Question about living arrangements with stepson

[Disgustedstepmom]

I am currently married to BF, and 16 year old step son lives with us (3rd time now) after his BM kicked him out and said she never wanted to see him again. BM has legal custody. Unfortunately  I am planning on divorcing BF. My step son states that he wants to live with me, not BM or BF. Son talked to his BM and she doesnt care where he goes as long as it is what he wants. We reside in Illinois and I was wondering if I need the BM to sign a guardianship paper or how to legally proceed so that stepson resides with me. BF and I have been married for 2 years but have been together 9.

[MixedBag]

you'll probably need to get them to BOTH agree and give you legal guardianship.

[Davy]

You might want to gain a different view of this situation.  Currently the BF is the DeFacto custodial parent and the BM, from what you posted, is substantially neglecting this child and her voice may not be given much weight.  At the same time, you have absolutely zero legal right or standing to function as a parent to this child regardless of the child's "current" wishes.

Moreover, your intervention (and probable need for financial gain) in this child's life could very likely serve to cause even more dysfunction in this family instead of the much needed healing and mending.  You're only hope would be if the BF and the court would decide NOT to throw-away another child and nobody else steps forward that understands a child needs both parents in their life.

[Disgustedstepmom]

This poor child has been sent to live with his aunt before because BM "couldnt handle him anymore". This has nothing to do with financial gain. This boy needs someone who is there for him unconditionally. Someone who doesnt throw him out every chance they get, and someone who can keep their hands to themselves. He needs protected and shown what a real family does for each other. He has been passed around from household to household because no one wants to take the time to understand him. He is very confused and hurt by everyone who is suppose to NOT hurt him.

[limitedgrace]

As a caring stepmom I feel your pain in loving someone that you truly have no legal right to.  God bless your heart for wanting to care for this kid and be an example of what is good and right and true. 

The BM might not care.... until someone else, namely you, encroaches upon her turf of being a mom.  And same goes for BF.  As a 16 year old, he's got 2 years left to be subject to the court's rules of custody (5 if he goes to school).  There could be a quite a lot of heartache in pursuing this in the Court, versus just offering your support at every opportunity.  I know we all want to fight for what is right, but let us not forget that these kids can easily become innocent casualties.

[Disgustedstepmom]

so all I can really do is sit back, wait for them to push him away again, and be there to catch him? I am willing to do that its just that this poor soft hearted boy has gone through so much bc of BF, and BM. We will see how things go I guess.

[ocean]

What do both bio parents say about you taking him? If they agree, you do not really have to go to court, let them give your guardianship through a notarized letter to be filed with family court. If they do not agree and he wants to, he is old enough to have his opinion count in family court. It is hard for step parents as we do not have rights but you can still be there for him, take him to activities if needed, out to dinner. At the same time, you are now an ex to his parent so they may not allow you to be around. Really depends on the dynamics of the adults.

[MixedBag]

so all I can really do is sit back, wait for them to push him away again, and be there to catch him? I am willing to do that its just that this poor soft hearted boy has gone through so much bc of BF, and BM. We will see how things go I guess.

I have a friend in this situation -- she is divorcing dad soon and his son lives with her.  Mom is fine with that arrangement too.  (Son is special needs but highly functioning -- and it's step-mom's patience and personality that clicks best with step-son).

This Step-mom friend knows that it's a careful balance of keeping both bio-dad and bio-mom happy so that she can focus on raising this boy in a good environment that the boy deserves.    Not sure if either parent has given her legal guardianship -- I think that did happen.....and if at all possible, I would ask for a document from both parents like that.

All that being said -- in order to make this happen for the child, Step-mom has bitten her tongue on so many occasions with the two parents that well, UGH!  The boy is in thereapy, and fortunately, the therapist sees how dysfunctional mom and dad are and is behind step-mom on this one.

NORMALLY -- Mom or Dad first.....so tread lightly, and by maintaining the perception of peace, maybe you will get the results that you think are good for your step-son.

[limitedgrace]

he is old enough to have his opinion count in family court.

Just a word to the wise on this, check your state's legal code & unwritten rules on this.  Not all states have an "age of consent" or will entertain a statement from the child.  State of WA for example has no age of consent and I've seen in the RCW (revised code of WA) and in Family Court Rules that even attempting to submit the child's wishes could result in unfavorable consequences.

[ocean]

At 16, most courts will listen to them, if they are younger then you ask for a GAL to be ordered and they speak to what the child wishes are and what is best for them. The GAL and judge will determine if child will have to testify.