How many of you step moms..

[flewwellin]

How many step moms out there have started a family with DH and what were the reactions of the BM before baby was born and did the reaction change?

[ape032]

We are currently in that situation. 2 stepkids, girl 10, boy 8. They live with me and dad during school year and live with their mom during the summer. Not by choice- mom lost full custody as of Jan 04 because of her inability to control her anger and parental alienation.
Our baby is due in September. The kids have been so excited, even asking to buy toys, clothes and anything they could find to get for the baby. Not asking for anything for themselves. Then they went to live with mom- the name we had all picked out and liked- they no longer like. The mom is writing us letters talking about how upset the kids are and how afraid they are because of how I (step mom) will treat them when the baby is born. But they have no worries about dad. But according to her previous letters, they didn't like me anyway, so why would they worry about that?? I have a great relationship with both kids.  They are wonderful.  The mom is insecure and is pushing her insecurities onto the kids.  The mom has even gone as far as writing to tell me once I get fat he will divorce me too. She has written me letters telling me about what happened when they had sex and so on...... She is a jealous, insecure and scared to death- of life and responsibility. She is 34 years old and her mom and dad still support her because she can't make ends meet with her part time job.
Monday night at the ball field we saw the kids.  My step daughter gave me a hug, looked to find her mom. As she kept an eye on mom(making sure she wasn't watching), she rubbed my belly to tell the baby goodbye, then jerked her hand away quickly.  
The flip side- at our house she always rubs my belly to tell the baby goodnight, good morning or even I love you. Sad that she can't be herself in front of her own mother.
Sorry, hard to find a stopping point....

[jilly]

My SD was excited about her new sister.  But, we did have an incident about a month before DD was born.

We were coming back from somewhere when out of the blue SD asks DH "Do you love Jill more than you love me?"  Our jaws just dropped!  She had never asked a question like this before.  DH tells her that he doesn't love me more than he does her and that the way he feels about me is different than the way he feels about her.  When asked why she asked that question I'm sure you know what the response was:  "My Mommy said"  She also said that her Mommy told her that he was going to love the new baby more than he loves her.  DH was furious!  When we got home, he sat down and talked to her and found out quite a few things the PB was saying.  DH reassured her that he loved her and would always love her...that he thought about her all the time and missed her when she wasn't with him.  Even went so far as to show her that he carried a recent picture of her in his wallet.  Had her look around the house and see all the pictures there were of her, etc.

Since DD has been born PB is all nicey nice. *Barf*  We had SD this past weekend and I had to take her to her baseball game.  DH got called in to work and there I was with SD, DD and granddaughter.  PB showed up 30 minutes late for the game.  While we were there DD had to go to the potty so PB offered to take her since we had JUST got back from the potty.  I let her take her but I really hated doing it!

There were a couple of incidents where SD would say "I need to tell you something" and then proceed to say "My Mommy said..."  Unfortunately she doesn't do that anymore.  The few times it happened, DH had a talk with PB about things she was telling SD, which, in turn, got SD in deep poop so now she just doesn't tell us anything for fear we'll tell the PB. It's got to be hell on earth to be afraid of your own Mama.  She will ocassionally talk to me and I'll relay the conversation to DH, who will then sit down and talk to SD.  He always has to reassure her that 1) she's not in any trouble and won't be in trouble and 2) he won't tell PB what she tells him.

SD loves DD very much, even though she does get on her nerves sometimes but that's to be expected with siblings.  But woe unto anyone that tries to hurt her! LOL   Now the hard part is when we take SD home.  When we dropped her off this past Sunday, as we were driving off DD started whining that she wanted her sissy.  It's just heartbreaking because DD misses her big sister so much when she's not there.  How do you explain something like this to a 3 year old??  The weekends we do have SD, the minute DD sees her big sister she nearly tackles her! LOL  She even takes precedence over hugging Daddy!

[flewwellin]

Sorry you're having to deal with a psycho ex wife!  Hope she doesn't get worse after the baby is born!  

[flewwellin]

I haven't had any real problems as of yet with step kids and BM as far as the new baby is concerned (baby is due in a little over 3 months!) But baby hasn't actually arrived yet.  Actually BM is trying to become pregnant (she had her tubal reversed) and hasn't been successful yet.  I hope she gets pregnant if that is truly what she wishes.  

[BigFamily]

Hello,

I've been pregnant twice since my husband and I were married. We're on our third now. Each time his ex found out, she brought up some excuse to bring my husband to court. Not surprising, this time isn't any different.

The first time, the ex's mother actually had the gall to call my husband at his work and tell him that he needed to emotionally support his ex because she was going through such a tough time what with me being pregnant. Then when I was 7 months, the ex showed up at my door unannounced. She called my husband and told him that I was "rude" to her because I didn't invite her in and "slammed" the door in her face. She said that if I ever did that again, that she would have someone "kick my ass".

The second time I was pregnant, I was 6 months along. She came to my home for the pick up. As I opened the door to let my step-son out, she started screaming at me. As I was closing the door, she kicked it and tried to push her way into my home. Needless to say, I received an anti-harrassment order against her for a year. She also stated to my husband that the only reason that he was with me was because she couldn't have any more children.

This time, she's starting already. I'm 6 months pregnant. At the last drop off, she called my husband and told him that he was going to have to pay to have someone "evaluate" our marriage because we had had an argument, that we were punching each other, and that as a result, I took the kids to someone else's house to spend the night. Needless to say, that was news to both my husband and myself.

I don't know if it's my being pregnant that "sets her off", or just the fact that my husband is having a pretty darn good life WITHOUT HER. Probably both, and a few hundred other things as well. ;-)

[jilly]

She'll have someone kick your ass?? What...she not woman enough to do it herself?? LOL

I'm sure you're right about why she gets so bent out of shape everytime your pregnant.  Even though I know there are some crazy people out there it still amazes me how crazy people can be sometimes.

[babymakes8]

DH and I started a family...we had two daughters together, plus, I had a daughter from my first marriage and he has three children from his ex....

She was stunned when she found out I was pregnant....and that it was planned!  She tried to make things miserable for awhile, but stopped when she realized that her tactics weren't going to work...LOL...

She's fine now...

[marybeth33]

I am the BM - and she isnt a step mom but has been a girlfriend to ex for a couple years now and she is due with a baby girl in September. Now I havent hardly spoke to the woman however my only feelings towards her are of sympathy. If you see my post above you will see that ex isnt a man she will be able to count on. She already has one son and that sons father abandoned her and doesnt support nor visit the child. The probability of my ex doing this to her and the new baby are pretty significant. I am not angry with her at all. I think it was a bad choice or mistake on their part to not protect themselves from pregnansy when he isnt financially supporting the 3 children he already has but - what can I do? As to my boys - they are somewhat excited.
I am however concerned that the new child will prevent ex from further contact with the boys- that he will take on shutting the door from past and move on with this new family. But Im not concerned for ME I am concerned for the boys. I have not voiced that however to anyone.

Just my point of view.

[Kitty C.]

BM got married exactly 2 weeks after DH and I did, in May 1999.  In March 2000, she delivered another boy.  During the pregnancy, she had the gall to ask DH 'when' we were going to have a baby.  And she just couldn't believe that we were considering at that time NOT having one.  It almost sounded like she wanted to beat us to the punch, since we got married first, LOL!  I guess we burst her bubble!

And as of July 8, we've made certain that there will NEVER be any more pregnancies........we're getting too old and, tho I dearly LOVE babies, I can't imagine the energy I'd need to muster (again!) for the 18 years after that, LOL!

[wysiwyg]

We started our "family" 10 yeasrs ago.  DH adopted my kids when my 1st husband fell off the face of the earth, with parting words "I don;t give a F*** what this does to the kids" and that was that.

2DH and I never had any biological children, but here is what happened with his ex, she called all the other kids "Illegitimate Bast****", called me a "Whore", "Mistress" (All documented in writing from her and in court records) and has testified that she does not give a SH** about the other kids.  She has ingrained this to my Step child - he teeter totters between the 2 attitudes.  Sad really, he should be proud of the older ones who are in the military adn fight for our county and are out of the country now.  Continuing on with BM, she has stalked us (all proven in court) and filed false police reports and filings (all in cour records) and is on Prozac for her "depression" and the judge has even told her her anger is out of control, she is an admitted abuser, (admitted to this in court under oath and questioning) and has given such an attitude that the Phd reports to the court show that she has an underlying anger and hostility towards me and foams at the mouth when step child calls me mom.  As our first attorney said, she is a Betty Broderick in the making.............

[flewwellin]

I can see your concern in this.  I would think that it would be a very common concern and therefore truly try to let the kids mom know that just because we are having a baby it's not to replace her kids it's just to add on to the family we already have.  

[flewwellin]

Oh my!  I hope that she didn't have a baby to beat ya'll to it!!  That would be horrible for that poor little baby! Gee guess some BM's are truly crazy!

[flewwellin]

Sounds like she wins the BM nut case award!

[flewwellin]

strange you say that cause my friend is in a very similar sittuation.  He is trying for #3 cause he wants a daughter really bad.  I don't think the girl he's with now will be stupid enough to give him a second kid from her. (my best friend had a son in April 2002) he has since had another son last year some time and he'll truly probably have another.  He's worthless, doesn't pay child support, doesnt' visit with his son during his visitation time (it's spent with the father's mom) and won't even speak with him on his birthday!  Creep.  I am sorry that you have to deal with a creep!

[mc24]

Well, the reactions here changed, and changed again, and changed again, .......etc.

At first, she was all sweet and happy for us, then she started freaking out the closer it got to delivery time, and by the time we were in the hospital, she actually CAME TO THE HOSPITAL and showed her a$$!  
It was freaky, like some surreal world for me.  I was still hooked up to the IV and epidural, as I had had a c-section, and she was freaking out on DH in the hallway.  Her new hubby was there, too.  Crazy!!

Things calmed down after that, I guess.  Didn't make any difference anyway we went  on to have a few more, and she was not allowed to come to the hospital for any of them.  :)

[flewwellin]

I dare our BM to come to the hospital and start harrassing us! I'll call the security or cops on her so damn fast!  

[BigFamily]

Seriously, you should really post this story under the "Looking for ex w/biggest nerve..." topic. I think that she would win the trophy.

[mc24]

What I found to be really insane about the whole thing was, she wasn't freaking out b/c she was worried about the effect this would have on the child she and DH had together, she was worried b/c she saw this as the final proof he was able to move on with his life and forget about her.  She said exactly at one point "You used to have ME up on a pedestal, and now all that will change"!  

Her new husband was there and saw the whole charade.  Unbelievable that he didn't leave her then.  That took a few more months of getting to know the real her.  :D

BTW...she's on #5 now - how sad.

[flewwellin]

That's it in a nutshell!!  She was so completely jealous!

In my sittuation, the kids are now home in PA with their mom we won't see them again until the day after christmas by then the baby will be born.  I am curious to see how she truly reacts after the baby is born.  We spoke the other night about the baby and me getting pictures taken and of course sending some to the step kids so they can see their baby brother ( we're told its a boy ).  She actually said to send one to her specifically so that she could put it in her van she says she's got a kind of collage of pictures of all the people who mean a lot to the kids (DH and I aren't on it though) and she would really like to be able to have a picture of their baby brother so they can brag about him.  Here's to hoping all goes well!!!

[4honor]

BM was ticked, but otherwise OK .. I was pregnant when we got married with the first one, but she flipped out when she found out we were having a SECOND child... our 2 plus SS trumps her other one plus SS and we get a deviation in CS.

The major problems with SS started ("your father's kids aren't your REAL brothers, just us, so I don't care how you treat them so long as it isn't equal to us"). SS started hitting the kids with sticks (left welts on DS1) and belts and tonka trucks. He excalated from there.