Visitation issues.....

[JasonD]

Hi,
I am wondering if anyone has ever had to forego visitation because the future ex is trying to royally mess with you. My issue is this:

I am a police officer in a small town. I have worked really hard to get where I am. My future ex has gone on a campaign to  slander me, ruin my reputation and credibility and jeopardize my job. First, she began spreading rumours that I am sleeping with a few of the well known females in town and that I have diseases now and I have given her these diseases because I was doing this while we were still married. Then she actually went to these females and told them they needed to get checked out. When that didn't work, she began telling everyone that I was consuming alcohol on duty. Then, first, she began calling me and telling me she thought I was extremely depressed and I need to get help. Then she went ot my chief and the borrough manager and told them that I had made statements that I was suicidal and that "people" were afraid of me because i was depressed and were concerned because I carried a gun. She also had sent me emails questioning my parenting when I was having the kids over and began saying the kids told her I was drinking alot at home with them here and was concerned that I was driving the car drunk with them in the car. There are many other issues of concern with her as well. And, interspersed with all of this are emails and voice mails from her telling me she still loves me and does not want a divorce. ???

So, I decided, in order to avoid any other potential false allegations......like i am abusing the kids or something, I have decided to not exercise my visitatation until we go to court for the divorce hearing.

Now she is calling me telling me that I am a horrible father because I won't  take my kids and having the kids call me crying. I feel like crap and miss my kids immensely, but I cannot trust anything she says and am deathly afraid of her making further allegations. Am I wrong? Am I justified in not taking my kids? I want to go get them, but..........

I am finding out I really have no recourse other than to wait to go to trial....

Help!!

[melissa3]

Hey, I feel for you.

Being that you're an officer, and I'm sure you know a lot about these, can't you get a restaining order to keep her from harrassing you?

As far as your kids go, do you have a court order at all? If you do, then continue to see your kids. They are more important than the consequences of your ex slandering your name.

I dont have time right now but more to come. Hang in there....

[JasonD]

Unfortunately, in my state there are certain statutory requirements and she is staying right at the threshold and not violating them.

As far as a court order......no. We have a preliminary agreement signed by both of us regarding visitation, but was done before she started all of this. Nothing has been issued by the court with regards to custody, visitation, etc.

[melissa3]

What state are you in? You said she went to your work and made allegations about you and that doesn't constitute as harrasment?

How old are your children? Are they old enough to form their own opinions? If so, let them tell her what they want. If they want to see you then you be there to pick them up.

OK, so first, DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. This is what everyone else here will tell you. Save all emails and any messages the ex leaves on your machine. You need this as evidence if you get a lawyer and go to court.

I highly reccomend that you read everything in the Article Index/Archive on this site. You can find that link on the bottom of the home page. Be sure to check out Emergency First Aid. It contains articles on what to do during a divorce and how to get started with your family court case. This will be your best bet in achieveing a favorable outcome.

I'm not a proffessional, and I'm not as experienced as some of the people on here, but I think you should consider hiring an attorney and going to court. Otherwise, your ex will continue to play games and use your children to break your heart. You need to put an end to it before it gets any worse.

Good luck and hang in there.

[reagantrooper]

You stoped seeing your Kids? VERY bad move!

[JasonD]

I appreciate your opinion and if you wish to expound on it, I would greatly appreciate it, rather than making a blanket statement. I do visit with them while they are at daycare...... witness and interaction verification and all. However, if you any suggestions, I would appreciate hearing them.

[JasonD]

I am in Alaska......... my only recourse is a slander suit which, at this time would only drag matters along longer.......

[backwardsbike]

Hi!

I am a NCM.  I have been divorced for 8 years.  My Dh and I have been through all the false allegation games.  My X called CYS on us with a trumped up story about how we locked the kids outside our apartment in order to have wild sex inside.  That was pretty easy to prove false.  but once we ddi he turned the heat up other ways.

My advice is this.  COntinue on with what youa re doing with regards to visiting the kids when witnesses are present.  If at all possible, I would have mymom come stay with me so that I could have the kids overnight.  This is really important.  IMHO, I htink you STBX is setting things up so that you aren't having overnights thereby just about making primary custody to her a slam dunk.

Also, get your kids into some counseling.  If possible make it family counseling for at least you and them.  This willd o tow things, It will provide an objective third party witness to things the kids might say.  Like they say, " "little pictures have big ears".  It will giv eyour kids a saf place to vent.  And the counselor can see the realtionship you have wit your kids.  Therefore if you were abusing them it would show up in the therapy.  We did this as we were very concerned that X would say my DH molested my DD.  it hasn't happened yet, but its the only trick he hasn't pulled.  Our therapist quit when the X thretened to sue her, so current we aren't seeing anyone.  but I do not allow my husband to be alone with my DD.  Just too risky.

If I were you I would definitely let my superiors in on whathas been going on.  i am nurse, my X called my workplace and told them I was spreading confidential information about patients around time.  That one could have cost me my license.  EXCEPT X left the message anonyomsly ( he's a coward, like most bullies) and my boss knew me very well.  i am  highly respected in my field.  My boss knew of the divorce shenangians from all theitme I had to take off work to go to court!  My work was willing to see that I was ot harrassed in my place of employment.  They posted infor by every phone in the hospital that any call from outside that dealt with a compalint about me be traced.  unfortunately for me X never called back. Dang!

My X had a good friend of mine tape record ( illegally) phone convo I had with her.  He entered my apratment at least once when I was not at home.  I only knew this becase he said somehting about how small the bathroom was within earshot of the kids.  But I could never prove it.

These kinds of exes can be very mainipulative.  I for one, do notthink you are voer reacting.  Just cover your bakcside.  If Iwere you I'd be looking for a mom, aunt or cousin who would make a good chaperone for visitations and I'd be pushing my attorney for a court ordered custody evlauation ASAP.  Your X appears to be a real piece of work.

I am not an attorney or psychologist.  These statements are only my opinions.  Please contact qualified professionals for legal or psychological advice.

[backwardsbike]

Hi!

I am a NCM.  I have been divorced for 8 years.  My Dh and I have been through all the false allegation games.  My X called CYS on us with a trumped up story about how we locked the kids outside our apartment in order to have wild sex inside.  That was pretty easy to prove false.  but once we ddi he turned the heat up other ways.

My advice is this.  COntinue on with what youa re doing with regards to visiting the kids when witnesses are present.  If at all possible, I would have mymom come stay with me so that I could have the kids overnight.  This is really important.  IMHO, I htink you STBX is setting things up so that you aren't having overnights thereby just about making primary custody to her a slam dunk.

Also, get your kids into some counseling.  If possible make it family counseling for at least you and them.  This willd o tow things, It will provide an objective third party witness to things the kids might say.  Like they say, " "little pictures have big ears".  It will giv eyour kids a saf place to vent.  And the counselor can see the realtionship you have wit your kids.  Therefore if you were abusing them it would show up in the therapy.  We did this as we were very concerned that X would say my DH molested my DD.  it hasn't happened yet, but its the only trick he hasn't pulled.  Our therapist quit when the X thretened to sue her, so current we aren't seeing anyone.  but I do not allow my husband to be alone with my DD.  Just too risky.

If I were you I would definitely let my superiors in on whathas been going on.  i am nurse, my X called my workplace and told them I was spreading confidential information about patients around time.  That one could have cost me my license.  EXCEPT X left the message anonyomsly ( he's a coward, like most bullies) and my boss knew me very well.  i am  highly respected in my field.  My boss knew of the divorce shenangians from all theitme I had to take off work to go to court!  My work was willing to see that I was ot harrassed in my place of employment.  They posted infor by every phone in the hospital that any call from outside that dealt with a compalint about me be traced.  unfortunately for me X never called back. Dang!

My X had a good friend of mine tape record ( illegally) phone convo I had with her.  He entered my apratment at least once when I was not at home.  I only knew this becase he said somehting about how small the bathroom was within earshot of the kids.  But I could never prove it.

These kinds of exes can be very mainipulative.  I for one, do notthink you are voer reacting.  Just cover your bakcside.  If Iwere you I'd be looking for a mom, aunt or cousin who would make a good chaperone for visitations and I'd be pushing my attorney for a court ordered custody evlauation ASAP.  Your X appears to be a real piece of work.

I am not an attorney or psychologist.  These statements are only my opinions.  Please contact qualified professionals for legal or psychological advice.

[reagantrooper]

You words:

"So, I decided, in order to avoid any other potential false allegations......like i am abusing the kids or something, I have decided to not exercise my visitatation until we go to court for the divorce hearing.

Now she is calling me telling me that I am a horrible father because I won't take my kids and having the kids call me crying. I feel like crap and miss my kids immensely, but I cannot trust anything she says and am deathly afraid of her making further allegations. Am I wrong? Am I justified in not taking my kids? I want to go get them, but.........."

You say nothing about "visiting" them at day care. You can bet your ass that you not "exercise my visitatation until we go to court for the divorce hearing." will be used against you in court no doubt about it. Your setting a presendent.

Flase alegations are a very usefull tool in court, its a common practice and yes it creates a "hole" for you to fight out of but if they are false they are false. Judges know this tactic!

Your Parenting time is not only yours, its you Childrens also and to cut that off because you are worried about what your wac job X will say is in my opinion a very bad move. I encourage you to start back seeing your kids now, take what ever she thows at you and fight on for you and your kids God given right!

So yes I think you are VERY wrong on this issue!

NO I dont think you are Justified in not taking your kids!

Mabey I missed it, how far do you live from your kids?

[lawless]

Hi,  I am married to a non-custodial father whose teenage daughters are refusing visitation.  One thing that the attorneys are paying close attention to is whether or not my husband actually goes to the door asking for the children even when they refuse to come.  If he doesn't do this, it is seen as his "non compliance with the visitation agreement".  So every other week, he flies to their city, asks for the girls and then stays in town for a week by himself because they refuse to come.  This sounds crazy but we must do this since we have been told that if he doesn't it will be used against him in our upcoming court case (Mom is actually petitioning the court for a guardian ad litem).  So, even though I have limited legal knowledge, I do know that your refusal to take the children on your stipulated visitation time will only be used against you.  This is just my opinion but it does not seem like the right move under the circumstances and certainly is not in the best interest of your children who need their father in their lives.  Those of us fighting for visitation get very emotional about someone who isn't exercising his...please forgive this!
If you want to get some actual legal advice about this, try the Socrateaser forum.  Remember to follow his guidelines for posting your question.
Hope this is helpful,
Lawless