My ex did something with no discussion!!!

[retro80zkids]

My ex wife and I have 50/50 legal and physical custody.  Last week I went to my old residence (i moved) to check the mail and in there were two notices from my insurance stating that referrals for our two kids were approved for them to see a mental health professional!  (they are 5 and 7)  I was stunned and thought it must have been a mistake.  Monday night my kids told me that they went to talk to someone "about their lives"  I immediately knew what that ment.  I called the name on the form the next day and found out that my ex wife had ALREADY started visits for them saying they were having "problems with our divorce"  (its been 2 years)  Not once did she mention that there were problems or issues with the kids.  Not one single discussion about it!  I talked to the doctor and she told me that the kids were wonderful and that she only thought they had issues with "not wanting to hurt peoples feelings"  She kind of made me think she knew she was being used but Ill be more sure tomorrow when I see her in person!  I sent my ex wife a certified letter telling her how shocked I was about all this, that we had joint legal custody and we needed to discuss these things before she started sessions.  Basically, I am asking if I did the right thing.  What does everyone else suggest I do????  Can I stop these visits if I want??? Please help me figure this out!

[Peanutsdad]

Should she have consulted you first? Certainly.

Can you stop the visits? hehehe,, more than likely not unless you want to spend a significant amount of cash in court again.


Now,, is the issue that you are so torqued about the sessions? or that she didnt consult you? Look at it this way,, if the doc doesnt see anything to really be concerned about with the kids,, then perhaps it is MOM that is having trouble with the divorce ;)


Or do you think there are more sinister designs on the horizon?

[retro80zkids]

I am not sure why she is doing this!  I think she was hoping my girls would say bad things about me and it didnt happen according to the doctor.  No, i dont want to go to court.  Really all I want is for us both to enjoy the girls and not have this problem but obviously SHE has problems.  I think she is jealous that my life isnt miserable.  But how do you handle this?  How do you deal with these issues of someone not discussing issues or problems?  (this isnt the first thing she didnt or refuses to talk to me about!)

[Peanutsdad]

Just a bit of advise,,, pick your battles.


So long as the kids are happy,, and you are happy,, let her sit and stew on old gnawed bones of bitterness.



As far as dealing with it,,,,,simply shoot a letter off each time return reciept requested, detailing the relevant paragraghs of the court order and your disappointment that she is not following the court order. That if this behavior should continue, you will have no option but to file for a motion of contempt.

[harlequin]

"Give a mouse a cookie, and it'll ask for a glass of milk."

If 50/50 decison making is specified in your MSA, then this is clearly contempt.  I think the above advice is sound.  

[retro80zkids]

Ok so my finace and I go to talk to the counseler this morning.  Apprently my ex wife told her that the girls were crying at her house and acting skittish.  Ah ok!  I sweared up and down that they didnt do this at our house.  I did get upset because it has been months and months of different attention grabbing moments with this women (my ex).  I am sure that didnt help me!  I couldnt help it.  It sounds as if my ex was trying to claim abuse and basically that is a crock of bull.  The counseler asked to schedule an appointment with all the adults.  Me, my fiance, my ex wife and her husband.  Do you think this is a good sign or bad sign??

[Peanutsdad]

It sounds like the therapist wants to get to the bottom of the issues.


My daughter acts up at her mothers also,, but her mother essentailly SCREAMS emotional stress just in her normal everyday life. To just be around her, is exhausting.

That may be whats goin on with your girls,, perhaps the therapist will see that.

[smtotwo]

have sessions with myself(stepmom) DH the ex and her hubby!!  THen we'd see who really has issues with the divorce!!

Or Dr. Phil would be good!!  

If we had this chance we'd take it and run with it!! And ask that it be admissable in court.

If you and Fiance are stable and mom is claiming problems then maybe these joint sessions would show that.

We had friends who were ordered into joint sessions and mommy dearest lost custody the day after the first session because mommys new hubby PUNCHED dad IN THE SESSION!!  Can you say moron!!

[nosonew]

Just a suggestion...btdt

Go to every meeting the counselor has with the girls.  Get there BEFORE the appt. time.  You obviously have joint custody, so the counselor cannot refuse to give you info regarding appt.s  YOU HAVE TO ASK.  Anyway, I think the counselor is trying to "nip this in the bud" by pulling everyone in together.  Do yourself a favor, keep your emotions in tact.  No blaming, no threats and no instigating.  As hard as it may be, make comments like... "I don't understand why you didn't discuss issues regarding the children first?"  and "What was the purpose of taking the kids without my knowledge?"  and "I love my girls and have NEVER hurt them...if you have issues, please let me know.."  Explain that you want to work as a team...

If you badmouth the mother, your ass is grass.  DON'T DO IT.  

The counselors info is available for subpoena if needed.

[retro80zkids]

Well, too late!  Unfortunatly, I was upset and when my fiance and I went to see the counseler, I vented - BIG TIME!  The kids werent there, my ex wasnt there but I vented big time!  I told her everything my ex does that makes me upset!  Is that bad or will this women realize how upset I am???  She already told me she didnt want her records used in a custody battle!  I would love it if someone would just see through my ex's crap already.  How do i handle this from here?

[msme]

You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

[mango]

I think she has seen it before. I wouldn't worry about it too much.

Go back for another session, if there is one, and show that you are willing to work towards being cooperative, and understanding etc etc.

I think a counselor is great for everyone. It might be a good mediator for the kids and all.

Wish we had the ability to get our SD in a counselor.

[wendl]

Well at your next session, you could apologize for your prior behavior, and how this had caught you off guard as mom had never discussed this with you.

Just a suggestion. I would try to attend ALL appointments your children have (even if you can't go into the room, they will know you are there).

:)

[retro80zkids]

Unreal! So the kids had another appoinment today with the therapist. So I call 1/2 hour before the appointment to confirm the time and guess what, mom cancelled and didnt reschedule. (btw, mom still hasnt mentioned a word to me about the therapist no matter how many times I have written a letter asking for her to discuss it)

So my finace and I go to see the doctor anyway. The dr says she believes us and says that while she cant disclose what my oldest told her, she suggests that we asks her why she is skittish at moms. the dr assured me it wasnt anything dangerous or abuse wise and that it was something that happened at moms that my oldest doesnt want a repeat of. Ok, so now I wait until monday to talk to my kids. (mom doesnt allow me phone contact on weekends.)

Ill keep you posted!

[nosonew]

If you have already been told she doesn't want this info to go any further...go get another one!  Preferablly ask your attorney to have the judge ASSIGN a case manager, someone who CAN and WILL WILLINGLY report back to the court all the info found in meetings....

[nosonew]

I would just tell her...sorry, but I am joint custodial parent and I WANT THAT INFO>>>>> PERIOD.!!! She has to give it to you! Have your atty subpoena it if needed!