mental abuse?????

[humbledbyitall]

Hi, I'm hoping you'll take my word for it so that I don't have to post some long testimony that I have worked hard to be a good husband and father.  While I have certainly made my share of mistakes, I must tell you that I cannot possibly admit to mental abuse.  However, my STBX is tipping her hand that she is going for the "mental abuse" thing hard and heavy.  Ironically, she agreed to co-habitate from the date of the initial hearing until the date that the judge ordered for the temporary orders hearing (about one month).  So she did the whole "ambush" filing where she slapped and ran to hide with the kids, she claimed she was afraid, and then she immediately agreed to co-habitate when the judge ordered more time before the hearing.  It doesn't add up.....for good reason.  It's humbling to be accused of such, but it's just not true.  Nonetheless, I am trying to prepare my defense for this...knowing that it's coming.  I have plenty of witnesses and such.  I'm not really that worried that this will hold water.  I'm just trying to stay "one step ahead".  Any advice from "those who go before me"?  

She also called 911 on two or three occasions leading up to the hearing.  In no instance was there any physical contact or need for emergency intervention.  She claimed that she felt intimidated.  I believe she was "preparing her case" to try and establish some sort of abuse.  In no instance has there ever been a report filed or any action taken against me for abuse of any nature.  It's crazy, but she grows more and more desperate every day.  

I am fighting for 50/50 shared time, with me as primary custodian (for good reason that I won't get into).  There is a court-ordered psychologist and ad litem attorney at work.  

Just asking for any helpful insight or advice.

Thanks so much.

[Kitty C.]

She's using the oldest tactics in the world....trying to keep you on the defensive.  But she's screwed herself and you MUST take advantage of that.

By her claiming 'abuse', THEN moving back in blows her threat right out of the water.  Regardless of what she says, her moving back in says she is NOT afraid of you.  Even if she says she couldn't afford anything else.....if she were THAT afraid, she would have gone ANYWHERE else.

You need to stay on the offensive and hammer her on this one.  Besides, she's using the 'mental abuse' line because there's NO way to prove it and she can't prove anything else, either!

[NeverGiveUp]

Get ready for the, "I was afraid your honor.  He looses his temper sometimes and scares me.  But I don't want this divorce to hurt my children and so I'm trying my best to keep the peace.  It's true, he's never hit me or the kids, but sometimes he yells at me so . . . . . . "

You better have pictures of her beating your kids bud.  Cause if you're thinking you'll take the high road and win then you don't see the edge of the cliff in front of you.  I smell a TRO having you taken from your home in the middle of the night.  Anyone telling you that will win you your case has never been on the sh*t end of one. Because "She claimed that she felt intimidated" is all it takes to get a TRO.  And those calls to 911 become evidence in her favor. "See, I even had to call the police 3 times".
 
Come back when it's over and tell me how far off base I am.


Have you written your letters??? ->
http://www.senate.gov/
http://www.house.gov/

[humbledbyitall]

We are already living separately.  The temporary orders hearing was early June.  We didn't get into the "mental abuse" thing too much during the temporary hearing, but I feel it coming on.  There WAS a TRO when she filed, slapped and ran.  Unfortunately for her, the judge had modified it to a mutual TRO and she didn't even know it when she took the kids into hiding (which was strictly prohibited).  Of course, that was downplayed (the being in violation of the TRO part by her) during the temporary orders hearing.  Nonetheless, there's not much I can do about the woman picking up the phone and dialing 911.  In all instances, I spoke directly with the police and everything was civil and explained.  All I can tell you is the police came and went without incident, after speaking to each of us.  I know this is one of the oldest tactics in the book; and unfortunately it may be valid in far too many instances.  However, it is not valid here.  She has played up the part about the kids also being afraid of me.  I do believe the ad litem attorney will dispute that after the home evaluation and such.  I'm journaling everything very thoroughly.  Please continue to give insight!

[Stepmom0418]

I just wanted to say that my DH has been going through this same kind of thing in regards to BM saying SS is scared of him and ect. We know that what she is saying is not true but it took us a little while to figure out how we could prove it. Well... now everytime he visits we take pictures of him and all his smiles playing with my DH and his brother and sisters as well as a few with me. SS has asked BM if he could stay at his dads longer than just a weekend but yet less than a month ago at mediation BM claimed that SS was scared to death of us and didnt feel comfortable staying with us for more than a weekend. So... now that we know she is into telling lies we take special precautions in what we do. Take pictures and keep up the documenting you are doing in your journal and if you have access to a video camera it would come in handy as well. Take video of the time when you do have visits to prove your kids are in fact not scared of you and then everyone will see her as a lier that she is. Good Luck to you and your kids!! I hope this helps you.

[antonin]

Other tactics to watch out for:

1) She enrolls the kids in "therapy" at a woman's shelter. (she might already be doing this)

2) Stuff starts happening to her car (broken windshields, etc)

3) She enrolls herself in "therapy" at a woman's shelter. (she might already be doing this)

I agree with the poster who said you'd better watch your **s. What she is doing is standard ambush divorce stuff. All these cards were played on me.

[NeverGiveUp]

I know I sound like the eternal pessimist.  But I went through all of this.  The calls to the police, the children are afraid . . . . I did take pictures as well.  One claim was that my child was afraid of me and that I "upset her" on her birthday.  I had a dozen pictures from the 1.5hrs I had with her on her birthday.  Great big smiles, dancing, spinning, coloring pumpkins . . . . No one looked at them and no one cared.  

I had spread sheets depicting denied visitation time.  All of the activities while I did have them.  Didn't matter.  

Just be ready for injustice is all I'm saying, because almost always that's what the dad gets and the only way it's ever going to change is if we get LOUD about it.

[Stepmom0418]

I agree with you all the way about the injust in court. DH and I have decided to get LOUD about all of this and we are doing everything in our power to protect his child! SS has lived a life of hell and it only seems to get worse! We have had many tell us that we have a hell of a case but right now we are just in limbo waiting for some more things to happen. (trying not to go into too much details) But we do know that the courts are injust as are alot of the laws but..... We are in Iowa and there has been alot of things changing here so we are being optimistic about it all.

[NeverGiveUp]

Think maybe some of you Iowan's can move to NY after you finish there?  We sure could use some voices here.

[Stepmom0418]

Maybe some of the others from Iowa would come there to help but I think if we ever get it all worked out me and my DH should stay put! LOL! But hopefully with Iowa getting the ball rolling..... It would become a national trend!! That would be nice!

[Kitty C.]

Wish I could help you out there, NGU.  But it was a struggle just to get back here here after living in CA for 10 years.  This is HOME to me and DS.

On the other hand, if you'd like some info, including the name of the state rep. who introduced the bill, on the new JC law, I'd be happy to e-mail what I've got.  Just PM me anytime!  

[nosonew]

Also, NEVER, EVER meet her or be in her presence without a tape recorder, video camera (preferrably hidden) and/or other reliable witnesses present.  It is very common for some of these women to call and say, "lets meet and talk", you believe her, trust her, go, then the next thing you know...she is accusing you of rape, (DON'T EVER SLEEP WITH HER AGAIN!), abuse, verbal abuse, or threats.  COVER YOUR you know what! AT all times!  Best of luck!

[Bolivar OH]

A must read!!!!

"THE LIST"
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/thelist.htm

it sounds like your Soon To Be eX (STBX) has!!!!

Plus read everything site concerning strategies and what to except during your divorce.

Divorce is war!!
Courts look at Dads as wallets and Moms as angels.
If you do not have a strategy going into divorce Mom will win.

Do not entertain for a moment that the courts will treat you impartially.  You will have to fight every step to be treated fairly.