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Unfortunately, without marriage, you must first demonstrate to the court that you are the father before you're recognized as having any rights.

You would NOT file divorce.  You would file a paternity action.

In your paternity action, you're going to have to outline what you want.

Since the mother is already living in another state, I think you have a major uphill battle to have your child returned locally.

Even if you don't have $2,000 for a retainer, I would suggest that you meet with an attorney as a consultation to hear what he/she has to say.  Some attorneys will do a free initial consultation, and others will charge their normal hourly rate.

You shouldn't tell an attorney that you have no money.  Go into the consultation as a person who is considering hiring an attorney.

See what they have to say about your case, including best strategy.

Some courthouses have family law information centers that help fill out paperwork.  You may wish to check into that in your county.

Also realize that you'll end up paying child support once paternity is established.

Not a fun road you're facing, but it's a necessary road if you wish to be an involved father.

The BEST shot you have at staying involved with this child is to move to where the mother is and then file your paternity action there.

This isn't about fairness or justice.  It's just how things work in child custody rulings.

Hi,

I would suggest that the "witness" be milked for as much information as possible about the mother.

Including where mom usually drinks, what drugs she takes, where she parties, etc.

Then give all that information to a private investigator to confirm.

The witness can testify, if willing.  It would be corroborated by the PI's testimony about what he observed.

The combined (or just PI alone) should give a judge serious concern about the mother and may temporarily change custody.

Hi,

As long as your documenting all the time you're spending with the kids, and as long as you're building plenty of witnesses along the way (e.g., teachers, doctors) that you're always the parent that picks-up and drops-off, you're pretty safe... if ever needed, you can prove that you've been the parent 90% of the time for quite a while.

You'll have to wait for something significant to happen before trying to go back to court to change to sole custody.

So... your speculation about her future bad choices isn't enough.  She needs to do something bad enough that a reasonable person would be concerned about keeping the current custodial schedule (i.e., on paper).

Until that happens, you're being the responsible parent, and you're raising the kids well.   Why throw a rock at a hornet's nest and change that if you don't have to?

:)

Hi,

The only reason you'd have to pay retroactive child support is if the mother is receiving any sort of public assistance.  Otherwise, you will only be ordered to pay child support retroactive to the date of the first filing for the paternity action.

It is not necessarily SO HARD to file this action on your own, but it's going to take some time to learn about how it's done.

I suggest that you first go to the courthouse in the county where the child is located.  If there is more than one courthouse in that county that handles family law, just pick the courthouse most convenient to you.

If you're not sure, go to google, type in your county name, the word courthouse, and the word family.  You should be able to find it pretty easily, or at least a courthouse number for whom someone could tell you where you need to go.

Many courthouses have Family Law Information Centers.  If there's one in your county, you can go there for help with picking the right form and filling it out.

You'll file a Petition for Paternity.

You'll propose orders for a parenting schedule within that Petition.  You'll write a declaration, in attachment, that pretty much says you were this kid's dad up until you got married, and then the mother terminated all contact between you and child.

Then, mother will respond.  If her family has money, they'll hire an attorney who will probably try to intimidate you.  I can't imagine that the mother will try to claim you're not the father.

The court may require that you two try to work it out in mediation before a hearing.

Then, finally, you'll either get a mediator to draw up papers, or you'll go to court.

Eventually, you'll get court orders that will outline when the child will be with you.

It is very BAD for your case that you haven't seen the child for 5 months and have been lackluster about filing a paternity action, regardless of reason.

You need to do it ASAP.  Ask plenty of questions, but do it ASAP.  Like... this week.

Hi,

Sorry for what you're going through.

Everything you're describing points to a long, drawn-out divorce and custody fight.  The mother is already showing that she's willing to act against the kids' interest, which means she'll likely stoop to nothing in her tactics.

It's imperative that you educate yourself ASAP on what is relevant with regards to the child custody matters.  Early mistakes can cost you years of uphill battles.

There is a book called "Win Your Child Custody War" by Hardwick.  It's among the best out there and is exhaustive on every step of the way.  If you go to my website (linked below), I've got a convenient link to it on Amazon.  Or just go to Amazon, search for "child custody" books and buy a couple of the best selling ones.

Don't worry about the financials-- they'll work themselves out over time.  Just make sure to start removing yourself from joint accounts, or remove funds from said accounts and put them in an account that you control.  Protect your joint assets as much as possible-- not for the purpose of hiding, but for the purpose of protecting against her liquidating prior to a ruling on how the finances will be split.

In the meantime, if you can get some sort of evidence of what your wife is saying of the children, that would be very valuable to your attorney at this stage.

Try to bait her in email or mail to repeat what she said of the girls not wanting to see you.

For example, send her a simple email in a civil tone, asking her to agree to a time that you can spend with the girls (give her a couple options).  If you're lucky, she won't be able to contain her venom.

Such evidence could be enough to get immediate orders on a parenting schedule.

Don't take these warnings lightly that you're heading into a tornado with no protection right now.

You'll got people who have been through this before telling you that you have major warning signs and red flags that you need an educated, proactive approach to ensure you have the best shot at an outcome that you feel is best for the kids.

This is a good discussion board on which to post, every step of the way.

Of what you outlined, the only relevant issue is what's going on at school.

However, identifying a problem isn't enough.  You'll have to lay out that mom is the primary contributor/cause of the school problems, that she is doing nothing to address the problems, and that it is to the child's extreme detriment to remain under the influence of mom's contribution to the school problems.

Evidence that would be very helpful would be affadavits/testimony from school teachers/administrators, school records, possibly affadavits from classmates' parents.

You may end up having to involve an evaluator who can help provide insight to the court as to the roots of the child's issues.  This may cost several thousand dollars.

You'll also need to demonstrate your plan for rectifying the situation and through convincing argument and evidence persuade a judge that mom lacks the ability to improve child's school problems and that your home can do it.

All of that said, if these problems existed prior to January, your shot is slim to none.

However, if all this cropped up after January, I think you have a reasonable shot at showing change of circumstance, if you do it properly.

As to all the other issues you outlined... blah blah blah.  She's not mother-of-the-year, we all know, as does the court.  But you have to talk in terms of tangible damage to the child, not an approach that mom's style is a tad chaotic.

Thanks for the apology.  His style is definitely not mine, and his perspectives on approach are definitely far from mine.

True, that's the harshest post I've ever made to Chris, but it's not for lack of empathy for his struggle.  Under a previous monikor, I've provided him plenty of support.

With every passing month, his chances of securing a new parenting schedule goes down... and if he was once as close to his daughter as he describes, it is a tragedy for both of them.

He has a huge struggle now.  He would have a different struggle in Colorado (i.e., perhaps including financial), but at least it would take him on to the next step to keep this father and daughter connected.

Tough love.  Kick in the butt.  Whatever.  We're all here to help, just different styles sometimes.

Kitten,

Not sure why you're so disagreeable to my posts to Chris.

My point is...

If he's not in Colorado, he DEFINITELY WON'T be anymore involved with his daughter than he currently is.

If he moves to Colorado, based upon the history he's outlined and presuming it's true (i.e., a decade of closeness with his daughter), he CAN petition the court of jurisdiction for a new parenting plan given his local proximity, and he MAY get a parenting plan that provides for greater contact between dad and daughter.

Mediation won't work, in that it requires two reasonable parties able to cooperate and compromise.  The mother has shown she has no interest in fostering a relationship with the father, and has taken efforts to thwart that contact.

The ONLY WAY Chris MAY have a chance to improve his situation is to move to Colorado.

Regardless of what's fair or what's just, that's the reality of his situation.

I'll pretend not to be offended that you believe anyone who launches a new website about child custody, and who disagrees with your perspective must be the same a-hole named Eric.

I am a different Eric who has happened to give Chris a small donation in the past for his efforts to move to CO.  This is likely more than most here have done for this young man.  As probably only one "Eric" gave him a donation, he knows who I am.

Empathy and good vibes support doesn't seem to have changed his tune (i.e., complaining about things he cannot change) in the past 6 months, so I'm switching over to tough love.

He may not be able to ever control what happens in the home of his daughter's mom, but I'm sure he'd be at much greater peace with it if he lived 5 miles away and saw his daughter frequently.

>I just get SO frustrated with a system and an ex wife that
>have taken away any power I had to raise my daughter.  The
>state simply makes orders because they don't care. They want
>their chid support funding from the government. My ex wife
>doesn't care because she is more concerned about herself then
>her daughter.


Nearly all of that is probably true.  This is why you need to be in Colorado ASAP, no matter the hardship to you.