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Kids school is 1.6 miles away from us but because we don't have a car like BM we rely on public transportation.  Thanks for the t IP about the school.  I will write that now and email the principal.  TY  for sure I didn't think after a year in court for months after the decision we's be back in court.  You can paint a cheetah green, but it will always have its spots

My DH is thoroughly annoyed with BM. So am I but I'm used to dealing with her idiosyncrasies.  BM failed to pick up SD1 from her after school program twice in two Weeks.  SD1 is released at 4:30 twice a week.  C/O from only 4months ago states DH picks up both kids  from school during his parenting time because of BM choosing pickup and drop off times to tell DH what he's doing wrong as a parent.  High conflict parenting, but can be modified upon mutual written consent of both parties. 

DH and BM modified agreement in person and have several text messages back and fourth regarding the modified pickup arrangement.  DH picks up SD2 from school on Fridays at 2 and BM gets SD1 from AS program at 4:30.

last week BM calls DH at 4:28 and says she's not gonna be able to pick SD1 up can he do it.  It takes 45 minutes to an hour to get to the kids school as she moved out of the school district so my DH calls me and asks me to get her.  I leave work and take a cab.  I get there at 4:58.  Principal says it can't happen again.  Mind you the reason SD1 is inn this program is because BM signed her up because she is inn danger of failing 3Rd grade.  Homework isn't getting turned in on moms days, its incomplete or wrong.  Promotion in doubt papers have already been sent home.  BM reached out to me (the person she despises the most at times it seems) and asked for my assistance.  I started a communication log for school, weekly progress reports etc.  grades improved.  Mom deviated from this in January...now promotion in doubt still stands. 

Yesterday, DH gets a call from school saying BM hasn't picked up SD1.  Again. I take a cab and get there at 5:27.  after school director is there addressing me like I'm BM "she's out of the program, this is the last time."  DH asks me to call mom she's doesn't call me back until 739.  Glad to know she was worried about her kid since no one called us to let us know she wouldn't be able to pick SD1 up.  I walked by the grand mothers house since she lives 3 blocks way from us and BM is parked outside.

This doesn't beat out July 2010 when she failed to pick SD1 from school for 4 hours and them when she realized it was I who had her... Filled a dv report with police that I kidnapped her child to cover her own rear end.

BM has also removed fathers name from school documents when she is the primary custodial parent and they both share legal custody.  The split went from DH having the EOW an after BM made unfounded allegations through ACS and other agencies... DH was granted 43 vs 57 percent arrangement.

Does he file contempt, or emergency ex parte temporary custody or an order to show cause?  He wants full custody of kids but is worried about filing the wrong paperwork like he did last time.  If this is just contempt then he won't file for emergency custody.  We just want 8yo SD1 to progress to next grade.  Also can't forget to mention now DH has C/O in place kids have only missed one day of school compared to when dad only saw dds EOW and they missed 19 days  and 14 days from school with no illnesses and 9 And 13 tardies the previous years

I think that if you truly "gave up", you wouldn't be posting in this forum.  I smite thee! 
I was sympathetic at first, but now I'm wondering if you only want to sign over your parental rights because you don't want to pay child support? 

I am a step-mother of many, and my DH's oldest daughters 22 and 20 do not really have a relationship with him... well the 22 year old comes around mostly due to her younger sisters (5 and 8 years old).  18 years ago, my DH had been attacked by a group of the 1st BM's brother and family with brass knuckles and even was shot at, because BM was vindictive and wanted her new "man" to assume the fatherhood role to their daughters.  It's ironic, because she is no longer with him and "step-dad of the year" doesn't even claim my oldest SD's as he now has a "new family".

I say that to say this: My DH regrets every day the decision to not fight for his oldest daughters.  Even with the two youngers ones, as a stepmom to them, I worry and wonder, what happens if we will get them full custody?  I'm pretty sure that their behavioral problems that they are showcasing with their mother will still linger.  I worry about having to take them to see a psychologist, I worry that sometimes when they aren't being "not-so-great kids" did I sign up for the wrong class and will I flunk it because, I too, as a rational adult, am responsible for them.  Would it be alright when they do something sub-par to say "well, that's what they DO when their with their mom." or "well, she's like that because of the environment that she lives in." I think no.  I think it's not enough to excuse their behavior.  I tell them all the time, I'm sorry you were dealt such a bad hand.  That may be the way you're allowed to act/allowed to fail tests/allowed to not turn in homework/allowed to not clean when you're elsewhere with another adult, but you will not act that way when you are with me.  It's hard and it's not easy, but just like when I married my DH (and even before) I signed up to be a part of the parenthood.

You can't revoke your status just because she, as an 11 year old has problems.  That should make you want to save her more!  Don't be the guy, awkward at family gatherings 10 years from now trying to claim her.

That would be sad.

thanks guys!  I plan on being here for the long haul, looking forward to talking with you ladies soon.

Ocean, I'm curious and don't mean to pry.

What type of custody does your DH have?  I feel as if my life has been non-stop documentation since 2009. 

Thank you both for your replies.  I know that I am not unbiased, but believing in emotional intelligence as I do; I feel that when we become adults, we will not always be in ideal situations and we have to make the best of them, especially if we don't want the thing to get out of control.  I suppose if I was a different person, I would bring things down to her level and argue about petty, mudane things, that I feel should be common sense to anyone with half a brain. 

But I just take a breath and give myself time before I respond to any e-mail, text or comment that she sends my way.  (perfect example.  We had the kids on her weekend so she could go out of town on a personal trip, and I text her if we could meet so I could pick up the kid's uniforms for school before she left. She never responded, so on Sunday, when she was supposed to pick up the kids, she said she was too far, and that they would have to just wear regular clothes when we took them to school.  Before I could say "Ok, thanks".  She starts texting 'shouldn't you have uniforms over there since you stated in the child support modification that you paid for uniforms."

It's like speaking to a small child sometimes.  I had to remind her that in '09-'10 school year and '10-'11 school year, yes we did buy uniforms for both children and gave them or the money to her. -  This current year even after what she put the children and my husband through, I still asked her if she needed help this year -because it is about the kids, and she e-mailed me back and said the kid's uniforms from last year still fit them.

The point of that conversation was what?  How can we have the items, if they were given to you and you do not give things back? Or at least provide them to us when we're parenting on your time.  There was no point. We just dressed them in the one set of uniforms we have in case of emergency, and we have not seen those back either.  (shrug)

I have been keeping my emotions in check, and I treat the kid's mom as if she is a business partner that I do not particularly like.  What else can I do that would be effective?  Yelling at her, cursing her out, wringing her neck, those things aren't going to help the situation.  So that's why I try to rationalize with her, but its hard being rational with an irrational person.

I have proposed a parenting plan (from Deltabravo -thanks Ocean), modified it based on issues and questions I know will come up or have come up with the children and gave it to her.  She states that any "additional time" the children spend with their father would be a conflict to her 'schedule'.  I get angry because I still feel like there is some underlying sense of control on her part.  So the children spend time with their grandparents everyday, who live in close proximity to us, but dad can't see the children with 1st rights of refusal?

Right now, she is afraid to deal with my DH because she knows he is mad/hurt/distrusting about the allegations and DH is afraid to deal with her because of the constant allegations.  Although she says that she is pretty much in agreeance concerning the children while we were in court for this past year - DH and I are fearful (mostly because of the history and other posts that I have seen here) that the kids' mom will change her mind and put things back to the bare minimum of the court order.

When I was asking for suggestions, I was asking for suggestions as far as how to move forward.  It won't be healthy to stay angry forever.

Hello All!

DH and I have been reading up a lot on parallel parenting.  I agree that this works for our family and even may work temporarily with BM, but what happens when something done on our parenting time gets back to BM with only half the information?

As of right now, DH & BM are involved in high conflict parenting (and are at the disengagement bit) because of false allegations made by BM.

I am currently the third party used by both DH & BM to communicate issues concerning the children.   

On one hand, I don't mind (if just to prevent issues that come up when two immature people parent children, but on the other hand I feel if I'm emotionally drained by dealing with a person that I am angry with.

Do you guys have any suggestions for how we can do this effectively?

[big personality]

Girl, God bless you and your family.  Its tough to lose a parent.  My prayers are with you and your family!    I too lost my mother, who was born with a rare form of auto-immune disease, to end-stage liver disease on October 28, 2010. We were hit with a false allegation of sexual abuse on December 10, 2010.

Since I was my mom's health care proxy, I was going to my hometown a lot, like every Wednesday - Sunday and naturally SDs were missing my big personality in the house because they came every other weekend, so she always wanted to come with me.  Well one day, I guess her mother said "Does LaDiva still live with Daddy) I'm assuming because I wasn't part of my SD's stories from parenting times and my SD said "She goes to (hometown), she said I can go with her next time.

What was that for.  Forget it.  BM went to one of the court dates and said that she's fearful that we are "trying to move with her kids to (hometown) and she's scared."  -    I know... I can't either.

Anyways, back to you.  I hope your custody suit works well.  Please make sure if you already have a court order, you file a violation of an existing order, and list what she has violated when, why etc. 

Hello all,

Well its over, but it probably isn't really.  My DH was on the stand for all of 10 minutes back in October, and we've wasted three court dates since then, coming into court each time with documentation with all of her many wrong doings.

I guess the GAL, our lawyer, Judge and the respondent's lawyer didn't really want to go to trial, so they kept coming to us asking if we could work it out with PB.  We of course said "No."  We'd like for the forensic evaluator's report to be brought to light, which states that PB lied about almost everything and that she encouraged the children to lie about the sexual allegations.  The report also recommends full custody be awarded to both my DH and I.

THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN!

Someone had a light bulb go off in their head and said that we couldn't proceed with the custody trial because a final order of custody was ordered in July 2009, and when we filed the petition in December of 2010, it had not been more than two years since the order was signed (it was at 1 year and 5 months that we filed the petition)  All the lawyers said unless there had been an arrest on the bio-mom, an ACS case with the bio-mom or drugs involved, 'no judge in their right mind would reverse an order of custody" based on what we had.

On a good note, we now see the kids every week and every 2nd, 3rd and 4th weekend even though it's only a 65% vs 35% split, where before he only saw the children 13% of the time (Yes fathers who don't press the issue of seeing your children more than every other weekend, you pay an astronomical amount of child support, and only see your children 13 or 14 % of the time that their mom does.  This is what you have been reduced to if you don't fight for them!)

I cry everytime I hear the decision repeated in my head.  I wish I had've know what I know now.  Our lawyer said a big part of the judge not wanting to see all of the evidence is because it was backwards.  For all of the crazy things she did, we should have taken it to court and filed a violation of a custody order on her right there and then when the events happened.  (1) When she moved for four months and refused to tell us.  (2) When she forgot the oldest one on the school bus, didn't pick her up for four hours, then filed a police report against me and DH for "kidnapping her". 

What hurts the most is that she, according to the abrupt disappearance of our petition for full custody, is giving a slap on the wrist and everyone assumes "Well, that's what a mother is supposed to do if her child tells her that."  A year of my life.  A year of these kid's lives.  Many years of undoing the damage that a vaginal examination and direct questioning about any kind of "contact" with their dad, will have on a 5 and 1/2 year old and 8 and 1/2 year old.

This is very sad.  I feel defeated in some way.  I want this to stop, but I know she will not stop.

Hi Ocean!

Good to speak with you. 

Did you and your DH go for trial for full custody or for violation of current co's and contempt of court?

The reason why I am asking is because I was reading the FCA (yes I am a nerd) and it says:

(http://<a)"Section 205.14 Time limitations for proceedings involving custody or visitation.
In any proceeding brought pursuant to sections 467, 651 or 652 of the Family Court Act to determine temporary or permanent custody or visitation, once a hearing or trial is commenced, it shall proceed to conclusion within 90 days."

http://www.nycourts.gov/rules/trialcourts/205.shtml#14 (http://www.nycourts.gov/rules/trialcourts/205.shtml#14)

Our petion for change in full custody is 651, 652.


I'd go by that without asking all of you knowledgeable vets, but with all the posts I read, it seems like the above is only the exception?