First post. First time dad baby due Aug. Heartbroken. Please help/

[newdad73]

It's a bit of a story but I don't know where else to turn. My girlfriend (Margaret)moved out of the state last summer. (I'm in AZ. She moved to CO.) In November I took her on a trip to Jamaica to celebrate my being cancer free. She chose to break contact after but in Feb this year she came into town for work and told me she just found out she's pregnant. Not only that she was having the abortion two days later. This was a miracle considering doctors told me I was sterile due to the cancer treatments. When I asked if she had considered other options she refused to speak about it and returned to Colorado. I tried everything I could think of to save the life of my unborn child but she refused to even consider it. My sister even offered to raise the child. In a last ditch effort I called Margaret's sister and explained the situation, begging her to call Margaret and at least think about adoption. Margaret was furious. She did not want her family to know about the abortion. She cut off all contact and I prayed and began to grieve. Two weeks ago she emailed me. "Having baby. It's a boy."
    Little background before I go on: Our relationship started wonderfully until I got sick. Basically she took care of me financially while I spiraled down into depression and drug abuse. I was terrible to everyone in my life. We were terrible to each other but I never stopped loving her. I checked myself into a residential rehab and have been clean 3 months. (An eternity for a Meth abuser!) I found work and will never touch drugs again. My son is due in Aug and the desire to be a good father consumes me. It tears my heart out that I can't be there to see him grow inside her. But that is my punishment for my sins, I recon. I don't know if she plans on moving back to Az or staying in Co. I will move where our son is. I want to be there for the birth and to help with feedings, etc. but need advice. I have a good job in Az now and will be able to start providing for them in a couple months. (I'm staying at the treatment center to save money. It's subsidized since I'm a veteran.) I've already started mailing her what little I can. Margaret nor her family can see how I've changed because they live out of state. And they have no reason to believe what I sat since all they've ever known was a lying drug-addict. I believe our son shoulld have both his parents. In my perfect dream I want us to be a family someday. I want to be their hero. She's having my son and I'm still in love with her. If this is not possible I want us to be cooperative co-parents with only his best interests in mind. I know I need to concentrate on getting my life back on track but I can't stop the pain of not being with them. To make it worse Margaret has started dating men she meets on the internet. She's 6 mos pregnant! It's killing me. The type of man who would date a woman 6mos pregnant can't be the healthiest kind of man! In the end I would never deny her her happiness. The best gift I can give my son right now is to love and respect his mother. Please advise. Thank you for reading this. They'll be shorter from now on.

Jay

[Sherry1]

a loser.  She is dating and 6 months pregnant?  Take on no financial responsibility, stop sending her money, and stop calling it your kid until you get a DNA test after the baby is born!  You already stated you thought you were sterile!  The baby more then likely isn't yours.

After the child is born tell the mother you need a DNA test, if she refuses then the child probably isn't yours anyway.  If she allows a DNA test then have one done, and if the child is yours, hire a lawyer and get a child support/child custody agreement in place ASAP.

[VeronicaGia]

>a loser.  She is dating and 6 months pregnant?  Take on no
>financial responsibility, stop sending her money, and stop
>calling it your kid until you get a DNA test after the baby is
>born!  You already stated you thought you were sterile!  The
>baby more then likely isn't yours.
>
>After the child is born tell the mother you need a DNA test,
>if she refuses then the child probably isn't yours anyway.  If
>she allows a DNA test then have one done, and if the child is
>yours, hire a lawyer and get a child support/child custody
>agreement in place ASAP.

I agree except this:  Once the baby is born, file for a court ordered DNA test.  She (and you) will be court ordered to take the DNA test.  Unless it's court ordered it will not hold up in court.  Once DNA confirms or denies your paternity, you'll know what to do.  If the baby is yours, file for joint legal and physical custody immediately.  If not, walk away.  

You haven't even seen her, you don't know if she even is pregnant!  It could all be a scam.

[Sherry1]

nm

[flagmom]

Hi,

I have a one year old with a abuser/drug addict and went through a very similar sounding situation that you are going through with your former girlfriend but a bit stickier due to the abuse aspect.

If you love this woman and want to assist her financially then do it. There is no bad that can come from helping her especially if you have the extra funds (even if it is a small amount). A pregnancy is a very demanding time on a woman physically, emotionally and financially. No bad karma can come from this only good. It will be a very grand gesture that will only serve you, her and the unborn child (whether it is biologically yours or not).

Write to her your feelings. Don't expect her to just believe you. Demonstrate. Demonstrate your wellness. Be patient and understanding and you will be a victor. Don't follow the advice that comes from fear but that which comes from love. Rehabilitation from addictions take time and I'm sure it wasn't pleasant for her to deal with your addictions. The fact that you have been clean for such a short period of time means that you have more work to do to become the best father ever. I'm sure she has fears because of your addictions on how this could negatively affect this child.

The child will come and the more you have supported her unconditionally the greater positive impact you will have on her and this child. If it is a lie you have lost nothing because you demonstrated love.

My former boyfriend behaved the way you were told to behave by the other replies I read and the baby has suffered and continues to suffer by this awful, cruel legal system which he has gained very little from and lost heaps by putting me and the baby in the legal battle forum. His demands for DNA testing and denial of financial support has only made our child suffer unnecessarily. He stopped using when I was three months pregnant but so much damage was done and no repair before he wanted his rights as a father. Father's rights are tricky with a pregnant and new mother because the baby and mommy are one in so many ways. Doing right by the mother now and for the first 3 years of this child's life will earn you a high place in the child's life.

As far as her dating on the internet. Don't judge her so harshly. Pregnancy for me stirred up alot of feelings of loneliness by not having a partner. Men who are willing to date pregnant women should be rewarded. Because the kindness they are giving her they are giving to her and the unborn child. Pregnant women more so than anyone deserve to be taken out to dinner and treated well. It is not natural for a pregnant woman to not have a man in her life but it is not healthy for her to have a drug addict either. At least she isn't going out to bars with the internet she can screen more throughly who she allows into her life.

Work on yourself. Work deeply. Uncover the causes of your addictions. Heal your wounds. Focus on making yourself the best possible father if you want to endeavor to become one. Support mothers and babies. You have fought cancer continue the fight for what you want. Don't get caught up in fear.

I hope I was helpful. I live in Arizona and can tell you all about the laws and what is involved with the legal system. And if you are the father and you attack her legally then you will lose because the expense and the very little visitations my ex was given is far less than what he would have received if he was kind to me.

[newdad73]

Thank you for your point of view. In my heart I believe the child is mine. I love her and would do anything to be a family. I'm struggling with the concept that that may not be possible. I help in any little way I can right now. I just got a job and will continue to live in the rehab until I finish thhe program. Oddly enough she emailed me today and she's coming into town saturday. I will have a chance to sit down and talk and I'll post what happened. I will try to give her as many options as I can. It is just difficult to hold back the part of me thatloves her and just wants to beg her to stay. I learned my lesson the hard way. Getting emotional just turns her off! As far as the dating site goes I would not deny her happiness however the general consensus among the men when asked if they would date a pregnant woman was, "No, but I'd f*%k one!" She's not dating. Just having men over for sex.

J

[futureuselesseater]

Ok, do you think maybe you believe the child is yours because you want it to be yours?

Why not see your doctor again and have your sperm count taken to see if you are really able to get someone pg or not.  You can at least do this while ex g/f is pg so if you are found to be totally sterile than you know without a doubt not to bother getting a DNA test when the baby is born and move on with your life.

It is true some men like to experience having sex with a pg woman.  I was 5 months pg and showing when I was single and alone.  My next door nieghbor who was good looking and a lawyer was friends with me and I thought it was nice to have some attn I was needing during that time.  We went to dinner, but after the first real date it was clear he was wanting one thing from me and not another so needless to say it did not work out.  I did not have dinner with any other men the rest of my pg because of that experience.   I realized that it is too odd for a man to be interested in a pg woman when the child isn't theirs, lol!

Anyhow, good luck.  I hope that for your sake things will work out for the best.

[flagmom]

I'm a little naive I guess. I was very drawn to my babies fathers (all three of them during my pregnancy despite trying to date (not f$%k) other men.

Your right that she will get really turned off if you beg. Ask her what she wants? How she is feeling? Ask to feel the baby kick? Pay attention to her. Keep her well fed. Have nuts and snacky things around for her to munch on. Nothing worse than low blood sugar when you are pregnant. Don't talk about yourself unless she asks. Don't push her with you moving to where she is. Tell her how beautiful she looks which I'm sure she does and how lucky her baby is to have her for a mommy. Bring her some little booties and a pack of newborn onesies. It'll cost you less than $10 and provide both of you will anticipation. Get the tiniest socks they have for babies. Maybe you both can awe at how small they are.

I things go well. Remember to listen.

[janM]

Umm...you two were together in November, and she *just* found out she was pregnant in February?? Why did it take her so long to find that out? Go get your sperm count checked, because I really have my doubts about this being your child. She may be just taking your money.

I hope this is not the case and I wish you well...but please be sure before you go any further.

BTW...do you really want to be with someone who "dates" during her pregnancy? Do you expect her to be faithful to you? Are you going to be checked for STD's? If she gets one, how healthy can that be for the baby?

I hope you stay clean, too. Way to go.

[msme]

Also, make sure that any money you give her is in a check or money order & plainly marked Child Support. If it isn't, it doesn't count. It might be better if you just put the money in a savings account. If you feel it might become tempting because of your problems, get someone you know to co-sign on the account & require both signatures to take the money out.
That way, you will have a little money set aside for whatever happens. Do get the tests & make sure the baby is yours.

Good luck & God bless!
You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

[newdad73]

 Well, she was in town last weekend and I had a chance to see her. I took her to lunch and tried to play it cool. I just got a great job here in Arizona (finally!) and have been staying clean. Anyhow, she was cold and bitter still and we parted with a bad taste in my mouth. She lost her job and is going to move in with her mother until the baby is born in August. I agreed to send her $500 a month until the baby is born so she can pay her bills and not stress about getting a job while she's pregnant. I'll have to keep living where I'm at (it's transitional housing for homeless veterans) and riding the bus for a while but it's worth it I think. She says she's not going to move. It hurts that I won't get to see my son very much for the first year but there's no future for me. financially in Colorado. I hope I'm doing the right thing by staying but I'll be able to provide for him better here. Perhaps she'll come around and see there's no future in a dying rural town. It broke my heart when she told me she didn't want me to be in the delivery room. I don't get to see my first born son being born??? I can't bear that thought.  Maybe she'll soften up after a few payments go her way. She sent me an email a few days ago apologizing for the way she treated me last weekend and that she thinks we may be able to get along. I know some of you may see her as heartless, etc but understand this. From her point of view I was a drug addicted loser who couldn't be trusted to keep his word. It's not about the money for me. It's about proving I'm not that guy anymore.(over 3 months clean!)

[Mully]

I'm not sure how much help I can be, but I was (and still am, sortof) in a situation similar to what you're experiencing.
I'll speed through it as to not have such a long story.

Ex and I split last May, in June we found out she was preggers.  She did not want to entertain the idea of getting back together.
I stood mute for a few months because she just wouldn't talk to me, but I would do alot of the niceties that others were recommending (trying to be supportive, sending small care packages, dropping an email from time to time to show how important this was to me) and NOTHING, she still did not respond.  I eventually made the wrong move by asking if it was even mine (big mistake because she was not unfaithful and I knew that).  eventually after asking and asking she did allow me to be in the delivery room while my daughter was born (3 days of pure bliss) but, after she went home from the hospital, back to normal she went, and now I'm fighting for my paternal rights (just because you sign the affidavit of parentage or the Birth Certificate does not mean you have rights, only the you have the justification to fight for those rights)

Don't give up man, fight for every bit of your childs life, just be VERY certain that you're doing it for the better of the child, and NOT to re-establish a relationship with the mother.

like others posted, don't beg, just do your part when it pertains to the child, and FIGHT! give your boy the chance to have a loving father.

It's a fight that's worth the struggle.
As I'm writing this I still have not been granted my parenting time by the courts, but our day in court is only weeks away, we have a meeting with the Friend of the Court next week to set up a temporary parenting schedule and I have every faith that the courts will rule in favor of both the parents.

please feel free to write back if you ever just want to talk with someone who has went or is going through the same thing.

[email protected]

Jason