Need all the help I can get

[Hanau]

hey guys, it seems allot of you guys are having as much fun as me.  Anyhow opinions and experiences requested as answers PLEASE.

I just got remarried, and my wife has a kid, my ex will not let my kid come visit me at my house with my new wife and step son, because she says the step son is to ruff with her.  I am being told my daughter does not want to come over.  this has been going on since November.  Btw this site, DO not fall off the internet.  Anyhow, I am going to write out one of the letters here about violating my visitations.  There is no reasoning going on now, more or less, I am being accussed by her as being a bad Father, for allowing my step son to horse play with her or whatever.  I feel its an attack on my new wife, I find it interesting, that us men when we stop paying child support for whatever reason, normally because something bad happens, We have the witch hunt come down upon us from the heavens.  But when the Mothers refuse to follow the rules, it cost money and time to get anything done.  I swear if I have to goto court I'm sending her to jail.  I can't afford this right now, not sure what I need to do to see my Daughter and at the same damn time she is being brainwashed.  Their is nothing I can do.  Also, About a custody matter, my ex is terminally ill, she has a Tumor in her head, she is not working and is trying in addition to her CS, trying to get on Disability, What are my chances on trying to gain custody?  Me and my wife are stable have a house, and work, my ex does not has been divorced 3 times, has a kid from another man as well, and since my daughter is 7 now she has lived wow 8 places.  In addition I am just now contacting my daughter's school, I talked to her teacher last night, my daughter is getting good grades, her attendance is not good thou.  the guidence councelor called me today saying they could not give me any other info until I send a custody form or whatever, so I contacted the clerk of court and had them fax over my final judgement from the divorce that states both parties shall share parental rights.  I feel it is horrible how US Father's are treated, by the women behind the desk's.  So I faxed over the info and have been trying to call this lady back since, left 2 voicemail's and am wondering why she has not called back.  Oh it get better in case of an emergency, my ex did not have me down as a contact, so I am trying to fix that, and I am trying to get as much info as I can thru the state on my Daughter's mental status, my daughter is afraid to leave my Ex's side because she thinks she will die.  Is that abuse?  In addition the teacher said the school was under the impression when my daughter is absent that she is needed at home because the ex has a tumor, totally playing the sympathy card on these people.  What are my options men, tell me what I need to do now?  to see my kid?  Oh I also told the ex to stop calling and sending text messages, stupid text messages asking me if I am still paying child support and what not, um yes I am, leave me alone.  SO I told her to send me mail via US snail mail.  I also requested my daughter call me friday to arrange a child pick up.  What do I need to do men?  Please help. If lawyer is the greatest answer, I can't afford one.  Seriously, need options on that.
PEACE

[Tikki]

I'm not a guy but I just have a few questions and thoughts

1.  have you been very active in your daughters life?

2.  Schools cannot prohibit you from gaining access to daughters records unless there is a CO stating otherwise.

3.  Has BM's illness been proven?

4.  your ex may be clinging to your daughter based on her illness.  I can't quite blame her - especially if her time is short.  However, your still dad and not to blame and need to have time with your daughter too.

5.  did you two always stick to the CO parenting plan time before your  re-marriage?

6.  keeping a child from a parent is Parental Alienation.  Get teh book "Divorce Poison" and read up.

In our case, my Dh sometimes has to stay out of town for weeks or months for his work.  After BM got a decent job and we requested a reduction in CS (waiting six mo's to do so - hoping she would her financial feet on the ground), she then came back and said she wanted to keep the kids during DH's time when he wwas out of town - she didn't want them to stay with me, even though that has been that way for two years and she's even asked me to keep them.

She lost.  

[Hanau]

1, as active as possible.   The divorce between me and my X, destroyed me financially, I lived with relatives for quite sometime, I did my best to have a setting for my daughter.  With the child support, and the in and out of jobs and my schedule it was hard.  I did the best I could.  But now 7 years later I have rebuilt myself on a more solid foundation.  When people say divorce is hard, its no joke, you will find strength in you and use muscles you never thought you had.  It is acceptable for the CP, to use the well you were not in your child's life that much, it is hard when you are out slaving away for the state and your child to support your child.  Let me express, that I pay over 500 dollars a month for my child AND court ordered to provide health insurance.  Now, failure is not an option in this scenerio, I cannot lose my job, and must do everything in my realm of reasoning to pay my child support or face the dire consiquence for not doing so.  So at times no I could not see my child the way I wished I could. Not to mention my child lives a half hour away.  BUT with further relations with her school, they recieved my final judgement I am noted as to be contacted in case of an emergency now, I also have the right to come and eat lunch with her during the day, and meet with her teacher, not to mention I have learned she is having attendance issues, and it has been brought to the CP's attention.  Yes the BP? not sure what BP means, but yes i has been proven, she goes to the doctor all the time.  Now problem with the ex clinging to my daughter is its not healthy.  Having your child affraid to goto school, or see their other parent because their affraid your going to die, when your gone is not healthy.  Me and my wife think its a form of mental abuse.  The illness is not proven to be fatal.  I really don't wanna vent about this, I want to be able to see my child.  I guess the only answer is to get a lawyer, and take it to court.  But if I have to spend the money to goto court I am not going to pussyfoot around, I am going to go for everything, modify my custody, perhaps to sole, I have a case, yet the levity the biggest disfunction in this is the way the NP is treated, dear lord, men, we pay our cs we expect to see our children, period, when the other refuses and stirs up problems we have no support from the government, we have no lawyers sending nasty letters, child support enforcement is bad.  In a way it even discriminates gender.  But time to get a lawyer.  Any advice please send it my way, anyone know of good lawyers with pay plans, or low fee's please let me know.

ONE OTHER THING  if it was not for this site, I would have never knew all my rights.  Like with the school..  I had no idea how to aproach it.  Thank god for this site.  

[bblindell]

I would just like to tell you that my husband and I share this account and I post mostly on his behalf, but I wanted to tell you our story.
He is fighting with his ex to see and talk to his 2 children.  He pays C/S and is being stonewalled at every turn by his ex..... However, I am a mother with 4 boys.  When my ex and I divorced, we agreed that we loved our children more than ANYHING and no matter what we wouldn't hurt them.  My ex, me, and my husband have made a wonderful relationship for our 4 boys.  We spend birthdays, holidays, basketball games, boyscouts, field trips, you name it, we share it.  If my ex or I can't do a parent teacher conf. their step dad goes.  No hard feelings.  My ex and my current husband help each other out any time there is a need.  This relationship has not always been easy, we have really had to work hard not to let the kids know anything about child support, or when they go to their dads or my house.  They get to spend as much time with either of us.  My new husband's family was a little freaked out by the relationship since all they have known is their son having to fight to see his own kids, but they have accepted my ex and invite him to celebrate holidays or special occasions with us.  

Ok, so this long post seems silly, but I want all men who read this to know that there ARE moms out there that care about making sure that their kids have happy childhoods.  Maybe we are in the minority, but I hope not.  

Don't give up.  Keep fighting for your daughter.  She is worth it.  She, sadly isn't able to make choices for herself and needs you and your ex to do that for her.  Do the right thing.  Even if it hurts, do it.  Pray, find people who can be a support network for you, even if it is just to listen to you when you need to rant.  Don't let your ex "suck" you into arguments.  No one ever feels better after.  

Lawyers are expensive, and mostly are more worried about getting paid.  Check in your area for legal aid.  There are some things you can do on your own, such as downloading forms.  Make sure that if you send ANYTHING to your ex, send it certified mail, restricted delivery.  This ensures that SHE gets it.  She is the only one that can sign for it.

[wendl]

1st child support and visitation are two seperate issues, she cannot deny visitation due to failure to pay child support.

Do you have a visitation order set forth in the divorce paperwork.  If so then on the days you are scheduled to visit go pick up your daughter, if she will nto allow you call the local police dept and ask if they can help (have your court order with you) if they can't at least you can then document her denial of visitation. At 7 kids do NOT have the choice to not go to the other parents house the CP is SUPPOSE to make sure the child is available for the court ordered visitation.

If she denies court order visitation file contempt (you can do this without an attorney), the fisrt few time nothing will probably happen-each deniel during contempt hearing ask that she be ordered to make up that visitition time you lost with your child.

Try to get it ordered that your child go thru counseling to help her deal with her mother illness.

Keep in close contact with school and doctors to keep up in the loop of what is going on with her health and education.

As a mother and a stepmother, I will tell you, your new wife needs to be strong some of these woman try everything to ruin our relationships with our spouses.  Do not let the mom get between you two, you both will need eachother for emotional support.

$500 seems a little steap for cs for one child, were you making a lot more before you two spilt. If so go online and to the child support calculator to determine if you are paying to much cs, you usually also will get a credit for paying medical insurance (each state is different so research your state laws--most courts have a websites were you can educate yourself)

DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. If you do go back to court DO NOT bad mouth mom, keep focused on your daughter.

Best wishes.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**