Need opinions from some Dads.......

[cc]

O.K., I have a moral dilemma here:

My husband's daughter got pregnant a few years ago, and had a baby a couple Christmas's ago.  I met her boyfriend at the restaurant where they worked (did not approve of the relationship, she barely knew him), and thought, dang, I'll bet she's not even on birth control (it would be just like her to do something like that).  A few weeks later she showed up at our house saying he had gotten arrested, and their relationship was over.

About a month later she shows up again with a tummy, and says she's put on 15 lbs and can't figure out why.  I was like, oh crap.

Alright, here's my dilemma.  She never told him about the baby.  She claims he put her in the hospital 4 times, has a daughter that he never pays attention to, does meth, and has been in and out of jail.  

My SD has a penchant for lying.  I mean a *big* penchant for it.   So without contacting anyone or interferring, I decided to just check the public records to verify her story.  I found prior traffic court records for the guy, so she wasn't lying about that, but no other records.  Now I haven't gained any police reports yet (wasn't that into researching the thing since it doesn't involve me - I just wanted to know if I was being lied to again), but I've checked all public records, and the worst this guy has done, apparently, is speed in his car without insurance.  Which is pretty bad, but still doesn't qualify him as a woman beating meth-head.

What makes me suspicious is this:  My SD has always said she wanted to marry a guy with a certain type of look so her kids would look a certain way (weird, I know - her and her mom are obsessed with physical appearance.  They want a bunch of tall, blonde haired, blue eyed Lebensborn babies.  It has nothing to do with meeting the child's needs with a stable upbringing and everything to do with breeding the perfect offspring).  Guess what the baby's father looked like?  You guessed it.  My dh's ex also was very possessive of her children, and referred to them as "my" kids instead of "ours", and would regularly make unilateral decisions regarding them, even though they have joint custody.  It was ridiculous.  

My SD told me before the baby was born that "This is just *my* baby.  It has nothing to do with (ex-boyfriend) at all.  It's just *my* son."  Gave me the willies.

So here's my dilemma:  I used to work for a P.I., and if there's one thing you learn it's "get it while it's hot".  In other words, a hot trail is better than a cold one.  So if you were in this situation, and you knew that a man was potentially being denied knowledge or a relationship with his own son, would you gather all the info you could in case the child wanted to find him later?  I wouldn't do anything unless he was 18 and asked me, 'cause I don't think it's my place.  But I just think everyone's buying her story on this hook line and sinker, and some guy out there might be getting his son stolen from him.

Help me make sense of this - and please don't be harsh, I've never really been in a situation like this before, so I'm genuinely perplexed.

[mishelle2]

well from my dh own experience of not finding out he had a son till son was 2 (from a one night stand) it has been hard, but as a parent I believe that you have an obligation to notify this man of his child, if you have to without him knowing it came from you .. then so be it. Forget your daughter, forget the father and remember the child, the child has a right to know both parents and make decisions about them when there older,  so if you dont want to tell him.. heck.. give me his number.. Ill call him and tell him for you.


In my honest opinion, I believe that there should be some sort of law past that would discourage this from woman. Like, the hospital sends out a notice to the fathers, or the insurance company does, or heck you cant get financial assistance until the father has been notified and you can prove it.

these are just my opinions cause Ive seen first hand the pain its caused.. ..

[cc]

mind me asking what kind of challenges the two of you have faced in this?  I have no idea what it would be like to be the parent, or the step-parent in this situation.

[mistoffolees]

>Help me make sense of this - and please don't be harsh, I've
>never really been in a situation like this before, so I'm
>genuinely perplexed.
>


While I'm sure you're not along, I have to think that there aren't THAT MANY people who have been in your situation, so don't feel bad about your perplexity.

You've got a lot of issues to deal with:

- The baby's father does have rights and a right to know
- What happens to your relationship with the SD if you tell the father?
- What happens to your relationship with your husband (I assume that you're still married to the girl's father) if you tell the father?
- Do you have some legal obligations in the matter? (Sounds like the girl is under 18. Does your husband have an obligation to tell the BM what you've discovered, for example, as part of the divorce decree?)
- Would you be open to a lawsuit if you DID tell the father?

Obviously, it's a mess. I wouldn't presume to tell you what I think you should do (frankly, I don't know what I'd do), but I can suggest that you consider 3 things:

1. Ask Socrateaser (or your own attorney) if there are any legal issues involved. Could you get in trouble for telling or could you get in trouble for not telling?
2. You might want to discuss it with a qualified counselor or if that's not possible, your pastor or someone else in that kind of shepherding role for their advice.
3. I don't see any mention that you've discussed it with your husband. It seems to me that you might want him to be involved in anything you do.

I suspect it will come down to your relationship with the SD and how important it is to you to maintain that.

[cc]

my sd, he tends to be easily duped.  But if her mother pulled this with him?  Then she'd be the lying bit@h from hell.

SD was 20 when she got pregnant, no legal issues there.

I wouldn't want to be the one to tell, but if I find out the guy is a really decent guy, I may try to find a way to let him know anonymously.  Either way, I feel very strongly about gathering as much information about him for his son as I can, so when he's old enough, he'll have something to go on.

Let me put it this way: My dh had a half brother no-one had seen for 47 years that he and his family were desperate to find.  They were ecstatic to find him.  I've had dreams about the grandparents I never met, and in those dreams I find out they're really alive and I can meet them.  I wake up devestated every time.  Faith Hill's first marriage fell apart because of her obsession with finding her biological mother.  I know my bio parents and so did my dh, but we were obsessed with finding other relatives we hadn't met, so multiply that out and that's how this little boy's gonna feel about his own father.  That's why I want to make sure the guy doesn't disappear into the woodwork because too many years go by.  I know technology's getting better, but still, you never know.

[mishelle2]

ok, heres my honest opinion, forgive me if it sounds harsh, It should not matter if you or anyone else feels he is a "descent" guy, because whether he is or isnt, does not change the fact that this is his child, and he  has the legal right to know it, if your husband doesnt agree, maybe you should look closer at his value system, ask him to put himself in his shoes.. same response?  
If everyone knows the truth but noone has the moral backing to stand up for what they believe in, then you are in for a rude awakening when this young man gets older and ends up resenting all of you for keeping his father from him.

You know, say this father isnt a "descent" guy right now.. maybe all he needs is something to turn it around for

I believe you have a moral obligation to this child to let the father know,then let him have the option to take it from there..  now some may not agree with me, but its my opinion.

[mistoffolees]

I agree with you that the father has rights - but there's one more thing.

I think she also has an obligation to the SD to be supportive and so on. If the SD feels that her life would be miserable with this guy involved, she's opening a can of worms. Not to mention that adults should be able to live their own lives without intrusion from their parents.

That's what makes this situation so difficult - there are two competing 'rights' and exercising one of them automatically negates the other.

For that matter, what if the alleged 'father' isn't really the father at all and some other guy is really the father. You could be disrupting this kid's life by telling him he has a child which isn't really his after all. Given what the original poster wrote about the SD, that's not entirely out of the question, either.

Having seen the rest of the story, I can't say it would be as black and white as you're making it.

[cc]

Number one: she was living with him up until a month after conception.  

Number two: the father has a very distinctive stance.  I just saw the little boy over Christmas, and he stands exactly like his father.  Feet out like a duck, long waisted, same kind of hair.  I used to work for a P.I., and for some reason I have a photographic memory for people's physical appearance.  That was the main thing I noticed about the Dad, and I'll be danged - his son has the same physical features.  Neither SD, her brother, my dh or their mother looks like that at all.

SD and I don't have a relationship.  We are not parent/child, in fact we barely tolerate each other once every couple of years because her personality is revolting.  Once she hit 23 I figured she's grown with a 2 year old son.  Dh can see her at will, but as I'm nothing but target practice for her, I'm done.

This is an issue of wanting to know the ethics of the situation.  Is it wrong of me to even gather the info?  Or should I be gathering info and sitting on it, or going even further and sending it?  It's very confusing, but I really don't want to be a target, so it would definitely be anonymous.




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[mistoffolees]

Reason #1 - if she's as unstable as you indicate, can you be sure she wasn't with someone else even once?
Reason #2 - Maybe, but I guess I'm not convinced. If she's attracted to the tall, blonde german types, could she have chosen someone else with similar appearance?

I'm not saying that she did, I'm just pointing out that the issue is a life-changing event and there is always a risk of a mistake (particularly from the way you've described SD).

Also, don't get me wrong - I'm not saying that you should avoid telling him because of the risk of error, either. I'm firmly in the "I don't have any clue what to do and am just thankful it's not me, and I don't even have the courage to offer advice on what I think you should do" camp.

As for wanting to know the ethics and gathering information, I agree with you completely here. I don't see any ethical issue about gathering information and exploring what you should do. Gathering as much information as you can and sitting on it seems to be a no-brainer from an ethical standpoint. I just can't seem to decide what I would suggest as far as telling him. That's why I suggested talking with a counselor, pastor, etc who is obligated to keep it quiet to explore your options.

If you just can't reach a conclusion, and if I were forced to decide, I'd probably go with "would I want to know if I were the father" and my own answer would be 'yes'.

Just a thought - is there some third party who knows him well who you could work with? Again, a pastor or someone like that?

[wysiwyg]

I agree - tough decision.  However look at it from another angle, what if you told this man and he turned out to NOT be the father as the above poster said, are you sure she was not with someone else even once?  

that is really pretty tough.  I believe that things have a way of working out themselves, if she ever asks for state assistance they will want the fathers name or several names in which to test for DNA, then will get the BF with support.  

Does you DH support your telling his daughter?