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Take a deep breath and realize that there is no more dramatic creature on the planet than a 14 year old girl. And they have no filter on their mouths, so don't beat yourself up about this. I'm pretty mild mannered in my 40's, but I remember being 14 like it was yesterday, and I felt completely justified in tormenting my parents - and they were married.

I think it's wise to get ahold of a counselor, and just deal with this problem one step at a time. But don't stress about it, 90% of this is her age rearing it's mouthy head  : )

I need some information about what the laws here are.

thank you for interjecting that perspective.  

On that note, I would have to say I definitely do not want to be dragged into anything.  If I was, I'd speak up honestly, but I'd rather not have to.  

I'm going to just find facts for now.  They'll determine much of what I do.  If I find out this guys an inmate somewhere, there's no way I'm letting him know where to find an innocent little toddler.  I just don't know what I'm going to find.

The legal battle would be a result of the fact that my SD got into bed with a man while deliberately staying off the pill.  These were her words.  How and when he finds out is not the issue, the issue is she decided to use him as an unwitting sperm donor, then deny him his own child.  I take zero responsibility for any court battle, in fact if he fought for his son, and I knew this little boy wouldn't have even known his dad if it weren't for me, I would wear it as a badge of honor.

If, and I mean IF this is a man of honor who really would be good to his son and really would fight for him.  That's what I don't know.

As far as my dh, well, with all the love in my heart - he can kiss my butt.  I've heard him bitch and moan for 12 years about how horribly his ex raised his kids, and how she kept his kids away from him.  He doesn't have a leg to stand on helping someone do the same thing to another guy.  If he took me to task on that, well, he can go back and live with his daughter and her mother as far as I'm concerned.  

However, I think the main reason I posted this in the first place was to get perspective, and for that I am very grateful for your post.  I wouldn't have a balanced view on this subject if it weren't for all different views being shared.  You make a very good point that this is a huge deal with alot of ramifications, and I should treat it accordingly.  I honestly don't want to be the person who does something about it.  I'm more of a research person who likes to present the facts to others and let them make a decision.  




Pre-paid Legal and Identity Theft Protection
//www.blessedabundantly.com

someplace she was living in.  She's been asked to leave 5 homes in 5 states because of non-payment of bills, drug use, etc....  She lives on welfare, and God knows what else.  Her mother wants her home for the rest of her life, it's a really sick relationship.  Her mother never wants her to leave home, wants the baby to be raised there with her (at least until he's not a cute little baby anymore and she gets sick of him - she always does).  Believe me, SD will not be bringing him here anymore - she doesn't approve of us.  She'd sooner give the baby to the bio father than let us raise him, not that we're offering.

I'll tell you what's going to happen.  They're going to screw this kid up over the next 10 years, like Ex has done with all of her kids and stepkids (out of 5 kids that have left home so far, 2 are drug users, one is a severely depressed drop-out who drinks too much, 3 are welfare mothers, and the last one who's 12 just got picked up by the police for the first time recently).  Then when he's 12 or 13 and he starts getting into trouble, we'll get a phone call asking for help.  

I'm moving to Aruba and changing my name before then.

I've decided to find the father (on paper only), do a thorough background check including his family, and then sit on it for about a month or so while I get counseling on what to do.  I don't want to ask anyone what to do until I really know what this guys about first of all.  If he's a drug using loser, and his family is screwed up too, well, why bother.  But my SD lies about everything else, so why should I trust her on this?  I'm finding out for myself.




Pre-paid Legal and Identity Theft Protection
//www.blessedabundantly.com

a long time.  :)







Pre-paid Legal and Identity Theft Protection
//www.blessedabundantly.com

in regards to his daughter.  I don't even know how to describe her.  She's beautiful, witty, smart, stylish, and one of the most cunning, evil hearted people I've ever met.  When people ask me why I don't like her, I just say, "She lures good people into doing bad things just to win her approval."

The only person besides me who understands how whacked she is is my SS, but the whole stepfamily thing gets in there so much that sometimes he'll defend her just because they're part of the same unit.  But he knows she's whacked.






Pre-paid Legal and Identity Theft Protection
//www.blessedabundantly.com

and I'm not sure if I know anyone who could be a third party, but maybe someone will show up in my search.  I just think that once I know the true story, I'll have more information to let me know what to do.  If he truly is an abusive meth-head, well, that's a no brainer.  But I know he has another daughter out there, who would be this little boys sister.  I think they have a right to know each other (someday at least), whether it's convenient for my SD or not.  Siblings are siblings.

I'll give it plenty of time, thought, and counseling I can assure you.  I just needed to get some additional perspective.  It's really been eating at me lately and if I'm gathering information then at least I'm not just sitting around stewing about it.



Pre-paid Legal and Identity Theft Protection
//www.blessedabundantly.com

Number one: she was living with him up until a month after conception.  

Number two: the father has a very distinctive stance.  I just saw the little boy over Christmas, and he stands exactly like his father.  Feet out like a duck, long waisted, same kind of hair.  I used to work for a P.I., and for some reason I have a photographic memory for people's physical appearance.  That was the main thing I noticed about the Dad, and I'll be danged - his son has the same physical features.  Neither SD, her brother, my dh or their mother looks like that at all.

SD and I don't have a relationship.  We are not parent/child, in fact we barely tolerate each other once every couple of years because her personality is revolting.  Once she hit 23 I figured she's grown with a 2 year old son.  Dh can see her at will, but as I'm nothing but target practice for her, I'm done.

This is an issue of wanting to know the ethics of the situation.  Is it wrong of me to even gather the info?  Or should I be gathering info and sitting on it, or going even further and sending it?  It's very confusing, but I really don't want to be a target, so it would definitely be anonymous.




Pre-paid Legal and Identity Theft Protection
//www.blessedabundantly.com

my sd, he tends to be easily duped.  But if her mother pulled this with him?  Then she'd be the lying bit@h from hell.

SD was 20 when she got pregnant, no legal issues there.

I wouldn't want to be the one to tell, but if I find out the guy is a really decent guy, I may try to find a way to let him know anonymously.  Either way, I feel very strongly about gathering as much information about him for his son as I can, so when he's old enough, he'll have something to go on.

Let me put it this way: My dh had a half brother no-one had seen for 47 years that he and his family were desperate to find.  They were ecstatic to find him.  I've had dreams about the grandparents I never met, and in those dreams I find out they're really alive and I can meet them.  I wake up devestated every time.  Faith Hill's first marriage fell apart because of her obsession with finding her biological mother.  I know my bio parents and so did my dh, but we were obsessed with finding other relatives we hadn't met, so multiply that out and that's how this little boy's gonna feel about his own father.  That's why I want to make sure the guy doesn't disappear into the woodwork because too many years go by.  I know technology's getting better, but still, you never know.