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Author Topic: Abuse in custodial parents home.  (Read 3973 times)

JTR Dad

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Abuse in custodial parents home.
« on: Apr 18, 2007, 11:37:18 PM »
I'm a non-custodial parent, w/ joint custody, living in a different state. I learned a few hours ago that my daughter's step-father has been abusing her. It began two years ago and my ex knew about it. My daughter (16) confided in a friend a month ago who steered her to the authorities. The step-father turned himself in and made bail all in the same night. The ex has been telling the kids to keep it quiet because she can't make it without his financial contribution, she had an argument with the kids about this as recently as 2 days ago. My daughter is currently with my mother a few miles away from my ex. I'm hundreds of miles away. What do I do right now? Relocating back to that area quickly is an option.


Jade

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RE: Abuse in custodial parents home.
« Reply #1 on: Apr 19, 2007, 03:13:53 AM »
>I'm a non-custodial parent, w/ joint custody, living in a
>different state. I learned a few hours ago that my daughter's
>step-father has been abusing her. It began two years ago and
>my ex knew about it. My daughter (16) confided in a friend a
>month ago who steered her to the authorities. The step-father
>turned himself in and made bail all in the same night. The ex
>has been telling the kids to keep it quiet because she can't
>make it without his financial contribution, she had an
>argument with the kids about this as recently as 2 days ago.
>My daughter is currently with my mother a few miles away from
>my ex. I'm hundreds of miles away. What do I do right now?
>Relocating back to that area quickly is an option.

File for temporary custody.  I would also look into filing a restraining order against the stepfather that won't allow him anywhere near your kids.  If he abused one, he will abuse the other.  Hope it all goes well for you and you get your children to safety.  


JTR Dad

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RE: Abuse in custodial parents home.
« Reply #2 on: Apr 19, 2007, 08:42:04 PM »
Thank you for the info. My husband had a chance to read your advice before he left to go to his daughter. I told him I'd keep an eye on this msg for him.

We were surprised by something we were told today and while he intends to pursue it further, if you know of any similar case please let me know...My husband was told that charges could not be brought against his ex-wife. The Asst. State's Atty told him this.

The ex knew what was going on and not only didn't report it, she told her daughter not to tell either.
 

Davy

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RE: Abuse in custodial parents home.
« Reply #3 on: Apr 19, 2007, 11:47:37 PM »
Understandability the information provided is somewhat brief as  far as the severity of the abuse and if the severity of the abuse is escalating.

Is DCF/CPS involved ?  

What authority placed the child in the grandmother's home ?

Does the child use drugs or display any irrational behavior traits that can currently be traced to the abuse allegations ?

It is pertinant to formulate a plan to take custody of all the children.  The courts may not uproot the children from the school and community.

Some considerations :

-- Always focus on the short term and long term well-being of the children.

-- Drop the divorce/custody mindset and all the labels.  Dad is a parent first.   A parent can legally remove a child for their safety.

-- Do not make disparaging remarks directed at the mother.

-- Always remain calm but firm.

-- The State's Attorney is obligated to follow legal statues rather than social policy.

-- Be mindful that your daughter may end-up living in this situation again.

Best of Luck !!

btw Is it possible that any portion of child support monies provided the bail money ??


Giggles

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My brother went through the exact same thing...m
« Reply #4 on: Apr 20, 2007, 06:28:47 AM »
Well...I don't know the full details, but his children were sexually abused at the hand of their Step-father and yes, the BM knew!!  He too lived many miles away and the first thing he did was drop everything, packed up and moved to the same town.  He then retained an attorney and fought the state (the kids were placed in foster care), the BM and Child protective services in a 3 year battle.  At the end, my brother was awarded SOLE custody, the BM has supervised visitation, several of the CPS workers were fired and the Stepfather is spending 17 years in jail.

As for the charges against the BM, they could be brought up against her, but it's damn hard to prove and the States Atty, may not have the clincher evidence to prove the case.

My prayers are with you and your DH and his children.  They have a very hard long road ahead!!  
Now I'm living....Just another day in Paradise!!


JTR Dad

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RE: Abuse in custodial parents home.
« Reply #5 on: Apr 21, 2007, 11:12:38 PM »
>>
>Is DCF/CPS involved ?  I don't know.
>
>What authority placed the child in the grandmother's home ? A counselor was assigned to the case, provided by the county, after the arrest. Upon learning that the BM was lying to the counselor and making the daughter lie as well, she advised that the child be removed immediately. The grandmother was the most logical choice.
>
>Does the child use drugs or display any irrational behavior
>traits that can currently be traced to the abuse allegations
>? I do not believe so.
>
>>
>btw Is it possible that any portion of child support monies
>provided the bail money ?? We had just sent 3 months worth of support at around that time. Does it make a difference?   >

One child is over 18 and out of the house. The child in this matter is 16. I mention the "kids" collectively only because the BM is trying to get both of them to see things her way.

With all due respect, my husband and I are not able to accept the possibility that his daughter may end up living in this situation again. She is 16, which should have considerable weight in court, and has expressed to her Dad that she has no desire to ever live with her mother again. There is nothing about my husband that would cause the court to doubt him being a far more than "fit" parent. The only wrinkle is our location which we will have corrected in about 6 weeks we estimate.

With that information, are we being reasonable in our assumption that my husband's daughter will end up with us?

 

JTR Dad

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RE: My brother went through the exact same thing...m
« Reply #6 on: Apr 21, 2007, 11:35:33 PM »
Thank you for sharing a positive example.

Regarding the charges against the BM, my husband was told, by the sheriff's office, that her part in this would be pursued by the State's Atty, and they would determine if charges could be filed. He was also told that if he reported it as a crime separate from the stepfather's case, that it could slow down the whole process.

I would think that the daughter's age and testimony would be significant as far as evidence goes. DH told me today that the daughter told the BM each time an incident occurred and each time the BM would assure her she'd take care of it and yet did not. A 16 year old, level-headed child offering that information seems like evidence to me. The child is not boiling over with anger at her mother, she's confused and disappointed that her mother continues to lie and support this man who hurt her.  

Davy

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RE: Abuse in custodial parents home.
« Reply #7 on: Apr 22, 2007, 10:27:49 PM »

From your response one can assume your daughter is very fortunate to have the family structure around her.

First of all,  the daughter appears not to be acting out from the abusive and emotional upheaval in her life.  It is very important this young lady has a quality temporary living arrangement with the paternal grandmother.  Moreover, her Dad and SM are fantastic (it shows in your writing) with the ability to re-locate in short-order. In addition. one can assume that Dad is familiar with the environment since his mother lives in the community.

My remark concerning child support was mostly sarcastic in nature ... one can assume those CS monies were part of the cash flow that provided bail money.  I'll comment further below.

With the information you have provided, I think there exist a high probality your daughter will prevail with you.  Please be encouraged but do not matters for granted.  The courts have have been instrumental in causing havoc in our children's lives.  

CS was not an issue in my personal situation but I despised supporting (supporting a home) where my children were being abused in more ways than one.  My ex-wife boyfriend/husband's ex-wife had filed a Parental Termination case because of what he (and ex-wife) had done to my children.  It was during the deposition of 2 of my children (ages 13 & 14) that the attorney was trying to tie my CS monies to when he started paying CS (half of what I paid).  Note I had no forum in that venue because the venue was under a Federal Ct order not to ever again have anything to do with my children and me (long ugly story).
In addition, the Home state refused to hear Emergency motions.

I hired an attorney during the Parental Termination case to dissolve my kids from testifying against their mom's bozzo but could not get that to happen....really did what that dysfunction in their lifes 5 years ... 20 years ... up the road.

One thing you may want to consider.  The abuse may be much worst than you know at this time ..... you may not find until many many many years later.  

just_me

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RE: Abuse in custodial parents home.
« Reply #8 on: Apr 24, 2007, 05:54:23 PM »
My hubby's ex lives in IN with her new husband, Hubby and I live in TX.  After not seeing his two sons for three years during a visit we learned their was domestic violence in their home.
We hired an attorney the next day and filed an emergency ex parte and a protective order, neither mother or step-dad was allowed any contact with the children until the court hearing a few weeks later.
You may have to file in the state your daughter lives depending on jurisdiction, seek an attorney's advice ASAP.
It sounds to me that the mother need to be thrown under a bus with the stepdad.  I'd die before I left some knowingly hurt my child.  You have to fight for yours.
You also need to make your daughter realize that her mother's financial problems are adult problems and shouldn't be talked about with her.  Some parents just don't understand what is and is not appropriate for a child.

Best of Luck!  I will add your little girl to my prayers.

just_me

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RE: Abuse in custodial parents home.
« Reply #9 on: Apr 24, 2007, 06:00:47 PM »
Oh, I almost forgot.
Start keeping a diary of everything that is happening.
Get copies of all police reports CPS investigations, etc.  While they can still find them.

I finished reading the other post at the emergency hearing, your attorney can request that your daughter speak to the judge in private chambers.  Your daughter can then express to the judge where she would like to live.

You technically don't have to relocate.  School is out in a few weeks, daughter coudl remain with grandmother until the end of the school term and then start a new school where no one has seen the charges against her stepdad and mom in the paper next year.

 

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