Messages

I live in Illinois with my 4 year old daughter. We live 4 hours from her father, who also lives in Illinois. We were never married and don't have a court order for parenting time. He has seen her once since Aug 2004 (Oct 2005) and before that only ever saw her only sporadically (sometimes 6 months would go by.)

I am trying to come up with a phased parenting plan for him, because he says he plans on seeing her more frequently. In the past when he was around, he has never been alone with her for more than 2 hours (by his request), and it would not be a case where they would be re-bonding as they haven't really ever done that. However, most of what I can find online applies to younger children and would involve more frequent contact. He has said that he doesn't have time to see her more than once a month.

I think it was fair what we did in Oct. He came down Sat and saw her for 6 hours (2 without me) and then again Sunday for 4 hours at our house.  
This what he asked for and I thought it seemed fair.

I was thinking of keeping it as is for about 4 months (he would have only seen her 4 times) and then if he shows consistency (and ASKS for more alone time) move it to more alone time for them, and keep doing that every 4 months or so until we progress into overnights.

Also his girlfriend and her sister came with him to see her which gave the impression that he just wanted to show her off.

Questions

1. Do you think what I'm willing to offer is fair?

2. What kind of parenting plan would likely be awarded if we can't agree and this goes to court? (Such as amount of time in each phase and length of phases, and whether it would begin partially supervised?)

3. Do you think it's reasonable to ask that he call her every other week, esp if he won't be able to see her the following month, and to ask him to not tell her that he's coming until he's SURE that he is?

4. Do you think it's reasonable to ask that he come without his girlfriend for at least a few times?

I agree with part of what your saying, but the part about him not tooing bad. Well if he keeps on seeing on her like he said he would then I'll agree:) thanks for being honest though and not attacking my position like happened on another forum.

My daughter's father volunteered to come to our town to see her which is great. But I also think it's kinda of "interesting" that he only became interested now that he found out that his girlfriend's sister lives in the same town as my daughter and I. (We attend the same college.)

In response to the christmas misunderstanding he said "well now I can't see her until the middle of January, because I won't have anywhere to stay, unless you want me to bring my parents and I don't think you want that."

That made it very to me that it isn't really that much about seeing his daughter (because yes, it would be a long drive here and back in one day, but if the situation were reversed I'd do it so I could see her sooner.) I think it's just about showing her off because when they came back from Walmart he had not only the girlfriend but her sister with her, and they stayed the rest of the day and then ofcourse the girlfriend came back the next day.

This isn't a situation of me being jeolous of his girlfriend or anything, but does anyone have a suggestion of how I could politely say "maybe your time with your daughter could be better spent without you hanging all over your girlfriend?" I mean I wouldn;t say it quite like that ofcourse, more about how they could bond better otherwise?

I tried to let them have "their time" by keeping myself busy in the other room on Saturday, but Sunday all he did was WATCH TV with his arm around his girlfriend ALMOST THE WHOLE TIME HE WAS HERE! He ignored our girl for over 2 hours! Even though I know it's supposed to his parenting time, I kept asking him if he wanted to play a game with her or take her outside and he just said "this is fine." So I played with her. He refers to it as "hanging out" with her instead of parenting time, so would it be rude of me to make a no TV rule while he's here? (Part of me wants to really say one day per weekend is enough, but I'm trying to be fair)

Okay I know I've posted this awhile ago, but nothing really came of it, so I'm going to try again. I have a 4 year old daughter, her father and I were never married and we don't have anything court ordered in regards to parenting time/visitation. I have full custody. My daughter and I live 4 hours away from her father and have since Aug 2004 (all of us in Illinois). During this time he has seen her once. Before that he was very sporadic going sometimes 6 months at a time without seeing her. He has always had a way to contact us, and just doesn't do so.

I have found a lot of suggestions on other sites for phased parenting plans, but they all involve much more frequent time, and usually younger children. Financially, we would not be able to set it up for him to see her more than once a month, but that was how often he said he wants to see her anyway.

In Oct when he saw her for her birthday he saw her for 6 hours on a Sat and then 4 hours the next day. He took her to Walmart for about 2 hours and the rest of the time just stayed at our house with her with me there (He asked to take her out longer, but came back early, because he's never been alone with her for longer than 2 hours.)

I'm not even willing to consider overnights or even all day at this point until he shows some consistency, and I have an idea of what I'd like to think is reasonable, (basically keep what we did in Oct for a few more months and then offer more time alone for them IF he asks.)

Usually we can can communicate well, but every now and then we greatly disagree (such as when he hadn't seen her in a year and thought it reasonable that he could have her for a full weekend after seeing her a few times for only ONE WEEK.)

Any suggestions, I'd think that every 4 parenting time periods or so we could consider lengthening their alone time, but that'd take 4 months for each "phase."

I'd also like to suggest that he try to call her at least every other week, as he hasn't even called her at all since Oct (He is supposed to come in a few weeks due to a miscommunication about Christmas.)

What does anyone think is reasonable? I know she's not a baby, but she also never bonded with him as he has always been sporadic in seeing her.