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Author Topic: I dont know everything, here's what i do know.  (Read 5179 times)

okcowgirl1974

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I dont know everything, here's what i do know.
« on: Jan 20, 2005, 02:36:32 PM »
     What I'm about to discuss is very sensitive, very few people in my life know about this. This is a very tragic situation, I hope I can find understanding and not blame.
     Either through my fiance's ex wife had a blood transfusion while she was pregnant with his daughter or her being unfaithful to him. ( this was back in the 80's) She and her and her unborn daughter contracted HIV.  He was trying to work through his own grief and understandably would not touch her for fear of him getting it. About a year 1/2 later he caught her in bed with another man.  While working out their divorce they were still living together, while he was at work, the Ex filed for abandonment, through( i dont know every detail) some gov't agency. They gave her $40,000.  As you can imagin, the cost of the hospital bills for their condtition are unbelievable.  Well james has about $15,000 left to payback.  
     And James let her have physical custody of their 2 kids, because of her condition he wanted his kids to have memories of their mom.  This woman is unbelievable, she wouldnt leave it at that she tried to revolk all of his rights to his children. She treat her kids like they are her paycheck.   And if you are wondering if he has the disease too, No he doesnt, if he did he would be as sick as they are.  His daughter is a real miracle child. The pain she has gone through is unimaginable.  Today she is an ordinary child.  The medicines she take has slowed the progression of the disease.  She is a teenager now, she has developed like a young lady, but from day to day we never know how long she will be with us.  when she gets the flu or the cold she has to be hospitalized.  She and her mother both have AIDS now.  The mother doesnt have much longer.
   I am not gonna tell you my fiance is perfect.  And I understand that a man who does not provide for his family is a poor excuse for a human being.  Through bad choices and things beyond his controll he lost his job, and had trouble finding one.  Believe me he tried finding a job.
    Me I live in OK,  he and his family live in TX.  I havent heard anything at all from him since august.  His family was suppost to keep me posted about him and how he is doing, i dont get along too well with his family.  I think about and miss him everyday.
   I just need to talk about this  only my mom and dad, and 2 friends know about this.  Its hard to talk about.


MafiaMom

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You seem very young to me
« Reply #1 on: Jan 20, 2005, 02:53:09 PM »
and I'd LIKE to sympathize with your bf, but I still can't. I'm sorry. I've lived the life on both sides of the fence for 13 years, and I've seen and heard it all. And "falling on hard times" does nothing to help with sympathy because when I had my ds, my ex didn't pay cs...and I did EVERYTHING I could to support my son on my own. My x claimed he'd get a job at McDonalds so he didn't have to pay me the amount the court ordered.

Your ex may have lost his job, and had trouble finding one...but I'm sure the local McDonalds was hiring...or the local restaurant needed a bus boy. Honestly, a parent is a good parent when they do everything they possibly can to care for their children. So when you speak about him falling on hard times...look closely at that. It seems to me he's trying to raise attendance at his pity party.

I'm sure you love him very much. But you said "a man who doesn't provide for his family is a sorry excuse for a human being." Are you telling me your bf could have found ABSOLUTELY NO WORK...even enough to send $25 to his children per month? Or was he just too "proud" to take a job that was "beneath him" to get him thru until that perfect job made itself available?

and hon...just because he's not as sick as they are does NOT mean he's not HIV positive. I would say protect yourself and get a test done...him too. HIV can hide in your body for YEARS and you'll never know you have it until one day you get ill. Please don't let him fool you into believing you'd see him ill if he had it.
Love me without fear-Need me without demanding-Trust me without question-Want me without restrictions-Accept me without change. Find my soul and I'm yours 4ever

okcowgirl1974

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RE: You seem very young to me
« Reply #2 on: Jan 20, 2005, 03:14:35 PM »
I need understanding not blame.  Im not saying He did everything right. I know he had the best intentions at heart.  YOU NEED NOT to judge,  maybe i was wrong to come here...   to seek help...  and you seem very judgmental to me

okcowgirl1974

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RE: I dont know everything, here's what i do know.
« Reply #3 on: Jan 20, 2005, 03:19:50 PM »
plus he's been tested for 7 years

knoot7

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RE: I dont know everything, here's what i do know.
« Reply #4 on: Jan 20, 2005, 04:41:18 PM »

I don't know what age has to do with your problems but please visit your email - I gave you a link which you will find the support and advice you are looking for.........you are going through some hard times and want to talk with someone - it is understandable and it is possible to find such a place as I mentioned in an email to you - MUCH better support there... and you do not have to defend yourself for your decisions or your BF's decisions....just get advice on how to handle things since the choices have already been made.....



ksmomof2girls

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RE: You seem very young to me
« Reply #5 on: Jan 20, 2005, 09:58:49 PM »
>
>Your ex may have lost his job, and had trouble finding
>one...but I'm sure the local McDonalds was hiring...or the
>local restaurant needed a bus boy.

FYI.....depending on his background McDonald's or any other fast food place won't hire you, because they think its worthless to train you, then have leave for a better paying job after only being there a few weeks.

I know this for a fact, because one of my friends was trying to find any kind of work, and they turned down because of her experiences and extended education.


Genie

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We do support you and sympathize with you on this....
« Reply #6 on: Jan 21, 2005, 12:13:09 PM »
I know it is hard. I have been through it with my DH and am just about done caring now.  Mafiamom knows the reality of many different situations b/c she has lived them.  Somtimes she may sound harsh but she is just trying to get others to see the reality of the situation they are in. Sometimes an outside perspective is what a person needs.

Only time will tell with you guys. You stated below he gets out in a couple of months. You haven't had contact with him for quite sometime so you may find that he won't be contacting you when he gets out either.  No matter what, you can't fix the situation for him. Believe me I have tried many times and unless he wants to change it he can't.  

Also what are his plans for when his ex does die. Will he bringing his daughter to be with him?  He will find out the reality of paying for all the treatments she needs then. It may help get him in gear.

I know it is hard at times to find a job but there are ones out there. He just needs to be willing to swallow his pride and take something that is lesser till he can get something better in the future. Hopefully he will have learned that he doesn't want to go back to jail for not paying once again when he gets out.

okcowgirl1974

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RE: I dont know everything, here's what i do know.
« Reply #7 on: Jan 21, 2005, 01:23:59 PM »
thank you

MafiaMom

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I'm not blaming you at all, hon
« Reply #8 on: Jan 21, 2005, 01:30:28 PM »
All I'm trying to do is get you to see PAST the love, into the reality of the situation. The old saying, "Blinded by love" is quite true when applied to real life. I'm not being judgmental, I'm being honest. Being honest sometimes means saying things someone doesn't want to hear. One day, though, you will see what I meant, and that it was meant with CARING...not to judge you at all.

People DO understand how you feel. However, you stated in your first post that the bm "got what she wanted" and it appears you think SHE put your bf in jail. She didn't. That's the point I was trying to get you to see. As another poster pointed out, a mere $25 a month would have kept him out of jail. If he got a job making even a small amount of money, he could have come up with a small amount to send every month to show he's trying...and he wouldn't be where he is now. Regardless, he is where he is. And bm didn't put him there...he put HIMSELF there by choosing to send ZERO rather than even a meager amount.

People don't have the power to just up and throw someone in jail. If that were the case, I'd like to see the nosey, meddling, puppy hating neighbor across the street put away for a few months. It doesn't work like that. The only way someone is put in jail is if they don't try at all, don't show up for the show cause hearings, don't make an effort to try to right a wrong. They don't end up there because someone ELSE put them there...but because their own actions put them there. When unemployed, he should have contacted the court for a temporary reduction in cs, rather than just forget about it.

Does that make more sense? Is it less harsh?

I do feel for you. I do. What you expected to hear, however, is unknown to me. I'm not going to feel sorry for a man who is in jail because he didn't send even $25 (or $10 for that matter) a month to his dying ex wife to help care for his children.

Again...I'm not being judgmental...I'm being honest. Someday the sun will clear and you'll see thru the love, and into the truth. What did you EXPECT to hear from us? Honestly, because I don't exactly know what you expected. Compassion and understanding for your side of things? Sure, I feel for you...but not how you WANT me to. I feel for you because I see love blinding you to the reality of why he is where he is.
Love me without fear-Need me without demanding-Trust me without question-Want me without restrictions-Accept me without change. Find my soul and I'm yours 4ever

okcowgirl1974

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RE: I dont know everything, here's what i do know.
« Reply #9 on: Jan 21, 2005, 01:30:47 PM »
I dont see that email, im very new to this site.  Is there a place on this site for email, or was it sent to my own email address

 

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