Messages

Of course you can and should tell a child that you miss and love them and want to see them . . . . but there are healthy ways to do that, and unhealthy ways. As the adults, it really is our burden to bare . . . this is not the child's fault, the divorce or separation. The people I have seen who are UNhealthy in telling a child they miss them do things like "Honey, Mommy misses you so much I go to sleep crying every night" or "The days are so empty without you, I can barely function" or they burst into tears every time they have to separate . . or they give the kid a cellphone and tell the kid to call several times a day . . . or they go and get a hotel room close to where the child is visiting the other parent and the child KNOWS they are there, waiting on them . . . basically making it the child's responsibility to keep Mommy (or Daddy) happy. Well, of course parents miss their kids when they aren't there - it would be abnormal not to. It's just not a child's job to make parents happy - EVER - even in intact families. And they are powerless anyway - no matter how badly they feel that the parent is missing them, they usually can't get in the car and drive over and make things better. In fact, in many situations, they can't even TALK about how much they worry about the other parent's wellbeing (and how sad is THAT?) So why burden your kid with feeling they have a job to do takign care of you but that they can't do it? So, you know, at the end of a conversation on the phone it's ok to tell them you miss and love them (they need to hear that they do matter to you), but without making them feel like your life is an empty aching hole only they can fill (even if it feels that way sometimes - don't tell them!).  

order, then he needs to send her a certified letter to that effect, state that he will consider further actions on her part to be interference and will file police reports every time she doesn't meet the CO. Now, if it was just an agreement between them it's a different story - he's either going to have to take her to court or find some way to reassure her or work back to what he wants for visitation. I'd be curious to know if she changed the schedule based on some legal advice that she got - and, yes, it depends on the crime. If he's being investigated for, say, participating in a porn ring then she's doing the right thing. If it's just corporate embezzling, then perhaps not. If he's been cleared, he might be able to get someone in the FBI to vouch for that in a letter (altho I doubt it) for her.

Sounds like a messy situation. Sorry it's happening to you!

The jurisdiction thing is one way to approach this, in court.

How detailed is the CO in terms of when and where you can visit your child? if it is vague, then you should go back to court and get it specified - you will see your child on the third weekend of every month, list times and locations. I also think you should fight to get unsupervised visitation. If there is no abuse, then there's no reason for supervised, esp with a child that's nearly 1 yr old and, one imagines, no longer breastfeeding.

The first thing I would do, right now, is send your ex a certified letter in which you state that she is interfering with your access to your child and that you will pursue a legal remedy. If you can find out what the California statutes say regarding visitation interference, include that in there as well as a copy of the CO with the text related to visitation highlighted. In our state, for example, it is illegal for one parent to deliberately "hide" the kids from the other and interfering with court ordered visitation can result in fines. In that letter, state the date and time of your next visit with your child. Forewarn her that if she doesn't show, you will file a police report.  Copy your lawyer, and hers. Then the next time you go down with the intent to visit, file the police report (she won't show, I bet.)

If you don't know where to find her to send such a letter, you do have a problem. Send it to whoever on her side of the family you have an address for. Sometimes just filing a police report is enough to fix things, esp combined with very specific visitation outlined in the CO.

any reason you can't move closer to your child?

No matter what comes of this, you are doing the right thing by your SD. She needs to know someone believes her and cares that this happened. Chances are she will be very angry with her Mom over this as the years pass.

Meanwhile, do exactly what DFS tells you to do but don't stop paying child support (it's tempting to do so, but you have to have a CO to stop it). This is just the initial investigation and doesn't mean anything yet - they have not confirmed or denied the allegations. Also, you have a right to record all these interviews as they happen, if you want to (at least, the ones you and your DH are involved in). Our experience with CPS was positive in the sense that we now have custody of my skids and their Mom is in jail for what she did to them, but even during the process it was clear that the social workers are not on anyone's "side" - likewise, they are not on your "side." For example, in our case, my DH ended up being accused of negligence even though BM was the one who was CP and had done everything in her power to keep him from being involved in what she did. Sometimes the state forces both parents to be "charged" when only one is at fault. Hence, the reason for recording everything, keeping all records, and informing your lawyer promptly. In addition to this investigation, there should be a police investigation of the stepdad - and you might want to contact a lawyer or call the DAs office to find out if that depends on DFS recommending an investigation or if you can call to report it to them as well.

Good luck and hang in there.

what they are doing. Maybe they are just generally inappropriate with their kids and they don't think about the impact that their own hatred of the other parent - and the many ways in which it is demonstrated - is having on their kids' behaviors? That's the only way I could think to explain why someone who loses their child b/c of PAS would say "I didn't do those things." Either that or the manipulation and deception is such an entrenched habit that they feel completely comfortable playing the victim yet again.

BM in our sitch was like this also. First of all - the kids do eventually get tired of it and see through it. The key with SD is to always tell her things like "It must make you really uncomfortable to hear that about us/your Dad. It's unfair for your Mom to put you in the middle like that." and encourage her to tell her Mom that she needs to keep the discussion between your DH and her.  Give her your side of the story only in a limited way - as in, "Yes, we are taking your Mom to court because we would like to spend more time with you and your Mom won't agree to that without a judge telling ehr to do so." (SD probably is already aware of her Mom;s control issue here) Also if she is old enough, read her the standing CO so she knows what the current status is. My skids were particularly interested in the part of our CO that said neither parent was to bad mouth the other.

As for the phone - I had to work pretty hard with my DH on this, but eventually he got it. When speaking with BM, always have an issue that you want addressed, or end the conversation. If she is anythign like our BM is, she will drag you through a continuous chain of arguments simply to argue . . . there's no point. So your DH must learn, when he senses this, to calmly repeat the issue at hand (i.e. "BM, I called to find out when I could pick SD up. What time works for you?") and if her response is an irrational comment of any kind he is to - again, calmly - say "OK BM, I can see that now is not a good time to discuss this. I will be there to pick her up at 6 (or whatever - alternatively just tell her he'll talk to her later when she is ready to be civil). Goodbye." and HANG UP. Yes, HANG UP. It is rude, but it's the only way. Other options include not talking to her unless it's at a time when you know SD is not home (like she's at school). Finally, it's worth it to tape phone calls. You can get cheap recording equipment at Radio Shack to do this - might want to check if it's legal to do it without her consent. If not, simply inform her at the beginning of each conversation that the call is being taped. That might keep her honest (your DH, also!)

Seems like a common theme for an NCP parent to start asking for more time when they have a relationship - I think there are a lot of factors involved in that, including possibly a new sense of self confidence and of having something to offer the kids? Romantic relationships seem to cause a generally improved sense of self across the board. She might be encouraging him - but that could also be because she wants her baby to have siblings and/or she just feels it's the right way to parent. Still, her motives are not something you can really consider. At 23 with a baby she may have the sense to know that she needs someone older and a bit more stable than her fellow 23 yr old males - one of whom just burned her pretty badly. So all you can consider, really, is what your ex has a right to - as the girls' father he has a right to contact, visitation as ordered and more as you allow or the court agrees with. If he lives close enough by, closer to 50.50 is possible, but not for a while I would think. Sometimes that's a hard thing to accept, esp when we have questions about the situation in the other house. But at any rate, I think that any change would happen gradually. You can discourage "extras" at this stage if you have a real concern about him moving her into the kids' lives too fast - maybe tell him that "extras" that are him and the girls are fine, but that you have concerns about the GF b/c if the relationship doesnt last, your girls will have to deal with losing her also, as well as a baby they may come to love. Just things to consider. Ultimately he has the right to decide who the girls are around when they are with him, but you can certainly voice your thoughts. Nicely. Once. Good luck.

so if you don't want her in the house, you can wait on that. she probably will get one, but it will give you some time.