Some advice please

[Lexiannae]

Im posting this here because we're (I'm?) having issues with our childrens father and I would actually appreciate an unattached males perspective, since Im pretty sure sometimes Im dealing with an entirely different species sometimes.

Some background ~ we were together for about ten years and ended it when our children were ages 3 and 5. Our relationship was much worse than the ending of the relationship but even that has been pretty ugly. He was a drunk and I was an asshole and nobodys perfect. But I have tried against my better judgement to foster bonds between him and the children.

The children are now 10 and 8, and in the past 4 years he has seen the children once, he hasnt paid support up untill last August and its not court mandated. At best its 100 dollars every two weeks, if that. We live on opposite ends of the country so there is no parenting plan entered under our divorce either. We kept up with weekend phonecalls untill he started calling drunk in the middle of the night to fight with me over the phone, at which point I unplugged the phone for an awfully long time till guilt got the best of me and I said send the kids phone cards and theyll call you on the weekends. It worked perfectly till it was more of a fight to get the kids to call him and I broke and gave him the new number and told him to start calling again and not to abuse that privallege. So were being civil and thats wonderful, and the kids are more apt to talk to him when he calls instead of me telling them they have to call him. Last August he bought the three of us plane tickets and we flew across the country, he paid for my hotel room while he kept the children for about five days and they had a fantastic time. I thought it was a pretty good initiative, we had a long talk and shortly after he started sending some money and even went so far as to get the kids insurance.

In the mean while in both of our personal lives he has gotten remarried and inherited two step children, I have gotten engaged to a non drinker and hes wonderful with the kids.

So I talk to him last night and he informs me that he is looking into joining the navy, but he can only walk in the door with three dependants so he didnt tell the recruiter that he has real kids of his own elsewhere because its her kids he can now claim on his taxes. Which means the kids health insurance is gonna be gone again. Child support is dwindling again. His new wife is the one that sends out cards most of the times.... this woman who has met my children twice has the audacity to speak about love and missing my kids, and signs it for both of them... for easter he at least signed his own cards to them but sent one (small) box of chocolates... for two... kids.  Now Im trying really hard to believe that she just wants to fit into his life and she thinks shes doing a great thing by sending the kids these little notes, or shes just trying to get a reaction out of me. Either way Ive kept the fact that it drives me insane to myself for the most part. Hell maybe its even good for the kids to believe that they have a new stepmommy that loves them awfully much. I know absolutely nothing about stepparents, my parents are going on their 43rd year. But I do know that you dont automatically fall in love with other peoples children, and that she has had zero time to build that relationship. And Im starting to question what kind of relationship phones and cards and the occasional present is anyways. And I have no idea how to make it better. And I have no idea how to not be furious inside that he calls and wants me to tell him that its okay to publicly deny his children. Im sick of playing nice.

A hundred thousand times in the past ten years Ive thought that this man is an idiot and is contributing nothing to the welfare/wellbeing of these kids, and just when I thought I had stuck it out long enough to see it start to get better I get slapped in the face with this. I ask him for his opinion on matters concerning the children and he has none, I tell them about how great theyre doing on report cards/in gifted classes and he has nothing to say. I got a letter from my kids school because he was talking about how his dad let him play grand theft auto and when I told him that that was inappropriate for the kids he made it a point to send grand theft auto for a christmas present, and thats just one of the many negative idiotic things hes done with his 'Im the father' hat on, and its my best example of how not helpful he has been and he throws a fit because I refuse to send  them across the country by themselves, if even he came here and flew with them, thats fine. Theyre little yet tho and flying and big airports are scary scary scary. I have went so far to offer that he and his wife could stay with us and fly up to see them, so far theyve declined, but I really think if his relationship with these kids was so important to him he would fight harder, try harder. Think a little more responsible. And Im reasonable, I understand money is hard, I understand starting a new life with a ready made family has to be a bit strenuous, I hope he is happy foreverafter. But I just wish he would be a dad, or not be a dad, instead of this in between bs and these constant threats about how hes the father and he has rights when realistically Ive been filling in the roles for both of us all along.  
Ive read all these websites on the importance of fathers and the whining of how horrible child support is, so I think this boy has had it pretty easy so far. I feel like a doormat, I feel like my kids are getting shafted and it makes me angry in ways I havent learned words for. I have no idea how to discuss this with him without it bursting out into obscenities and moving backwards to the bitterness we finally left behind(or managed to hide very well). And all I really wanna do is move and change our names and phone numbers and forget him and all the complications he creates. How do I know at which point the weight of all this unhealthy is greater than the weight of unhealthy fatherless lives or do I just fume in silence till theyre 18 and write him off then as far as Im concerned and the children can decide for themselves? Father or not, do I seriously have to let them fly all the way out there without me to see a man theyve seen 1 time in the past four years, a man who could still possibly be drunk, a man who blatantly ignores limits I have set for the kids, like what video games they should be playing? I sure as hell dont feel comfortable with it, I dont trust him on so many levels. Fighting over it isnt whats best for these kids. But Im not sure sending them over there is whats best for these kids either. Im lost.
I guess I dont need a forum so much as a therapist, but thanks for letting me rant here guys.

[mistoffolees]

You need to get an attorney and file for appropriate support. The fact that support was never entered originally is not any excuse.

And he doesn't get out of his responsibilities by simply lying to the Navy about the number of kids he has.

Finally, your ex's relationship with the kids isn't your responsibility. Your job is to make the kids available for a reasonable parenting plan (I would suggest that you propose one when you file for support). If he chooses not to exercise his parenting plan, it's not your problem and you shouldn't try to force him to be a better parent. The parenting plan should address issues like who pays for transportation and what age they need to be before they can fly alone.

You're making your own life difficult by not having any rules to go by. Get a parenting plan and support orders in place and then you'll have a road map. It will make everyone's life much easier.

[Ref]

My advice is to get CS established and visitation. It really isn't your call to let BF slide on the CS. It isn't your money to let him keep. Also, you seem to know that you have emotional issues that might keep you from doing the best for your kids. This makes for poor decision making when it comes to visitation and you should have a third party help you out with that one too.

I also have to let you know that flying is not that big of a deal for kids. They will feel stress about it if they think it upsets you, otherwise it is no big deal. SD has been flying since she was 6 by herself. She was an unaccompanied minor until she was 15. A flight attendent was always with her and there have been no major issues. SD actually brags about how much she flies. I know you have a problem with sending them to him after not seeing him for a while. I can understand that. Maybe you can invite your ex to come down for a few days and fly back with them , to show them the ropes. Then they can try to fly on their own.

I also grew-up flying to see my dad. I lived in NY and he lived in London. I think it actually gave me a healthy interest in traveling and I am not scared at all to take a trip on my own.

When it comes to his parenting skills, you need to ask yourself how much damage will he do in the little period of time he is with the kids. I think GTA is not at all for kids and that it was inappropriate for them to play it, but ultimately I don't think they will suffer and mental issues over it. I believe there is a way to play it where it is less bloody as well.

His drinking may or may not be an issue. I guess you have to talk with him regularly, not about that but so that you can gauge how he is doing with his drinking. You have to know though that unless you have proof, chances are the court will grant him visitation and will not take that into account, so you need to get some comfort for your own sake.

What I guess my advice is about that is, unless you have concerns about abuse and I mean REAL concerns, you need to start trusting that he will step up to the plate when he is with them. He will not distroy them by feeding them icecream after 6pm and he will not corrupt them. You have raised them and you are the primary determinant on how they will turn out.

About Sm's. I am a SM. I grew up with two step parents. Our roles are very very tricky. My Sd and I have always been close when she is here. She used to IM me when her mom wasn't home and email me. She and I would talk on the phone. When her mom found out that we had a good relationship and talked, BM took it away. She didn't allow any communication between me and her because she "Had to" let DH talk to her but she didn't "Have to" let me talk to SD. It made me sad. I always assumed that the more love a child could get, the better. SD was told not to contact my family and if she wasn't told it was made perfectly clear that it wasn't welcomed. I don't think it is in the best interest of the kid to take away people who love them or are trying to love them. I understand how uncomfortable it is for you, but it shouldn't be uncomfortable for the kids.

I do a lot for DH. I guess it is part of being a wife. He loves his daughter so much but it is all but paralysing when you live so far away and have no real way to be part of your kid's life. It is terrible. Sometimes SMs step up and act as a emotional guide dog for our DH's. It may be taken that DH doesn't care enough to do it himself, but at least in my case that is not true. He has a very hard time emotionally with the loss of his daughter. Think of it this way, your ex knows that if you wanted, you could move and change numbers and it would be difficult to find you. He knows that if you are mad at him all you need to do to take the kids away from him is to unplug a phone. It is emotional torture. I think it is quite natural to shut off the pain by numbing yourself. The problem is, everytime you contact the kids it is like you relive it over and over.

I guess that is all I have to say. There are so many emotions in this. It is really hard to imagine why the other people do what they do. Come back here and ask what we think and you might be amazed at how something you think makes no sense actually could be reasonable.

Best wishes to you and your family
Ref

[Kitty C.]

This is from a CP who put her son on a plane by himself every summer and EO X-mas..........

At the ages of 10 and 8 they are legally allowed to fly by themselves.  And regardless of all the 'terror' in the world, flying is still the safest way transportation by the numbers and the safeguards and regulations imposed by not only the airlines themselves but also the FAA, I feel that it is completely safe for kids to fly alone.  In fact, I truly believe that it was a huge self-esteem and self-confidence booster for my son.  The regulations required for a child to fly UM are VERY strict.  And when DS arrived at his destination, we had a list of every attendant who has responsibility of him.

DS started flying UM (unaccompanied minor) when he was 6 years old, in 1995.  Guidelines required non-stop flights until age 8, but we extended that to 9, as DS was/is ADHD.  When DS was 13, he flew out to CA from IA to spend summer with his dad.......two weeks later his dad was diagnosed with liver CA and died 3 weeks after that.  I flew out to be with DS but mainly to accompany him home.  While changing planes in DIA, HE was showing ME around!

DS flew alone for 7 years and even though he was severe ADHD then, there was never any incidences or cause of concern.  We flew him predominantly United, but all the regulations on UM's are pretty much identical throughout the industry, since I believe they established by the FAA.

So if you have any concerns about kids flying, I strongly recommend you talk to other parents who have done it and talk to the airlines about their regulations before you make any plans or come to any conclusions.  Get all the info before you make any decisions...then you'll know if you're doing what's best for your kids.

[Lexiannae]

Thank you very much for the replies. While I certainly see the logic in a court order for the visitation and child support, it gets tricky in different states. I have filed for support in two different states but it pretty much sits on a shelf unless I can come up with the money for an attorney to file for it in his state. And the only time he has filed for visitation is when I told him we were moving in with my fiancee in another state and he hustled to file for it and tell me that I couldnt move the kids out of this state (granted he wasnt even in this state) so I moved regardless and called into court on our court day and the judge laughed at us and said there was no way hed take jurisdiction over this one. Told him to refile in our new state that March, the day came and went and nothing happened. Eventually we sat down and had that long talk and agreed that the system isnt user friendly and that as adults we should be able to work these things out. And to our credit there hasnt been any screaming/horrible outloud conflicts since then.

I guess my rant here is more of a Ive bit right thru my tongue and needed someplace to unclench it at sorta thing, because in life I cant do it, I cant have the kids overhear me do it. God knows at the start of this whole mess theyve heard enough. I just couldnt believe he needed me to tell him it was okay to not mention his children after countless arguments where hes thrown being their father in my face, I cant believe I told him it was fine and to do whatever he needed to do to live his life. And I really think I did the right thing even tho theres a part of me that feels disgusted.

Ultimately I know I have to let him choose what kind of relationship he makes with the kids, but its not easy, and hes not in a winnable position. Hes too far away and too far gone. And while Im part to blame for at least a couple of months of no phone contact, and it might not been the best way to deal with it, I needed to step up and say our relationship and this chapter of it is over. I wont tolerate being talked to like that, we can act like friends or business partners but we can not raise kids together if we cant learn how to be pleasant. I just didnt know pleasant would suck too.

And flying sounds exciting to my boy, but it was my daughter who asked why I couldnt come with them again and then burst into tears and later told her father "Mommy wont let me come"... she told me later she didnt want to hurt his feelings. And since Im pretty uncomfortable with it all myself I didnt have much of a problem telling him that he needed to devise a better plan. Im uncomfortable with better plans as well but willing to work with them. And I'm sure its just a disappointment to him because hes heard many stories like yours about children who fly by themselves and are fine, so he probably thinks Im ridiculous and has the hurt feelings to deal with as well. I know I should cut him some slack and let him deal with that. And if it was something I felt was negotiable I would negotiate it, this is where he needs to take a leap of faith, and admit to himself that Im possibly not evil and maybe just a mom, and suck it up and start to devise this better plan. Adding the hurt feelings in there helped to put it into a better perspective, we really do have a hard time remembering that were both just human. But were getting better at it.

Ive contacted their local police and made sure that there hasnt been any domestic violence issues called in for their residence, and his wife has assured me she would never put up with him around her or her kids if he was still a drunk. So I guess Im willing to give him the benifit of the doubt there, its not an easy leap of faith to make. But you made a wonderful point. He cant possibly screw them up forever in the matter of a few days. If he does still get mean drunk, and does it in front of the kids, then I will work with it from there. But I cant say for certain which way it will go, and uncertainness is scary. Especially when your babies are involved, but I guess thats part of having them growing up and letting go a little bit. And the visit went fantastic for them all the last time, and thats a good start.

And thank you so much for the insight on stepmothers. I will try to give her the benefit of the doubt too although Im quite sure she is doing exactly what women do as far as trying to push my buttons. But if shes good to my kids thats what counts. I still think he could take the two seconds to sign his own name to cards, and Ive told him not to be a knucklehead and send something for each of the kids on holidays. But Mist is right, its not my job to make sure hes a better father. Having someone the children barely know step up to the plate to be a better father for him doesnt seem right to me though. Its one of those things I have to keep to myself unless a real problem arises from it I guess, and as a crazy birth mother thats a tough job too!

And thanks for letting me have this little bit of space to sort through all of this. I will still secretly fantazise about the day when I no longer have to bite my tongue or discuss anything with this man at all. And I will still always probably wonder what the hell made him such a knucklehead. And I will still try to foster this bond against my better judgement. A good compromise leaves everyone unhappy, right?

Wow, I feel like Ive written an entire novel today. Kudos to anyone who actually reads thru this whole thing!

Ref, I know youre having a tough time with a crazy birth mother and rebellious teenager stepdaughter atm, keep your chin up. My mom gave me a little parenting tip book when I had my son, it was silly really, but one page has stuck with me and helped on a few occasions. "When all else fails console yourself with 'its just a phase'" And teenagerdom sure is, and a hard one at that, even without a crazy mom around, she'll outgrow it and grow up to appreciate the efforts you both have put forth and concern youve shown.

Goodbye for now and take care!
Lexi

[mistoffolees]

>This is from a CP who put her son on a plane by himself every
>summer and EO X-mas..........
>
>At the ages of 10 and 8 they are legally allowed to fly by
>themselves.  And regardless of all the 'terror' in the world,
>flying is still the safest way transportation by the numbers
>and the safeguards and regulations imposed by not only the
>airlines themselves but also the FAA, I feel that it is
>completely safe for kids to fly alone.  In fact, I truly
>believe that it was a huge self-esteem and self-confidence
>booster for my son.  The regulations required for a child to
>fly UM are VERY strict.  And when DS arrived at his
>destination, we had a list of every attendant who has
>responsibility of him.
>
>DS started flying UM (unaccompanied minor) when he was 6 years
>old, in 1995.  Guidelines required non-stop flights until age
>8, but we extended that to 9, as DS was/is ADHD.  When DS was
>13, he flew out to CA from IA to spend summer with his
>dad.......two weeks later his dad was diagnosed with liver CA
>and died 3 weeks after that.  I flew out to be with DS but
>mainly to accompany him home.  While changing planes in DIA,
>HE was showing ME around!
>
>DS flew alone for 7 years and even though he was severe ADHD
>then, there was never any incidences or cause of concern.  We
>flew him predominantly United, but all the regulations on UM's
>are pretty much identical throughout the industry, since I
>believe they established by the FAA.
>
>So if you have any concerns about kids flying, I strongly
>recommend you talk to other parents who have done it and talk
>to the airlines about their regulations before you make any
>plans or come to any conclusions.  Get all the info before you
>make any decisions...then you'll know if you're doing what's
>best for your kids.

Personally, I recommend holding off on solo travel for kids as long as possible. My SDs used to travel solo from about the age of 13 (flying as unaccompanied minors with airline supervision). My experience based on that and on my own travels at 100,000 miles per year:

1. While the airlines are quite careful in making sure that they check the paperwork, they no longer have an employee sitting next to the kid(s) all the time. Instead, they put a nametag around their neck, get them seated and tell them not to get up until a flight attendant helps them. While in flight, they're not supervised (although the flight attendants do check on them occasionally). If they have a problem, they could get pretty scared.

2. Connections are a real problem. Do everything you can to get them on a nonstop. Air travel today has become a crap-shoot. Flights get canceled whenever the weather gets threatening (thanks to airline passenger bill of rights). Delays are very common, causing missed flights. NEVER put them on the last flight of the day - better to fly them early in the morning.

3. When there IS a problem, it can be a big one. When our girls were 15 and 16, they had a flight canceled at the end of the day and were told that they'd have to spend the night in the airport (they were old enough to be on their own rather than escorted). It took me 2 hours of phone calls to everyone I could track down without success in getting them supervised. Finally, one of the flight attendants felt sorry for them and let them sleep in her hotel room. IMHO, the airline should never have abandoned 15 and 16 year old girls to sleep in the airport.

While you're correct that the risk of harm is small, there is still a very real risk. If you can't help it, fly them early in the day and on non-stops if you can. Other than that, it's still preferable for an adult to go along. For my sake, my daughter won't be flying by herself for a long time.

Just my $0.02.

[MixedBag]

About dependents and the navy....

If there is a divorce and the recruiter asks "How many dependents do you have?"  Those children don't count unless he has primary residential custody of the kids.

For tri-care down the road, actually from DAY 1 he's in training, he can claim those children as dependents in order to get them health insurance.

United Concordia for dental insurance is the same.

Dependents in the military have a different definition.

Since you are their primary care taker, for enlistment purposes -- recruiter questions, they are NOT his dependents.  

But for everything else, they are.  (Like SGLI benefits, emergency notification card).

Retired military here -- dealt with those questions on a daily basis since EX#1 is also military

[Lexiannae]

Thats great. I hope he figures it out and does whats right and owns up to these kids and takes care of it all.

Oddly enough my fiancee who just got out of the army after 15 yrs didnt tell me any of that when I tried to bring this up this morning, just "dont worry honey Ill insure us" and then got a little bit angry for me with me. And changed the subject to coffee. Because that is one of the best subjects ever!! I guess thats what best friends do.

But then I came here cause there was no need to let him know just how much it bothered me. Hes away for work and me and the kids will be catching up with him after the school year comes to a close. I normally would of never came and posted my private things on the internet but I dont want him to feel guilty for being away at a time when I needed to untangle.

At least I know either way that these kids are gonna be fine and I wont have to sell my eggs or anything drastic to afford a new health care plan anytime soon. So thanks for the info. It definately lifts a bit of a weight.

[MixedBag]

Once he's in -- YOU can bring it up to him.

If he's on the birth certificate, then he can insure them.

And Tri-Care is free.

And the Dental program is almost free.  If he has other dependents, then adding the kids doesn't cost him more.

And IF your boyfriend (like after you marry and they are his dependents too because they are your dependents), can provide health insurance as well, I recommend that.

Tri-Care has "funky rules" for using providers, and when another health insurance is available, you follow their rules, not Tri-Care.  But medical for active duty dependents under tri-care is 100% covered.

Dental -- bit different, there are co-pays under the active duty program.  That's why I say pick up another insurance too if it doesn't cost much.  Between the two, dental will almost be free.

Eye glasses are not covered -- yeppers you read right.  Eye exams for glasses are, but not for contacts.

Perscriptions are also separate.  Active duty dependents can get meds free if filled on base/post.   Otherwise, at a pharmacy, co-pays are $3 or $9 (and some higher).  By having 2 insurances, even the co-pays can go away.