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Messages - JustSomeGuy

I'm a divorcee of over ten years.  When we moved, my ex took the kids 500 miles away where it was very difficult to visit them.  I reduced the distance as much as possible, and every month (sometimes more) I would drive five hours to visit them.  Until they entered college, I called them every single night.

My children are now grown with one in college and the other days from graduating.

During the trip to see one child's graduation, it became painfully apparent that I am now something my kids simply tolerate.  They believe me to be sexist, bigoted, and a host of other things.

Due to family law, I have never had much money to give them beyond child support.  I have been destitute.  I live in a shithole that my kids can't stand.

After a private dinner with with my ex at graduation, I became aware that there is likely nothing I can do that will cause them to want me around.  I'd add that this stands in stark contrast to my ex.

I am a big, fat zero to my children, and at this point I always will be.

They have been my entire life, despite the distance.  If they ever called, I dropped what I was doing.  I would make mad-dash trips to see them.  I always put them first.

But that no longer matters.

My ex tells me that anything I say to them sounds like I'm talking about myself, but the examples she gives make no sense to me in that respect.  In any case, it's difficult to put too much faith in her because we divorced because she was abusive.  She was always messing with my head, and I'm not clear that she isn't now.  Indeed, she tried to convince me to go off one of my prescribed medications on the basis that it was altering my personality.

(Gee, you think?  I have an anxiety disorder she caused.  I'm finally on meds that keep it in check, and she wants me to quit one.  Head games, anyone?)

Nevertheless, my kids can't stand me.  Texts go unanswered, even if they're full of praise (my ex's texts are answered).  Our phone calls are perfunctory, usually ending because they stop speaking.  My ex's phone calls are lengthy because she regails them with her imagined financial problems (she earns $90K) and full of details about her difficulty dealing with co-workers.

(And I'm the one that sounds like I'm talking about myself, apparently.  I never mention such details.  They're my problems, not my kids'.)

They really, honestly can't stand me any more.

I'm certain that if I had money to spend on them, it would turn things around -- but the reality is that I will die indigent in a charity bed.

I don't know what to do.

Frankly, suicide seems my natural option.  I've done what nature intended and successfully raised children to adulthood.  Nature is done with me, now.  I have no particular future other than the one I mentioned: an indigent death in a charity bed.

Now, before you go telling me that suicide isn't the right option, I can't for the life of me think of why not.  The only things I ever cared about are gone, by their own doing.  I will never be able to contribute to them financially (something my ex is only too eager to point out at every opportunity).

Furthermore, my mother is well-to-do.  When she dies, her heirs will receive about $250K each.  If I check out now, then her will adjusts, and my children will get some portion of my $250K -- which is more than they'll ever see from me otherwise.

My children, obviously, wouldn't care less.  It would be a relief to never have to worry about hearing from a racist misogynist that they can't stand.

As for myself, it will finally bring a close to the anxiety disorder left as a result of my ex's abuse over 13+ years.

So where's the downside, here?

I will never be anything other than a useless part of my children's lives.  I'm doing myself no favors continuing to live in poverty.

I'd mention I don't feel depressed.  I'm on medications that utterly prevent it.  I'm as clear-headed now as I've ever been.  I've just been re-evaluating the situation based on this information.

I keep coming back to the idea that it's time to check out, for everyone's sake.

No doubt my blood family would be hurt, but what do you do?

Any suggestions on winning back my children's affection (other than via money) is welcome.

Telling me that suicide is off the table -- for whatever reason -- is not welcome.

I am not depressed.  I know what that feels like, and I'm not.  Honestly, my medications make it impossible.

So again, suggestions as to winning back my children's affection are welcome.  If something seems reasonable, I will heed it.

But the reality is that they are estranged from me and probably always will be.  I cannot think of any possibility outside of winning the lottery as a solution.