ball and that his mom didn't sign him up because he forgot to remind her.  Poor kid wants to play ball and isn't cuz HE forgot to remind his mother. grrrr

[tharper001]

That's why when children live close enough to both parents, then no matter how much it pains you, that child should be involved in their team sport(s).  My SD is almost 70 miles away from us.  Her mother hasn't signed her up lately either, but when she did, we would make sure we had her to her games if they fell on our weekend.  We wouldn't make the child suffer because she played a team sport.  And, worse case scenario, if we couldn't make it, we would call the coach and let them know ahead of time.  We made the sacrifice, paid the tolls and put the mileage on the car to get her there -- the only exceptions being an out-of-town commitment.  The season didn't last that long anyway.  It was worth it for her to get to play the sport she loved.

It's not always easy... but that shouldn't be looked at as "your" time.  The child's time includes their team sports, and those activities are so crucial in the social development of the child.  

[wendl]

When my ss's mom signed them up for sports a few years ago, dh made sure to drive the 70 miles so they could attend the games that they had made a commitment too.

I wish mom would sign the kids up for something, my son plays baseball and wrestles and will be starting football soon, my ss's see what my son gets to do and they wish they were able to as well. But we can't force bm to sign them up and get them to things.

[tharper001]

Yes, that's the difficult part.  My sd has not played sports in over a year... which is ashame.  She always enjoyed that.  But bm misses the sign up dates and just doesn't bother with it.  

We've got 3 courts dates coming up in June - one for the mother releasing her legal counsel.  The other two will be for my husband's request for psychiatric evaluation of the mother and for approximately 8 contempt charges against the bm.  It's getting very interesting now.  Hopefully, by the start of the next school year, we will have her and we'll get her involved in those all important events.

I just want the original poster of this problem to understand that sports are an intricate part of a child's development and they should really look at them in a different view point.

Thanks!  Good luck to you!

[tharper001]

It's all a problem when children are in split homes.  However, it is of utmost importance that you realize that sports are an intrical part of a child's social development.  The bm may have the authority to sign that child up, but the father should look at it in a favorable light rather than the bm trying to take away from his time.  At least his children get to do these things.  

If the children live close to both parents, then there should be no problem in getting the children to the sporting events.  Even on your weekend.  We used to drive 70 miles round trip to make sure my sd got to her soccer games.  As much as we absolutely hate the bm, we never once looked at the sports in a negative light -- at least she had been signed up to play.  Unfortunately, she hasn't played in over a year now because bm is too lazy to sign her up.  And we can't sign her up until we see if we get custody.  

Please look at the sports activities in a different light.  Yes, it may be on your time, but technically, the child's time should be what's important.  And sports are extremely important.

[SLYarnell]

Sports are extremely important... BUT so is a childs relationship with his other parent.

Sports in one  hand, Parental relationship in the other hand.  The relationship with your dad has to win EVERY time...

[Kitty C.]

I also believe that sports and e-c activities are important to kids, but so is the relationship with their parents, and neither should overshadow the other.  Many here have dealt with vindictive PBFH's who have purposely signed up their kids in as many activities as possible on the NCP's time just to screw with them and maintain 'control'.  Everyone's situation is different and only each person can know if it's a legitimate deal or a vindicitive ex.  

And there are ways to tell which is which, by gauging the reactions of the children involved. If the child is genuinely interested, their grades don't falter because of the participation, and they aren't 'forced' to participate, then it's a positive experience.  If you see the latter, then there a fox in the chicken house somewhere.

Best case scenario:  CP comes to NCP, tells NCP of child's wish to participate, informs NCP that it will take both parents' involvement for the child's participation, then asks if it is agreed that the child gets involved.  When one parents asks the other parents' participation, that's cooperation and co-parenting and in that case, the child should NEVER have to be turned down. It comes down to the REAL reasons why the child is involved in the first place, how much, and if the parents agree.  No different than in an intact family.

And if wishes were horses............

[Peanutsdad]

and if wishes were horses.......

No kidding Kitty,, my ex's idea of compromise,, is my complete capitualtion.

[tharper001]

Sports is not all year round, nor is it on every weekend.  And taking your child to his/her sports activities is building a relationship.  I'm sorry, but viewing sports as a battle with building a parent/child relationship is dangerous.  

[tharper001]

Yes, it is all about compromise, and most of us are on this website because of the wonderful custodial parents out there that wish to maintain control.  In the real world, MOST split parents do not communicate on a friendly manner, and the children are always put in the middle.  Kitty, it would be wonderful if it worked where the CP could discuss as an adult with the NCP the lives of the children.  

IT IS UP TO THE NCP TO MAKE SURE THE CHILDREN ARE GENUINELY INVOLVED IN THE SPORTS ACTIVITIES.  IT IS UP THE NCP TO TAKE THE HIGHER GROUND AND NOT PUNISH THE KIDS FOR WHAT THE CP DOES.  

Yes, there can be that method of control that the CP will try to use, but there is no sport out there that would be targeted ONLY at the NCP's time.  I can assure you of that.  

I just wish my SD's CP would enroll her in something, but she's too irresponsible to do so.  Be thankful that your children are actually learning social development skills, even if the CP is the one who signed them up for the activities.