Topics

Summary:

Co-worker was being slimey - racist sexist and a pig about anyone who did not meet his narrow idea of OK (blonde, blue eyed and protestant).  His actions while offensive would have been no big thing if he would have closed his mouth while others were on the telephone.

I brought attention to him about his actions. He started harassing me (waiting until others were gone and making personal comments to and about me). I took it to the office manager and he forwarded it to the Pres and vice pres. - company of less than 50.

The Pres said "play nice". I tried to maintain a professional attitude and continue to be civil when I needed to deal with co-worker. Co-worker waited until everyone was gone and then threatened me.

They called him to the corporate office for a "talk". He became hostile to everyone in the office. The company added some distasteful duties to my job for which I am paid $8 each and for which a male doing the same duties was given a commision of over $300 each. Then I was told to "play nice" again, while co-worker was allowed to work from his home (priviledge repeatedly denied to others in the company).

I was promised I could go full commission at the six month mark. I am now at the 7 month mark and have been denied, though it would be more profitable for the company.

Note: Co-worker is one of those who used to own the company. His father was a founder of the company. President used to be one of the owners/partners of the company. When the president met me he wanted to know how fast I can type. He "pooh-poohed" that I was working 50 hours a week and had managed to go through a 2 year work related school to get my license in 10 months -- something co-worker has been promising to do for 12 years and has not yet accomplished.

STATE is WA. I am going to speak with an attorney next week.

1.  I have witness evidence, emails, copies of records, etc which corroborate the events. How do I best prove that I was damaged by the events?

2.  I am not sure I want monetary damages (I would rather have Mr. Pres get fired), but I would have to ask for SOME amount. What amount should I ask for?

and went and got SS as per court order. BM came down for SS at the "end" as required and DH told her he would go back for SS tomorrow for regular visitation. She threw a fit and stormed off. Then came back leaving SS and then DH opened the can of worms... is SS in counseling? has mediation been initiated? etc. BM did the "I paid all my money to my lawyer" dance and "i have no money for follow through."

So I threw back that we have asked before for us to work it out... long story short, BM is being reasonable... and will be until her atty comes back from vacation. So I have a week to get a workable parenting plan past BM. Her catch phrase is "let's be flexible" and DH's is "show me where that's written in black and white."

We have standard forms in WA, so I have that. Basics are agreed to.

I need wording for :

1) a succinct clause for flexibility  for the purpose of SS's opportunities, including what defines a "good faith effort" and what is reasonable notification when asking for a trade of weekends,

2) how to allow for SS eventually having a life of his own(age 13 now) and

3) anything else to alleviate conflict before it arises from BM who can see no good in DH and DH who cannot trust BM to keep her word.

DH under three orders (CS, PP, and Temp Order -- last most current and it basically only orders EOW accces to Father... worded "Father will exercise his residential time every other weekend beginning ______________ date from X PM on Fridays to Y PM on Sunday").

3 hr drive between BM and DH. Holidays defined in PP as 12 noon to 6 PM. DH has odd Christmas. BM has odd Christmas eve. PP says father has child from beginning of winter break through 6 PM on Dec 23.

DH's EOW were/are the 12-14 and the 26-28th. DH's Atty insists this order trumps all else because of the wording and the fact it is most recent... Temp Order does not go into holidays, special occassions and does not require a trade to occur for DH to get his holidays.

It does allow for make up if Father's time is prempted by an "historical" activity of the CHILD's.  Basically treat's visitation of the father(NCP) as the only thing that needs made up... (common sense, as BM has the child most of the time anyway.)

BM and her atty are stating that BM will pick up child on 23, and DH must pick up at noon on 25th, BM will retrieve on 25th at 6PM and DH must pick up again for weekend visitation. That is the letter of the law. DH will do it if necessary, BUT...

DH wrote a letter to BM and to her atty that if she was refusing to go by the way things were done for the last 6 years and went strickly by the letter of the orders, then he would, but DH was open to any other arrangement that was in child's best interest... as the temp order allowed for an agreement to be signed by both parents in order to make changes.

1. Since there is now writing that makes DH look a bit inflexible, how does DH propose waiting for his weekend 26-28, so that Child and all his siblings... both families... does not have to travel 6 hours in the car on Christmas Day?

2. Is this one of those damned if you do, and damned if you don't situations..? (if he insists on Christmas with child, he is harming child, if he doesn't use his time, he is considered "disinterested"?)

3. BM has neither gotten child into counseling or scheduled w/ mediatior as she was ordered to do. Order is 60 days old. Is there anything we can do to prod.... er uhm..... coerce.... er uhm.... encourage her compliance with the order?

I am day trading on the Foreign exchange market. DH was mad that he can't figure out how to do it so he can make a living in his jammies too.  I am a lousy teacher so I am no help in edumacating him.

(And NOOOOOOO I do not use 4X made Easy. They are getting sued in a class action lawsuit so I went away from that idea.)

email me and I will tell you about the platform I use if you like. I am trading an account of less than $1500.... well it was less than $1500 on last Friday. Now it is over $1900. When I get to $2000 I will start pulling my profits off every Friday.... anything over $2K.

So being unemployed is not such a bad thing anymore.

I am also using my insurance adjusting skills to make some $$ as a PUBLIC ADJUSTER. If you are in WA and need some help with your large insurance claim, I will help you get more $$ for a small percentage of the claim. I get paid when you do. The small ones I will guide you to do it for yourself if you need help.

This morning DH's ex called up and told him "You win."

DH asked "I win what?" they had not been having any disagreements that he knoew of... since she has not returned his call in over 6 months he figured they weren't arguing.

"You win, SS is in jail," she said and hangs up.

Dh calls her back. She will not pick up. Dh bites his tongue and asks her to please call him and let him know what is going on and what she is talking about.

He calls 3 times over the course of the morning and then calls his mother and asks if she knows what BM  is tallking about.

It seems SS had met a girl and did not know their age difference -- he is not to be around anyone more than 24 months younger than him. He got all figitty when he was asked on his polygraph if he and the girl had had "relations". So since he failed they shoved his fanny in jail til next Monday.

If he fails on Monday, he does 36 weeks in Juvie... so since it is all DH's "fault" that SS can't tell the truth, or keep his body parts to himself, we are gonna hear it for the next 36 weeks at least from DH's mother.

MIL and BM are even trying to figure out how to bail him out. I say leave his fanny there for the next 5 days and let him get it into his head that this is serious stuff... such co-dependent behavior is harming him. You can't rescue a teenager from all of his consequences, or you kill his ability to make good choices and think out results of his own actions.

Many know Dh was laid off in June last year. He has worked off and on for various temp agencies since then and last week he went and joined the national guard (not saying I like the idea, but it is done now.) He also starts a new job (on call position) for one of the companies here at the port Monday the 5th. They have some awesome meidcal benefits ($300 a month for family medical, and $0 for vision and dental). So he has work (at least enough to pay his CS.) He does his Basic Training beginning in September with AIT to follow.

Yesterday I got a job temping  (for 6 months) for a company that self insures and they need help YESTERDAY! In addition to the work from home claims adjusting I do for a couple companies (which I can do in the evenings and on weekends.)

Before, we barely had one job between us and now we have 4! ...now, if we could just find childcare arrangements.

I am waiting for BM to stalk me here and go for more $$. Though I suspect that she would rather just leave things alone and hope I leave SS's probation alone (as a victim, I can mess him up for the next 10 months or so quite easily. The same people that say SS is doing well in treatment also say he is doing well in school. His progress reports keep showing up with 2 D's, 1 F, 2C's and a B-. His only A from a few weeks ago turned into a C trying to pull another F out of the gutter. BUt I digress into the bad news.

I keep thinking "I can pay off the American Express now!"

My grndfather died Saturday night. ( I miss him and we are a lose knit family.) My SS has had a nominal relationship with GGF although all memories for SS are good ones.

Because of SS' actions, he is restrained from attending MY family functions when my other children are there. The question is, should SS be notified?

Dh took a job out of state (contract work) for a good amount of money (enough to keep 2 households afloat) and I am suddenly finding myself a "single" parent with 2 energetic boys on my hands. There is no problem in the marriage, just a man out of work for 3.5 months and a STRONG work ethic which set him up to JUMP at the chance to work for  better than a living wage for once.

I am so overwhelmed that the only thing I can think of is that now I have to take the laundry back over. I know there is SOOOOOO much more to deal with, but I am not there yet.  DH leaves tomorrow morning at 3 AM.

DH has been dealing with packing and trying to get the OK for SS to fly down to him (It's a straight shot) and SS is in trouble with his treatment counselor AGAIN.

We have been going over finances and how we are going to keep it all together. SOOOOOOO much to think about.

BM called DH yesterday to confirm about SS's next visit. There was no conflict about that -- unusual  but not surprising, as BM thinks she is getting $$ out of MIL and FIL and will behave in the interim.

SHe then asks DH to limit his calling with SS, as she was just presented with a cell phone bill for $1500.

DH rarely calls SS except evenings and weekends, as SS has an extremely FULL schedule with tutoring, work release, and counseling, not to mention school starting Sept 7. DH told BM about how he calls. Then she wants DH to tell his brother to not call so much. It is MIL and FIL's cell phone unit (BIL has a phone on the same billing), but she wants DH to tell BIL not to call. I told DH it was not his responsibility what BIL, FIL and MIL do. And BM should call THEM and ask them to alter their calling times -- or have MIL and FIL talk to BIL, since it is their bill and we have no control over it.

I was just musing that I used to give myself an ulcer over SS and how his mother was raising him, with the lies and the lack of family loyalty (PA/HAP was prevalent) and the lack of discipline. Well, now SS is on the sex offender list for life, he has run up her phone bill and is only BARELY making a C-/D+ grade average and will probably just graduate. I'd say that all my worries did nothing to change BM, while the consequences of her actions are making all kinds of changes in her life. Too bad it is too late for SS.

I think that SS will grow up and look back and see what his father and I tried to teach him, though that may be a long hard trek down the road.

So we filed for unemployment

and we are working on the paperwork to downward modify the CS order and take into consideration the increased costs for visitation at the same time.

Has anyone had any luck in getting a child determined disabled for severe PTSD? Cause DS1 is in dire straits, though the counselor says there is nothing more she can do fro him until about puberty.

And I am on day 4 of a migraine. Gotta love it.

On the other hand, I have made about $1600 dollars at my home based business this month (first time in a long time) and we just refinanced teh house and paid off alot of bills (completed two weeks ago) so I know we will be OK - though things will get tight.

I received this email:

4honor;
 
There is some interest in a TV broadcast about PAS. Would you be willing to go public with your story about the ravages of PAS and how it affects children both in childhood and adulthood? Your story is bittersweet in that you have now reunited with your Dad, but have missed many years together.
 
We hope people such as yourself, who went through PAS, might be able to shed some light on the experience, in the hopes that no child should have to be subject to alienation from a parent. Stories like yours may prevent another child from experiencing what you went through.
 
Thank you for your consideration.
 
Robin Denison
[email protected]
//www.parental-alienation-awareness.com

So? What do you think I should do?

DH and his ex wife have had a consitently conflicted relationship. She beat him for all of the year they were married (and fro several months before hand) and the one time he finally pushed her away, she called police and got a restraining order. He was extracted from SS's life, though he had been "Mr. Mom" during the marriage.  BM has used every argument with DH as a reason to withhold visitation. DH had no money and could not afford a lawyer to bring contempt and did not know he could.  I came along and reminded him he had a backbone. BM went on the warpath.

She taught SS that his dad was not his dad. That his half brothers were not REAL. She taught him (really I have tapes of her bragging about it) that he did not have to listen to Dad (although a meeting of the board of education on his seat of knowledge changed that misconception pretty quick). Then BM told SS he should call police if he got spanked again. DH called the police station and got a detective who told SS that spankings were not child abuse. WHen that didn't work, she began telling SS that he should misbehave more at our house so that he didn't have to come (though he had a good time and had structure and a good balanced meal at our home.) Ss said she told him to do whatever it took and hurt whoever he wanted, since we weren't his REAL family like her and her other son. He began with shoplifting (DH just told him he wouldn't bail him out if he got caught and made him apologize to the store -- we caught him inside and put things back)... then he graduated to harming DS1 - took and stabbed 12 holes in the back of DS1's right hand -- DS1 was 3 at the time. On another occassion took a plastic rod and beat welts onto DS1's legs. A third time, SS tried to strangle DS1.

In the summer of 2003, DS1 and SS shared a tent at our annual camping trip. After everything came out, DS1 told us this is when SS first began abusing him. It happened to him for 18 months at least before we found out. DS2 it had happened from May of 2004 to November 2004. I almost caught the kids on one occasion -- and I should have went with my gut... but I had known this boy since he was 5. I kick myself all the time for not seeing sooner. But I digress.

During the week just after Christmas 2004 my sons indirectly told the babysitter about their (then 13 yo) half brother "rubbing his dinky on them and putting his dinky into their butts". Babysitter freaked and would not further discuss with the kids. Kids had said this in front of a son of a County Sheriff. That guy insisted that the babysitter speak to us and tell us that if police were not called in 48 hours, he would. Babysitter told me about the incident -- the kids had been pinching one another's buttocks and had been asked about it and the whole thing came tumbling out after that.

I sat down with each child privately (they communicate differently) and asked about what happened. I tried to decipher if they were actually abused or there was a misunderstanding.  They each confirmed that SS had required them to remove their pants and he had raped and sodomized them and required that they in turn place their genitalia on his buttocks.

That night I talked to my husband. I also looked online for what I, as a parent, was REQUIRED to do in my city and county.

The next morning we contacted SS's mother. She reacted defensively and gave the old line, "I'll do whatever I want with MY son  -- you can't control me" when she was asked to take certain steps so there would be no possibility of SS being further accused of anything (we were worried about both additional abuse and false charges if SS was alone with any other kids). She went ballistic over the phone. So the joint decision (hubby and I) was made to call the police right away. We wrote our concerns in a letter and had it ready to mail and we spoke to the police within seconds of signing, sealing, and stamping the letter.

We cooperated with authorities. We stood on the side of the kids and kept them from as much of the criminal investigation as we could. Our position was that the end result should be treatment for SS.

SS denied having done it for a long time. But apparently when his attorney started speaking to him without his mother present, he came clean.

During the course of the investigation, the case file was mislaid and the investigation stalled for 5 months. But it EXCEEDED the threashold of having a "good" case by about a mile. It was reassigned and the female DA took things pretty quick after that.

Through the hearings, BM was so focused on how this was affecting HER that she got several tongue lashings from our Judge. (You cannot imagine how hard I prayed for a wise and discerning judge to be assigned.)

I was floored when the judge KEPT Elliott after the first hearing... because BM had not completed the home study and "safety plan" with the probation office.... after all, she had 8 months from the original date to comply.  So SS stayed in Juvie for about 10 days until she got that completed. BM actually used the defense that "the probabtion officer does not return calls" to excuse her failure to get it done.  Judge stated that these were serious charges and until she complied with the requirements he could not in good conscience allow this young man back on the street. I wanted to get up and do the moonwalk or a Snoopy dance, but thought better of it.

I fought my in-laws about their position WITH  BM and my step son. I explained all the reasons SS would lie to his "Bible thumping grandma" about his "homosexual assault" on his little brothers (age 5 and 6 at the time it began.)  They still spread rumors that I was taking revenge on SS for all the harm done to me as a child (not true -- cause if that were the case I would have killed SS early on in all this).

The case went forward on the word of DS1 and DS2 alone.

I told the DA that I was not interested in punishment so much as making sure this was never going to happen again to another child. I also asked for a no-contact order for the younger boys, so that I would not have to fight the family to ensure that SS's presence was not forced on DS1 and DS2.

A week before the trial, the lie detector came back. SS had admitted to abuse of both DS1 and DS2 - though he was only charged with DS1's rape, as DS2 was too shy to talk about what happened until he got to know the DA better. SS agreed to plead guilty in exchange for a recommendation to the SSODA program (Special Sex Offender's Disposition Alternative.) SS had about a hundred conditions of release, but he was put on probabtion with this treatment program mandatory (twice a week meetings and individual counseling too.)

SS was convicted of Child Rape I - a felony. He is on the sex offender registry in the state of Washington but only as a level I offender -- which is not listed on the public websites. His school counselor, principal and all his teachers know. Some of his classmates know and that has been hard on him.  He is making progress in treatment (it has a 12% recitivism rate -- but normal treatment has a 30% recitivism rate and no treatment has greater than 50% reoffend rate.)  

SS has had to go back for a hearing to see if he was going back to finish his sentence in juvenile detention. He'd had being alone with kids greater than 2 years his junior on one occassion, he had been about town without a responsible adult (over 21) though BM KNEW her son who is 18 would not suffice. And SS had missed a meeting with his PO.  All three were heard at the same time. BM and my MIL and FIL paid a $500 bail bond to get him out before trial.

BM blames this all on DH... and on me. I did not do the act. I did everything to make the best out of a horrible situation and I have only had one relapse in front of the younger boys about SS.... pretty good in the 17 months of dealing with all this crap (13 of which I have been unemployed/unemployable).

I have taken the kids to therapy. I have kept the (very tight) budget fluid enough to have $$ for DH to continue his visitation with SS -- even when it meant that the other kids get top ramen twice a week instead of something more nutricious. (How many people can you feed with 2 chicken thighs and a stalk of celery?) My life insurance and My car payment are overdue. BUT BM wants DH to spend $40 on a motel so that DH and SS can spend more time together -- now that she has to be with him every minute he is not at school, custody is not so fun, I guess. AS it is, DH is doing 3/4 of the transportation again.

So, we pay $180 a month in therapy, $300 in CS (we are at 50/50 on the CS order - so BM is supposed to spend HER $300 a month on him too, but doesn't.) Prioperty taxes jumped on our house by 50% this year.

The additional stress is taking its toll on me and I have had 2 hours in the last 6 months without a headache and I get migraines on top of them. I have become an insomniac and I sleep less than 4 hours a night -- when I do sleep. I was also just told that I have 3 genetic markers for cancer and given the family history, I have not a 50/50 chance of getting an agressive cancer (like I thought) but closer to 80% chance in the next 5 years.

And the kicker, I just turned 40. Somehow that was the last straw in my mind. I snapped and told DH's family what I think of them and have refused to see any of them until I am ready. They were so shocked that they have been more considerate of DS1 and DS2 (although I don't think my SIL is ever going to forgive me for saying she is a gold digger and sold unfettered access to her kids to grandma for $30K -- since before the $$ she was denying access to the inlaws and suddenly they can have access any time they want.) Hmmm... again I digress.

It looks like SS is going to violate out of the SSODA program. He is failing several classes (it is required he pass) and he has been absent without an excuse on several occassions.

I am vascillating between taking the high road and hating the little pervert. Regardless, I vent HERE. No matter how I feel, I have acted in SS's true best interest at all times. I refrain from killing BM (in my most insane moments) and thereby making sure SS goes to foster care, because it would hurt SS MORE to see her go (miserable PASing bitter old woman that she is) than to let this play out and pray for a better future for him. We can see the light at the end of the tunnel now since the boy turns 16 on November 1.

BM MADE him this way and is now trying to blame DH for how a child (one he was kept from seeing for over 50% of visitation over the years) turned out. BM was bitter until the end and now that she has ruined this child, she is not happy with the result. WELL DUH!

My kids say "don't bring him back until you fix him". I don't want to put them in that position at all until they get old enough to choose whether to have a relationship with him or not on their own. It is likely that one boy will choose to see him when they are grown and the other will not. It is up to them. They were the ones hurt, not me. The boys are dealing in different ways. The older (DS1) wants to escape in Nintendo games. The younger wants to escape in his school work and books.

It is hard on us all. DH is a splintered man trying his hardest to keep us all afloat and keep his son from destroying what is left of his life before it ever really gets started.

So, literally, my husband is ordered to pay to support my children's rapist. Only in America!

That is our story. It ain't pretty, but it's true.

Got SS's report card. He is failing Algebra and BAND -- yep, I said Band. This is a kid that is doing C or D work in his other classes and carries 3/4 of a load for a freshman in high school.

The sad part is that DH is nearly powerless to change this for SS. SS's recent conviction, the no contact order with DS1 and DS2, BM still in conflict mode, it all adds up to a big fat "L" tattoo on SS's forehead. It is hard to continue to keep SS's best interest in mind under the circumstances. At this point, all I can do is pray SS makes it to adulthood safely and sanely.

[Lately, I am not much help to DH. The almost constant migraines make it impossible for me to finish a job interview without them asking about my headaches -- who wants to hire a person who's productivity drops into the crapper 3 out of 5 days?]

Of course, BM insists that DH just shell out $45 bucks to rent a hotel room in her town and stay there (absorbing all travel costs himself in the process) for his visitation -- that would be the $45 bucks we don't have cause it goes into the gas tank to GET there. And what would DH eat or feed SS with while there? DH responds that it isn't financially feasible to do that, and BM tries to turn it around about "everything being about money" with DH. He has given up trying to get her to understand that Elliott is not his only concern financially... that he has 3 other people he supports and money is a physical thing. It cannot be in two places at once.

I have started a website to sell the jewelry and accessories I make (good stuff, very good quality, fashionable - email me for the website address if you are interested). I give 2% of profits to charity -- and SPARC is on the list of intended charities. But I am designing the site. I have been learning this the hard way - trial and error. I have kept costs down (spent less than $100 so far) to get it up and running. Who knew those BASIC programming classes I took in college in the early 80's would be of any use?

Oh, I was venting. Sorry, the migraines seem to minimize my attention. I think I am done now.

BM has determined that she doesn't have to co-parent cause SS was put back in Juvie. She "forgot" to take him to a treatment meeting (mandatory by criminal court order) and he is restrained from taking public transportation, and the place was 6 miles from home.

 BM didn't take him and now he is back in Juvie.

She is REALLY pissed, because she has to PAY taxes (cause DH is such an awful parent and won't LET her have HIS tax deduction), and on top of that, DH could not get the time off from work to go to SS's hearing, and SS is detained again for failure to comply with his probation conditions. BUT of course, it MUST be all DH's fault for not coming to the the hearing.  Stupid 6!t@h!

I am frustrated that she demands to do everything her way with SS, on her own (except that $$ part), and refuses to do anything DH suggests for SS (no matter how much he needed proper medical care and counseling), but when SS self destructs, it is all DH's fault according to BM. The distance and the lack of funding to continuously fight BM in court for access to SS made it next to impossible to change the outcome on our own. She literally has had this all her own way and now hates DH for it.

DH has stepped up each and every time BM lets him in on what is going on with SS -- he cancelled his plans with his cousin one weekend so that he could chaperone a school function that SS had to be at -- even though DH only had 5 hours sleep and 15 minutes notice.

DH is so fed up that he is almost hoping SS will go into foster care, just so that he can finish his treatment without BM's interference. And the kid NEEDS to finish that treatment program... short of divine intervention, there is little hope to "Cure" SS from his pedophilia.

Today I turned 40.
I am not particularly happy about it, but there it is.

I did receive my whopping $3400 tax refund (document document document works with the IRS too.)

But I also learned that SS has a court date on March 1 to see if they re going to violate him (Yep, Already!) for failure to make it to one of his meetings.  I guess I gave BM too much credit. Could not make 100 days without messing it up.

On another note, my brother (well one of them) called from the other side of the US and wished me happy birthday and my Dad did too. Then our best friends came over and made me a 1/2 gallon Strawberry Marguerita. I drank it all and I am soooooooo fffrrreeaakkiiinnggg mmmmeeellllllllllooooowwww!

DH has been a prince all day and treated me royally. So I guess it has not been such a bad day after all. I think I shall go crawl in bed and make Dh rub my backside.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-982704336400793600

download may be long, but this is worth the wait.

DH's job, while being steady and having decent medical/dental benefits... well, it doesn't pay well. He was denied raises for the past few years due to a couple injuries and some stress that was perceived poorly.

HOWEVER... Dh just got a $0.75/hour raise! That should just about cover the increase in visitation costs since SS abused the LO's.

On another note, if she will just sign the 8332 -- as required by court order we could file our taxes... getting over $3K back! I am pumped.

we have to figure out what the heck we are doing and file for a change in parenting plan based on the fact that SS has a no-contact order with DS1 and DS2.

SS is also going to have to register as a sex offender in the state of WA.

So if you have a child under 15 at Bellingham High in Bellingham, WA, email me.

SS pled guilty as charged to rape of a child in the first degree.

SS (charged with Child Rape in the 1st Degree) is pleading guilty. The polygraph was not his friend, but we found that he has had no other victims (than DS1 and DS2). Sentencing is in Dec. I am a little miffed that he made the younger boys wait until 3 days before court to decide to take a plea bargain.

And then..

My brother called me out of the blue last night. He has been the perfect father and NEVER said or allowed anything bad to be said about his ex if there was a remote possibility of his 2 sons hearing. (He is on the east coast and she is in WA with the younger son (age 17). So it was quite a shock when he told me last night that if he had killed his ex when he wanted to, that he would have been "out" last year instead of looking at CS and PA(S) until Mid June 2006 when my nephew enters the Navy.

SS took a polygraph last week. Either the results are in and he failed, or the results aren't in ... since BM has not called to gloat. Thats good news.

They LOs are more and more sure of themselves in how they are reacting to this. The counseling is helping them with some coping and social survival skills. And that is good.

On the other hand, this has reduced the amount of time that DH has with SS, as there just isn't enough money to have visitation with SS elsewhere  and DH's parents have only stepped up to one time a month having him there -- since they have obligations at Church in the nursery and cannot bring SS in there with them. And that is bad.

I have found some temp work and have caught up the bills. That is good.

But I have a hole in my stomach the size of Alaska from the commute (2 hours in and 2 hours back). and that is bad.

The saga continues...

BM continues to make herself look like she is nuts... she started a confrontation today IN THE JUVENILE COURT HOUSE!!! Dh is stressed, but he is behaving well in spite of blaming PBFH for SS being in Juvie (she did nothing to put a "safety plan" in place for 9 months).

The detention re-eval was expedited, but not everything was in place for Ss to be released. The DA that is handling warned us he would likely stay until the home study was completed. The Defense is upset that he is staying cause a home study can take up to a month in our county... But SS's county is quicker at it. The minute the report is sent a new detention hearing is to be set.


BM almost got Detained herself in the court room, cause she kept trying to touch SS... not allowed if she has "stuff" on her person. So while she was occupied ignoring the Police in the court room, we were trying to exit. The Public defender (original/temporary) stopped us just outside the door and asked a question. DH started to answer and then the victim's assistant pulled us aside and we started toward the door. BM was being pushed toward teh door by the police/guard and starts in about she hopes "you" (whether it was to me or to DH, I do not know) are happy now and tries to grab DH's arm. DH pulled his arm away and we kept walking. She was not in sight when DH and I came out of the bathroom. But I saw about 4 court personnel headed her way as we continued on.

Talked to the prosecuting attorney (a female). She says she (and others) read my victim impact statement and it was VERY well done. That it was well thought out and touched on many many areas. She says she has read hundreds of Victim impact statements and had never had one as well done... that it ought to help make the whole process easier.

On the other hand (get this) BM says this is all a conspiracy to hurt HER through her child. She is looking more and more UNSTABLE and SS may not be released to her when all is said and done. I think she may try to do the right things, but she is not going to be able to get over the "injustice of it all" and will mess it all up at the worst possible moment. I feel bad for SS having to go through this with HIS mother as the one calling the shots for him... Its awful having to not only suffer the consequences in your own actions, but the actions of your insane parent.

BM brought SS to court -- we were concerned she might not show, but she was there before we were.

Judge (male) had the DA hand over the inch thick discovery packet to the public defender. The probabtion officer, the DA, and the defense table (including SS, BM and Pub Def) are all seated in front of the judge at their respective tables. The Everyone introduces themselves and then the DA lets the judge know that the "victims" are in the court room -- we correct him that the parents of the victims are in the room.

Quick interjection of background here: the probation department sets up the "safety plan" so that if possible the juvenile can be released with the safety plan in place. IF the supervision is lacking, they request detainment.

Probation pipes up that since BM has been uncooperative to date, that they are requesting detainment. The DA concurs, and adds the note that due to the severity of the charges he requests detainment. BM starts "weeping" uncontrollably and carrying on.

Judge verifies the blubbering one is BM and then finds DH in the back next to me.  The defense tries to ask BM questions about what she is willing to do to make sure SS and all others around him are safe. She spews drivel and promises just about anything.  So BM has had her say and judge turns to DH. He says he would like SS released to strict house arrest at BM's (but only if SS is either at school or in his mother's presence at all times).

BM tries to make it all about what we have or have not done with regard to visitation. the judge silences her and rules that SS will be detained because of the severity of the charges, he is a danger to himself and the community. BM lets loose with wailing to add to her weeping and cries that she took the entire day off work to deal with this matter.

Judge looks at BM and says, "Ma'am, I need you to stop weeping and look me in the eye so that I know you get this." And proceeded to spank her for diminishing the charges in front of her son, and for not doing anything to get this situation resolved (no counseling, not responding to probabtion, not contacting any attorney... nothing) and told her that her failure to act has brought us to this place.

Pub defender tried to push through a hearing to the afternoon, but the wheels of justice are not swift (except when they are taking a man's money) it was scheduled for Monday. BM was beside herself and kept wailing, " BUT HE'S A GOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDD BBBBBBBOOOOOYYYYY!"

Judge answered that he better be a good boy while in detention. Made her cry more. I sat there on my hands biting my tongue so as not to draw attention to the fact that I was doing the snoopy dance inside for BM's judicial dressing down.

All the while DH is sitting there stunned silent. The Victim's Assistance office assured us this was a formality and SS would likely go home. They also assumed that BM had cooperated with the probation office. We were all surprised (I think the coordinator next to us had her mouth hanging open too.)

If BM had not failed to make contact with the Probation office SS would have gone home until the pre-trial conference. I am partly relieved he is off the street -- I believe he will reoffend without treatment. I am also saddened for SS that his mother basically shot him in the foot.

The moral of this story is that you shouldn't ignore the calls of the peons in the justice system when you child is on trial for a felony.

For those of you who have read my ramblings for the past couple years, would you think the same thing of me as my former boss/mentor? The background is like this:

SS lives in B'ham.

About 2 weeks ago someone in B'ham went to the home of several sex offenders posed as an FBI agent and is the likley suspect in the murder of 2 of the 3 (3rd one went to work as the guy came in).

I went to lunch with John, my old boss (he feels guilty about how they laid me off and once a month takes me out to eat on the company card - but that is off point). At lunch John brings up the killings of the two men and indicates that he thought for a monent I may have had a hand in it... trying to set up the killing of SS or in the alternative, PBFH.

Now, just for clarity: SS is not dead and I did not have anything to do with the sex offenders' deaths.

Now how many of you oldsters would think me capable of plotting this?

I ask because I am trying to judge how I come across. Don't be shy, I can take it.

on the other hand, Two things:
      1) I have thought briefly that it would make a good Law & Order episode -- so technically I guess I had THOUGHT of the plan -- not that it is original.
      2) The man they are looking for resembles SS ALOT - though they are looking for a "fortyish" man and SS can't pass for that.

My MIL says she does not believe her grandson (SS) would EVER rape/sodomize/harm either DS1 or DS2 (also her blood related grandsons) and is appauled that we would let SS stand trial for Child rape I with no physical evidence. Her stated reasons for this is that DS1 (the one the charge is being made on, since DS2 is too young to be a credible witness) should have showed immense physical signs... what crap is that? I am convinced that she was so protected from bad things throughout her life, that she could not recognize a truly evil act if it walked up and introduced herself.

I want to keep her from spreading her poison to my sons. What if she tries to "save" SS by convincing DS1 that it never happened? I WILL push for witness tampering in that case.

I am frustrated to the point of wanting to cut all ties with her (we have been good friends until now) at least until SS confesses or is tried... and then maybe not even then.

This has been a hard week, and its only Tuesday.

I am looking into training to become a GAL.

In my state, it takes a training seminar (4 days) and either be a lawyer or have 5 yrs experience with children & families involved in disputes over parenting issues, dissolution or parentage determinations (I got that). Takes a background check and some other "screening" things.

If I can't change the laws in my state (yet) to presume shared parenting for 2 fit parents, then I can do something for individual families.

In my county a GAL is given 30 days to get the report done and the parties are given 60 days before trial to read the report (if everything goes as it is usually ordered.) What do they need a full 30 days for? Families deserve better service than that. They should not be in limbo for that long.

Dh's Ex has some big brass ones... says she will not "allow" Dh to purchase train tickets for the ride FROM BM's house (though she wants SS to ride the train TO her house) ...

because (get this, drum roll please) she does not have OUR credit card to pick up the e-ticket at the Amtrak station (even though we give her the confirmation number)...

so she demands we pay for weekend tickets (and return SS instead so she can buy the cheaper Friday tickets) unless we want to give BM our credit card to make picking up the tickets easier for her.


Next nomination PLEASE!

My company laid off several workers today. I was one of them. SO keep us in your prayers. I am highly employable but there are alot of others unemployed in my state too.

BM called and offered the first half of Christmas Break, including Christmas Eve and Day. (There is a 6 hr round trip between homes with 50/50 transport.)

Wonder when the sniper is going to start shooting.

She never does something nice without trying to do something crappy after that...(like trying to move out of state without notifying us).

I don't trust her as far as I can throw her big fat pBFH hiney.

(And I don't mean run BM over with a BUS)

I am donating my hair to locsk of love.

We are siting on the brink of being able to go for custody, threshold has been met, but DH has not moved anything forward in 13 months.

Now the vent part...

DH is antagonistic with PBFH. I write a letter to BM that it the least antagonistic as possible given BM's penchant for drama-queen-I-am-the-ultimate-victim mentality and he changes the wording around and adds this useless macho posturing crap... sends it via email... can you say, "You left a paper trail of your poor behavior Dude?" I am so frustrated that I actually thought about walking out the door and not coming back. I have gotten to the point that I hate my SS more than half the time for the crap he and BM pull and DH is working his way into third place on the doo doo list. We have a nice romantic weekend and then he goes nuts again on BM and starts another verbal fight. She is no angel and deserved it, but he is doing himself ALOT more harm than good. I have disengaged as much as I can with SS and that helped. Walked away from the court orders boogie and that helped. I don't allow DH to go off to our friends cause he looks like a crazy man lately, but he needs to vent somewhere.

I am on medication to avoid the non-stop anxiety attacks I would otherwise live with. I was being harrassed at work by a co-worker and because I blew the whistle, the company president (co-worker's buddy) retaliated. My migraines are daily now and the medication is $8 a pill to stop them. I work 50-60 hours a week to avoid going home and seeing how bad the position DH has placed us in today is. I see the waste of the $10K his parents shelled out and I know that it should have been a loan. I got a credit card to place tax deductible stuff on  (gas for my work, improvements to the house, etc.) and he has charged over half the balance with CRAP (Slurpees and videos). He's out of control. I lied before, I am not frustrated, I am angry. HOWEVER, I made a commitment before God and I intend to keep that commitment, especially since I also know that feelings are transient and I won't always feel this way.

So now the questions...

Do you ever feel like I do?
How do you get beyond it? (both with your family and personally)
Have any of you had any luck getting your second family into family counseling?
Does it ever get any easier?
Is there anybody out there willing to put me out of my misery?