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Thats great. I hope he figures it out and does whats right and owns up to these kids and takes care of it all.

Oddly enough my fiancee who just got out of the army after 15 yrs didnt tell me any of that when I tried to bring this up this morning, just "dont worry honey Ill insure us" and then got a little bit angry for me with me. And changed the subject to coffee. Because that is one of the best subjects ever!! I guess thats what best friends do.

But then I came here cause there was no need to let him know just how much it bothered me. Hes away for work and me and the kids will be catching up with him after the school year comes to a close. I normally would of never came and posted my private things on the internet but I dont want him to feel guilty for being away at a time when I needed to untangle.

At least I know either way that these kids are gonna be fine and I wont have to sell my eggs or anything drastic to afford a new health care plan anytime soon. So thanks for the info. It definately lifts a bit of a weight.

Thank you very much for the replies. While I certainly see the logic in a court order for the visitation and child support, it gets tricky in different states. I have filed for support in two different states but it pretty much sits on a shelf unless I can come up with the money for an attorney to file for it in his state. And the only time he has filed for visitation is when I told him we were moving in with my fiancee in another state and he hustled to file for it and tell me that I couldnt move the kids out of this state (granted he wasnt even in this state) so I moved regardless and called into court on our court day and the judge laughed at us and said there was no way hed take jurisdiction over this one. Told him to refile in our new state that March, the day came and went and nothing happened. Eventually we sat down and had that long talk and agreed that the system isnt user friendly and that as adults we should be able to work these things out. And to our credit there hasnt been any screaming/horrible outloud conflicts since then.

I guess my rant here is more of a Ive bit right thru my tongue and needed someplace to unclench it at sorta thing, because in life I cant do it, I cant have the kids overhear me do it. God knows at the start of this whole mess theyve heard enough. I just couldnt believe he needed me to tell him it was okay to not mention his children after countless arguments where hes thrown being their father in my face, I cant believe I told him it was fine and to do whatever he needed to do to live his life. And I really think I did the right thing even tho theres a part of me that feels disgusted.

Ultimately I know I have to let him choose what kind of relationship he makes with the kids, but its not easy, and hes not in a winnable position. Hes too far away and too far gone. And while Im part to blame for at least a couple of months of no phone contact, and it might not been the best way to deal with it, I needed to step up and say our relationship and this chapter of it is over. I wont tolerate being talked to like that, we can act like friends or business partners but we can not raise kids together if we cant learn how to be pleasant. I just didnt know pleasant would suck too.

And flying sounds exciting to my boy, but it was my daughter who asked why I couldnt come with them again and then burst into tears and later told her father "Mommy wont let me come"... she told me later she didnt want to hurt his feelings. And since Im pretty uncomfortable with it all myself I didnt have much of a problem telling him that he needed to devise a better plan. Im uncomfortable with better plans as well but willing to work with them. And I'm sure its just a disappointment to him because hes heard many stories like yours about children who fly by themselves and are fine, so he probably thinks Im ridiculous and has the hurt feelings to deal with as well. I know I should cut him some slack and let him deal with that. And if it was something I felt was negotiable I would negotiate it, this is where he needs to take a leap of faith, and admit to himself that Im possibly not evil and maybe just a mom, and suck it up and start to devise this better plan. Adding the hurt feelings in there helped to put it into a better perspective, we really do have a hard time remembering that were both just human. But were getting better at it.

Ive contacted their local police and made sure that there hasnt been any domestic violence issues called in for their residence, and his wife has assured me she would never put up with him around her or her kids if he was still a drunk. So I guess Im willing to give him the benifit of the doubt there, its not an easy leap of faith to make. But you made a wonderful point. He cant possibly screw them up forever in the matter of a few days. If he does still get mean drunk, and does it in front of the kids, then I will work with it from there. But I cant say for certain which way it will go, and uncertainness is scary. Especially when your babies are involved, but I guess thats part of having them growing up and letting go a little bit. And the visit went fantastic for them all the last time, and thats a good start.

And thank you so much for the insight on stepmothers. I will try to give her the benefit of the doubt too although Im quite sure she is doing exactly what women do as far as trying to push my buttons. But if shes good to my kids thats what counts. I still think he could take the two seconds to sign his own name to cards, and Ive told him not to be a knucklehead and send something for each of the kids on holidays. But Mist is right, its not my job to make sure hes a better father. Having someone the children barely know step up to the plate to be a better father for him doesnt seem right to me though. Its one of those things I have to keep to myself unless a real problem arises from it I guess, and as a crazy birth mother thats a tough job too!

And thanks for letting me have this little bit of space to sort through all of this. I will still secretly fantazise about the day when I no longer have to bite my tongue or discuss anything with this man at all. And I will still always probably wonder what the hell made him such a knucklehead. And I will still try to foster this bond against my better judgement. A good compromise leaves everyone unhappy, right?

Wow, I feel like Ive written an entire novel today. Kudos to anyone who actually reads thru this whole thing!

Ref, I know youre having a tough time with a crazy birth mother and rebellious teenager stepdaughter atm, keep your chin up. My mom gave me a little parenting tip book when I had my son, it was silly really, but one page has stuck with me and helped on a few occasions. "When all else fails console yourself with 'its just a phase'" And teenagerdom sure is, and a hard one at that, even without a crazy mom around, she'll outgrow it and grow up to appreciate the efforts you both have put forth and concern youve shown.

Goodbye for now and take care!
Lexi

Im posting this here because we're (I'm?) having issues with our childrens father and I would actually appreciate an unattached males perspective, since Im pretty sure sometimes Im dealing with an entirely different species sometimes.

Some background ~ we were together for about ten years and ended it when our children were ages 3 and 5. Our relationship was much worse than the ending of the relationship but even that has been pretty ugly. He was a drunk and I was an asshole and nobodys perfect. But I have tried against my better judgement to foster bonds between him and the children.

The children are now 10 and 8, and in the past 4 years he has seen the children once, he hasnt paid support up untill last August and its not court mandated. At best its 100 dollars every two weeks, if that. We live on opposite ends of the country so there is no parenting plan entered under our divorce either. We kept up with weekend phonecalls untill he started calling drunk in the middle of the night to fight with me over the phone, at which point I unplugged the phone for an awfully long time till guilt got the best of me and I said send the kids phone cards and theyll call you on the weekends. It worked perfectly till it was more of a fight to get the kids to call him and I broke and gave him the new number and told him to start calling again and not to abuse that privallege. So were being civil and thats wonderful, and the kids are more apt to talk to him when he calls instead of me telling them they have to call him. Last August he bought the three of us plane tickets and we flew across the country, he paid for my hotel room while he kept the children for about five days and they had a fantastic time. I thought it was a pretty good initiative, we had a long talk and shortly after he started sending some money and even went so far as to get the kids insurance.

In the mean while in both of our personal lives he has gotten remarried and inherited two step children, I have gotten engaged to a non drinker and hes wonderful with the kids.

So I talk to him last night and he informs me that he is looking into joining the navy, but he can only walk in the door with three dependants so he didnt tell the recruiter that he has real kids of his own elsewhere because its her kids he can now claim on his taxes. Which means the kids health insurance is gonna be gone again. Child support is dwindling again. His new wife is the one that sends out cards most of the times.... this woman who has met my children twice has the audacity to speak about love and missing my kids, and signs it for both of them... for easter he at least signed his own cards to them but sent one (small) box of chocolates... for two... kids.  Now Im trying really hard to believe that she just wants to fit into his life and she thinks shes doing a great thing by sending the kids these little notes, or shes just trying to get a reaction out of me. Either way Ive kept the fact that it drives me insane to myself for the most part. Hell maybe its even good for the kids to believe that they have a new stepmommy that loves them awfully much. I know absolutely nothing about stepparents, my parents are going on their 43rd year. But I do know that you dont automatically fall in love with other peoples children, and that she has had zero time to build that relationship. And Im starting to question what kind of relationship phones and cards and the occasional present is anyways. And I have no idea how to make it better. And I have no idea how to not be furious inside that he calls and wants me to tell him that its okay to publicly deny his children. Im sick of playing nice.

A hundred thousand times in the past ten years Ive thought that this man is an idiot and is contributing nothing to the welfare/wellbeing of these kids, and just when I thought I had stuck it out long enough to see it start to get better I get slapped in the face with this. I ask him for his opinion on matters concerning the children and he has none, I tell them about how great theyre doing on report cards/in gifted classes and he has nothing to say. I got a letter from my kids school because he was talking about how his dad let him play grand theft auto and when I told him that that was inappropriate for the kids he made it a point to send grand theft auto for a christmas present, and thats just one of the many negative idiotic things hes done with his 'Im the father' hat on, and its my best example of how not helpful he has been and he throws a fit because I refuse to send  them across the country by themselves, if even he came here and flew with them, thats fine. Theyre little yet tho and flying and big airports are scary scary scary. I have went so far to offer that he and his wife could stay with us and fly up to see them, so far theyve declined, but I really think if his relationship with these kids was so important to him he would fight harder, try harder. Think a little more responsible. And Im reasonable, I understand money is hard, I understand starting a new life with a ready made family has to be a bit strenuous, I hope he is happy foreverafter. But I just wish he would be a dad, or not be a dad, instead of this in between bs and these constant threats about how hes the father and he has rights when realistically Ive been filling in the roles for both of us all along.  
Ive read all these websites on the importance of fathers and the whining of how horrible child support is, so I think this boy has had it pretty easy so far. I feel like a doormat, I feel like my kids are getting shafted and it makes me angry in ways I havent learned words for. I have no idea how to discuss this with him without it bursting out into obscenities and moving backwards to the bitterness we finally left behind(or managed to hide very well). And all I really wanna do is move and change our names and phone numbers and forget him and all the complications he creates. How do I know at which point the weight of all this unhealthy is greater than the weight of unhealthy fatherless lives or do I just fume in silence till theyre 18 and write him off then as far as Im concerned and the children can decide for themselves? Father or not, do I seriously have to let them fly all the way out there without me to see a man theyve seen 1 time in the past four years, a man who could still possibly be drunk, a man who blatantly ignores limits I have set for the kids, like what video games they should be playing? I sure as hell dont feel comfortable with it, I dont trust him on so many levels. Fighting over it isnt whats best for these kids. But Im not sure sending them over there is whats best for these kids either. Im lost.
I guess I dont need a forum so much as a therapist, but thanks for letting me rant here guys.