Messages

Thank You!

All very sound and consistent advice. I think I am my own worst enemy here - overthinking everything and still treating my "soon to be ex" as if she is still my wife.

I am working on it all... all the time.

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

I am sure my story has many similarities to others - even though it is entirely unique too. I am working extremely hard to separate my emotional issues regarding my marriage from my parenting goals and concerns... but for over ten years - these have been completely entanged, so it's all new to me.

I am looking for 100% blunt feedback. I'll take what rings true and not be overly hurt by what seems off.

My situation:

- Together 12 years

- Married 10 years

- Wife had affair, moved out late last year

- She took the kids 3 to 4 nights a week (her choice) - I wanted them 7 nights

- She filed one month after moving out

- She started keeping the kids 4 or 5 nights when I asked for custody - admits that it was because she was worried she would lose child support

- We live in Illinois

- I have been paying ALL of her expenses

- She has been spending like crazy on top of the expenses I have been paying

- She does not work, has no skills, job history - feels it is my fault; i.e. that I have held her back; She enrolled in part time classes this year;

- I have a just barely over 6 figure income - I feel I have always supported my wife with her working and going to school - I feel she hasn't wanted to work

- I have serious concerns about her mental health - this issue is a HUGE problem for me - and a very mixed bag.

* She has several different documented diagnosis, stopped medications on her own, has seen a psychologist for five years, seemed incredibly unstable when she started the affair and suddenly moved out - her whole personality flipped over night, none of her friends could make sense of it, her family was thrown... this was not a well planned escape from a miserable marriage... this was misery building up silently and exploding in an extremely unhealthy and destructive way.

* Does that make her "unfit" as a mom? Who can judge?

> Do I have concerns - YES.
> Is that normal for a dad going through divorce? YES.
> Has she ever endangered the children? YES - clearly... while we were married.
> Since we have been separated? Not so clearly.
> Do I worry she will go off the deep end again somewhere down the road? Yes
> Is that justification for seeking sole custody? Doesn't seem to be the case.

Here's the deal... I love her. I am angry. I feel betrayed. But I still love her. I am learning I have codependency issues. I don't always know what to believe.

We are in court ordered mediation now to discuss custody. We both have attorneys also.

Here's what mediation has boiled down to - she is fine with a 50/50 joint custody arrangement so long as I give her full child support plus spousal maintenance.

I am fine with giving her money - but don't want to be walked all over, AND want to ensure I am looking out for the kids best interests financially, since I have zero confidence my wife can manage the money. She continues to drive us deeper and deeper into debt showing no signs of ownership or responsibility.

We were court ordered to go into mediation to settle the custody problem only. We were specifically not supposed to talk about money.

How then is it fair that both my wife and the mediator have put the money issue up front and center?

If she will agree to 50/50 so long as she is named primary, that will guarantee her some amount of child support. Isn't it reasonable to expect that we should be able to hammer out that agreement first - and talk about money later?

My wife has openly stated that this is about money to her. I recognize that this doesn't mean she doesn't love the kids. She just feels threatened - and believes it is my responsibility to pay for her and the kids to live comfortably while she does not have to work. Meanwhile, I am not sure I can cover my bills or even keep the marital home for very long.

On the one hand - I want to take the 50/50 deal while I can so I can hold onto as many legal rights with my children as possible.

On the other hand, this just feels like more evidence that she is not really interested in the kids best interests. How can she say one minute - I think it is best for the kids to be with each parent an equal number of days and nights... and then say, WHOA, wait a minute... if you don't give me enough money, THEN I think it is best for the kids to be with their dad only every other weekend?

Is this just the way the cookie crumbles? It's all making me feel kind of sick inside. I don't want to be right.... I just want to do the best job I can do for my kids...

I recognize my own weaknesses - which is that I am not a good negotiator, lack self-esteem, and have let my wife walk all over me for so long that I am having a hard time changing the momentum all at once.  These are all my problems to fix... I am not a victim and I don't feel sorry for myself - I am just looking for advice and guidance to assist my thought processes. And I fully recognize that there is a LOT of wisdom out there from those of you that have been through this phase.

Question: Should I just take the 50/50 and go down the money path to get it as quickly as possible - so long as I spell everything out in a rigorous parenting agreement?

Question: Is the mediator doing an OK job if she supports my wife in this clear blackmailing effort? Or is that my place alone to point it out?

Am I missing anything obvious here?

If it seems that I waffle on the mental health issue - I do. My wife has told me since the day she left that "all men think their wives are crazy when they get dumped". So, let's just say that hearing that constant message everywhere I go has certainly undermined my convictions. I was considering a custody evaluation - but am just not sure I can handle the costs. Now I am just trusting my wife's psychologist and my son's therapist to help keep an eye on things.

Me trying to figure out what's going on inside my wife's head has proven to be a no win situation.

Sorry this is so long - thanks for reading!