Contact with daughter vs. Upset Current Partner

[JB27]

I separated from my wife about 18 months ago and will soon be divorced. My girlfriend has a terrible time dealing with the contact I have with my daughter (usually every other weekend), and wants me to cut down the amount of contact. It sounds like she's being really harsh, but I do appreciate that it's difficult for her to have OUR time taken up by my daughter. She is also expecting (currently in the 8th week) so there's a certain amount of hormonal imbalance leading to mood swings there, but the jealousy was there before she became pregnant.

Anyone had similar experiences? Do I have too much contact and should it reduce once my girlfriend and I have our own children?

Help.

[Droogle]

You are your daughter's father along with the new baby.  Your daughter shouldn't suffer because of your divorce nor should she suffer because your girlfriend can't share you.  I have been a custodial stepmom since my SD was 2yo.  She is now 12.  Her mother walked away from her when she was 4.  

My husband once told me no one would come before his daughter.  He still puts the children first my sd, our son and my 2yo little cousin that we have custody of.  

As a person who is a second wife I knew going into this that my DH had a child.  I never asked him to give up what little time he had with her because of me.  Yes you have very little time with your daughter.  4 days a month is nothing with your child.  

I hope that your girlfriend can realize that even though she is not your wife or the child't mother she should enjoy the time you have with her.  Sadly all I can see in your future as it stands is 2 unhappy children and a lot of unhappiness in your life.  No one should be told to chose between them and the child.  Doesn't work that way.  This is just my opinion.  

[taylor1985]

i am currently in her situation and i think that she is being a little ridiculious. i know that it is hard, but she has to realize, as i did, that your daughter is an important part in your life. one way you could make it better is to spend time with them together. you need to spend time with your daughter alone as well but include your girlfriend in the things that you do with your daughter. that is my biggest probalm with my boyfirend is that he doesn't include me in time he spends with his son. whatever you do though, do not cut the amount of time you spend with your daughter. she will always remember it and probably end up resenting your girlfriend for taking you away.

[dipper]

This is your daughter!  This other adult in your life is jealous of you spending four days a month with your daughter!  

For you to ask if you have too much time with your child is absolutely maddening to me.  It devastated my dh when his ex moved two hours away, ending his shared time with his son.  

Dont worry about your gf..she's a big girl and you can live without her - hey, you are living without your ex arent you?  Think about your little girl and if you truly love her and how she would feel if daddy wont see her because he has a new life and new woman in his life.

Being a parent means the child is your responsibility....

[Ref]

It seems really selfish of her to take away a child's time with her dad. This is not a good indication of her parenting skills and of your happiness together. If she wasn't pregnant, I would say to run like hell. Because she is, I would recommend couple's counseling and possibly a parenting class for you both (make sure it is a co-parenting class that maybe will give her some insight on what you and your daughter are going through).

Good luck
Ref

[wysiwyg]

Your GF sounds immature and selfish, sorry but this is as I see it.  She will have a harsh dose of reality once this new child is born.  I would say that her jeanousy is a predicnet for waht is to come with this new child and I would go to therapy now so that she can learn to cope or the children adn you will be the losers in this relationship.  You NEVER give up time with your child because some one else demands it, the demands will only increase in the future and all will suffer unless she learns to cope with being an adult.  

Sorry if I trampled your feelings, this is how I see it, is only my opinion and hope that all third person replies here will help you to see some things that perhaps you have not yet seen and you can learn to deal with them for your children and yourself.

[Jade]

>I separated from my wife about 18 months ago and will soon be
>divorced. My girlfriend has a terrible time dealing with the
>contact I have with my daughter (usually every other weekend),
>and wants me to cut down the amount of contact. It sounds like
>she's being really harsh, but I do appreciate that it's
>difficult for her to have OUR time taken up by my daughter.
>She is also expecting (currently in the 8th week) so there's a
>certain amount of hormonal imbalance leading to mood swings
>there, but the jealousy was there before she became pregnant.
>
>Anyone had similar experiences? Do I have too much contact and
>should it reduce once my girlfriend and I have our own
>children?
>
>Help.

You have a child that you do not have custody of and you are asking if you have too much contact simply because your girlfriend is an idiot?  

It's kind of too late to tell her to take a hike since she is now pregnant, but it's not to late to tell her that you will not stop being a father to your child.  And you will not reduce what contact you have with your child.  

You may also want to be prepared for your girlfriend using the baby she is pregnant with to get you to stop  being a father to your child.  It wouldn't surprise me if she were to threaten to move away and never let you see the one she is carrying.  

Please stand up for your daughter and stand up to your bully of a girlfriend.  

[wendl]

Well I am a second wife and a cp mom, I am sorry but your child comes 1st, my child comes 1st as do my stepkids thm my dh.

And when you only have your child on weekends that is not enough time, she really needs to think about it, hell how would she like it if that was her child, she will learn, but NO WAY give up your time with your daughter cuz it takes away her time with you, what about her taking time away from your daughter, that is just wrong.

As adults we need to learn to deal with it, especially being a g/f or stepparent.

Maybe their is something you can all do together, I know when dh and I 1st got together it was a big adjustment for all of us, my son, his two boys and us, we planned family things to do together.


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[dsm]

And you need to stand up for your relationship with your daughter.

You cannot just throw away the time you have because your girlfriend is insecure.  That is her issue and hers to fix.  EOW already is bare-minimum time for you to have with your daughter.  How are you supposed to cut that down further?  Think of your daughter in this.  

And also think of the baby on the way - your daughter will be a big sister and should be able to know and interact with the new one.  And your girlfriend needs to deal with it.  You should be a package deal with your daughter as part of it!

Good luck.

==============================================================================

dsm - 36; DH - 39; SD - 17; LO - 10; BB - 3
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3 Cheap Entertainment cats - Sam,  Snoop & Dagger
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Live, Love, and Laugh

[gemini3]

There are a several things that concern me here.  The first is that you seem to validate your girlfriends jealosy of your daughter.  The second is that you have chosen to have children with someone when you aren't even divorced yet.  The third is that you appear to think that your responsibility as a father is somehow connected to whether or not your married to your daughters mother.  And finally, that you used the old "hormonal imbalance" excuse.  Please.

Why would you reduce your contact with your daughter once you and your girlfriend have a baby?  Is she somehow less important because there's a new baby around?  Is she no longer your daughter now that you have a new child and a new relationship?  I'm sorry, but that's just sad.  

I feel so bad for your daughter to have to experience this.  Imagine how it must make her feel to know that her father has chosen a girlfriend over her.  What kind of message will it send to her if you further reduce contact with her because you had another baby?

I think you all need to get into counseling as quickly as you can.  Your girlfriend should be getting to know and love your daughter, not competing with her.  Is she going to be jealous of the affection you show to the new baby as well?  You should be sticking up for your daughter.  You're her father, it's your JOB to protect her.  

Like some other people have said, if she wasn't pregnant I'd say run like hell.  I hope that your girlfriend wakes up to what she's doing, or you may end up with two ex-wives.

[Mamacass]

Wow.  I guess you could say we were in a similar spot.  My CH's ex actually told him at one point while we were dating that he could only see his son if he promised that I wouldn't be near him.  (she had some jealousy issues when she realized that DH was over her.  Guess she thought she could leave him on the back burner while she sowed her wild oats.)  
Anyways, my DH told her that he couldn't do that b/c we too had a child together and it would be impossible for me not to be around for an entire weekend.  After 3 weeks of going crazy b/c he couldn't see his son I told DH that we could spend every other weekend apart.  We only had to do it for a few visits until he could get his time court ordered.  

Now although I think your girlfriend is being selfish, I can empathize with her.  Your daughter is probably a reminder that you did love someone else and were intimate with someone else before her.  And it is tough in a new relationship to share your partner.  I assume y'all have been together for less than 18 months, so you're still in the "honeymoon" stage of dating and its natural that she wants one-on-one time before the new baby arrives.  That doesn't make it right though to ask you to spend less time with your daughter

My advice:  first and foremost don't give up your time with your daughter.  You can't make up for missed time later on, and if you agree to less time, you may not be able to "up" the time in the future.
Second, communicate with your girlfriend.  if she is feeling threatened by your relationship with your daughter, find out why.  She probably needs to know that she too is very important to you.  sometimes g/f's and wives can feel a little forgotten when you're spending all your time fighting for and missing your child.  
Third, even though you have been through a pregnancy before, and this isn't really new to you, act like it is.  My husband probably didn't mean to, but sometimes he had a "been there, done that" attitude.   When she's talking about the pregnancy, get excited and listen to what she's saying.   speaking from experience, it's hard not to have your feelings hurt when your going through the first pregnancy and your telling your boyfriend something about the baby/pregnancy and he says "I've done this before you know".  It has a way of making you feel like stale leftovers.  

Anyways, hope this helps.  

[wysiwyg]

Mamacass brought something to light here in my life:

"Your daughter is probably a reminder that you did love someone else and were intimate with someone else before her. And it is tough in a new relationship to share your partner."

MY parents divorced when I was very young in 1965, my father got custody after a long battle and in them days it was more who had the most money won, and being paternal family was wealthy, dad got custody.  Nuff said bout that, just some background.

Mom got remarreid shortly after the divorce, she was 25 my new stapfather was 52.  From the get go I knew he hated me and he used to tell me "Every time I look at you I have to remember that your mother made love to another man".  I was only 6 years old and he would say that every time I went to see my mom and stay with her.  I am now 45, my mom died 12 years ago, my step father 11 years ago, and I still think about this all the time.  I also found letters from them both to each other upon their deaths and it took me 12 years to read thru them all but you know, even my mother said that to him many times along with "my daughter does not like you becasue you hit me and make me cry"  These letters had been sent to the institution where he was confined for alcoholism.

My point here is this, do not let your new wife make your child feel any less loved or have to choose between her or the new baby or the new wife.  These are entirely 2 different kinds of love and she needs to lean how to dela wiht this and be a part of both childrens life or she will be giving you ultimatums and saying hurtful things to your daughter that she will have to deal wiht for the rest of her life as I try to deal with these hurful things too.

[gabes_mom]

No you don't have enough contact with your daughter in my opinion and your current girlfriend needs to get over it!  Sorry but as a stepmom and a mom it infuriates me that another person would try to limit what precious time a child has with their father!  Your girlfriend with her hormone imbalances and all needs to grow up.  I know all you did was post for an answer and I'm not blasting you it just that I can hardly believe that a woman who is going to be a mother herself (even if it is many weeks down the road) would try to keep a child from seeing their father as much as possible.  I'd have a talk with the girlfriend if I were you.

[BelleMere]

your gf.

I don't think you should cut down on your time, btw (EOW is not very much, really), but it IS a delicate balancing act. One way to handle it would be to be firm with both females about how things will happen - your gf needs to know that you will NOT give up time with your D and that in addition, you and your D will do one on one things to establish a ritual Dad/daughter time together (like lunch every Saturday or morning walks or whatever). But when all three of you are together, try to pay attention to what your D might be doing that could be adding to the problem - does she insist on sitting in your lap ALL the time? When you all walk together, is it you holding hands with your D and your gf forced to walk behind? If you go to kiss your gf, does your D insist you kiss her too? If you are all three at McDonald's or somewhere eating, does your D talk only to you and sit so your gf is basically looking at her back (cutting her out)? One thing my DH did with me and my SD (now my adopted D) was tell her repeatedly - because she did things like insist on a kiss if I got one, or a "date" if we went out - that he loved us both but that they are different kinds of love, and not in competition - he would remind her that one day she will grow up and have a husband of her own, but he and I will still be together. It is not unusual for daughters to feel competitive with their father's new love, and that can add a lot of strain. Add to that you are not divorced from her Mom and there is a new baby on the way already . . .and your D also has a lot that could be causing her to do little things to your gf that you might not even be aware of at this point. Men, I have found, don't always "see" the games women play (and believe me, your D can play them too!) I'm sure there is an element of not wanting to share you in your gf's request, but it might be that she just finds your D is unpleasant to be around because she radiates some level of tension. I agree that you should also try to be as excited about this pg as your gf is and when you talk about how the baby will be raised and cared for, try as much as possible NOT to refer to how your D was raised as a good example. As in "Oh, when DD was a baby, we always used to read to her every night, and that really helped her." Seems pretty normal, but in this minefield of your life, a statement like that is a ticking bomb. Much better to phrase it in a general sense, like "I really believe in spending time reading to kids, don't you?"

It might also help to remind your gf that having a strong father daughter relationship can really make a difference in the long run with things she really won't want to deal with, like teen pregnancy. Girls who are close to their fathers are less likely to start having sex early, they act out less and generally do better in school - all things that will actually make your gf's longterm life a lot easier. Maybe you can give your gf a role in your relationship, like taking photos for scrapbooking or helping you think of things girls might like to do with their dads. Also, if your gf does something nice (anything, no matter how small - driving her to the mall, buying Cherios so she'll have them for breakfast, whatever) for your D (or vice versa, D for your gf) make a point of pointing it out and praising it. Yes, it seems like overkill, but you have a job here too - to help build the relationship with your D and gf.

[mistoffolees]

Don't back down. Your daughter needs you. As hard as it is for your GF to understand, your daughter is just as much your responsibility as the new one.

You might want to consider joint counseling.

[Jade]

>your gf.
>
>I don't think you should cut down on your time, btw (EOW is
>not very much, really), but it IS a delicate balancing act.
>One way to handle it would be to be firm with both females
>about how things will happen - your gf needs to know that you
>will NOT give up time with your D and that in addition, you
>and your D will do one on one things to establish a ritual
>Dad/daughter time together (like lunch every Saturday or
>morning walks or whatever). But when all three of you are
>together, try to pay attention to what your D might be doing
>that could be adding to the problem - does she insist on
>sitting in your lap ALL the time? When you all walk together,
>is it you holding hands with your D and your gf forced to walk
>behind? If you go to kiss your gf, does your D insist you kiss
>her too? If you are all three at McDonald's or somewhere
>eating, does your D talk only to you and sit so your gf is
>basically looking at her back (cutting her out)? One thing my
>DH did with me and my SD (now my adopted D) was tell her
>repeatedly - because she did things like insist on a kiss if I
>got one, or a "date" if we went out - that he loved us both
>but that they are different kinds of love, and not in
>competition - he would remind her that one day she will grow
>up and have a husband of her own, but he and I will still be
>together. It is not unusual for daughters to feel competitive
>with their father's new love, and that can add a lot of
>strain. Add to that you are not divorced from her Mom and
>there is a new baby on the way already . . .and your D also
>has a lot that could be causing her to do little things to
>your gf that you might not even be aware of at this point.
>Men, I have found, don't always "see" the games women play
>(and believe me, your D can play them too!) I'm sure there is
>an element of not wanting to share you in your gf's request,
>but it might be that she just finds your D is unpleasant to be
>around because she radiates some level of tension. I agree
>that you should also try to be as excited about this pg as
>your gf is and when you talk about how the baby will be raised
>and cared for, try as much as possible NOT to refer to how
>your D was raised as a good example. As in "Oh, when DD was a
>baby, we always used to read to her every night, and that
>really helped her." Seems pretty normal, but in this minefield
>of your life, a statement like that is a ticking bomb. Much
>better to phrase it in a general sense, like "I really believe
>in spending time reading to kids, don't you?"
>
>It might also help to remind your gf that having a strong
>father daughter relationship can really make a difference in
>the long run with things she really won't want to deal with,
>like teen pregnancy. Girls who are close to their fathers are
>less likely to start having sex early, they act out less and
>generally do better in school - all things that will actually
>make your gf's longterm life a lot easier. Maybe you can give
>your gf a role in your relationship, like taking photos for
>scrapbooking or helping you think of things girls might like
>to do with their dads. Also, if your gf does something nice
>(anything, no matter how small - driving her to the mall,
>buying Cherios so she'll have them for breakfast, whatever)
>for your D (or vice versa, D for your gf) make a point of
>pointing it out and praising it. Yes, it seems like overkill,
>but you have a job here too - to help build the relationship
>with your D and gf.

First of all, I just don't know where to begin.  The CHILD wants to be with her father when he has her.  So what if she wants to sit on his lap all of the time.  So what if she wants a kiss from Daddy.  

Anybody who has a problem with a parent spending time and  being affectionate to their child is not somebody that should be around children.  

It isn't about the adults, it is about the children.  And while they are children, their needs should come first.