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Update:
We've decided not to go to trial.  I can't say it's an easy decision, especially after all of this time, effort, and money spent in legal fees.  I wish we had known much earlier just how bad our odds were - but ultimately it may be a lesson you can only learn from experiencing it.

Ultimately it came down to the effects of heartache and stress on the kids and not further damaging our financial well-being, which would again effect the kids.  The ex will stop at nothing and she finds lawyers who are ruthless... so our only out is to agree with her and make the best of it.  We seem to get farther when she feels unthreatened, unquestioned, and as though she is winning. 

I could write for hours about the injustice, the effects on everyone involved, the lack of character and ethical standards, and so on and so forth.  But you all already know these things in your own hearts.  So I'm not going to dredge it all up.  Instead I'm going to do my best to hold my head high, encourage my fantastic husband to keep trekking the high road, and enjoy the special moments with 2 amazing kiddos all in hopes that they will know our love deep down in their little bellies. 

May you all be blessed!

he is old enough to have his opinion count in family court.

Just a word to the wise on this, check your state's legal code & unwritten rules on this.  Not all states have an "age of consent" or will entertain a statement from the child.  State of WA for example has no age of consent and I've seen in the RCW (revised code of WA) and in Family Court Rules that even attempting to submit the child's wishes could result in unfavorable consequences.

As a caring stepmom I feel your pain in loving someone that you truly have no legal right to.  God bless your heart for wanting to care for this kid and be an example of what is good and right and true. 

The BM might not care.... until someone else, namely you, encroaches upon her turf of being a mom.  And same goes for BF.  As a 16 year old, he's got 2 years left to be subject to the court's rules of custody (5 if he goes to school).  There could be a quite a lot of heartache in pursuing this in the Court, versus just offering your support at every opportunity.  I know we all want to fight for what is right, but let us not forget that these kids can easily become innocent casualties.

There's an app called "SMS Backup" - available for Android, will auto save the text conversations in your email folders without having to do screenshots.  It was a free app at the Google Play Store. 

Otherwise, Google the make and model of your phone with the word "Screenshot" and you will get resources of the shortcut keys or apps you can get for that.

[DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT!]

I agree with what was said by DadsCrushed and that you should spend quality time and use caution when Evaluators & GALs are involved.  Know that as a male in the state of WA, there is bias already against you.  It's sad, but the reality of the situation.

Forms:   Google "WA Courts Forms".  It will give you the link.  The forms you need are in the "Ending the Marriage" section.  If you pursue this, know that there is a TON of paperwork and you will likely need to spend some significant time going to free law clinics and to the courthouse.  We chose to retain a lawyer for this reason (and because I couldn't be my husband's paralegal and keep my real job - too much to take on.)  I'm not saying it can't be done but trying to give you reasonable expectations for what is involved.  And not that I love Family Law lawyers, but they will have experience with what to expect from judges, lawyers, and how they interpret the law.  If you need help getting a "good" lawyer, I suggest getting recommendations from reputable mediators and then calling around and interviewing them.  You will want to find out what they charge, when they charge, their staff (and their costs to you), how and how often they will communicate with you, THEIR DEFINITION OF SUCCESS for your case, their ethical policy (do they double bill??), and you'll get an overall feeling of their personality and if you will work well together.

Lastly, I hope to impart some of what I've learning in dealing with the state of WA & the Family Law Industry in general:
~  Even if you are a truly great dad, a dad who loves his kids, wants a relationship with them, and wants to protect them - the minute you are on the other side of the table from their mom, you get lumped in with all the negligent dads and are seen by the mother and the Court as a source of revenue.  (See Social Security Act Title IV-Part D). 
~  You have to go above and beyond to prove yourself worthy of custody.  And even then, there are no guarantees.
~  DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT!  I CANNOT stress this enough.  It's a pain, but otherwise it's he said/she said.  If you can't have a conversation with her without hanging up or getting mad or being otherwise unproductive, email and keep it civil.  Save every email, capture every text (there ARE apps for that), write down what happened when it doesn't happen in writing. 
~  Pay up.  It doesn't matter to the Court what you think about what you are ordered to pay.  Please trust me on this.  The easiest way to make the Court your LIFELONG arch-enemy is to neglect your financial obligations.  If you don't pay/pay late/make short payments you are setting yourself up for an even longer, harder road.  If you think it should be different, go through the process of getting it changed - but for your own sake, pay every penny until it's recorded as another amount.
~  Make SURE you get every Court document and Order.  If you don't understand what it says or what is happening in the process, for pity's sake, ASK.  You are not any less of a person for not understanding!  Too many good guys don't want to deal with it or feel inferior by admitting they don't "get" it.  Lawyers are not gods.  In fact, you pay them, so make sure they earn all that money!


God's blessings upon you.  Keep taking the high road.  We are told by those older and wiser that loving your kids goes farther than all the money in the world.

My husband & I have been in the throes of the Family Court for the last couple of years.  First some history:  Messy divorce in the state of Washington (WA), ex was allowed to move across the state despite my husband's objection, and he moved to be near kids after a year or so.  That's when we met.  He pursued more time with kids, but Courts beat him down and we were forced to move 6 hours away to pursue a better job market that allows for him to meet his Court obligation and for me to be employed at a level suitable to my higher education.

The custody arrangement in effect currently is basically useless as it was written with the assumption that both parents live near each other.  So at present, we are at the mercy of an uncooperative ex who has stated that the role of the childrens' father is to PAY.  Mediation was required, and after 3 hours, we were confident we had made progress...until a week later when the ex changed her mind and refused to continue mediation citing that she disagreed with everything, including the choice of mediator.  She blatently violated the custody order and despite efforts to hold her accountable and in contempt, the Court ruled in her favor, dismissing the violation and stating that she was not at fault as she is a "busy mom".  (So if she is speeding to soccer practice due to lack of planning, she will not be written a ticket based on this premise??  This is truly faulty logic at work.) 

The child support order has already been modified to reflect my husband's increased income, which is fine, however the calculation by the Commissioner assumed that he made more for the past year than the actual numbers reflected and she criticized his tax withholding amounts.  This level of scrutiny was not applied to the custodial parent, who is a high-earner, which also pushes my husbands obligation higher.  Why are we playing by separate sets of rules?

We are assigned one Commissioner in the county who has a clear bias against my husband and there is no system for requesting reassignment - it's a small County and there is no one else.  The Commissioners are not elected officials, they are employees of the County, and the system for filing a compliant against them places an enormous burden of proof upon us - and the likely result would only create further bias against my husband as the non-custodial parent. 

Family Law reform is not happening any time soon.  We are now faced with going to trial in August (1 year after starting the process with mediation) and having a judge determine the custody plan.  He has not been on the bench long so our attorney has no history to know how he may rule.  After reading about Social Security Title IV-D and other resources, I am questioning the risk of further emotional and financial cost.  I am asking myself if we are fighting in the wrong battle.  Is it smarter to let her feel as though she has won, because likely, she WILL win in court.  Again.  Apparently there is no one in the legal community who values parental equality and relationship over popularity and money.  I'm disgusted and defeated and hurting for my husband and for his two beautiful children whom we love to the ends of the earth.  Do you fight for what is RIGHT and GOOD in a broken system at the expense of your well-being?  Or do you let the custodial parent have their way, making the best of what little time you get and hoping for some peace in an otherwise high-conflict situation?

May God bless you all with peace and favor.  Your prayers for our situation are very much appreciated.