Time is slowly running out, I need advice ASAP on obtaining custody of my unborn...

[JD_412]

I'm new to this, so hopefully I am doing this right. I am a 24year old Soon to be father.  I am excited about being a father, but I am very very worried as well.  I have been in a relationship with the soon to be mother of the child for a little over a year.  It has been the worst year of my life.  Three months into our relationship she tried to slit her wrists with a fishing knife while we were in her car.  When I tried to stop her she sliced open my right index finger severing two tendons and an artery and slicing open two of my other fingers.  I now have limited mobility in my index finger.  The reason for her trying to kill herself was because I was breaking up with her.  I started noticing disturbing controlling behavior prior to this incident.  She would drive past my house to make sure I wasn't with any other women,  she would call my phone a ton of times if I didn't pick up, and she demanded my attention 24/7, and that's not even the worst of it.  I decided to stick around because clearly this woman needed help, and I thought that I could be a positive influence in her life.....all this got me was assaulted 4 times, black eyes, busted lips, deep lascerations from her nails, and her being on file at three different police stations.  When I tried to press charges I was told that I couldn't because there were no witnesses and it was my word against hers even though I had the bruises and marks, and she had not a scratch on her.  To make a long story short I have been put through hell by this woman and now I fear for the safety of my unborn son.  I don't want her to have any influence on our son and I fear she will try everything in her power to try and take my son away from me when he is born if I don't stay with her.  This is an unhealthy relationship for me and it will definitely be an unhealthy relationship for my son.  I would like to try and win custody of my son, but I need to know what I should and shouldn't to.  I fear for my safety and my son's.  He is expected to be born on June 15th.  If anyone can help it will be extremely appreciated.  Thank you very much.

[Jade]

>I'm new to this, so hopefully I am doing this right. I am a
>24year old Soon to be father.  I am excited about being a
>father, but I am very very worried as well.  I have been in a
>relationship with the soon to be mother of the child for a
>little over a year.  It has been the worst year of my life.
>Three months into our relationship she tried to slit her
>wrists with a fishing knife while we were in her car.  When I
>tried to stop her she sliced open my right index finger
>severing two tendons and an artery and slicing open two of my
>other fingers.  I now have limited mobility in my index
>finger.  The reason for her trying to kill herself was because
>I was breaking up with her.  I started noticing disturbing
>controlling behavior prior to this incident.  She would drive
>past my house to make sure I wasn't with any other women,  she
>would call my phone a ton of times if I didn't pick up, and
>she demanded my attention 24/7, and that's not even the worst
>of it.  I decided to stick around because clearly this woman
>needed help, and I thought that I could be a positive
>influence in her life.....all this got me was assaulted 4
>times, black eyes, busted lips, deep lascerations from her
>nails, and her being on file at three different police
>stations.  When I tried to press charges I was told that I
>couldn't because there were no witnesses and it was my word
>against hers even though I had the bruises and marks, and she
>had not a scratch on her.  To make a long story short I have
>been put through hell by this woman and now I fear for the
>safety of my unborn son.  I don't want her to have any
>influence on our son and I fear she will try everything in her
>power to try and take my son away from me when he is born if I
>don't stay with her.  This is an unhealthy relationship for me
>and it will definitely be an unhealthy relationship for my
>son.  I would like to try and win custody of my son, but I
>need to know what I should and shouldn't to.  I fear for my
>safety and my son's.  He is expected to be born on June 15th.
>If anyone can help it will be extremely appreciated.  Thank
>you very much.

The first thing that you will need to do is establish paternity.  

[JD_412]

>>I'm new to this, so hopefully I am doing this right. I am a
>>24year old Soon to be father.  I am excited about being a
>>father, but I am very very worried as well.  I have been in
>a
>>relationship with the soon to be mother of the child for a
>>little over a year.  It has been the worst year of my life.
>>Three months into our relationship she tried to slit her
>>wrists with a fishing knife while we were in her car.  When
>I
>>tried to stop her she sliced open my right index finger
>>severing two tendons and an artery and slicing open two of
>my
>>other fingers.  I now have limited mobility in my index
>>finger.  The reason for her trying to kill herself was
>because
>>I was breaking up with her.  I started noticing disturbing
>>controlling behavior prior to this incident.  She would
>drive
>>past my house to make sure I wasn't with any other women,
>she
>>would call my phone a ton of times if I didn't pick up, and
>>she demanded my attention 24/7, and that's not even the
>worst
>>of it.  I decided to stick around because clearly this woman
>>needed help, and I thought that I could be a positive
>>influence in her life.....all this got me was assaulted 4
>>times, black eyes, busted lips, deep lascerations from her
>>nails, and her being on file at three different police
>>stations.  When I tried to press charges I was told that I
>>couldn't because there were no witnesses and it was my word
>>against hers even though I had the bruises and marks, and
>she
>>had not a scratch on her.  To make a long story short I have
>>been put through hell by this woman and now I fear for the
>>safety of my unborn son.  I don't want her to have any
>>influence on our son and I fear she will try everything in
>her
>>power to try and take my son away from me when he is born if
>I
>>don't stay with her.  This is an unhealthy relationship for
>me
>>and it will definitely be an unhealthy relationship for my
>>son.  I would like to try and win custody of my son, but I
>>need to know what I should and shouldn't to.  I fear for my
>>safety and my son's.  He is expected to be born on June 15th.
>
>>If anyone can help it will be extremely appreciated.  Thank
>>you very much.
>
>The first thing that you will need to do is establish
>paternity.  
>
Thank you for the heads up Jade

[williaer]

I would be careful about how you do that. I think in some states if you sign a paretnity affidavit you are also giving mom sole custody until you go to court and get it established otherwise.

You may want to get an order for a paternity test while the baby is still in the hospital- if possible and if you can get it rushed- then you could file for exparte hearing on cusotdy- based on her history....

I don't know- ramblings- tough situation.

[Ref]

From much experience. The first thing to do is to get an attorney. Get as many free consultations as possible and find yourself a very good Family Law attorney, preferably one that deals with Father's Rights. Don't let BM know that you are doing this.

This is the most important part. DO NOT SKIMP!!! This is the time to lay out every cent that you have on a good lawyer. DH skimped and now BM and SD live 1400 miles away and he has had to go to their state for court and spend thousands a year in visitation cost!!! He simply said he couldn't afford it. PLEASE don't let this happen to you. He atleast had presumed paternaty because they were married. You have a harder battle.

You also should not take the word of your lawyer on its own. Do your own homework and go into this as educated in the law as possible. This page is great for education. Ask the boards tons of questions. There are tons of us dealing with these issues for over a decade. I know it seems silly to hire an expensive lawyer and not trust him. Trust me, it is better to have some of your own knowledge (lawyers and their paralegals do make mistakes).

On the other side, keep your nose clean (no partying), take a parenting class at the local hospital, have a nice place for you baby to live. Have a job with some fledxibility.

Is there any Hospital record of her attempted suicide and assault? Any police report? These would be very relevant.

Ref

[JD_412]

Thanks for everyone's advice so far.  I feel like I'm about to walk into a gunfight with empty clips.....but I do have some back up ammo I hope.....There is a hospital record and a police report on her attempted suicide and assault.  The incident was so gruesome because of all the blood I lost that an officer who came to see me in the hospital said that he could see a trail of blood all the way down the road we travelled on....sorry to be so graphic.  There should also be a police report on an incident that happened when she showed up at my house drunk and caused a huge scene, this is also one of the four times that I was assaulted.  Also, I have a very steady well-paying job, where as she can barely afford a tank of gas.  the BM makes pretty decent money, and works full time, but she spends it all and has  thousands of dollars of bills in collections,  with no money saved up.  I believe if the court system took a look at her financial history, they would see how unreliable she is.  

As for partying and keeping my nose clean, I am a very responsible person and I stay out of trouble.  I have a squeaky clean record and I put my partying days behind me especially when I found out I was going to be a father.  I am doing my best in finding research materials to better educate myself on fathers' rights.  I agree with you Ref, it's better to have some knowledge.  One of my biggest questions is this....she lives with her father and stepmom about a half an hour away from where I live.  I support my mother and grandmother, but once I sell my house, they will be financially taken care of.  I am trying to play this whole thing cool so that th BM doesn't expect that I am seeking legal help.  She is trying to push me into getting our own place together in the next couple of months.  I know for a fact I CANNOT live with her, and I don't know if that would be a smart legal move.  However, I do want to make sure that my unborn son is being taken care of and I want to make sure that his birth goes well also.  

Once again I deeply appreciate everyone's help and suggestions.  I really want the best life for my son, and I don't trust an ounce of his mother to give him a happy life.

[Ref]

It is not uncommon for abusive women to accuse the men in their lives of being abusers. I have seen it time and time again. I really think you should keep a witness with you at all times. That might make her suspicious, but try to keep a witness with you as much as possible.

Another terrible thing I have heard is accusations of rape. Again, come up with excuses to not be intimate and have witnesses with you as much as you can. You can imagine who the cops believe when a woman cries abuse or rape.

Don't get overly paranoid about it, but keep it in the back of your mind.

Ref

[williaer]

Ok- this may sound a little crazy and I may get flamed here- but why don't you establish a home in your name...furnish the baby's room- let her come and stay with you while she recovers from the birth (6 weeks)- and then- the first time she makes a funny move- put her butt out. Make sure you establish paternity in those 6 weeks and play nice with her until she messes it up- you know she will. At that point- you are the father- you have a home- the baby has lived there all of it's life and she has a pattern of violent bahvior. You can get a restraining order and temporary custody...she would be fighting the uphill battle.....

I don't know- perhaps crazy and not worth it- but a thought.
Also- can you just sign a paternity affidavit in the hospital- so that you don't have to go through the DNA?

[JD_412]

I've been planning on doing this for a bit.  I figured that if the BM and I got a place temporarily and it was in my name I would be able to kick her out the first psychotic episode she would make.  We actually got     approved for a very nice condo but I paniced at the last minute and didn't follow through with it because I really don't think I can handle living with her.  I also figured that since it would primarily be my place I can set up hidden cameras in it to catch her in the act of her psychoticness and I would have more than enough proof to win my case...But like I said it almost felt like a panic attack when the reality of her and I living together came in effect.  And as for trying to have a witness around all the time, she is a very "fake" person.  She tries to act extremely innocent when she is around other people.  So she "restrains" herself and her abuse when she is around other people.  I think the camera idea would be the best bet, but I don't know if I can stretch myself any thinner than she has in order to live with her.

These are both extremely good suggestions and once again I do greatly appreciate it.  I'm going to look into a paternity afidavit just to make sure.
Have a great day guys.

[mistoffolees]

You might want to talk this one over with your attorney.

I can picture her attorney getting you on the stand for cross-examination:

Attorney: "So you think that she's crazy?"
You: "Yes, sir"
Attorney: "You think that there's enough risk to the child that you want sole custody?"
You: "Yes, sir"
Attorney: "Yet you bought a house with her and invited her to live with you even though you think she's crazy and a danger to both you and the child?"
You: "Yes, sir"
Attorney: "Who's the crazy one?"

OK, he wouldn't make that last statement, but you get the message - he's going to try to convince the judge that either you're exaggerating her craziness since you were still willing to live with her OR you knew she was crazy and you were still willing to live with her to entrap her (the fact that you have video cameras all over the place supports this) in order to strengthen your position.

At least I HOPE that's the way it plays out because I'm on the other side - my wife is making all sorts of wierd accusations but she's also begging me to return home. I think that kind of inconsistency is going to be hard to reconcile if you ever end up in court - or even a custody evaluation.

Good luck.

[JD_412]

that is a very good point mistoffolees.  The last time she assaulted me, the police officers that responded to the call recommended getting a restraining order against her due to abuse, and if I get a place with her, that will pretty much cancel out that recommendation if it was documented in the incident.  The police clearly saw who the guilty person one was being that I had a black eye and busted lip and she had not a scratch on her, but since there were no witnesses, I believe they felt it wouldn't hold up in court.

Thank you very much for the heads up.

[JohnV]

Mark Twain once said "It isn't what you know that gets you in trouble, it's what you know that just aint so." Please understand that I have a personal interest in the States claim to have control over the lives and fortunes of marriage partners and children born to them. I do not believe the State should be allowed to control parents and children through license. There is an organization called Matrix Law that is helping parents regain control over their children. I would suggest you might check them out. You can get information without cost or obligation at http//:www,matrxlaw.36bit.com.

[mistoffolees]

However, it's only fair to point out that under current law, the states DO have substantial control. You can choose to tilt at windmills and try to get that changed or you can accept the reality of the situation and work within the system.

I would recommend that anyone with a current issue work within the system. There is absolutely no way that the system will change in a time frame that will help people contesting custody today. Fighting the system puts you in the same boat as the people claiming that the income tax is illegal (many of whom are now in jail).

By all means fight the system on a long-term basis. If you really feel the system is unjust, you have every right to fight it. But suggesting that the state has no rights to someone who needs help TODAY is disingenuous at best and dishonest at worst. The state does have rights - as established by every court in the nation.

[JD_412]

I will be honest, I got slightly angry when I thought about the fact that people in the system are going to be the ones who decide if I get to raise my son instead of someone who is obviously not stable.  I also started to get agitated when I thought of the fact that people have told me that the court system favors the mother's rights as opposed to the father's.   I fear for the safety of my son, and I fear for the sanity of him as well.  I think about the BM's situation growing up, and I worry more.  Her father was supposed to get custody of her, but for some reason, the court gave her mother custody of her.  That is why she is the way she is today.  Her mother and her are spitting images of each other and I strongly believe that if she was raised by her father she would have ended up normal.  Her poor father almost commited suicide himself because of her mother.  My greatest fear is that the court will make the same mistake and grant custody to the BM and my son will either end up physically hurt, or he will end up in the same boat she is.  My main goal is to be the most positive influence in my son's life, where the BM focuses on everything negative.

I have no intention of going against the system because that will probably just get me in a worse situation than I am already in.  However, I do intend on going toe to toe with the system and doing whatever it takes to prove that my son will be raised almost a million times better by me than by the dangerous ways of the BM.

[mistoffolees]

That's all well and good. You have every right to push as hard as you can and I hope it works out for you.

I just get a little angry when people suggest that you should go in front of a judge and tell them they have no right to control anything. That's a sure-fire way to lose everything.

[Jade]

 Her poor father almost commited suicide himself
>because of her mother.

That isn't stable.  Her father is responsible for his own actions.  He can't blame what he attempted to do on someone else.  

[JD_412]

I definitely agree with you Jade. He is responsible for his own actions.  It was a long time ago, and he is fine now.  I was just giving an example because The BM is a spitting image of her mother, and I don't want to end up in the same shoes her father was in when he was married to her mother.  I would never try to commit suicide, but I definitely don't want to be miserable like he was.

[JD_412]

I'm with you on that one mistoffolees.  I've never been to a trial but I do know enough to not try and overthrow the court system.  Ultimately, it will be the judge and jury who decide if I get my son or not.....so there is no reason to piss them off.