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Sorry, I wasn't clear...never married to ex, by mutual agreement (not court order) he has always claimed the children, as I am stay-at-home mom and haven't worked for several years. My husband works and claims our two children.
Ex does file head of household on his taxes, although I gather that is incorrect. He claims the 3 children as well. I'm wondering why dcss does not calculate support based on our actual tax filing statuses, and if the court would be obliged to do so or is that just how it is? I am already figured at minimum wage automatically, which is fine since I choose to be home with the children. As it stands the ex is benefiting twice, by claiming the children for taxes, as well as getting the benefit of lower support since he is figured for cs at single/no dependents. I suppose I could just stop letting him claim the children, but no one benefits from that either. Arrgghh, just confused.

I am in CA, and receive child support through DCSS. For purposes of calculating support, under tax information, I am listed as head of household with the children as my dependents. DCSS said it is done that way because I have them most of the time. I am a stay at home mom and ex claims the children on his tax return. Anyone have experience with an issue like this, and if I go to court can I have it calculated with him as head of household/claiming children.?

We were able to pick SS up without incident. BM didnt know what time pick up was since she lost her copy of the court papers, and she happened to fall asleep right before we got there.

Does anyone have any experience with teen pregnancy and how it may figure in to our case if at all..or an opinion on whether we should break the news to mom now, wait, bring it up at mediation/court, or hold off..? I understand about the paternity test, although honestly we have no reason to believe he is not the father. The girl is also in a bad home situation and troubled herself, so we are meeting with the mom today or tomorrow to discuss.

OH, when DH just texted BM about picking up SS tomorrow she responded with "you said he can't live there so he isn't going back".  He texted again and now she is ignoring him.

I was able to talk in depth with SS via text. Mom is telling him he can't come back home on Sunday. When SS got caught shoplifting it was a day before her holiday visitation was to start. DH texted her asking if she could come get him now because he can't live here if he is going to refuse to be accountable for his actions (exactly what the message said). Basically, he appealed to BM for help (foolishly) hoping she would. SS has admitted everything to us and wants to come back, but BM is telling him DH said he can't live herein the text, and if she shows the cops the message then they will make him stay with mom. I am getting all this info from SS via text. He is afraid to stand up to mom. I told him if he wants to come back and it comes to it he is going to have to tell her he is going with us, or the cops if she physically refuses to let him leave which has happened before.

Worst of all, and the reason for the new post, I found out today that girlfriend of SS is 2 months pregnant. SS is 16 and the girlfriend is 15. Girlfriend's mom seems to be ok with it (??) but I haven't talked to her about this yet. The girlfriend actually texted and told me. BM doesn't know, which gives us a chance to digest and think before the you know what hits the fan. . I am at a loss on this one, totally. Anyone have personal experience or any idea how this is going to figure into our situation? Mediation is 1/25 and court is 2/7. We don't even know how to approach this, whether to bring it up in court, to BM, just deal with the girls mother..help???!

Hi Kitty~

I do have some knowledge of what an IEP is; I was actually able to get one last year for our 4 year old who has a speech delay. Here is what I do know; at the last meeting with the school counselor, BM brought up SS having ADD. The therapist recommended DH go with it and that he would write up paperwork to submit to the school so that SS can get an IEP to get the extra help. Someone is dragging their feet on this one, I believe it is the therapist who I find to be a very likeable guy but a bit flaky and too laid back for what we are dealing with. This is where we were referred by the county and our insurance. Also, the psychiatrist works through the same office as the therapist. I will have to have DH ask the therapist further as to if a specific diagnosis was made, but if so we were never told. It was more like a, "this kid has trouble focusing try this med and see if it helps". I'm very concerned by the therapist saying lets just go with mom's diagnosis. I don't find it to be helpful to the child at all when he has real issues left unaddressed and untreated. I was also very perturbed when we had asked the therapist before last hearing for something in writing stating the duration of SS treatment, basic as possible just to show he was in therapy. The therapist came back and said they are not allowed to do that sort of thing?

I think our best bet at this point is to beseech the court for assistance in finding help for this child. At the ex parte hearing the judge made it very clear that this child does not drive the bus, and he said to DH that the court has new programs in place to help in situations like this. I am very concerned that we will once again be seeing a new mediator that is not familiar with the situation and BM is a masterful liar and manipulator. As of right now SS is refusing to come home Sunday when vacation is over. He is being thoroughly rewarded by BM for turning on DH I'm sure. We will see what happens with that, I don't have much faith in PD they always say their hands are tied they can't physically force the child to return home.

Thank you for the advice Kitty, everyone..I take it to heart knowing you have all
been through it as well. and welcome anything else you have to offer. Thank you!

Ocean~DH says the phsyciatrist did not specifically diagnose him with anything, but the medication was to help him focus because he says he cannot focus or pay attention in school. I did notice a little improvement with his impulse control while he was on it, but then he decided it wasn't doing anything and refused to take it. I think that because it wasn't getting him high, he feels it didn't work.

Whatever happens, we are definitely going to have to ask the court to refer him/us to some kind of program for more help and support. I have never heard of PINS but looking into it now and will tell DH to mention it to the court. The child is very much out of control, and the younger one heading in that direction as well.

I do believe Child Support is a huge motivation. Also, BM and her mother or very controlling and domineering; they cannot handle not having control.

Kind of a long question: When SS came to live with us 2 yrs ago, BM basically agreed to it because her boyfriend struck SS in the head close fisted and she was afraid to lose both boys. She denied it happened, but both children told the then mediator about it. She was admonished by that mediator that she would lose both kids if it happened again. Even though SS still visits his mom, the boyfriend never got anger management. I believe if older SS lived there it would escalate to violence again. Also, younger SS has not been put in court ordered counseling to our knowledge.  Another thing, 3+ years ago, we had an evaluation where a person visited both homes. That evaluator stated in her report that she did agree there was alienation going on on BM's part. At that time BM was ordered to seek 25 sessions of therapy. She never did that either, and the court later disregarded. Should we bring all these things up in mediation, or do you they just get annoyed? They always want to deflect and say it's in the past, but if these things were never done and the same issue remains, I feel it is relevant.

Do any of you know about what if they (BM or SS) are asking for grandma to have custody? Is that even possible if Dad is willing to have him? It seems far fetched to me that they are asking for that..I think that is secondary if they won't let him go back to mom's they are shooting for grandma's house.

 Hello Mixed Bag~

We put him in counseling shortly after he came to live with us. He has been with that counselor for almost two years. I think the counselor feels much like we do, he can't get through to him.

As far as diagnosis, at the most recent meeting with the school BM stated he has ADD (first we've heard of it). His therapist thought it might be good to just go with it to get him specialized help at school, since he is struggling so much. So he has never been officially diagnosed by a doctor that I know of, but he does have these different labels on his school records. We also took him to a phsyciatrist who prescribed him med to help him focus, but he refuses to take it.


He failed 7 high school classes in a year and a half. His school history is he was pulled out of school after kindergarten and homeschooled by BM for a year, due to behavior problems at school. He went back to school a year later, but still had many behavior problems. One story I recall, in third grade he chopped off a little girls hair. BM deflected blame to the girl, saying she told him to. He had to repeat 5th grade. 6th grade BM changed schools halfway through because of his behavior. 7th and 8th he had around 20 write-ups for bad behavior, ranging from language to sexual harassment and then he was caught with marijuana. BM pulled him then and put him in independent studies, blaming the school for being a dangerous environment. And that was when he came to us.

Looking for advice, and a friendly ear..I have posted several times in the past about my situation. Long story involving LOTS of Parental Alienation.

     2 years ago DH got custody of his oldest of 2 boys, after the boy was struck by mom's live-in. He is now 16 1/2. It has been a very long two years. He came to us at almost 15 and still in the 8th grade. We were able to get him to pass the 8th grade, just barely. He has struggled in high school, falling far behind even with extra support from teachers, school counselor, a personal counselor we signed him up with shortly after he moved in, as well as our help and support. According to DH he has always posed a behavior problem in school and done poorly academically. He has also had on and off problems with drug and alcohol. He admitted to us he began smoking marijuana in 7th grade, and was caught with it in 8th grade before coming to live with us. He has been labeled as having ADD, Oppositional Defiance Disorder, Sensory Integration Issues, and other things. Mostly by his mother, as an excuse for his bad behavior and acting out. I don't believe a doctor has ever directly diagnosed him with any of these things. He has also been acting out sexually with different girls since he moved with us. Most recently, he was caught shoplifting, and let go after I went to pick him up.

     Mom is seeking to regain custody, either for herself or for her mother. She filed a few months back after an incident in which my SS was harassing a girl over the phone and DH took his phone. SS charged at DH and DH broke the phone. SS ran away to moms house, and both BM and DH filed ex parte. Her for custody, and DH for his son to be returned. Judge ordered SS to return home until the hearing in Jan/Feb. BM called the boy at school and told him to run away, which he did. We reported him as a runaway and got him back 2 days later after he magically appeared at the grandmothers house. Police had to drag him kicking and screaming. After a few days, BM's brainwashing wore off and things went back to normal. However, SS has been playing all sides to get what he wants. He lies to us and to his mom about each other. BM, who is crazy in her own right is making up fantastic stories about us regarding child abuse, drug dealing and the like. Also my younger SS was acting out terribly towards us since this started, I'm assuming because the alienation is in full effect. At one point he wanted to go to a party and we had plans so he tried to run away (like his brother had done and got rewarded by mom). When DH stopped him from leaving, he called his mom who told him to call 911 and say he was being abused. My husband was handcuffed and put in the back of the police car before they figured out what was really going on. In the last few weeks things had settled down some with BM and she has been civil for the most part.

     So, after the shoplifting incident 12/27, SS was very defiant and lied about everything. He called his mom and made up a story that was the opposite of what DH later told her. He basically downplayed it to where he did nothing wrong and we were all liars. DH, frustrated told mom to come get him for her time a few days early, and told him he couldn't live here if he was going to keep lying and doing bad things. He asked mom to back him up and punish him for stealing. Unfortunately, BM used this as another opportunity to get control. She did not punish him, but started telling him lies about how DH was going to send him away, and how he can have everything he wants if he lives with her. Now SS is refusing to come home unless he isn't in trouble anymore and we let him do what he wants. So, at this point we are very frustrated and just wondering what you guys would do in this situation?? Mediation is at the end of Jan. and court is 2/2 I believe. Should we force him home and fight for him to stay here? I feel like we are wasting our time because he just doesnt seem to care. I know he will not do better with mom or grandma. They are both very controlling women who treat him way younger than his years. They have always made excuses and never forced him to own up to his mistakes. That is a big part of the problem we have been dealing with. I am also worried what will happen when'if she has all the power again. Before he lived here we never saw them on DH's parenting time, she would just disappear. We got nowhere with police or the court about that. She has already started doing it again with the younger one, overscheduling activities during DH's time.

Sorry for such a long post/rant.. any thoughts?

I am wondering if he will get his refund still since it is already approved and set to be issued tomorrow, and she filed paper..or if she can somehow hold it up.

My understanding from the irs website is that the rule is wherever the child spent most nights (6 months and 1 day or more) entitles that individual to claim the child. The problem being BM is boldface lying and saying that DH allowed the child to live with her until school was out. Ludicrous considering the child came to our home after BM's boyfriend assaulted him and DH filed ex-parte to get him out of the home. How can DH prove or disprove, it's his word against hers?

The court order doesn't state percentage, but that father's home is primary residence. We have a paper from child support dated 5/19 when we went back to court to have CS modified (due to the change). It lists older child (by name) as being in DH's care 75% of the time in the new calculation.
I don't know about any specific cases, but we are in CA. The courts generally give everyone joint/joint here, I have even seen people with supervised visitation still having joint custody on paper.