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Author Topic: Ex left with my daughter a year ago  (Read 2841 times)

criz

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Ex left with my daughter a year ago
« on: Aug 02, 2004, 11:05:17 AM »
Let me start by saying that I'm writing this post for advice.  I am a 29 year old father living in upstate New York about 1 hr north of the city.  I have a 2 year old daughter with a woman from Utah who I met here.  We never married, and after my daughter's birth, she moved in with me as we tried to work things out.  They did not work out, and after a year together she decided to leave me, and to move home.  This was in August 2003.  I didn't pursue legal action as she assured me she would stick to the agreed upon vistation/custody times.  I payed her child support in the form of checks for about 7 months before she had the state of Utah begin deducting them from my paycheck.  The amount I was giving her happened to be only 5 dollars less than what they take.  I have been visiting my daughter about every 2 months for long weekends as my finances permit.  These visits have always been on her mothers terms, doing what she wants, when she wants to do things.  I am finally getting around to doing what I should have done from the outset; obtaining legal visitation and custody rights.  She has a hard time letting me spend time with my daughter for a few hours alone, let alone a half day.  I guess the reason for this post is to ask if anyone has been in a similar situation with a child of similar age, and what is reasonable for a father to request in terms of visitation times.  Originally, we agreed that I would be able to have 2 months out of the year with Chloe.  However, she now says she is too young, and that we will have to wait until she is around 5 years old, and that by then Chloe will be able to decide on her own.  I find this to be absurd.  Thus, I am moving towards finding an attorney.  All I want is to be able to spend time alone with my daughter for several recurring long weekends and for part of the summer.  This means no Mom looking over our shoulders, just her and I, fishing, hiking, playing with her toys, and bonding.  Her Mom says she will not go to court until I move out there.  Well, I don't know when, or IF I will be moving out there.  Does anyone have any advice to offer me?  Is it unusual for a father to have partial custody during the summer months?  Her mother will not even consider me taking her for alternating holidays at this point.

Thank you.



Bolivar OH

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RE: Ex left with my daughter a year ago
« Reply #1 on: Aug 02, 2004, 11:59:04 AM »
You will have to go through Utah to establish custody rights AND then be given visitation/holiday/vacation schedule.

If you are at all open to moving out there and want to try some “HARD BALL” negations say “well since I cannot see my daughter I will be moving out their so I can file for custody and spend more time with our daughter.  Since I will be looking for a new job I will be force to file for a modification in child support since I will not be making as much.”.

Remember “a child needs a FATHER!!”


VENT:
First you must understand she is a control freak and you have NO rights to your child legally.  However if you do NOT pay CS you will go to jail. She is treating your child as property.  Currently the court system will allow such behavior. She has the upper hand and will be able to alienate you from you child.



P.S. remember to ware a rubber at all times!!!!  Of course I am sure you know that now.

criz

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RE: Ex left with my daughter a year ago
« Reply #2 on: Aug 02, 2004, 12:21:09 PM »
I am currently looking for a family law attorney in the St. George, UT area.  If anyone has any recommendations, they would be appreciated.  I am probably moving to the southwest to be closer, however, it would be irresponsible to quit my current job right now.  Filing for a modification of child support will most likely have to be done, as I'm sure my job will pay less in Utah.  In fact, I doubt they even have any IT Administration jobs in the small town where she lives.  I'll probably have to find work in Vegas, 2hrs away.  

Bolivar OH

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RE: Ex left with my daughter a year ago
« Reply #3 on: Aug 02, 2004, 04:07:36 PM »
1) Learn the current laws.
2) Create a strategy.
3) Follow though.

That is the best anyone can do.  She is a women so she has the upper hand.  

"A child needs a father"!!!!   Keep coming back!!!

======================================
From a women poster @ DD

Author: Pat and Cindy

One thing that most of you nice guys forget is that once most women get divorced, for whatever reason, they consider you (guys) the enemy... It's just how most women think - and don't try to figure it out - you'll go crazy trying... :-)

Which basically means you're now the enemy and you need to think like you would if you were in a war, which basically means out-smart, out-think, and out-manuever (sp?) your opponent... it sucks, but if you put your child first in your thinking, nothing is impossible...

Good Luck! :-)


TGB

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RE: Ex left with my daughter a year ago
« Reply #4 on: Aug 03, 2004, 08:27:33 AM »
See

[a href=http://www.deltabravo.net/news/10-19-2000.htm" target="new]Tips for Getting Started[/a]

[a href=http://groups.yahoo.com/group/focusut/" target="new]Focus UT[/a]

I agree that Vegas is probably a better option for finding work. What I STRONGLY recommend is that you keep searching online and submitting your resume for jobs in that area and don't quit your existing job until you have a solid offer there. Check the UT and Las Vegas newspapers (see [a href=http://dir.yahoo.com/News_and_Media/Newspapers/By_Region/U_S__States/" target="new]Newspapers by State[/a]) for job listings and keep sending resumes. In your cover letter, explain that you want to relocate to be closer to family.


joni

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attorney
« Reply #5 on: Aug 03, 2004, 08:46:52 AM »

you need to find an atty who's certified in family law.  here's a link to a site to find one

http://www.aaml.org/

mango

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RE: Ex left with my daughter a year ago
« Reply #6 on: Aug 04, 2004, 08:20:38 AM »
I have read many parents on this site that have parenting plans that evolve as children get older.

Perhaps you can agree to a plan that evolves from daytime visits now, to when Chloe reaches age 4 or 5 you increase your parenting time and get solid weekends, and later extend to months during the summer etc. etc. (get it in writing and enter into the court)

Obviously the mother is a bit protective. Show her you are aware of her concerns, and understanding that she feels teh child is not ready for a sleepover, and open to working around it.

This can somewhat guarantee you an "in" later with your daughter.

If she refuses such a plan, then she is feeding you crap. I would then pursue the legal, costly route. But if you can avoid it, I would. It can get really ugly. Trust me, 7 years so far. Courts can create monsters.

mango

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RE: Ex left with my daughter a year ago
« Reply #7 on: Aug 04, 2004, 08:20:38 AM »
I have read many parents on this site that have parenting plans that evolve as children get older.

Perhaps you can agree to a plan that evolves from daytime visits now, to when Chloe reaches age 4 or 5 you increase your parenting time and get solid weekends, and later extend to months during the summer etc. etc. (get it in writing and enter into the court)

Obviously the mother is a bit protective. Show her you are aware of her concerns, and understanding that she feels teh child is not ready for a sleepover, and open to working around it.

This can somewhat guarantee you an "in" later with your daughter.

If she refuses such a plan, then she is feeding you crap. I would then pursue the legal, costly route. But if you can avoid it, I would. It can get really ugly. Trust me, 7 years so far. Courts can create monsters.

criz

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RE: Ex left with my daughter a year ago
« Reply #8 on: Aug 05, 2004, 06:16:39 AM »
The issue I see with this is, it doesn't solve the root of the problem.  She is a control freak.  Without a court ordered visitation/custody agreement, I have to follow her will when visiting.  It is painfully clear that she manipulates me with the child.  For instance, lately she has brought it to my attention that Chloe now says "Dad home" over and over.  Also, I simply requested a 1/2 day with my daughter, to go fishing and picnicing, with my parents, who will also be in the area on vacation.  She wants to dictate where we go, and has 3 times now tried to change our plans.  It has taken a lot of phone conversations for me to stay the track, and to tell her no, this is my time with Chloe, we are going to do what I think is best.  She even goes as far as telling me that her idea is much better, and Chloe will have more fun doing it.  Beyond that, she has attempted to tell me what I can and can't drink, soda is ok, beer is not, insinuating that I was going to get drunk with my parents when out for the day with my daughter!  She needs me to say, "Ok ex, I will do what you are requesting", even if its so insignificant as which gas station I fill up my rental car at.  
The crux of the matter is, I have been bending over backwards for this woman for our whole relationship.  From driving her car and stuff back home for her a year ago, to buying her whatever she wants for Chloe, beyond the usual child support.  To adjusting my normal schedule when i visit, to hers (staying up past midnight, and sleeping in to 10 am every morning).  Is that healthy for a 2 year old?  When we lived together I had to stay up that late with them, or be demonized, and then wake up at 7 am every morning for work, while she slept in.  

My point, the monster already exists.  What is best for Chloe?  A parenting plan with her father involved.  The ex has already backed out of our previous agreements, so I really have no other choice than court.  The things I request are not unusual.  A half day with my daughter?

criz

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RE: Ex left with my daughter a year ago
« Reply #9 on: Aug 05, 2004, 06:22:00 AM »
Thank you for the information.

Stepmom0418

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RE: Ex left with my daughter a year ago
« Reply #10 on: Aug 05, 2004, 07:25:57 AM »
I would have to agree with you that if she is that controlling that you should go to court and get it spelled out in detail as to when your parenting time is and ect. It is really hard to deal with a control freak and still maintain a good relationship with your child.

Go to court nut be prepared. Document everything. Also dont be shocked if once you start the court process if BM doesnt stop your visitation but no matter what keep trying. AND DOCUMENT everything!

This is JMO!

darkspectre

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RE: Ex left with my daughter a year ago
« Reply #11 on: Aug 05, 2004, 11:07:59 AM »
Mango must be a female because I cannot even fathom a father writing gibberish such as this.

Mango said: "Perhaps you can agree to a plan that evolves from daytime visits now, to when Chloe reaches age 4 or 5 you increase your parenting time and get solid weekends, and later extend to months during the summer etc. etc. (get it in writing and enter into the court)"

"Evolves?" Are you freakin' kidding me? Evolves from what? From some theoretical starting point that somehow spewed forth from the irrational imagination of a completely uncooperative female?

Mango said: "Obviously the mother is a bit protective. Show her you are aware of her concerns,"

F**k her concerns. Her uncooperativeness isn't a product of concern. It's nothing more than her acting like a b*tch simply because she can.

Mango said: "...understanding that she feels teh child is not ready for a sleepover,"

Not ready for a sleepover? The child is two years old. She may not be ready to drink a beer, or to get a driver's license, or have a boyfriend, but I'll be damned if she isn't ready to spend the night with her father. She used to live with him for crying out loud.

Mango said: "This can somewhat guarantee you an "in" later with your daughter."

The words "somewhat" and "guarantee" hardly belong in the same sentence - ya think? This statement isn't true at all.

Criz, do yourself a favor and completely disregard any advice suggesting you acquiesce to your girlfriend's controlling, bitchy disposition. This will NEVER lead to anything positive as she won't be happy until she has your last dime and your testicles in her hand.

In the absence of any court order you actually have two viable options. The first is to simply file for joint custody and let the chips fall where they may. For sure you'll get better visitation than what this b*tch is giving you - as if it's her right to dictate it in the first place.

Second, on your next visitation with her just take your daughter back home with you and file for primary custody immediately. In the absence of any custody order you have just as much right to have her live with you as with her mom. However, if you aren't listed on the birth certificate as her dad then go with option #1 or you may wind up in jail for kidnapping. It's probably a better option anyway.

Lastly, before you do anything go consult with an attorney and get educated so you know what you're getting yourself into. It's worth it for your daughter but it's painful - believe that!

Good luck

reagantrooper

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RE: Ex left with my daughter a year ago
« Reply #12 on: Aug 05, 2004, 11:42:25 AM »
I agree with Darkspectr

If you are on her BC and there is not a CO she is your daughter take her hame and let mom fight to see her.

Stepmom0418

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RE: Ex left with my daughter a year ago
« Reply #13 on: Aug 05, 2004, 12:20:44 PM »
Before you consider taking your daughter and keeping her make sure you check your state laws and see if you can do that legally. Some states automatically presume that an unmarried mother has custody! Check it out and then do what you feel is in your daughters best interest! Get an attorney and start the court process and the sooner the better.

JMO!

FleetingMoment

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RE: Ex left with my daughter a year ago
« Reply #14 on: Aug 31, 2004, 07:43:25 PM »
First, I want to say, and it's from my personal belief, a two year old child is way to young to have an extended visit between two states.

It is a good idea to go to court and get visitation issues out of the way. Not just for the moment, but for the future (if you're going to remain in NY), get a tepping stone visitation plan established that will allow for increased time with your daughter at certain age intervals.

If you can afford to take off long periods of time from work during her earlier years (half the summer), then pre-plan to go there. Search the area rentals and see if there's something close enough to her mother's house, and accessible to places and things you would like to share with your daughter.

I wouldn't jump the gun considering her to be a control freak, using the child, when the child is very young. It's definitely a maternal feeling. As far as all those late night hours when you were living together, uh yes, it is pretty normal, considering they don't have a really set schedule yet.
As long as the child sleeps while she sleeps.

Utah and lower wages than from NY's? Definitely, but you may find the cost of living to be 3-4's lower than NY, so having a lower income may work out just fine.  The only problem I see there, is your current child support is based on your NY income.  Don't know or see how that can be lowered. But maybe.  Use a salary/moving calculator for a basic idea. Homefair.com has a great one.

 

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