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Hi everyone!

Since everyone has given such good advice, thought I should update you all on my situation. ) I split up with my BF for a week, and during that week tried reverse physicology on him - I was lucky! It worked. He now understands my situation. He is getting a long much better with his ex. However, she has also told him she is still inlove with him. He's told her that he's moved on. She dropped their daughter off this Friday night past, and stayed for a bit to talk with him (I wasn't there) - she then tried to invite herself over night, but he politely showed her the door, and called me immediately after to tell me how the whole thing played out.

He's talked to his son, and has made him understand that he is with me, and as long as we can work things out, he will be with me. If he wants to come an visit when I'm there, great! If not, they can arrange another time to have father- son time. I've sat down with his son and told him myself that I will never come between he and his dad, but he also needs to realize that his dad and I are together, and love each other very much. He should be happy for his dad and I. I also told him that I love both he and his sister, and I hope that someday he will accept that.

The only other obstacle is with his daughter. He still cam't come to grips with the "taking her to task" when she behaves poorly. On a brighter note, his first councilling session is next week, and I think that once he's been there for a few months, he may see the light and find out that you need to be a parent to your children before you can be their friend. All in all, I'm trying to be very optimistic, and hope things go the way we both want them to go. However, I'm not nieve enough to think that this can all be cured over night. Baby steps. We are both working so hard towards a future.

I've also told him that I'm tired of being his mother, therapist, and legal advisor. He didn't know that I felt so strongly. I told him that I don't mind being his support - not at all, but I can't solve all his problems for him. He's accepted that and asked how he can aleviate those stresses for me, so that I can concentrate on being "me", and being "us".  Needless to say - I'm optimistic. Keep your fingers crossed for me all!

In the mean time, I'll continue to keep everyone posted, and probably even have a venting fest from time to time...LOL

Hi Marsha,

Thanks for writing, and no offence taken. I respect a person that can say what they mean, and mean what they say. You know...no BS!...LOL (That's how I am). I agree, I'm a woman with a very strong personality (take it like a man so to speak), and the man in my life needs to be just as strong, if not stronger b/c sometimes I need to be told "no" or " please be quiet - you talk too much"...LOL This man is definately NOT that! No self confidence, no self esteem, questions every action he does, and what he says. I like a sensitive man, but oversensitive is hard. Don't get me wrong - this man has so many good qualities, but sometimes I'm not sure that's enough glue.

I do more often than not feel like a mother to him. I've said a few times that if I wanted a third child, I would have had one...LOL

Like I told kitty, only time will tell. Right now my life is so busy (with my daycare, and I'm going to be moving this weekend, and just "life" in general), that I don't have time to dwell on his problems - so I don't. I have a rule I live by, and I tell him this all the time! "Worry about the things you can control, and the things you can't control..just go with the flow, b/c everythinghappens for a reason".

Kitty,

You have no idea. He is going for councilling, and is awaiting the call for his first appointment date. Until then, I have suggested that we keep things at a good pace. He wants to see me every night. I think 2-3 times a week max is good for now. He's behavoir changes to almost childlike if we see each other more than that (and only seems to happen when he gets tired). To be completely honest, I'm to the point where on one hand I hope that councilling and meds (we think he's add as well) will help out b/c when he's not being childlike - he is unlike any man I have ever met (good and bad qualities). On the other hand - it's like I KNOW deep inside that it will not last. It's just like Marsha said, I feel more like his personal therapist, and legal council (I could write a book on Family Law, been there so many times with my ex). He asks my opinion "what would you do", but doesn't utilize it, not even some little tidbit. He hears what I say, but if he doesn't like how I have handled it, he comes back with " to each their own".

I understand the issue with his son, as both my children and I are ADHD. However, I have never been "babied" by my parents, and I don't "baby" my children. He does with his and can't understand how I can be so "adult like" with mine as he puts it. We all take our meds at the exact time everyday so we can be in bed at a reasonable time every night. His big excuse is " my daughter goes to bed at 9 b/c I only see her every other weekend, and my son goes to bed that late for the same reason (other than meds)" Did I mention his daughter is only 4 years old?!

Now that I have vented....LOL I guess the moral of the story is that it's a damned if I do and damned if I don't situation. Time will tell.

Ok, so last night the BF and I were talking. I asked him if he had a chance to talk to his son. He said a little bit, but didn't want to say too much with his daughter there. Completely understandable. So I left it alone. Later on when his son went to bed (did I mention the son is 11, on add meds and goes to bed when HE feels like it - usually arounf 11-12 PM), we talked again. I asked him how the discussion went, he told me that he asked his con why he wanted to know if I was going to be there. He son replied with "I just did". BF asked him again why he wanted to know. Again son relied with "just did". BF left it alone. So when we were talking on the phone, the son left his bed, came downstairs and my bf almost jumped out of his skin. It was as thought he didn't want to be caught on the phone with me. He started stuttering and everything. I could hear the son in the background asking "dad what are you doing" BF replied "nothing, I'll be up in a minute to uck you in".

So after the son when back upstairs to bed, I asked BF why he acted like that. He told me it was b/c he didn't want his son to hear the conversation. I can understand that part - except here's the thing. BF was whispering so low on the phone (so son wouldn't hear him all the way upstairs - which is three levels, and BF was on the bottom floor), that I could barely hear what he was saying and had to ask him to repeat himself numerous times.

He told me that he didn't want to make his son upset by asking what was going on. I asked him how the hell he would ever have an open relationship (which he doesn't have - son is too afraid to talk to him b/c he knows how sensitive his father is and doesn't want to make him cry) with his son, if he was afraid to sit him down now and talk to him? Needless to say...I was imformed that BF has to do a lot of thinking. I said ok. So do I.

So this morning, I get a text, asking me how I am. I replied. He then asked me to go skating with him and the kids. I declined. Told him I was still upset over last night. Said he would try to talk to son again. I don't believe him. I mean I think he will, but I think his efforts will be fruitless (will downplay the situation). I asked him if he had time to think. Said he did, and that he really wants to be with me, but feels torn between me and his family. I told him for the love of god don't. If he really feels that way, he shouldn't be with anyone right now until he can learn how to find that balance.

I feel so caught in the middle. I'm more often than not lately thinking it's time to get out. Concentrate on my own life for a while.

Update

Ok...so my bf got to see his daughter after her borther's b-day party. Good deals!

Last night, BF and I were chatting. He asked me what I was thinking about in regards to the "kids" thing. So I finaly spilled and told him that I'm tired of watching him be a "Friend" to his kids and not a parent. He kept trying to male excuses, but eventually he resigned to the fact that I had a point. He tried to tell me that I can feel free to help him parent. I told him that until he learns how to parent, it would only add to the confusion of me stepping in. He didn't see it that way. I told him I refuse to parent his children.  "So what do I need to do to ake the stress of of you?" he asked (god love him). I told him that he needs to step up to bat and parent. I also told him that until I see progress of this happening, I can't not be around him when his children are present for fear that I may need stitches on my tongue. I also told him that I was not trying to make him feel bad, or tell him how to raise his children. He said he knows that all I'm trying to do is help him be a better parent.

So today, we went out to run errands. He gets a phone call from his son's SF to make arrangements to pick him up. SF comes out with " it's just going to be you and you daughter there tonight right? Just asking b/c your son wants to know". I believe this to be true, as SF and BM are not the interfering type, and have been  very supportive with us.

I couldn't believe my ears! I said to BF " this is why you need to parent your children, your son actually thinks he can tell you who you can and can't have over?!" BF replies.."yeah, I guess you are right about the parenting thing. I DO have to have a chat with him, but what should I say?" I told him that he first had to make his son understand that this  is his house not his sons and he has to be more respectful of that. Once that rule is laid out, he's then to question his son to find out what the reason is for wanting to know "who is going to be there". And why it bothers him so much. Then he can work on things.

I was so upset that he immediately understood why I've disengaged from the situation by not wanting to be around his kids. And god love him....when he went to pick up his daughter, he asked my kids and I to go for the drive with him. I know he was trying to include us too. Which makes me love him even more. However I had to decline. He wanted to get together to take everyone skating tomorrow afternoon, but I declined that as well. I told him that this is his weekend with his kids, and he needs to have that. He understood. However, once the children go to bed, I'm willing to bet, he'll call (as usual) and we'll talk for hours (as if he hasn't seen me for weeks). He's having a hard time. We both are. *sigh*

Update

Ok...so my bf got to see his daughter after her borther's b-day party. Good deals!

Last night, BF and I were chatting. He asked me what I was thinking about in regards to the "kids" thing. So I finaly spilled and told him that I'm tired of watching him be a "Friend" to his kids and not a parent. He kept trying to male excuses, but eventually he resigned to the fact that I had a point. He tried to tell me that I can feel free to help him parent. I told him that until he learns how to parent, it would only add to the confusion of me stepping in. He didn't see it that way. I told him I refuse to parent his children.  "So what do I need to do to ake the stress of of you?" he asked (god love him). I told him that he needs to step up to bat and parent. I also told him that until I see progress of this happening, I can't not be around him when his children are present for fear that I may need stitches on my tongue. I also told him that I was not trying to make him feel bad, or tell him how to raise his children. He said he knows that all I'm trying to do is help him be a better parent.

So today, we went out to run errands. He gets a phone call from his son's SF to make arrangements to pick him up. SF comes out with " it's just going to be you and you daughter there tonight right? Just asking b/c your son wants to know". I believe this to be true, as SF and BM are not the interfering type, and have been  very supportive with us.

I couldn't believe my ears! I said to BF " this is why you need to parent your children, your son actually thinks he can tell you who you can and can't have over?!" BF replies.."yeah, I guess you are right about the parenting thing. I DO have to have a chat with him, but what should I say?" I told him that he first had to make his son understand that this  is his house not his sons and he has to be more respectful of that. Once that rule is laid out, he's then to question his son to find out what the reason is for wanting to know "who is going to be there". And why it bothers him so much. Then he can work on things.

I was so upset that he immediately understood why I've disengaged from the situation by not wanting to be around his kids. And god love him....when he went to pick up his daughter, he asked my kids and I to go for the drive with him. I know he was trying to include us too. Which makes me love him even more. However I had to decline. He wanted to get together to take everyone skating tomorrow afternoon, but I declined that as well. I told him that this is his weekend with his kids, and he needs to have that. He understood. However, once the children go to bed, I'm willing to bet, he'll call (as usual) and we'll talk for hours (as if he hasn't seen me for weeks). He's having a hard time. We both are. *sigh*

Ok..Thanks for the input btw. )

His daughter just turned 4. I mentioned the "parenting" thing to him, as opposed to being her "friend". The response I got was " but I don't want her to hate me". I laughed and told him all children at some point in time will claim to hate thier parents for one reason or another. Not to take it too personally - that it's usually 'cos they aren't getting what they want at that time.

I also told him that I will not progress any further until I see some changes. Also told him that if the councilling doesn't work, we won't work either. I know everything takes time. However, I also told him that I have 2 children myself, if I wanted to raise a 3rd, I would have had another one by now. LOL Also told him that he and the ex need to do some serious growing up. Especially for their daughter.

They've been split up for 2 years now, and can not get a long at all. He claims to want to be her friend - if for nothing else than the daughter's sake. However when he talks about his ex, I hear nothing but bitterness and resentment.

I can honestly say...my ex is my bestfriend, and let me tell ya, it makes a difference with the kids. They are so happy, and are "typical" kids.

I want to hold out hope that eventually they are both going to grow up....but the light of hope is is dim right now. Not fading, just dim. *sigh*

Ok...as much as I would like to keep this post short and sweet, I'm not so sure I can. (

So here's the story. I'm involved with a man that makes me feel like I'm the only woman alive. He treats me the way all women want to be treated. Great right? Yes! Wonderful. Here's the issue. He has a daughter from a previous relationship. She is as cute as a button. Shy as can be, and did I mention cute as a button?!...LOL Her father loves her to death, and dotes on her in a way that I've never seen before.

This is where the problems start. If she's rude to someone, it's "oh she's just tired", or he'll use humour to cover it up. I've spoken to him about it, but I get " I only see her every second weekend..I have to spoil her to a certain extend". He thinks she's not getting what she needs from her mother (I know she is). He goes on about how she never eats right at her mothers, however I know she doesn't eat right at her father's either "oh, we had a late lunch and she didn't feel like eating much". (so junk food and chocolate cuts it right?)

He's in court battles with the ex, and asks my advice (as I've been through it so much with my ex, I could be a lawyer (paralegal background count?) however won't take it. I could go on and on, I think both he and his ex could benefit from parenting classes, and he's already made an appointment to go to private councelling to deal with other issues.

For ex; here's one recent situation. Last weekend was his mother's b-day. Whole family is home (BIG family). All grandkids there but one. His ex said " this isn't your weekend". This coming weekend (tomorrow) is his daughter's brother's birthday (confused yet?). The ex said "I'd like her to be here for it" Yet this weekend is his weekend with his daughter. So he says " how about if you drop her off Friday night, I'll have a b-day cake here for him, and she can share his b-day". He told me this and I said "Are you serious?!" He asked me why...I clued him in to the fact that if all his friends are going to be there, she's going to want to be there too. He says "well, it's my weekend with her, I want her, why can't I have my cake and eat it too?" I replied" so you want to make her miss her brother's (whom she lives with) birthday party for your selfishness???" "Well...." was all I got. So I suggested that he make arrangements to pick her up immediately after the party and keep her for the remainder of the weekend. "Hmmmm...I didn't think of that" he says. He's so intent on having a pissing match with his ex, that he can't see what's is really happening.

I've been frank with him and told him that the whole situation makes me very uncomfie. He asks me if I'll ever get over it. I told him when he's able to get a better grip on the situation, maybe. I've backed off significantly. It's the only way I know to deal with it right now. Any other suggestions??