Has Anyone Ever Just Gave The Ex What They Wanted.....?

[sleepinghart]

.....As in child custody, I mean? Some background first-- My ex-husband was/is extremely verbally abusive(he has also been physically abusive when I was married to him), violent & unpredictable. We have a 10 year old daughter together. For years he has talked bad about me to our daughter, called me degrading names in front of her, etc. He also buys her tons of gifts(every time she visits there are more new gifts), takes her on several fun outings every visit, etc. My problem w/ this is, she doesn't have to earn them. When she asks me for something, I tell her- "do your chores, watch your behavior and we'll see by the end of the week if you've earned it".  She never does b/c her attitude is- "Oh, well, Daddy will buy it for me this weekend when I see him anyway; and I won't even have to do nothin' for it". Therefore, she has no motivation to do well. It's also a problem b/c now, she associates 'love' w/ money/gifts; and thinks that I don't care for her as much as her Dad b/c I refuse to buy her. She has an extremely selfish, manipulative attitude(any tips on how I can help to change this will be greatly appreciated too).

  Anyway, my ex has some new tricks up his sleeve. He calls the police & DFACS to make false complaints/accusations about me; so that he can harass me through them & in order to try and gain grounds for full custody. Right now we have joint custody, w/ me being primary custodian & the decision maker if we can't reach agreements regarding things like school, religion, etc. My daughter is participating in falsely accusing me too(yes; she wants to live w/ her Dad & be 'free'). Her accusations are the same things that I've heard come out of her daddy's mouth. When I first started noticing her bad attitude towards me getting to be severly worse, I had a talk w/ her. She told me she hated me & I asked her why; she said b/c  I can't cook as good as her grandmother(her dad's mom)and b/c I used to have fresh flowers as a centerpiece on our dining room table & now I don't & b/c I used the same old tablecloth & she wanted me to change it every month(I thought, "what"?) Now, the accusations are serious. When he phones the police & DFACS, it is their job to come out & all his claims have been noted as false & when we explain about the custody thing after they have seen the children are not in danger, they will say- "Happens all the time".  My daughter is constantly lying all the time now; even about little things that don't even matter.

Of course, there is a lot more to this; but to keep from forcing you to read a novel, I've tried to just touch on the basics. After all this time, I now understand that my ex is just using our daughter as a tool to get to me & hurt me(I may be wrong, but that's certainly what it looks like). What do you think about me letting her live w/ her father for awhile? Has anyone here ever been in a similar situation and done this? I have a 3 year old that this is effecting too. Even when she is w/ him, on his time, he will call me to ask if I will do things that need to be done b/c it falls on his time, like make her appointments & take her to them, make phone calls & such as that. So, when anything at all goes wrong, he blames me; in fact he blames me for everything(and I do mean everything). So, if he has her for awhile, him & only him,  do you think he'll still call me to blame me & call me names? I would be worried all the time about our daughter though if she goes there. See, my ex's mother & sister(plus, other family members)mainly keep her when shes w/ him anyway; but his mother recently died & his sister is in chemotherapy currently. My ex lives w/ his father; but he has an old run-down trailer(holes in the floor, no running water, etc.)that is just a skip, hop & step away from his father's house, where he goes to sell drugs & when he wants to 'have a good time' if you will.

He wants full custody, so.....if I give it to him, how will he react? Will he be happy? More importantly--- Will my absence make him a better father to her? One thing, she won't have to hear him arguing/cursing me all the time; it seems that merely my presence sets him off, or just the mention of my name(like at pick-up time or on the phone w/ daughter). A few people have advised me that letting her go stay w/ him for awhile at least, giving them both what they want, might be the best thing to do. I agree something has to give; but I feel like at the same time I am putting her into danger & couldn't live w/ myself. Anything you can tell me--- tips, advice, experience, etc. will be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance!

[ksmarks]

As you have another child, I am guessing that you and your daughters dad have not been together for a while. So do you have custody and what are the visiting arrangements?

First I would seek counseling and support from a local group that supports people that have been the victims of domestic violence.  They usually have trained staff that is familiar with the court system and the child welfare system as well.  You need to be able to talk with someone and develop a plan.

[ocean]

I agree with the counseling. Your daughter will be able to hear from the therapist that you are a good mom and that children should not be disrespectful and that gifts dont equal love.

You two need to work on your relationship.  The therapist can help separate her two houses and different rules and ideas in her head. Therapist can help you make  a plan with your daughter for house behavior with rules with positive and negative consequences. Maybe not with gifts but with time with you to do something fun even if it is baking cookies or going to the park alone.

Then once you are in counseling a while you can see where it is going and see what she really wants and needs. If she needs more time with dad. you can offer extra weekends or time in the summer. I wouldnt just rush to switch custody. Right now you have control to make a therapy appointment and try to fix some of the damage.

You can ignore you ex at all costs. At drops off, have her leave from the car in the street. Pick ups , same thing. Ignore phone calls, let it go to voicemail. Stick to email so she doesnt hear any fighting. Then she will have to deal with him at his house only. The therapist will help her with some skills to cope plus the therapist can ask dad to come to therapy to discuss him putting her in the middle.

You and see a few therapists yourself first until you find one you like. We went through a few before we found one that seems to know what we wanted to happen. Tell the the situation, ask how they would handle things and get a feel.
Good luck!

[sleepinghart]

As you have another child, I am guessing that you and your daughters dad have not been together for a while. So do you have custody and what are the visiting arrangements?

First I would seek counseling and support from a local group that supports people that have been the victims of domestic violence.  They usually have trained staff that is familiar with the court system and the child welfare system as well.  You need to be able to talk with someone and develop a plan.

We have joint custody, but I have final say in matters like schooling & such if we can't agree. DD is supposed to be w/ me one week & her Dad the next week & so on, but while she is in school he just lets her stay w/ me through the week & gets her on weekends. I've talked to my local program that helps victims of domestic violence; all they say is take him to court, but we have already been drained financially & can't go back again.

[snowrose]

You were wondering if your ex would stop badmouthing you if he had full custody of your daughter for a while.  My guess is, no.  Most people who use Parental Alienation (PAS) have personality disorders and so it is normal for them to badmouth the opposing parent.  And since your daughter would only have her father's continuous input on this she would probably turn even more strongly toward his way of thinking.

I agree with what the others said about therapy.  I would also suggest that you get a copy of the book Divorce Poison by Warshak.  It's an excellent book on how to combat different kinds of PAS.

Good luck!

[4honor]

I was a child of a hostile agressive (HA) parent. It was my mother, but the sex of the agressor is not important. One parent made it impossible for me to cultivate and maintain my relationship with my other parent. My HA parent sent me through loyalty tests almost every day. I was subject to physical and emotional abuse whenever I did not pass the test - but I was never told the rules beyond the fact that I was required to prove to my HA parent that I loved them more than the other parent.

It messed with my mind. It destroyed my own self worth - I never felt loved for myself, just for the assurance I could offer my HA parent (deserved or not). I also lived my life believing my targeted parent either could not - or would not - rescue me. I felt my target parent did not care enough to overcome all obstacles to free me from the mental torture, so I threw my target parent under the bus in order to survive.

I was 16. Your daughter is, what? 10? she does not have the skills to do anything other than go along. She is in survival mode. If you will not fight for her, then she will fight on her own. It is not about what IS, but about what she PERCEIVES to be. Remember that. Always remember that.

Lastly, don't make every gift about "earned." Gifts are gifts, they are not earned. You give gifts because you love the recipient, not because they earned it. Earn = reward or wage, not gift. She asks for a gift and you answer with , "sure, I will pay you a wage." I am not saying to give her everything she wants, but you need to make your answer Yes or no" not "we'll see." She needs as much structure as you can give. Set the rules and demand she meet them. When she balks remind her that each place has its own rules (e.g., school, church, grandma's, Dad's, Mom's.) It is normal that different places have different rules.

While her HA parent is teaching her that love can be bought, you are teaching her that love can be EARNED. You need to parent her in a manner that basically ignores the parenting your ex is doing. In other words, draw your line in the sand and refuse to be pushed over that line. Let her find you no farther away emtionally than when she last saw you. Your daughter needs you to be as stable and dependable as you possibly can be. But never forget to show your love.