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Author Topic: A Breakthrough .Please help me !!!!!!  (Read 2206 times)


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A Breakthrough .Please help me !!!!!!
« on: Mar 21, 2004, 05:43:24 PM »
 My husband died 19 years ago leaving me penniless with a 2 month old a 2 year and  a 7 year old, My late husbands family were well to do but would give me any help. They wanted my children
, After 3 years if getting no where I was forced to send my children to my husbands sister until I could get on my feet, I was told I needed to give them guardianship for medical treatment. My kids were in need of medical and dental work so  glad;y sign When I tried to bring my children home to me they refused to give them back. The  money I had saved for their return would be spent on lawyers and then some. I was told that I could see them one day week without any overnights. if I gave them any problems I would not see them at all.
Within three years my children were totally brainwashed. The rest of the story reads word for word in the description of PAS.
I  continued  to see them until they stopped the visits, For the last seventeen years I he written them a few times a week. with very few responses, Still I never stopped
. I had given up UNTIL YESTERDAY An E. Mail from my 22 year old daughter. I am in a state of shock. I need to respond. I must have written 100 different letters. I cannot stop crying long enough to think straight I do not want to say anything wrong.
I am going to share the letter with you because It may give hope to those that have given up. I also ask for some suggestions and impute on what I should say in my response.

There is a god and she answered my prayrs
This is the letter from my daughter .

Dear Mom,
       I am writing this to you not really knowing if I’m actually going to send it to you. I am going to attempt to explain to you some of the things that I feel, which perhaps will explain why I act the way I do. First and foremost, I want you to know that I do not hate you, nor have I ever felt hatred toward you. I’m not sure if you even thought this, but I figured it’s best to make that clear right away. I am not going to deny feelings of anger, although I’m not sure that I can explain exactly what I am angry about. It’s not even so much directed at you, as it is the entire situation in which we find ourselves. I know that you did what you thought was best for us, and for that I am grateful. I realize that relinquishing custody of your children had to of been one of the hardest things you’ve ever done and I’m sure that not a day goes by that you don’t think about it. I also know that you’ve made an effort to try and move past what happened in the past and have tried to salvage some sort of relationship with us. I have not dealt with this the right way, but I’ve been dealing with it the only way I know how to, and that is to try and ignore it. The truth of the matter is, I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for not “meeting you half way” and attempting to have a relationship with you. It’s not something that I’ve felt a burning need to do. This is not to say that I don’t want to have any contact with you. I just don’t believe that it’s possible for us to have a typical mother/daughter relationship. I’ve always felt as if that is what you were trying to form, which may be why I’ve resisted forming any relationship at all. I know that you think that I ignore you and I go home every weekend to spend time with my other family. In reality, I really don’t get a chance to go home that often because of all the things that I am involved with at school. Even when I do go home, it’s not like I go see everyone. I generally stay at home and if people come to me, then that’s cool. I don’t feel a burning desire to visit with everyone though. I am not a social person. This even applies to members of my own family.

You probably think that I am antisocial when I’m over at your house and that I act like I don’t want to be there. The fact is, however, that’s how I am no matter where I am. Unless I’m sitting by myself, or with a very small group of people, I am seldom 100% comfortable. At your house, it seems like there are always people stopping by or staying over for a while. I’m not saying that this is a bad thing, because it shows how willing you are to open your home to your friends. It’s nice that you give them a place to go. I’m just not comfortable around strangers. I know that you can relate to this, because I believe you share this problem. If I were to ask you to come over while my friends were over, I think you’d be uncomfortable. This is extremely evident on holidays, when there are usually lots of people over at your house. I’m not saying that I want you to stop this, because that’s part of your life. I’m just trying to explain to you why I am uncomfortable most of the time. When I’m over and it’s just you (or John and Harold), I’m totally fine. I enjoy talking with you and updating you on what’s going on in my life, and I like hearing what’s going on with you. I guess the reason I don’t come over often is because it’s never a guarantee that things will be like that. I never know what to expect when I go to your house, and that is unsettling for me. I like to know what I’m getting into before I set out to do something. It’s wrong of me to request that nobody else be present when I choose to visit because my visits shouldn’t interrupt your life.

As for phone conversations, or lack there of, I kind of feel like it’s always up to me to call you. I know that you have my phone number, and yet it is rare that I get a call from you. I realize that it is also rare that I call you, but I’m stubborn and it’s kind of like I’m saying that I can go as long as you can go without calling. I have a hard time calling you for reasons I would normally call other people. I can’t call you to ask you a question or ask a favor of you because then it’s assumed that I only call you when I want something. So, I overcompensate for this by not asking you for anything. I know that you have your hands full with John and you have your own things to deal with. I respect that. I know that I should make a better effort to call you, but it’s hard for me. It seems like whenever we do talk, it has to evolve into some deep conversation. These conversations are emotionally exhausting to me. I have enough things to deal with because of school and just life in general. I never feel like I can just call you to “shoot the breeze” because deep down I dread the deep conversation. I will admit that this is wrong of me, because I know that there needs to be conversation like this. I know that the only way to get past all this crap is to talk about it and get it out in the open. I think that you’ll understand that it’s easier for me to do this on paper than it is in person or on the phone. The reason there has been a lack of response to your emails in the past is because I always felt like the purpose of those emails was to make me feel guilty. After reading them, I would always feel like a horrible person. I didn’t (and still don’t) know how to change that. I don’t know how to change the way I am toward/with you. I don’t know if I can give you what you want. I don’t know that I have that in me. I am willing to move forward though and try to salvage some sort of relationship. The best I can offer right now is a type of friendship. As much as I’ve tried to put this off and ignore it, it’s become apparent that I cannot be happy until this is resolved. I am not a mean person, and I can’t keep ignoring the extreme amount of guilt that I feel for being so closed off and cold towards you. This isn’t something that can change overnight, and I hope you realize that. I am not a fan of change and I’m not quite sure how to proceed with this, but I guess that’s something we’ll figure out along the way.

 Never stop having fun, because if you did, life would be boring--


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RE: A Breakthrough .Please help me !!!!!!
« Reply #1 on: Mar 26, 2004, 01:35:12 PM »

Um....  When I read your message, at first, from what you said, it sounded like you had not seen your children at all after visiting with them for three years after they were taken away.  The way I understood it, they stopped the visits because they did not want to see you anymore because your ex's fam. turned them against you.  And then suddendly, you get this letter from you 22 year old daughter after what seems like a lifetime away from them.

But when I read the letter of hers that you put there, in her letter, it says that you had phone conversations and she would be over at your house for visits and even during holidays and she felt, for some reason, it was always her responsibility to call.

So now, I'm all confused.

I got on this website hoping to find a statement from a woman who lost her babies through some dumb custody case who was brave enouhg to talk about it with a stranger and I found yours.  Except my son is 3.  He was taken away at 3 months and I used to say, "I am going through a terrible custody case in which my son was taken away from me for no good reason.  Only the chance that something might happen.  And he's 3 months.  Now he's three years.  One day, he'll be 18 and I feel like his life is passing before my eyes without him.  I could not help but cry when I read your daughter's letter, wondering if some of that desire of hers to not be that close to people is a result of being taken or coerced away from you.  We all make mistakes and get ourselves into terrible scrapes and can hardly rely on our damned legal sytem to help us get out of it.  only lots and lots of $$$.

If you want to talk further about this email me as I don't know the next time I will be on this website or if I will even be able to find thes comments and see if have a comment for my comment of your comment if you know what I mean.  It seems like one giant laborynth to me.

My email address is Anastasia042002@Hotmail.com



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