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Author Topic: Sort of had a hearing  (Read 7762 times)

awakenlynn

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Sort of had a hearing
« on: Jul 11, 2007, 08:27:42 PM »
Ex filed a petition to vacate a foreign order that she registered and to put in place the visitation that she wants.  We received those papers.

Ex then filed for a temporary hearing, which was sort of today.  Ex never filed a petition for a temp. hearing, nor did ex answer the interogettories they we sent.  We had no idea WHY we were going to court today.  Actually we didn't go, just attorney went.

The main reason our attorney informed us was for the temp hearing, was because even BEFORE visitation started, apparently we weren't allowing ex to stay in contact as much as she wanted with SD (she is 14).

(make sense?)

What ex WANTS is to impose her rules on us, which we won't allow.  We have 3 rules:
1, SD cell phone is off when we are home, we have a home landline and ex can call as often as she wants.
2, SD can take her phone with her if she goes out. (but she has to remember to keep it charged, on and take it with her)
3, SD has to let us know she is going to call her mom (this is only because the phone line is also the computer line and you can't do both at once.

If we are not home (which is often, for some reason ex thinks we spend our entire 8 weeks, sitting and twiddling our thumbs) and ex calls and leaves a message, we ALWAYS tell SD and SHE chooses if she wants to call back, sometimes she doesn't want to and we are not going to force her to.

Ex wants to know friends #'s so she can call there, she won't even do that for us!  If SD wants to speak with her mother, she can use her cell phone.
Ex wants MY family information because when it gets really hot (we don't have a/c) we spend the night there.  SD is welcome to call on her step-grandmother's phone and has done numerous times, and if SD wants she can use her cell phone, she just chooses not to.

So the 2 attorneys talked (basically our attorney, asking why he was even there) and they agreed to reschedule for it next week.  Ex talks with her daughter AT LEAST once a week if not twice, just like we do.
Ex says she is SD's mother and should be able to talk to her more.  (oh, the meaning of logic)

So we get the details down better with our attorney tomorrow along with 3 swimming lessons, golf lessons, work, running errands and trying to purchase a new, used car (ours was totalled last week in an accident hit and run, thankfully we weren't in it at the time!!!)  Where am I supposed to find more time?  I can't wait for school!!!!

Lynn


mistoffolees

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RE: Sort of had a hearing
« Reply #1 on: Jul 12, 2007, 11:28:05 AM »
I would think about whether this is a battle you really want.

First, IMHO, both parents have a right to know where the children are all the time and to talk to them at any time (unless it becomes unreasonable). It would have to be a lot more than once a week to be unreasonable. If BM calls and SD isn't there, she has a right to know where she is. And I don't think it's the least bit unreasonable for her to be able to contact SD when you're at your family's house. You seem to want it both ways - use the cell phone when YOU want and use the land line when YOU want. I don't think that's fair.

As for cell phone vs. home line, what difference does it make? SD has a right to private conversations with her mother and if it's more convenient to use the cell phone, why make an issue of it?

I don't personally see anything that says they're asking all that much and suspect that the fight won't be worth it - especially when SD is at the age when she's starting to spread her wings preparing to fly away - and you risk her resenting your control on her communication with her mother.

Think really hard before getting into a legal battle over something that just doesn't matter all that much in the scheme of things. If BM starts talking to SD 2 hours a day, you have a different issue.

Genie

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I agree....
« Reply #2 on: Jul 12, 2007, 07:16:35 PM »
I know that if my D's were gone for 8 weeks, I would be talking to them more than 1 - 2 times a week.  In fact, it would be every day to every other day tops.  It is not b/c I would want to make X's life miserable - it would be b/c I would miss the girls and want to here about their days.  No be nosy, just talk about what they have been doing.  Shoot 8 weeks is a long time to be away when you are used to being with them almost every day.

As for phone calls, I agree it doesn't matter what phone she talks on.  Hey if she uses the cell then she is using their minutes and BM is paying for the call, not you. Don't know if it is a long distance call or not.

As for staying at your parent's house, I would insist I could contact on her cell phone when she is there.  I would also want to know the address.  Not being nosy but just b/c I have a right to know.  Just as X would have a right to know my parent's address if I was staying there.

It goes both ways.  I'm sure there is more to it than just this but sometimes the battle just isn't worth it.  Let her use her cell and give her your parent's address.  

Kitty C.

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But..............
« Reply #3 on: Jul 12, 2007, 08:40:51 PM »
Maybe I'm reading this all wrong, but I see nowhere in the OP that they were keeping the SD from staying in contact with the BM.  It sounds like the SD has unlimited access to either the cell or landline, it's just a matter (in certain specific instances) of which one to use when.  The impression I'm getting from the OP is that the BM is insisting that the SD be available at ALL times, regardless of their plans.

And maybe it's just me, but IMO, one call a week seems plenty to stay in touch when your child is away, especially if they're older.  I would put DS on a plane and send him 1800 miles away every summer for 2 months, starting when he was 8 years old.  Yes, I missed him terribly... I bawled like a baby when his plane would take off.  But I also realized that his dad must have missed him so much more, since he only got to see DS 2 months out of the year.  So I didn't want to intrude on the little time they got to spend together.  And since they liked to go camping, I also knew there would be frequent times that I couldn't get a hold of them anyway.  So I figured leaving a message for DS to hear was the least I could do.  Whether he returned the call or not wasn't the important thing, but knowing I was staying in touch meant so much more to him.

Personally, I think the phone call rules the BM is demanding of the OP is way out of line.  It sounds like the BM is more concerned about HER control than of the time the SD gets to spend with her BF and family.  The whole thing reeks of the BM's selfishness and appears to have no concern for the SD at all.  And it appears that the SD is making up her own mind about how she wants to handle it, by her desire to either return the calls to BM or not.  So I think the bottom line is that this is an issue between the BM and the SD and the BF and family are caught up in it.  But then, that's JMO..............
Handle every stressful situation like a dog........if you can't play with it or eat it, pee on it and walk away.......

dipper

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RE: But..............
« Reply #4 on: Jul 12, 2007, 09:52:31 PM »
I agree with Kitty.  If the mother can contact SD through her cell phone, I dont think she needs the grandparents info as well.  BM never gave us that and they lived with her parents!  If dh wanted to talk to ss, he was to call bm's cell.  I think the physical address of where the child is spending nights is enough.  I do not think they should have to provide this for sd's friends.   That sounds too controlling to me....the parent that has the child at the time needs to be trusted to make sound judgements about who the daughter is with.

Also, the few times my girls have spent a few days with their dad, I did not call because it is his time.  Did I miss them?  Of course, but that is about me and not them....and the other parent deserves time uninterrupted.  We all hear the stories of a parent USING the phone calls to cling to the child.  I dont see anything wrong with calling once a week, and this bm has every chance to call her daughter...its only that the daughter doesnt always want to call her  back.  And at her age, i wouldnt force her to do that either.  


mistoffolees

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RE: But..............
« Reply #5 on: Jul 12, 2007, 11:43:57 PM »
Several things to consider:

1. The BM may be concerned that dad will be listening in (or even taping) on a separate line if she calls the home phone. Given the level of control that BOTH parents seem to be playing here, that seems like a reasonable concern to me.

2. While some of you may see it differently, I think that both parents have the right to know where the kid is and how to contact them at all times. I certainly keep my ex informed all the time.

3. Relying solely on a teenager's cell phone isn't the most reliable method. I suspect that our kids were typical and they either didn't have their phone with them or forgot to charge it or had it turned off half the time.

4. It DOES appear that dad is limiting daughter's access to BM. For example, if she's only allowed to use the land line and the land line is on the same line as the computer, she's prevented from calling her mother when someone is using the computer. Let's say Dad starts a long download - oops, daughter can't call her mom. OP is taking the position that once a week is enough - and I don't think it is.

For those reasons, I don't think BM's request is unreasonable and I don't think the judge will find it unreasonable, either. OP is likely to spend a lot of money and lose, anyway. But, of course, that's up to her.

Kitty C.

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RE: But..............
« Reply #6 on: Jul 13, 2007, 10:04:57 AM »
Mist,

The OP also stated that if the landline was being used for the computer, the cell phone could be used.  That's what I mean by unlimited access.  It really appears that the SD herself is choosing whether or not to speak to her mother.  Let's look at it this way:  if there are no issues between mother and daughter, then I would take a second look at what's going on in the BF's home.  But the 'rules' that the BM wants to impose smack heavily of her insisting on control of the situation.  

Again, I see nothing in the OP that tells me the BM can't call any time or the SD can't call her back at any time.  So if it's an issue with the BM, then the problem lies there as well.

And there were MANY days I did not know specifically where DS was in CA with his dad.  And it wasn't my business, either.  The time DS spent with his dad was their's alone and I had no business knowing everywhere they went every day.
Handle every stressful situation like a dog........if you can't play with it or eat it, pee on it and walk away.......

mistoffolees

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RE: But..............
« Reply #7 on: Jul 13, 2007, 01:33:36 PM »
>Mist,
>
>The OP also stated that if the landline was being used for the
>computer, the cell phone could be used.  That's what I mean by
>unlimited access.  It really appears that the SD herself is

No, it's not. Let's say BM wants to call SD. The line is busy. How does she know that the computer is in use, giving her 'permssion' to call the cell phone? That would work if SD is initiating the call, but not if BM initiates the call. All she knows is that the line is busy - not that the computer is in use.

>choosing whether or not to speak to her mother.  Let's look at

If that's the case, then dad is making an issue over nothing. But I don't think it's the case. The mother is spending money on an attorney and hearing because she doesn't get enough access.

>it this way:  if there are no issues between mother and
>daughter, then I would take a second look at what's going on
>in the BF's home.  But the 'rules' that the BM wants to impose
>smack heavily of her insisting on control of the situation.  

Sounds to me like dad is trying to control the situation, as well. That's quite clear from his nit-picky rules (you must use the landline, but if the computer is in use, you have to use the cell phone).

>
>Again, I see nothing in the OP that tells me the BM can't call
>any time or the SD can't call her back at any time.  So if
>it's an issue with the BM, then the problem lies there as
>well.

Other than, of course, the fact that the father is controlling the situation. How does the mother know the father is not recording or listening in on the conversation?

>
>And there were MANY days I did not know specifically where DS
>was in CA with his dad.  And it wasn't my business, either.
>The time DS spent with his dad was their's alone and I had no
>business knowing everywhere they went every day.

You're free to run your life however you want. But having joint custody, I need to be able to get in touch with my daughter any time I wish. While there will be circumstances where that's not possible, I would certainly strive to know where she was most of the time.

For example, the father says that they stay at his parent's house 'when it's hot' because they don't have A/C. In my part of the country, that could be 3-4 months at a time. I think it's completley unreasonable to not know where your child is- especially when it's a routine thing (and not just the occasional overnight vacation).

awakenlynn

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RE: Sort of had a hearing
« Reply #8 on: Jul 13, 2007, 04:38:07 PM »
Well, first off ex's attorney got a temp hearing date, but never filed any papers for it.

Second, its not really our fight.  We have our rules.  We really think 14 is still too young to have a cell phone, she still isn't responsible with it.
Also the rule is when we are home, she uses the land phone-this way there is proof that ex is calling and that ex has all the contact she wants, otherwise she lies like she is in court and saying she can't contact SD and we don't give messages (which we give SD as soon as we get the message)
The second rule is that SD IS allowed to take her cell phone when she goes out, she just has to be responsible for it.  

Ex refuses to give us any information if SD is not home and when she goes to family or friends, if SD wants to take the cell she does. if she doesn't we don't make her.

We have the landline rule because we do have trouble with ex and she is the pressing the issue, not us.  She has been claiming since before the visitation started that she could not reach SD whenever she wanted instead of following the court order.

awakenlynn

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RE: But..............
« Reply #9 on: Jul 13, 2007, 05:09:05 PM »
Because of work schedules, we are rarely on the computer during the day, but once in awhile, I do need to get on to pay bills, the ex is court ordered certain times when she can call, but chooses not to. We do not download things, and if we have to we wait until after kids are in bed.

If SD didn't have a cell phone, half the arguements wouldn't hold.  SD can reach her mother whenever she wants.  Ex is court ordered times and we give her MUCH more latitude than that.

Yes, we live in the midwest and there are days it is over 85.  Unfortunately we do not have the money to install or buy a/c's so we have to go to my parent's house.  and when we do, its only for a day herSD lets her mother know and if SD wants to take her cell phone to stay in touch she does.

I don't think we are controlling, we have 2 rules and we are considerate of SD and the phone.

Ex has court ordered call times, but she is still going to court because she doesn't get the 24/7 access that she wants.

 

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