Then you're only option is to stop ALL visitation until the
BM agrees that the child needs serious help. It is the ONLY way to truely protect your children.
You haven't mentioned what state you're in, and Lucky's word of warning regarding how her state and county handled their situation should be seriously considered. One thing we found in our situation is that funding cuts in our state have severely limited what DHS can now do without a juvenile delinquency order. I literally told DS's probation officer that if I knew 5 years ago what it would take to get help for him, I would have told him to break the law back then. She didn't bat an eye, because she knew I was telling the truth.
Counseling will never work for this child. She needs intensive treatment from pediatric psychologists or psychiatrists...a professional who is specifically trained and educated in her specific needs. This is WAY beyond the scope of practice for a counselor or therapist.
As for cutting off all visitation, I would recommend that this ONLY pertain to your home and around you and your children. I think that your
DH should still have some contact with her, even if it's only to take her out to dinner or spend a few hours with her at a park or zoo. It could do more harm than good for her to be cut off completely from her father.
As for the school, you can still push there, and hard. Like I mentioned before, go up the ladder if you have to. If the principal of her school refuses to acknowledge the situation, go to his superior, most commonly the superintendent. If he/she won't listen, demand another meeting with him/her AND the district's atty. If that doesn't get a response (and I would be amazed if it didn't), go to the school board. After that, the state Board of Education. Keep moving up each rung until you are ABSOLUTELY positive you've run out of ladder.
Something else to consider, tho it may seems 'way out there': write a letter to Dr. Phil. You never know what might happen and if he were to get involved, you know it would be completely paid for and she would have the best in the nation to help her. Write as many letters as it takes to get a response. As the old saying goes, the squeaky wheel gets the grease. And this goes for anyone you try to get involved. Be cordial and diplomatic, but hound the hell outta them until they give you some answers!
I emphasize this so much because what you've described is a child who is crying out in pain. She's screaming for help in the only way she knows how and no one is listening to her. If she doesn't get help now, you have every right to be horribly afraid for her future. With what I've been thru with DS, I've seen some of that, and it's VERY scary. Refuse to take no for an answer from anyone. If any person or entity tells you they cannot help, demand to know where to go next. Go to you state legislator if you have to. One thing I have found out for a fact: you NEVER know and can be very surprised where resources and answers can come from. It can come from the most unlikely of places, so don't ever discount anything. But above all else, keep trying and pushing forward. Your SC's life just might depend on it.............