Messages

THANK YOU, for your input.  It is greatly appreciated.  Didn't your child have "issues" with dad being in and out?  That is what I was going to try to prevent.  My son's counselor said that would be detrimental to my son's mental state.  I am torn.  I don't want my son to forever be in a depressed because dad is not around and he is left wondering.  But I also don't want the same thing to happen because his dad is in and out.  All opinions are being taken into consideration.  I wanted input from someone who doesn't have an invested interest in my son. (like my friends or family or his fathers friends or family)

No this is not a joke and the reason I denied his father's family visitation, is because if his father chooses to no longer be a part of his son's life then my husband is going to adopt.  When you adopt a child from foster care, their other family isn't still allowed to have contact, so why should this be any different?  This is his father's decision not mine.  

Did you read the part that his dad is abusing his girlfriend in front of my son, and doing drugs (which the court conciliator noticed, he came to court high), and is in complete denial that his son has a mental issue.  I am not keeping my son in isolation, he has a huge support network with my family, my husbands family, and the couselors.  Dad didn't even come to any of my son's extra curricular activities.  He only wants to see my son when it is convenient for him.  I feel bad for his dad's parents but they have never been this interested before and it was their son's choice to step out.  Not my choice for him to step out.  I have tried everything to keep him involved in everything and went the extra mile.  

His visitations were weekly.  We had joint custody and then one day he just doesn't show up because the courts told him he cannot smack his girlfriend around, and that he had to provide his son with a bedroom (he has been sharing a bedroom with his dad and the girlfriend, while her teenage daughter with a baby have their own room, and her 20 yr old son has his own room.)  In addition, they are always breaking up, and he is moving home to his parents.  But when the courts say to only have visitations at his parent, he steps out???  They (son and father) are there alot anyway.

Up until this point, any decisions I made that had to do with our son, I consulted with him first.  My husband and myself make sure that there is never anything negative said about my son's father or extended family, so that he would hear.  I have always been the one who was "walked on" by the his father, and I always left it go for my son's sake.  When enough was enough, he stepped out.  He was the controling one and when he could no longer control he hides.

As for telling him about court, I explained to him that mommy's and daddy's have rules to follow just like kids.  And when daddy hits his girlfriend he is breaking the rules and a judge is like our parents who punish us for being naughty.  (I cleared this with his counselors 1st)  And the judge said that daddy needs to take a time out and should only be able to visit with him at his grandparents house.  And besides, he has a bedroom at their house.  I was sure to make it not his dad's fault, as to protect his father from any resentment.  After a couple of weeks of no dad and questions kept flooding (again I first checked with his counselor) I had to tell him that I didn't know where daddy was or why he wasn't coming.  

But I thank you for your opinion, it helps in any decision making to come.  No decisions are going to be made until Aug.  Dad has until then to show up or call or something.  And then adjustments can be made.  I am torn as to what relationship should remain with the extended family if dad decides he wants no more contact?  This is a hard decision to make.  First because how do I know they won't try to keep the contact with dad going?  And because they do not take any consideration of how their actions and such affect my son.  He needs a strict structure in his life and no one in that family seems to get it.  His father was told by the counselor, the psychologist, and the psychiatrist how important this was and they all chose to ignore.  My parents, my in-laws, my sisters, and any other extended family of mine have all had to make these adjustments.  But they all realized the importance of this for my son's sake.  The conciliator even told him he was neglecting his duty as a father to help his child become a productive member of society and all he could do was argue with her.

I would like information from anyone who can give it, to my problem.  1st, I don't know what all the abbreviations stand for so bear with my full typing.  I have primary physical custody of my 7 yr old.  The father has not attempted to visit or call in over 2 mths., could be 3 mths.  In my state (PA), there is a 6 mth rule or law?  After that the father has forfeited his parental rights.  MY DILEMMA - why do I have to wait 6 mths?  My son keeps asking where his daddy is?  I have told him that his daddy was mad at me (I'll post the whole story at the end) and just needed time to cool down.  Weeks passed and he asked again, I don't feel it is right to lie and I was tired of covering for his father, so I told him about the hearing (in a way he would understand) and the decision and that daddy was angry that he didn't get his way.  I told him that it was unfair for daddy to take it out on him and that I was sorry but I didn't make decisions for daddy and didn't know what to do.  (the 1st 2 weeks I did call his father with no return calls).  At this point I do not want his father to be able to just "pop" in when he feels like it.  He is not the type of person to call me and see if it would be ok.  He would just tell me he is excerising his parental right.  Part of our custody order has that he may pick our son up at school on Tuesdays.  My guess is that when he feels like coming around again, he will do it on that day so to avoid a confrontation with me.  His parents and brother keep calling for visitations and I have to turn them away.  I have explained to them that are able to see my son when he is on visitations with his father and is not my fault that he is not exercising that.  Their response, of course, is that it isn't their fault either and they shouldn't be punished.  I understand this however, my son has an anxiety disorder in which a counselor comes to my home to see him.  This whole issue has been extremely taxing on him.  He used to be in an extracurricular activity which his fathers parents started to show up at main events without notice.  This would get my son all worked up, "why can they come and not daddy", "where is daddy", "why doesn't daddy come get me anymore" etc. and he would refuse to participate or come home and fight with me or his younger brother, or just cry.  When the grandparents and uncle call, I explained this to them, (supposedly they didn't already know), and yet they called again, thinking of themselves and how they miss their grandson and not how it affects him.  Thankfully I have been the one to answer the phone and not him so he is unaware of the calls.  In having to wait the 6 mths. out, I cannot prevent his father from showing up at school at any time, let alone his stated day.  (In my state or county either parent may pick the child up at school at any time, unless a court order prevents them)  Also, his father has in the past attempted to TAKE my son and not bring him back because he was angry at me.  My lawyer has told me to wait out the 6 mths. so as to not cause his father to come back.  (It really is in my sons best interest in the long term to not see his daddy again)  Since this has all started my husbands (I'v been married for over 4 yrs and have another son with my husband) employer has gone bankrupt and his job is no longer secure.  In planning our future we decided we needed to get out of debt before this would happen.  To do that we need to sell our house and move.  We are looking to stay in the same county but in a cheaper school district.  DO I HAVE TO TELL MY SON'S FATHER WE ARE MOVING?  CAN HE PREVENT THE MOVE? Even though he has not been around?

The whole story in short.  I found out that my son's father was physically assualting his girlfriend in the presence of my son.  This was the topper of alot of other BS I have ignored.  I sought a lawyer for an ammendment to my custody order.  I won.  The order was changed to visitation only at his fathers parents house, participation in my son's counseling (he ignores that there is a problem which could be bi-polar disorder), and he was supposed to appeal so we could bring up drug abuse and to receive anger management before visitation would be considered to go back to normal. (the case was initially handeled by a conciliator and then it can be appealed to a judge if either party doesn't agree this is what we were counting on, bringing up the drug abuse would have tipped him off and would have gotten clean before the court date.)  WILL I NOW BE ABLE TO GET SOME OF THE OTHER STUFF I WANTED SINCE HIS ABSENCE?

All opinions are welcomed I am open minded to an extent.

I am glad I am not in your shoes and have to make these decisions.  I am a mother with primary physical custody, my son is only 7 though.  I just wanted to give you a word of caution.  Allowing the child to make a decision to move because things didn't go his way is not a good idea.  He only wants to move because he doesn't like what mom has proposed.  If he truly doesn't want to work at her shop, then he should by his own car.  It would be good to teach him that vital things like a vehicle can't be given to him on a silver platter anyway.  I believe that his mother is truly unreasonable to act the way she is acting but that doesn't make it ok for him to decide to move.  What happens when he doesn't get his way at your house?  Does he get angry and fed up and move back to mom?  Your house will always seem like the "greener grass" because he doesn't spend all his time there.  When he moves in and stays for long amount of time (couple of months) and realizes that he'll have rules and restrictions at your house also, he may not like it as much as he thought.  By the way it sounds a discussion with his mother is out of the question?  If not maybe your husband can reason with her.  Her feelings were probably hurt by her sons choice to not work for her, and if someone else discusses it with her maybe she can come to realize this.  If this is impossible then it may get costly with lawyers.  Good Luck.