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It's good to factor in the developmental age of the child, and understand that this type of "call me so-and-so" stress is very unfortunate for the younger ones.

It's most important to remember that we can always put our energy into being a good role model, a supportive caregiver, and a loving presence in our children's lives - whether they call us Hey Yo or "dad."

We put the significance onto the name, and this can be a mistake. It may not match what the child's views on us are. The child will relate to all the love, support, respect, patience and dignity we can muster during these difficult times living apart.

You're the only one who can answer those questions. What you want and need is completely up to you. How to get those things, however, surely could use some problem solving help. First, spend some time figuring out what your best outcome would be. Then you can begin the planning phase. Listen to your own heart, follow your own instincts, make your own plan. Be careful to use other people's experiences to set your sites; they may be very different from you and their paths may not mirror yours.

In response to your pondering:
"So I'm not sure even my son knows what he wants right now."

Good for you. A kind and thoughtful place to go, although more difficult and challenging than finding documentation for an adversarial court battle.

It's a great place for you to continue on with - this exploring what your son wants. Have you considered a parent-teen mediation? He's telling you something, and it's hard not only for you to figure out, but obviously for him, as well. The mediation may or may not involve the mom, too. This would give you a chance to find a safe place to tell him what's important to you, as well.

You clearly have a good heart and much concern for this growing young man, and the questions you ask are impressively compassionate. Certainly, these situations are never easy, but they can be made less stressful and angry by some decent, well-guided conversations. Much luck to you.

It's good to be educated as you can, especially when dealing with weighty fees to attorneys, for traveling, child support, and related expenses to living apart.

When jurisdiction is up to the discretion of a particular judge, orders across the country (and within states) are going to seem inconsistent, for sure. Sometimes in a complicated matter, a court will defer to another state's jurisdiction, sometimes it will not. Important to note, in addition, that the 6-month jurisidictional shift normally addresses custody-visitation issues, and not child support cases. Also, requesting a telephonic appearance (while not the best scenario) is certainly a possibility when the travel is impossible and/or too expensive.

Is this for a modification of child support, or is the issue more connected to seeking a parenting time order? Again, these things are complicated sometimes to the point of utter confusion, but it's good that this forum is here to gather info, heed warnings, take encouragement, and learn. Agreed, however, that giving what amounts to legal advice can be an unfortunate business for someone when every situation exists in its very own bubble.

Although you didn't hit on this directly, I am wondering if your daughter was asking mom to allow her to move in with her?

It would seem that your daughter has some issues that she would like to work out with you. You don't need to change all your rules. However, as young girls become women, we need to re-evaluate our parenting by bringing them into creating the home guidelines. By defining what is important to you (e.g., her safety, her education, respect, responsibility etc.) and finding out what is important to her (e.g., freedom, friends, etc.), you can brainstorm some parameters together.

In this way, she's much more likely to stick around, appreciate being brought into the decision-making, and enjoy the improved relationship and communication with her dad.

There are two types of custody: legal and physical. The parent who is is granted physical (also known as residential) custody is the one who may receive child support. The parent who has been granted visitation is known as the non-custodial parent, and may be required to pay the child support. Legal custody means decision making, and joint is the most common form. If there is disinterest, abuse or danger (or abduction threats), then sole may be granted.

A child support modification usually requires a substantial change in circumstances. Connecting child support payments to one's right to have parenting time is not seen in a good light. One is money to ensure a good quality of a child's life due to the split, the other is the time you spend with your child and should never be connected to money owed to or by a parent.

I wonder if you've considered improving communication between you and the dad? The courts are there to address legal issues outside the realm of what can be handled between the parents. The best scenario for the children, obviously, is to see two parents working together to keep conflict down, thereby providing the parental role models that are imperative to growing up capable of looking for a mate who is respectful and communicative.

With hope, you will find a way to move away from the numbers and toward a more positive way of working through what ails you.

Good luck.

There are a few types of mediation methods. When we are dealing with parties experiencing broken and fragile family difficulties, the type of mediation matters. Quick fixes and signed agreements often do not last the for long run.


If getting a written and signed agreement is the main mission, the possibility of ongoing conflict is likely.

Not to bore you with the details - but simply put -  helping people change the way they communicate during moments of conflict is family mediation at its best. The legal process isn't necessarily hampered by the use of mediation during an adversarial process.

But it is important for parties to find themselves in the driver seat, making the choices, thinking through options, brainstorming. Guiding the attorneys to represent what their values are, not asking for things they don't really want.

No party should be under the impression that he or she will be making compromises. Mediation should be brainstorming, talking about what matters to you, hearing the other party's concerns. Pure and simple. It may take many sessions, it may be hard work. The lasting agreements take harder work. Usually louder work, too.

Please ask your mediator questions. What's the training, what's the approach, what is the mediator looking to accomplish? Look for mediators who believe in transforming the parties and their conflicts into productive moments, who believe that getting the two of you talking is good stuff, that compromise is a dirty word, and that the hard work of collaboration is worth the effort.

Good luck.