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Yes, I had the ability to leave and did... all I was saying that a baby doesn't have that ability... so if left alone with him... has no say in what happens or what it is subjected to....

It just seemed like 4honor was making statements based on things that were never even said or issues that were never even addressed... such as him thinking I'm only offering days/times when he is unavailable.... when that never happened at all. Or that he is just scared of being viewed as a wallet.... when money/child support was never even mentioned. Or telling me I won't have medical insurance without even knowing who I'll even be employed by.

I mean..... this person doesn't know anything about the situation other than the little that I've posted on here.... so for her to make such assumptions just seems a little.... well like I said, not helpful. Though I'll say, it is possible I just read things wrong... or read too much into them.

I could type on and on about how the baby's father is not behaving like an adult.... and how I have tried to reason with him..... not only would I sound like a broken record... but the bottom line is you guys are ALL right..... I just need to do the things I've been told to do in order to minimize such instances.

Yes, I could have handled things better in the past. Yes, it takes two to fight. I have realized this. And when I make an honest effort to keep things calm, reasonable, rational, and fair..... and get the kind of response I get.... it just gets frustrating.

"Unfortunately, the lawyer/court thing IS a necessary evil when the parents cannot talk civilly and agree on things."
Agreed. That's pretty much what I said.... or tried to say........ it's not a necessary evil UNLESS people want to make it one. If people are willing to work with each other, they make make their own arrangements... that's all I meant.

"Also, those of us who have had ex's or our dh's have had ex's who have used the welfare system for support rather than getting a job and supporting themselves have a really bad taste in our mouths about that."

-This is another assumption. Until she knows that that is what I plan to do...... she shouldn't try to criticize me for it. That's the same as you telling me to keep my emotions out of it and be objective. Just because she has dealt with people in the past who have done this, doesn't mean I am one of them or that she has to get worked up about it with me. Especially when it wasn't even a point of topic.

Furthermore, I have never been nor plan to be on welfare. The only reason I'm not currently working is because I was in college when I found out I was pregnant. I was going for writing. And would still have to complete 2 more years to get a degree. So... I decided to go for medical transcription instead to make sure that I COULD get a decent paying job much sooner to take care of my child WITHOUT expecting a free handout. I WANT to work. I figured this job would be good because I wouldn't have to stick my child in daycare with strangers.... but I'd still be making an honest living.

"in her experience, those jobs don't pay health insurance & can't meet the medical bills of the magnitute that pregnancy, childbirth and early childhood appointments will incur."
Her experience in those jobs must be minimal or none then.... because medical transcription people ARE employed by a company, hospital, or doctor's office and they DO pay health insurance. My mom works in a hospital (medical records office) making 10 dollars an hour. She said all the transcription people work from home and make a lot more than she does. And there's no reason I can't get a part time job if need be.

Also some people DO just need extra need help. It IS possible to work, just as hard as yourselves, and still not make quite enough to make ends meat. I see nothing wrong with them getting assistance. Should people be able to just pop out kids and get a free ride? No. But they also shouldn't be judged just because they DO receive some aid. Not saying that you WERE judging them. Just expressing my opinions on the subject.

Anyways, even if we don't agree on everything, thanks for taking the time to read and respond! It is always helpful to hear different opinions/perspectives... and I'm sure I will take away good things from it!

I'm sorry, but I disagree. I don't feel we are on equal footing right now at all. For someone to smoke pot around a pregnant woman and not understand why she wouldn't want to be there shows that he doesn't grasp the seriousness of the situation. A baby doesn't have the ability to say "I don't wanna be around this" and leave.

Yes, we all make mistakes and can look back and realize we should have handled things differently. (Obviously myself included.) But we don't all throw things at people (Which he has done to me. While pregnant I might add.), kick things, punch things, etc. This is behavior that continues. HIS friends are telling me that he's only getting worse and that THEY don't think he should be left alone with a child either.

I really don't see why supervised visits are too much to ask for. He meets the criteria for requesting supervised visits.... Substance abuse, violent outbursts, parenting concerns, mental instability....

I'm sure the mental illness is documented somewhere.... as is his substance abuse history via his criminal record.

Also, I've not mentioned child support once in my posts. Nor have I to him. So...... I don't really see your point there. When he says "I'm going to take you to court" I hear.... "This is how I'm going to be spiteful. And this is how I'm going to get you on the phone." I've given him no reason to take me to court. Asking him to give me space instead of fighting with me... that's hardly a reason.

And no offense, but you don't seem to know what you are talking about in terms of a medical transcription job. It is not at all what you described. I personally know people who do this. It does not become any type of running around or picking up forms. It is simply typing stuff up and putting it into the system. It is also not dependent on experience level... you either have the degree for it or you don't. It is also different than self employment. You still work FOR the place. And get all the benefits of doing so.

I will be able to complete about half of the schooling while pregnant. They allow you to go back at a later date to finish the rest. Until then, I have the support of my parents and can get a part time job now to have some money saved up for when the baby arrives.... would have gotten one sooner but couldn't due to medical issues.

I also disagree with your take on court. The lawyer/court thing is NOT a necessary evil. Unless people want to make it one.  This is a baby... a person. Not an object. But hey let's fight over it like it's the last piece of pizza and use it to get what we want. I never once said I didn't want him to be a part of his child's life or would ever try to keep him from it. I just want to make sure my baby is safe. And if I'm wrong for that, then I guess I'm wrong.

Plus I like how you KNOW what he is thinking. "Think about it from his perspective. He thinks you are only trying to offer him time when he can't spend any awake time with the child. What good is that? You might as well be telling him to kick rocks as far as he is concerned." ...Because you know his work schedule, what has and hasn't been offered, and what goes on in his head?

I HAVE tried to think about it from his perspective which is why I NEVER mentioned child support, NEVER said I would try to keep him from the kid, NEVER insulted his new job as a waiter, and said I would NEVER say anything bad about him in front of the child.

But really... I don't owe him anything right now. HE had the opportunity to be there and wasn't. So now, If he is not willing to cooperate and talk to me in a civil tone and like an adult... but rather just threaten me, insult me, and blame me for HIS actions (After all it's my fault he's an alocholic)... why should I continue talking to him? That's just like pouring salt in a wound. Doesn't make anything better. Only worse.  And I don't want to have a miscarriage because I'm upset over arguments that don't even need to occur.

I sound young? YOU just sound like you WANT to be wise beyond your years. Now I can take some constructive criticism.... but...... saying things like "or are you planning on using America's hard earned tax dollars to support your child?" is just insulting and not helpful.

I know!!! You are right!!! It's just so frustrating!!!

I asked him to keep in touch through email.... he refused that.
So all I can do is what you said......
Stay calm. Stay focused. And concenrate on my own actions.

"The thing to remember is to ensure YOUR actions are not "RE-actions" " - That's a great way of putting it!

Thanks again for the advice!!!

So I get a text message from the baby's father saying I have mail at his house (Used his address for medicaid - big mistake I know.). To which I simply replied 'ok'.

About three or four days later, I get a voicemail from him saying that since I didn't go pick up the mail (which he never asked me to do nor offered to drop it off here),  he opened it.

I sent him a message stating that it is a federal offense to open someone's mail, to please not do it again, that since I was not staying there anymore and we weren't going to live together I was having my address changed, and that if any more mail arrived there addressed to me to please not open it. I ended the message with a thank you.

Shortly there after I receive a voice message saying that since I don't take his calls and only communicate through text messaging, he "has no choice" but to contact a lawyer and take me to court. I asked him repeatedly to just leave me alone for now because the constant arguing and yelling is too stressful and I want to have a healthy pregnancy. (Many people have told me that I shouldn't get upset and therefore shouldn't deal with him at all right now.) But I NEVER once said he couldn't see the baby once it's born. On the contrary. Numerous times I tried telling him that we could work something out and it doesn't even have to even end up in court. And we could do activities together with the baby. I tried telling him about a friend of mine who has an out-of-court arrangement with her baby's father where he gets it every weekend and she has it during the week. To which he screams "I don't care what they do!" and starts yelling at me. What else am I supposed to do!? He won't reason with me. And the stress/fighting is not healthy for anyone, especially a pregnant woman. It's 3 am, and I am currently unable to sleep because this all has be quite upset. I don't know what else to do but not talk to him right now.

Honestly, he doesn't seem to even have a grip on reality and can't seem to follow a simple conversation. When I tried discussing arrangements with him, I mentioned that I thought holidays should be split evenly, with each of us being with the child for half of the day... he starts yelling that the baby won't know his side of the family. I'm like HOW do you get that out of me saying I think holidays should be split!!?? Not to mention, he has said a bunch of times how he doesn't talk to anyone in his family except mom, sister, and brother. When I bring those facts up.... he again says that I'm "using stuff against him". Something is seriously wrong with him......

And then when HE calls threatening to take me to court.... I bring up the fact that he has a DUI amongst other things on his record, mental health issues, anger issues, a history of pot and alcohol abuse, etc (NONE of which I have)..... and he gets mad saying that I'm just "using things to make him look like a sh*thead." I mean am I not supposed to respond to him saying he'll take me to court? And is that what he'd say in front of a judge... oh she's just bringing up these things to make me look bad!!?? Then he starts cursing at me calling me an a-hole and what not.

He went on to include a list of things to use against me in court: that he has just started going to AA meetings, quit pot, and has made a list of the things he's done for me........ making me sandwiches and calling a doctor to make an appointment for me. Never mind that he and his friends smoked pot around me (I left the room. And eventually the house.)...... already putting the baby at risk before it's even born!!!

I feel the AA thing is just for show as he never before decided to do anything about his drinking before..... just when he decides to take me to court... but I also know my opinion is just that.... an opinion.... and is probably best kept to myself.

So then I mention that I don't want his mother left alone with the baby and that I feel supervised visits would be best for him because I don't feel he can provide a stable environment. Of course, he throws a fit. But given their histories, I don't know what person would want them alone with a baby..... =/

Then he claims he doesn't feel I can provide a stable environment either, bringing up the fact that I will be going to school (which is only 3 hours, 4 nights a week) to get a 10 dollar an hour job. What is wrong with that, I don't know... especially coming from someone who's only had a job (as a waiter) for a few weeks and couldn't get another job because of stuff on his record. Plus, with this job (in medical transcription), I will be able to work from home and be with the baby.

I really think the whole lawyer/court thing is simply out of spite.... since I HAVE said over and over that I want him to visit the baby and I want the baby to have a father.... why else WOULD he take me to court? Unless it's just another scare tactic to get me on the phone with him. And he also says every time that I do get on the phone that he refuses to leave me alone and won't stop calling.

He also says if I say the baby can't be alone with his mom, then he'll say the same thing about my dad. My dad however is NOT bipolar and has NOT overdosed on pills and does NOT lock himself in the house with doors locked/ phones unanswered. He also does NOT harass people on the phone. Again, this just seems out of spite. But her history is of concern. He has even told me himself how unstable she is and how no medication seems to work..... would you want her alone with your child???

Just more reasons as to why I don't feel he's mature enough to care for another life. He is just playing games and using this child as a pawn. Which  seriously disgusts me.

So what should I do?
Do I HAVE to talk him?
SHOULD I talk to him?
Do you think he would get unsupervised visits? Because the more I think about that, the more it really scares me.......

Cookimomma:

Thanks for your response also! You make a lot of good points.

It definitely is scary knowing someone can be considered abusive to others, but if not to your child, then he still gets to see it! Especially unsupervised! That is what I'm worried about.... if no one else is there to stop something bad from happening. =/

As far as my parents go.... I have told them and you are right! They are far more supportive than I ever imagined they'd be. They have offered to let me live with them until I get on my feet. My mom is even excited to turn my brother's old room into a nursery. (He married and moved out a couple years ago.)

My mom is also concerned about the safety of the baby with them.... and I haven't even told her everything.... just about the mother's behavior and his pot smoking.... I guess because I was embarrassed to be mixed up with such people in the first place. =/ But I know that's the decision I once made and now I must make the best of it.

I make sure I save every voicemail his mother leaves me for future reference. And I will definitely start documenting everything else now too.

And as for the bipolar issue..... I'm assuming your baby's father is on medication? Mine WAS on medication.... but no longer is.... I think due to financial issues.... he couldn't afford it anymore... or maybe he just stopped taking it.... I'm really not sure as to why. Would that make a difference that he's currently not on any medication?

Thanks again for the response! I agree the future is quite unpredictable and I really am hoping for the best!

Thanks for the response!

I am prepared to take on the responsibility of caring for a child. I know my life will never be the same again. It will be hard and there will be many sleepless nights. But I also feel blessed to be given this opportunity. And I have told my parents over the holiday and they are supportive and have offered to let me live with them until I get on my feet. Yes, I want to have a career one day and my own place.... but until then I know that a loving, stable environement is here for my baby.

Keeping contact via e-mail is a really good idea... that way there is none of that he said/she said business. Everything is documented and what's said is said.

Supervised visits is what I would aim for... at least at first. And no drugs or alcohol is a MUST. Because I really don't wanna keep the father away from his child... I just wanna make sure the baby is safe when it IS with him.

Again, thanks so much for the advice!!!

Oops. You also asked what county I live in... missed that at first.

Luzerne County, Pennsylvania.

I know he doesn't owe me anything......and I never once asked him more money or anything... but he should have been there.... I think that says a lot about his character...... if he can't handle a pregnant girlfriend, how is he going to handle a baby?  If the baby is sick, is he gonna go to the bar instead of be with it and say it's just feeling sorry for itself too!?

Also, to allow his friends to be smoking pot in his house while I was there and pregnant is unacceptable. That puts mine and the baby's health and risk. And of course he was down there smoking it with them while I sat alone in his room. To not use drugs around myself and his unborn child he DOES owe me.

That makes sense as I don't want to completely exclude him and I want the baby to have a father presence in it's life.... I just want to make sure my child is safe, properly cared for, and is not in a bad environment or placed in any danger.

I live in Pennyslvania. I've looked around a bit online but haven't really found much in terms of minimum guidlines so far.

Thanks so much for the help/info!

Hi, all. Hoping for some advice/opinions.
I am currently 22 years old and 15 weeks pregnant.  I live in Pennsylvania and am not married.
I know it's early, but I have concerns for what will be in the best interest of my child in terms of custody once it is born.
I don't feel the baby's father is mature or responsible enough to care for a child.
Earlier on in my pregnancy, I had issues with bleeding and was put on bedrest. For those two months, he was not there physically or emotionally. I saw him only once during this time frame. I was even sick for 2 weeks. Still nothing. My calls and messages to him would go unwanswered. If and when he did call, it would be at 1 or 2 in the morning when he got home from the bar and I was trying to sleep. He made no effort to work, saying that (even though he's 24) he has to grow up so fast and sacrifice so much and he couldn't handle it. When I told him he was being a crappy boyfriend for not being there for me.... he responded by saying I was just feeling sorry for myself.

He smokes pot regularly..... or at least he did when I was around.
I'm not sure what goes on there now, as I haven't been to his house in a couple months, but whenever I was there, people would go in and out of the house at all hours of the night. These people also use, and some even sell, drugs.
The house has been broken into. And stuff gets stolen from his home all the time.
He had people smoking cigarettes and pot there WHILE I was pregnant in the house... so I had to stay up in his room by myself while they were downstairs having a good time.
I pleaded with him to get these people out of his house. He didn't. I left.

Furthermore, he is always at the bar and I feel is an alcoholic.
I'm pretty sure he has a DUI. I know for CERTAIN he has driven drunk. Even crashed his car into a fence. The only reason I'm not sure if it is on his record, is I'm not sure if he left the scene after hitting it.

I have seen him act out in anger. He will punch walls or throw things. There was an incident where a friend took his car without permission. He went to the friend's house, and found the car, only to jump on top of it, and kick in the windshield. These are things I don't want my child to witness.

He even once stated that I should move in with him because otherwise he'll have to get his own crib and pay me child support. His reasoning was that, instead of, it will be what's best for the child.

I also, under no circumstances, want his mother to be left alone with the child. I know the baby's father disagrees with my concerns. However, his mother has a history of overdosing on pills and is diagnosed as being bi-polar (the baby's father is also). She gets in moods where she refuses to pick up the phone or answer the door to anyone and locks herself in her house with all the lights off. What if she gets in one of her "moods" when she is with my child?

She also has been calling my phone repeatedly (3 times within a 10 minute time frame) and paging me, saying I need to talk to her. If I don't pick up the phone, she leaves messages threatening to come to my house, get my father's number at work to call him, and go behind my back and tell my parents of my pregnancy. I haven't told them yet because I want to make sure it's at the right time. But as an adult, that is MY decision to make. I go to the doctor, eat healthy, take my vitamins every day, and in general, take good care of myself. So it's not like there is an issue that needs to be addressed. She just uses these things as a way to get me on the phone so she can tell me how I have to "start planning a future with her son or I'll regret it." I feel her behavior is unstable, childish, and manipulative. I know the baby's father will have her around it, probably even watching it alone, so that really worries me.

I don't feel these people are good influences for a child. I don't feel they would provide healthy environments. But I DO want my child to have a father who is part of it's life. I want it to grow up with 2 parents who love it and have it feel that love. I never want my issues with the baby's father to affect the baby's happiness and well-being. I just honestly worry about leaving these people alone with my child!

Now the baby's father, within the past 2 weeks, has gotten a job as a waiter. Which is really good. And NOW he wants to be included and says how much he loves me and the baby. When I bring up that he had the opportunity to be there, he brushes that off as no big deal, just a small mistake. A TWO MONTH long mistake!? Who's to say, once the baby gets here, he won't make another two month long mistake. I don't love him... at time time I thought I did... but I realize now, I don't. And I definitely don't want to be with him. But I don't want to exclude him either if he IS trying... I'm just not sure how sincere he is or that he is even capable of being a good, responsible father.

Even still, he is just playing childish games. He called me 2 days ago saying he had important things to talk about.... I said okay let's talk.... noooo it has to be at a dinner. I say I don't want this to be any more dramatic or drawn out and ask him again to just talk with me on the phone, but he won't. He said he couldn't think right then and it had to be at a dinner.

I'm just not sure what to do. Or how to go about handling things properly. I really just want to do what is best for my child. So I'm wondering what would you do if you were me? Try to work things out? Prepare for the worst? And what seems better for the child... joint custody? Sole custody?