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Thank you for the encouraging words Giggles... 11 years!!!  I didn't even know how to use the internet 11 years ago.

I'm female, born & raised.  I admit I chose the name Chaucer (my dog's name) to try to neutralize my gender, but I never knowingly checked any box saying I was male.  I just now went into my profile changed it to female, & I can tell you I have never been in that screen before.  Maybe the default is male.

I have never been in a custody battle (thank God), but I've been exposed to a lot of the fall-out from them.  My first experience was as a 14 year-old when my mom & dad announced they were getting divorced.  I was the oldest of four children.  The other kids were too young to have any say about custody, but I was of age to decide... Ya know how judges like to keep the kids together???  Well, what that means is that a 14-year-old gets to pick which parent gets custody of 4 kids!  Oh Boy!!!  I got attention like I'd never gotten before.

I also got to experience what "visitation" is like in a tiny 1-bedroom apartment with four kids sitting around the coffee table "visiting" with a depressed mom who felt betrayed.  After almost a year mom & dad decided to give it another go, so things worked out OK.  But that "choice" remained a part of me... & of my relationship with my mom.

As an adult my main experience has been as an observer & confidante of friends in horrible custody battles & of parents losing their relationship with their kids.  My gut's been wrenched a few times.  I started off doing research for others & developed an interest from there.

I've done huge amounts of reading on the subject, from both points of view... & have taken several mediation classes.  I already have a primary career but would like to try volunteer domestic-relations mediation on the side.  I also have another project in mind but there's not enuf space here to start writing about that.

My views are conflicted, but overall I advocate rebuttable presumptions of joint custody; I don't believe in "sole custody" unless one parent is unfit or unless they both agree to it.  On the other hand... as a female I have tremendous emphathy for fit moms of  small children or infants who lose custody.  Sometimes my empathies get in the way of my perspective.

Re "I hope they can work out a good parenting arrangement when they break up"... What am I basing my opinion on?:    
Part wild guess & part the foundation that their relationship seems to be built on.  Like you said, rebound & an attempt at a replacement family.  It just sounds too desperate, & she sounds too messed up.  I would love to be wrong.  

I don't know what state you or she lives in.  Some states actively encourage joint custody; some don't.  If they do break up wouldn't it be nice if they could agree on joint custody & maintain it.  

Meanwhile, custody or not, I hope she can get a sense of responsibility with her first two kids.  Of more immediate concern... I hope she can handle the 5 weeks this summer... & that the summer draws the kids & their mom closer together.  

The subject of custody battles is a very emotionally charged one.  I can't believe I zero'd in on it for my first blogging experience.  I wonder if I should find something mellower like interior decorating or how to cook meatloaf without onions or something.

OK, well this puts a different tone on the picture.  For some reason I got the impression that you snatched the kids out of the car on their way TO visitiation.  I mis-read it.  Sorry bout that.  I wish you & your kids well.  I also wish mom & her new baby & baby's dad well.  I hope they can work out a good parenting arrangement when they break up.  

Being on the losing end of a long custody battle can bring out the worst in parents, especially if they were primary custodians or caregivers & get it taken away.  It can turn even functioning people into messes who can't see straight or think straight.  Mom is not going to suddenly be at her best two weeks after losing custody.  Someday when she regains some clarity she's gonna have lots of regrets.  I hope it won't come too late.  

I assume most of the people responding to you have been following your story for awhile.  I'm not only new to this blog, I'm new to blogs period.  Last nite was the first time I ever made any blog entry... ever!  I lead a very mellow life.  I didn't know I was capable of pissing people off... Blogging is certainly stimulating.  My "gut reaction" was what caused me to make my first blog response to you last night.  I can already tell I've gotta be careful not to get addicted to this stuff --- Best of luck greatdad!  Your kids are lucky to have a dad who loves them so much.

When I first read this I thought – "what's wrong with this dad?!"... The child stays with you 28 days out of 30; it makes more sense that the toys & stuff should go to your house... & garbage bags are what the average person would put it in.  Mom shouldn't have to keep five big bags of stuff when she only has the kids 2 days a month.  A few toys will do.  The next logical step is for her to give it to Goodwill, & the kids will have picked up from your cues to be devestated by it.  Your kids are very likely getting their interpretations of their mom from your over-reactions.  

As a dad, you've probably heard the horror stories of self-righteous custodial moms who fiercely "protect" their kids from dad.  The moms are tuned-in to his every flaw & blunder.  The more the kids learn to see the jerk within their dad, the more uncomfortable they are with him, & the worse he becomes as a dad.  

Being "in-the-right" doesn't mean you're doing the right thing.  Your righteous indignation was wrong.  Grabbing the kids out of the car & refusing to let them visit their mom when they barely get to see her at all...  The kids didn't need to know that what mom did was an insult.  Why not emphasize how mom drove all that way just to see them.  Emphasize how she wants them to have their toys.  YOU were the one who made a scene in front of the kids.  You have a lot of power.  You can make your kids nervous wrecks at the thought of seeing their mom.  

If mom does something directly harmful to the children, then protect them.  But if its some stupid gesture of bitterness aimed at you, then often you can protect your children better by showing proactive diplomacy.  Choose your battles.  

Let the kids know that this is a very hard time for their mom, & that she loves them... even when she goofs up.  There are lots of books out there that discuss communication with a bitter EX.  I recommend "Custody Chaos, Personal Peace" by Jeffrey P. Wittmann.