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Author Topic: I can't believe I'm admitting this but...  (Read 36042 times)

Bolivar

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Bigsigh2004 = FleetingMoment?
« Reply #120 on: Sep 29, 2004, 12:16:43 PM »


Check out FleetingMoment posting style and bigsigh2004.  Look familiar?


joni

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RE: Bigsigh2004 is a fake.
« Reply #121 on: Sep 29, 2004, 01:06:24 PM »

I agree with you...the father got what he wanted, bit off more than he could chew, is a total clueless, blubbering idiot about raising his own kid.

I was especially suspicious of the way they painted the picture of the 2nd wife too....not caring about her stepchild....purposely leaving out the stepchild to make her cry and feel bad....choosing her daugher over her husband and his family.

sweetnsad

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RE: Bigsigh2004 is a fake.
« Reply #122 on: Sep 29, 2004, 03:14:44 PM »
I think, once again, we've all been bitten by that nasty troll.....:(

bigsigh2004

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RE: Bigsigh2004 = FleetingMoment?
« Reply #123 on: Sep 29, 2004, 03:38:23 PM »
Boivar, do me a huge favor, go to Waylon or Brent and ask them to compare IP addresses of fleetingmoment and myself. Tell him I gave you full right and permission. NOT only am I NOT that poster, but I have a feeling I'm not even in the same geographical REGION.

As far as a profile is concerned, pardon the ever loving crap out of me for not putting one up. I wasn't planning on turning my time here into a lifelong event. Just as I had been here before to get advice on what to do when my ex was in dire straights and my daughter was suffering, I came I asked I left. Just as I plan on doing shortly from here. I also didin't see anywhere saying a profile was mandatory. My e-mail is available, I've gotten several from HELPFUL people.

For the love of christmas, you people rally around the dad's who want custody and fight tooth and nail, but what about the ones who find parenting a struggle? Exactly how does it make sense to put me down when all I'm doing is caring about what is best for my daughter, regardless of how it makes ME look. Although I will defend rediculous accusations made by some here.

Just because I'm going against the grain and wanting to place my child back with mom I'm some sort of fraud? I'm not looking to walk away from my kid for god's sake. When I took custody, it was in her best interest, now, it is in her best interest to change things. Sometimes, life hands you curveballs. I'm busier than I have ever been, my daughter doesn't get the time from me she would like to have or I'd like to give and there really isn't a way around that considering I support three households, mine, I help my ex and I also have my in-laws who are not healthy living close by who need help and care. Not that has any real relevance.

Bolivar, ever hear of first right of refusal? Quite frankly, most parents feel that if the child can't be with one parent, they should be with the other. By what I'm doing, THAT is what happens in this situation. My wife, becomes backup, not a full time parent to my daughter. The way it should be. The way the people who actually take the time to be realistic about my situation, and talk to me, instead of this bullsh*t come to find. In fact, it was someone who e-mailed me who compared it to FROR.

I agree with the lot of you that fleetingmoment is a bit of an irritant to the site. But my situation, is a real thing. I came here looking for advice. I asked a legitimate question. It deserves the same respect as any other question asked here. I didn't ask IF I should place her back with mom. That decision has already been made. I asked how it would be best. How you can't give me advice based on what would happen if say, you, won custody of your child and there was to be a transition, how you would go about it is something I don't quite get.

I got my daughter in an emergency motion, she was plopped on me and she didn't take it well. I'm NOT going to do the same thing to her this time. How that is so wrong I don't understand.


bigsigh2004

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somewhere in this mess of responses...
« Reply #124 on: Sep 29, 2004, 04:09:37 PM »
I corrected myself.

In my haste to get the post up, I was trying to put into words what my daughter was doing (the crying) and used a very bad example by stating about my wife. But it was something that had just happened recently and was the forefront example in my mind.

For three months after I got custody, my wife ended up doing more and more, and me doing less and less when it came to my daughter. My ex was fine with me not being around much, my new wife, expected more of me as a parent if I was to be one full time.

As I stated somewhere in here, my wife chose to give me a well deserved "wake up call" and forced me to see what being a parent really entails. Forced me to see it was not right of me to just expect her to do everything without consultation.  I never once said she didn't care about my daughter. There is a difference between refusing to take on the responsibilities I should be, and not caring. Her not taking my daughter out with her while I was home was not a life threatening or forever scarring thing for my daughter, but it did help me come to understand that I don't understand the needs my daughter has, or do I have the skill to figure it out. In the three months my wife has been pretty much hands off, my daughter has been worse, not better. That doesn't exactly say a whole hell of a lot of good about my parenting style.

Do I like admitting that? no. But isn't it best for my daughter that I do?
Wouldn't some of the father's on here love for their ex's to have a light bulb turn on and say hey, I'm doing very well at this, here you be the full time parent?

I'm doing with my new wife the things I never did in my first marriage. communicating, counseling, trying to be understanding of everyone's needs. With this comes a better understanding of myself, and what I'm capable of. It also takes that male chip off my shoulder for a while and helps me to admit when there are things I CAN'T do. I'm not going to "Tim 'the toolman' Taylor" my way through being a parent.

Do you have any idea how frustrating it is that I can design some of the most complex office structures, but can't comprehend why a 6 year old wants to color a pig purple and not stay in the lines? Now who do you think that frustration ends up landing on? My daughter, that's who. Should she see me get mad at the footie pajamas with the snaps at the stomach that I never get right the first time? Or when she blobs a bunch of toothpaste on the floor? And what, tell me what, posseses a child to NEED 9 million stuffed animals on her bed just to sleep? I've put that kid to tears at bed time more times than I want to count.

I want to go back to being the parent she ran smiling to at the door when I walked in. I want her to associate with me authority, but also in a good way. How it used to be. I was a better dad to her that way. Why is that so wrong to admit to? Why am I a fake just because of what I'm looking to do?

Should I have mde my post gender neutral? I am the CP and I want to give the child back to the NCP. Would that have helped?

All I want, is to go about what is best for my daughter, in the best way possible. I did what was best for her at the time I got her, and now I want to do the best I can for her now that her mother is back on her two feet. It's called best interest of the child.

There is no need to try to turn me into the patron saint of anti-father's rights. I'm not giving up my parental rights, by any means, just shifting the weight of parenting to a level I and my daughter are the most comfortable with. I'm pretty convinced after 7 months, and her only getting worse - at this point it isn't going to get better. It should have by now. Time to try something else.


Bolivar

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perhaps a offensive response – be prepared.
« Reply #125 on: Sep 29, 2004, 05:09:05 PM »
 1. It’s easy to have multiple IP addresses.  Its done all the time.
 2. You are new, but claim to be old.  Tell me what was your old alias?
 3. Your posts are a mile long, like FleetingMoment
 4. If you do have money, why not hire a professional to help you with this decision.  Why ask a bunch of strangers you do NOT know, and then criticize those who disagree with you.  We are a bunch of KOOKS ya know!!:-)

Thinking about my last statement maybe you’re the KOOK.  You are getting advice for the most important area of you life from a bunch of posters, acting like we are some kind of qualified expert.

I did not read through the whole string, but I think I remember you mentioned you are a business owner.  I to am a business owner.  As a business owner you would naturally know that when making a big decision to gather info BUT seek counsel from a specialist.

After this board did you go to your local bar and gather info on how to handle your situation?  Believing there advice was that of an authority.

I too ask questions to get different ideas.  BUT, I would never act on a critical part of my life such as my child, solely based on the answers at a board (or bar).  

Take a parenting class.  I think the question you should ask is – “why am I so emotionally week that I can’t raise my child?”  God forbid the mother dies.  

Good Luck and God Bless!!!

StPaulieGirl

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RE: somewhere in this mess of responses...
« Reply #126 on: Sep 30, 2004, 06:58:56 AM »
Parenting is not easy whether you're a man or a woman.  Wait until she starts school.  It gets worse.  May I suggest that you and your child's mother start looking for a good private school?

The way I see it is that the child's mother holds the key to this situation.  I mentioned getting another attorney in an earlier reply, and you might want to start looking.  Your ex wife needs to be approached in a way that will not make her feel threatened.  I'm sure there is still a high level of animosity, and that needs to be defused before any kind of coparenting can occur.

Yeah, you've gotten some hostile replies, but don't let it bother you.  I've gotten my fair share of hostility over the years(some of which I deserved), but I'd rather be here getting straight advice, than on message boards full of nasty, bitter women.  

I don't know if you go to church or anything, but prayer works.  This problem cannot be solved overnight, so definitely pray for patience ;-)


bigsigh2004

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no, I don't find it offensive
« Reply #127 on: Sep 30, 2004, 09:26:07 AM »
what I find offensive is when people assume and don't ask questions.

With that, I'd like to point out an assumption on your part. Where do you get the idea that I'm basing what I do SOLELY on what I hear here? When did I ever indicate that? Or did I ever call this place an "authority"? It's just a source/resource.

There are people I'm not paying behind the screen names on this board, am I going to defend myself and get pissed off when they would rather waste my time hurling insults and not giving input based on questions?  (much like now, where I have to defend the integrity of my post just because you want to turn me into someone else)

People here have switched custody, people here have written up agreements, people here have had kids who were unhappy. I was hoping to come here to find people that would give input based on just the NEED I was requesting, and not get into a moral debate as to if it is right or not. That isn't for anyone else to decide. None of you are in the situation I'm in. None of you are around MY child, or live MY life. To presume that I'd be abandoning her or otherwise, is entirely wrong to assume.

I'm not a bad father or "emotionally weak" just because I find myself more comfortable with the weekend/once during the week scenario. My time with my child was of better quality then. Is that NOT what is important? I'd still be "raising" my child. I'll still be a very large influence in her life. I always have been. By what you are saying, any father that does not have custody of their child, isn't "raising" or influencing their child's development then?

Bolivar, have you ever taken a parenting class yourself? Do you have any idea what a bunch of hogwash they are except for the ones about newborns? There isn't a generic class anywhere that can fully help you deal with an unhappy toddler. A child psychologist MAYBE can help, but you know what, so can her mom.

I don't think in terms that irrational. "what if the mother dies". If something like that happens, it will be dealt with accordingly. But as long as mom is on the planet, and doing just fine, there is no reason she shouldn't be the CP if I'm not doing that well at it.

ok to answer your questions:

1) well, it wasn't a question, but I really don't have the time to be that devious, I own two computers, one here at my office and one at home that my SD is glued to. So I have two IP addresses. I'm not a computer geek. I build buildings.

2) If I remembered it, don't you think I would have used it? It had my initials and some numbers that were on the bottom of a desk calendar from that year. I was posting here maybe a week, week and a half. I have more important things to remember.

3) So that is all you are going on? The fact I'm long winded? Tell me you are kidding. If it weren't for the rediculous accusations, if people just got down to the nitty gritty of advice based on the questions only, I wouldn't have had to have gotten long winded. I sure as hell didn't start out that way. I now come to realize my first post probably should have been two miles long.

Sidenote - you know the first time I came here, my post was very short. Something along the lines of "my ex is in the hospital for her depression. My daughter is is the care of her neighbor. What the heck is an emergency order of custody" I didn't get accused of anything, I didn't get railroaded, I didn't get questioned as to if I was serious or not, I was just given out and out advice and helpful information that coincided with what my lawyer said. I was also directed to ask questions to socrateaser. I pretty much expected to get the same thing this time. Wrong expectation I now see.

Apparently since I was taking the child from mom, I was worth helping, the fact I feel mom is back on her feet and deserves to play full time role now once again, I'm sh*t on toast.

4) I have answered this already sortof. A) I got good advice last time that coincided with the people I was paying. b) I'm not criticizing the advice I've been given here. I've appreciated every bit of it. No one here has the right to disagree with my choice of placing my daughter back with her mother since they don't know the situation. No one has the right to call me names based on my choice, or treat me like I'm a bad father or abandoning my child. It isn't like anyone went into great detail on how to write something up and I called them a moron.

Bolivar, since you also are a business man, maybe looking at my situation from that perspective would help.

Say you had an excellent employee who started abusing alcohol due to stresses in his/her life, and with that the person's job performance declined.  Let's say your company is large enough to fall under the category where you MUST send your employee for help prior to being able to fire them for poor performance. Say the treatment center they went to worked wonders and they were back to being the excellent employee again. While that employee was away, you did your best to cover both jobs, but both jobs suffered as a result and the product you were manufacturing had noticable flaws due to lack of attention to detail.

Now, upon the return of this employee, even after proving they were back to being the start employee you had orginally hired, would you still fire them anyway? Or would you draw up some sort of agreement allowing them to continue their job in the same capacity as before, provided that from now on, certain requirements were met? With the undestading if they aren't met, it means certain termination?

Putting it that way, and then looking at the advice I was originally asking for, does my thought process make any better sense to you?








demi

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RE: I can't believe I'm admitting this but...
« Reply #128 on: Oct 01, 2004, 09:14:34 AM »
I have read your post and through most of the replies. I noticed the pattern in which you defend your wife's actions and make excuses for you and your daughter.

Did it EVER occur to you that the reason your daughter is "crying" and looking for the attention is because; She once had it from your wife and now it's gone? That little girl is probably feeling hated by your wife, excluded now from activities, that once was there. Regardless of the "reality" check your wife has given you now, it HAS affected your daughter. I believe your wife is using as many excuses as she can muster to YOU so you get that CHILD out of HER life and yours, out of that HOUSE for the sake of her own selfishness. Based on what you've said, I feel you have fallen right into your wife's trap.

It's between the lines; You love your wife more than your own child. You will not do 50-50 placement because you say your daughter is not a tennis ball. Yet, you're willing to do every other weekend. This only proves to me that you DON'T want the responsibility. Whether your ex is alive or not, you're obligation is to take the responsibility for your child regardless. Hey, I'm alive! Give her to me! I'll be more than open hearted to giving your daughter what you WON'T. To bad your so-called wife won't either, not even out of the respect and love she claims she has for you.

You wanted some ideas and suggestions;

1. Get rid of the wife. (You must be tired of taking on the responsibilities of supporting HER child through housing, food, phone, etc...)

2. Hire a nanny. (A good loving woman who will give your daughter what she is not getting from you or your wife. Then when YOU think you have the time to spend with your daughter, give the Nanny the day off)

3. Hire one or two extra workers to relieve some of your work load so you can spend time with your daughter. (You must be able to afford that seeing as you DON'T pay child support, you can afford a home with all the luxuries. Maybe YOU need to down size in that area for the sake of your child)  

Do you not understand? We are all here fighting, crying, spending money, losing sleep and heartbroken to have the very opportunity YOU want to get rid of. You are a disgrace to my gender, not to mention the oxymoron statements that pour out of your mouth.  

You need a reality check! Your attorney DID NOT do anything YOU didn't want HIM to do, so stop playing the victim. This is what you wanted, what you paid for and what you have. If your wife refuses to stand by your side in the raising of your child, I can tell you there are a lot of women out there that would love you and your daughter enough to step up to the plate - without conditions!  

MYSONSDAD

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I AGREE, NICELY SAID...
« Reply #129 on: Oct 01, 2004, 09:20:48 AM »

"Children learn what they live"

 

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