Helping SS (long)

[Stepmomnow]

I have been around for awhile, but not posted much.

Background:  DH and BM split up when SS was 3 1/2 and have had 50/50 custody ever since.  SS is now 11.  He has had behavioral problems his entire life.  He is a "mean tease" and when he gets in trouble (often) he has a very hard time taking responsibility for his behavior.  (It is always everyone else's fault and he is the victim)  He was kicked out of kindergarten (private) because he was too disruptive to the class and hurt the other kids.  He was diagnosed with ADD a few years ago (it was pulling teeth to get BM to agree to the evaluation) and she refuses to let him go on meds.  The Custody Order requires joint medical decisions, so her refusal stops us dead in our tracks.

SS has been in therapy for about three years, and BM has now stopped that claiming he is tired of it.  Incidents at school seem to have escalated in the last few months.

BM and DH have a very contentious relationship and have gone to co-parenting (private mediation) for the last 2 years to try to resolve their issues.  BM is very passive aggressive and believes that she is the only one that knows what is good for SS.

We are pushing for more therapy, as it seemed to have helped last year, but she is refusing.  She is basically saying the problems he has are caused by DH being mean and sarcastic to SS.  This is not true and she has not really seen them interact in any meaningful way in over 8 years.  

Any suggestions as to how we get help for this kid before he does something that gets him suspended or into real trouble?  Or do we have to wait until he is in juvenile hall?

[Kitty C.]

How much help are you getting from the school in this?  I would think that, with the problems at school, they would have voiced their concerns to your DH and BM.

Tell you this, if the school is as frustrated in their efforts as you are with yours, tell them that if BM is refusing to do anything about, only they can actually make something happen by reporting her for neglect.

How are his grades and how much disciplinary action has there been taken against him throughtout his school career?  Get ALL documentation on this as possible.  If worse comes to worse, you might be forced to file for full custody and sole legal, or sole legal at minimum, based on her negligence in getting your SS the help he needs.  BUT, if you have to get her reported in order to make that happen, DO NOT do it yourself, as you won't be taken seriously.  In this case, it should come from the school, as an objective 3rd party.  

[Stepmomnow]

The school is reluctant to get involved, partly because BM has a habit of blaming the school when SS gets in trouble.  (the typical pattern of beleiving SS and saying the school is not treating him well)

His teacher did say that if SS was his kid, he would have him in therapy, but that is the best we have so far.

The incidents range from being rude and disrespectful to teachers (often ones BM does not like) to mean teasing (mock pushing a kid down a hill, or "bonking" heads with a younger child until the child starts crying).  Nothing yet that rises to the level of serious trouble, but it is very persistent.  

SS also does things like put his entire upper body into a garbage can when the teacher is talking to the class "because there were interesting things in there."  

I doubt this school district is willing to report mommy of the year for neglect.

His grades are pretty good.

We figure sole custody will happen sometime in the middle of high school, and we are trying to get out ducks in a row to make that happen.

Thanks for the post