My
SS's mom used to be a PBFH.......now she's just mildly brain dead, LOL!
But when
DH and I got together, she hated me like no other! During our 1st Christmas (when we were to have SS on Xmas day and 2 days after, per CO), she had no idea whether we were going to my family or DH's. Prior to this, she sent SS in out-sized and out-of-season clothes EVERY time. SS (at the tender age of 4) said that 'Mommy got all my clothes at a second-hand store for the bag to take to Daddy's'. Quilted sweats in the summer, thin t-shirts in the winter.........and SECOND-HAND UNDERWEAR!!! Get the picture? But on that first Christmas when DH picked SS up, SS was literally dressed to the nines! Even his socks matched his outfit! Because if we were going to see MY family, she didn't want anyone to think bad of her...........she didn't give a rat's patootie about DH and his family, of course. And we went to his!
That set the course and theme for the next 5-6 years. I learned NEVER to engage her directly. I would barely answer the phone if she called and ONLY if DH was there. So to make the suffering less for SS, we bought clothes for him (and had some 'nice' hand-me-downs from my DS) and kept EVERY toy we bought him at our house. When she realized that we would not play her game with her, she backed off. She still would make noise occasionally, but the one VERY important fact DH and I have found is that living well and being happy are the BEST revenge!
When she remarried and got pregnant almost immediately, she asked DH why we weren't having a baby (we got married 14 days before she did). DH told her: #1-'It's none of your business.' and #2-We choose not to have that responsibility to tie us down. Almost 10 years later, she has another divorce and another kid going thru grade school, and we're off doing whatever tickles our fancy! We live only about 2 blocks away and, given what SS (now 14) tells us, the fires of jealousy are burning quite bright there these days...I swear I've seen smoke, LOL! So the #2 comment, while considered none of her business, was just a 'rub'!
She must have 'seen the light' in some ways during her 2nd divorce, and all of a sudden I'm not the wicked stepmother anymore! But I ain't her friend, either.........and never will be. Now she's dependant on me, with SS going thru the orthodontic program where I work (and getting a 50% discount because of ME) to save her (and us) money. My, how the tables have turned!
Bottom line for you personally, avoid her as much as humanly possible. Try to help your DH understand that he should ONLY give her as much information as she NEEDS to know. Anything more than that and you give away your power to her, which she's feeds on. Shelter your
SD from as much of the turmoil as you possibly can. Buy clothes and toys to keep at your home, even if that means she has the same thing at her mom's. The PB may or may not eventually 'come around', but do not plan on it. Expect her to be nasty and you won't be surprised.
But above all else..........DON'T give away your power to her! Once you and your DH understand that and are able to utilize it in dealing with her, it will be a whole lot easier to live with, epecially emotionally. That's part of being the 'better person'. Remember, just because she made certain statements in filings of things she 'want's, that doesn't mean she's going to get them. So if the judge doesn't see your DH as a threat, her request for her and her hubby to travel just because she's 'afraid' of him won't hold water and neither will the
supervised visitation. Nothing is a done deal until the final order is signed..........and if it ain't in the final order, she canNOT demand it!