Parental vs biological rights, please help.

[Neversaynever]

DH just found out, in BM's written statement, that she is allowing DH's son to see his biological father on a regular basis.  DH adopted the child and the child has known him to be daddy for several years now.  Now that BM and DH are no longer together, she brings up this statement that the bioligical father is/has been an active part of the childs life.

O.k., don't get me wrong about the biological thing here.  But DH has 50/50 and pays support for HIS child.   Bio-dad gave up his rights when the child was 6 months old and had nothing to do with the child for this entire time.  If he is actually seeing the child, DH doesn't feel that it's right.  At the very least, DH feels that BM should have consulted him about the issue and they should have discussed what the child would be told.  I guess bio-dad must just be another UNCLE (as she refers to her gentlemen callers).  

Any comments/support would be appreciated.

[Brent]

>Any comments/support would be appreciated.

I know, I know, he hasn't seen the child since he was 6 months onld, but he's still his dad, just like you'd still be his mom if the situation was reversed. Maybe he'll find out dad's a jerk and will want little do with him, but if he wants to know his real father, I'd be hard-pressed to say "no".

He sounds like a pretty negligent father, but what can you do that won't have negative consequences? I think you're caught in a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation. :(

I Know DH feels hurt, but there isn't much he can do about it without coming off as the bad guy. Unless the dad poses a genuine threat to the child, I don't know if you'll have much say in this, right or wrong.

[Indigo Mom]

Looks to me like you're headed for a huge battle.  Your hub vs. two biological parents.  Nice.  Real fricken nice.

I believe all kids have the right to know where they came from, even if they were adopted by a step parent.  But...sounds awfully fishy to me.  Don't worry "too" much.  He's not only "the" father by adoption, but he's the psychological father.  That, my dear, is a tough one to bust up.  (trust me, fought against psychological parenting for years)

Anyway, if you don't have a lawyer, you might want to get one and run this by him/her.  I don't like the sound of it...your hub might be tag teamed by two "perfect" biological parents.  That's the only reason I can think of for her to be doing this now with the biodad and child.  

It never ceases to amaze me what people will do to their own kids.  

[New Education]

Okay, here is my take on this; Depending on what the mother has in mind it may or may not be detrimental to the child.  I believe that the mother is using this to irritate the 'known' father. Yes, she should have consulted with the father, but think of it this way - The X isn't as bad as he used to be, and she really wants to get back at the "new ex" (your DH) - and what better way than to start speaking to Bio-father??

It is good that the child know who his bio-dad is, but as long as the mother does not try to replace DAD with Bio-dad, as he HAS given up his parental rights to that child. Let everyone know that you are happy that your son knows who his Bio-Father is, as well as who his DAD is.

I suggest that this issue be brought up either in front of the Judge, Mediator or perhaps a custody evaluator. I also think DH should go to the court house from time to time and take a look at the case records to make sure she is not pulling something.... About the "Uncle" thing, that is sooo wrong! She should at least call them her 'friends' - what if he finds mom & "Uncle" in bed together? That's pretty messed up..

Maybe DH should act as though this is a good thing - I'll bet that mom will change once she sees that Dad isn't going along for the ride... Also speak with the child and let him know enough of what's going on so that he understands and make sure he knows he doesn't have to choose.

If there is a significant change in his attitude towards DH and stating remarks such as; You're not my real dad, I don't have to listen to you.. Or "So & So" says I don't have to listen to you.. then you know he's being 'brainwashed' I would immediately go to court and state PAS and seek full custody..  You have a written document to back it up..

Look into how many "Uncles" he's had in the last few months or year.. Is mom on welfare - believe it or not - this is another positive for fathers (at least in my town it is).....

Good Luck,
New Education

I do what I do solely for the children who deserve to be treated with respect and fairness and given a chance to be listened to for their best interest.

[Neversaynever]

I don't feel that Bio-d should be allowed to walk in and out of the child's life, Bio or not!  In the first place, you are an idiot if you walk away from your child (imo, of course).  

And what about the hoops that NCP's, usually dads, have to jump through just to get 'visitation' with their child?  This guy can just make a call and walk on in?!

I am fairly confident now though that BM is just saying that Bio-d is an involved part of child's life to get under DH's skin.  SS never mentions bio-d; bio-d's never been there for anything and the fact that we live so close- you'd think that we would have seen him at some point.  She is a pathological liar which has been repeatedly proven and I believe she's just continuing with her lies.    Too bad for the little boy because he's her pawn in the lies.  

[sweetnsad]

but I have a friend who went through the exact same thing...her son is now 10 and never knew his biodad until just a couple of years ago...her husband adopted him when he was just an infant.

They told him about his biological dad and the boy decided he would like to get to know him.  He doesn't call him Dad, he calls him by his name and knows that the only real father in his life is his adoptive one.  It bothers my friend's husband a bit when he spends time with him, but there is nothing they can do.  

Bio dad gave up all rights to him and allowed my friend's husband to adopt him, so he knows he can't "have him back", but they do spend some time together and it's all for the boy.

The only difference between these two situations is that my friend and her husband are still together...adoptive dad doesn't have to worry about bio dad cutting in on his family...so I can understand your DH's concerns...he must be very worried and scared he may lose his son.

But keep in mind that your SS will know that DH is his real dad forever...the one that was always there for him.