I have been thinking........

[Stepmom0418]

I should have posted this under something diffrent but I couldnt make up my mind where I should put it.

DH says that it is not good when I start thinking! LOL!

Ok there are many NCP and CP on this forum. Now some may or may not like what I am about to say but I want to remind everyone that I am a CP and my DH is a NCP. So I can see both sides to this.

In my situation my ex only pays $90.00 per month in cs for 2 children. It is 75.00 current and 15.00 to his arrears, he is more than 11,000.00 in arrears. He does not have to carry medical insurance on either child and never has been ordered to do so. I am not working at this time and ex is. (I am not working due to taking care of my elderly grandma that has just passed away as well as my youngest daughter just started kindergarten and in reality it was cheaper for me to stay home with her than to pay for child care. I am now seeking employment as my days are now very boring with grandma gone and the little one in school) I allow my ex to see his children any time he wishes or anytime the children wish to see there father. I have sole custody but I still share.

My DH has one child and he pays over $200.00 per month in CS. He is in arrears but I am not sure how much now as he has been making extra payments to catch up. DH is required to carry insurance on SS. BM does not work and NEVER has had a job EVER! BM has physical custody and joint legal with DH. BM denys regular court ordered visitation but DH still pays support.


I can't understand how or why NCP's are paying support on kids they cant see but yet the BM doesn't work or provide financially and they get to see their children everyday.

If my DH with held support because BM denied visitation, who gets in trouble and goes to jail? DH does! If BM denys visitation so DH with holds support DH is in trouble again!!

I know, I know CS and visitation are two seperate issues! But why?? We have a duty to support but not a right to see our child everyday??!!

In my case ex can see his children when ever he wants to! (because I am a nice ex I guess! LOL) But yet he doesn't pay sh** for support and has never even offered to pay for anything on his own! Lucky guy if you ask me!!

Sorry you all!! I guess I needed to vent! Feel free to give me some feedback on this!

[joni]

You are the BM we all dream about.  You are a nice Ex who respects her children and puts her children first.  It has got to frustrate the hell out of you when you put no limits on your Ex's visitation and the whole time, deal with your DH who's denied visitation.

I think in my case, my DH's Ex would love it if he would pay all the CS in the world and never see his child.  She's a bitter and vindictive woman.  She stresses out and terrorizes their child terribly.

[MYSONSDAD]

Well, you are in the very small percentage group of CP's that actually put their children first. Actively practicing the best interest of the child.

Setting aside your own issues and keeping your children first. They will grow up and respect you. Many here know first hand how controlling CP's can be. We live it everyday. It is refreshing to find some who are willing to work with their ex's in the way you have.

I agree with what you are saying. I pay my support early and yet I can be denied repeatedly and nothing happens. Not even a slap on the wrist. And it is not fair.

This system needs to bring some equal ground into play. When a NCP follows the CO and the CP doesn't, more needs to be done. We have to level off the playing field.

The children are paying the true price for all this mess. They suffer right along with us...

And your ex IS lucky.

Good luck with the job search!

[kitten]

He was in SHOCK when he found out Will's ex is moving the kids away and how much he has to pay in cs.  My ex pays $276.00/mo. for our two girls.  I worked FT when we were married, but I work PT now because it is cheaper with the child care costs.  My little one does have to spend a couple of hours each day in child care and my ex and I split the cost.  We both put our girls first, I could not do it any other way.  For example:  Ex gets them every Wed and Fri night, xmas week I offered for him to keep the girls thu night also since he had xmas eve off.  In return, he let me pick them up on Sunday since he had then xmas eve and xmas day this year.  It was perfect.  
You know, we did not do well married, but I chose the right man to father my children.  PBFH feels she has the right to remove the childrens father from thier lives because she was betrayed by him.  My ex was betrayed by me, but has dealt with his pain without involving the children and we are better friends then ever now.  He likes Will, he respects him and despite what I did to him, he respects me.  

[Stepmom0418]

Thank you all for your responses! I knew that I would find a few that knew where I was comming from when posting this!

It is just so frusterating to watch all the suffering that our family goes through when BM denys visits! We dont understand it as adults so how can we ever try and explain it to any of the children?? Dont get me wrong we have tried to explain and they all know that it is not under our control at all. But do they understand? NO!! These kids have all cried and shown emotions due to this womans actions! I am at the point that I CANT stand to see her or even hear her voice because of the abuse that she has done to my children let alone her own child! The sad part is that there is not a damn thing I can do to protect my children or SS!!! (except what DH is doing and that is to keep on fighting!)

[MixedBag]

I wear different hats also -- hence my name, MixedBag.

When I was going through my #2, I had already been though #1....so I was thinking BTDT, know how this is gonna go, (he promised soooo many things -- lies -- that weren't put into the decree)....even though I'm the NCP this time.

Oh what a difference....and for DH too....

Suffering?  Yep, know all about that.

Crying kids?  You should have been here tonight to watch MSD(20)....not cool.

Love will help protect them along with the truth......it's amazing....

[MYSONSDAD]

Know far too well about the crying. My little guy has cried himself to sleep for the last two weekends. The programming is in high gear and I am at a total lose...

Long time to go before truth can come out, but love is something I have a universe of.

"Children learn what they live"

[Stepmom0418]

The saddest part is that we all teach our children not to fight! But I have now added to that ........if it is something that you truely belive in then fight and never give up the rights that we have been given!

[olanna]

"I can't understand how or why NCP's are paying support on kids they cant see but yet the BM doesn't work or provide financially and they get to see their children everyday."

Because if we don't, we could end up in jail. And it isn't all BM, in some cases, it's BD...like mine.  Better word would be CP.

[wendl]

Step I  know exactly how you feel, I am also a CP and my dh is a NCP. my ex is over 20k in arrears but I would never deny him our son (hell he just went to dads for a week at xmas that was not in our court order) cuz I knew my son wanted to see his dad and his parents.

Now my dh pays is cs (he is now a little in arrears 1st time in 5yrs) during the time I have known and been with dh his ex has denied visitaiton, not worked lived of the cs WHICH IS FOR THE KIDS and lived off her friends.  These woman and the courts don't take into consideration how other siblings whether they be 1/2 sibling or step, the actions of these CP's affect way more than their ex's if affects other kids, and other family members.

But hey thats ok, in this day and age of cs, NCP will get into trouble for NOT paying support BUT its ok for the CP's NOT to work as hey they are getting tax free money from cs.  

Very frustrating.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**