BM broke new court order within hours...where to go next??

[chickenbubbasmom]

Hello, I am the stepmother of two wonderful boys, ages 13 and 9. Dad and I also have a 13 mo. old daughter together. Dad has had no luck with the court for the past several years, until a new commissioner that was hearing for support saw something was not right and appointed herself to the case.

Following a court ordered evaluation, dad was given joint physical/legal, with every Wednesday overnight as well as 1st, 3rd, 5th weekends and right of first refusal, which is what he was asking for. Before this, dad had minimal contact with the boys, a few hours a week, with mom breaking the previous order on a continual basis and over litigating/filing false tro's and restraining orders every few months. The evaluator came down very hard on mom in her report. She stated that mom was in fact alienating the children, and mom was ordered to attend individual counseling min. 25 sessions. Mom's new boyfriend of a few months is ordered/not allowed to babysit the children at all due to children's statements to the evaluator about his badmouthing dad and verbally abusing the older child. At the hearing,mom stated she will be cutting her hours to 1 day/ week in order to keep dad from having the 3 days overnight when she would be at work.

Hours after the hearing, older boy contacted dad via email, telling dad to get online and talk. Dad told him he tried to call, but no answer. (BM only gives dad a cell #, and they have recently moved from grandma's home into an apartment with the new boyfriend). Older son told his dad,mom's not answering because she's at work. Dad asked where he was, he said at home with Dave (mom's bf). He asked where his brother was, and older boy said he was in his room. Dad called bm cell and left a message about her being at work and violating the court order. Dad also called police, but police couldn't do anything due to bm refusing to provide dad with her new address. About 20 min. later, son disappeared offline and never returned. A few hours later, dad received many text messages from mom, saying she wasn't at work, calling him a liar, and calling her son a liar. Son had no reason to lie, since he had no knowledge of the new order, or that mom was breaking it. Older son is now kicked off the computer for telling on mom, even though he has no idea why. Dad has no way to communicate with boys between visits. BM either doesn't answer or puts the boys on speaker and then complains the whole 2 minutes she allows them to talk that he is interfering with her time.

BM mom refuses to give dad copy of her work schedule when she receives it,  as ordered. She says her word should be good enough, and also that it is a violation of HIPAA law for the court to order her to give him a copy. The purpose of her giving him a copy, is because she cannot be trusted to be honest. She is very angry about the new order, and stated in several messages that the commissioner is not a real judge, and she never agreed for her to her the case. She doesn't feel she should have to follow the order. BM also refuses to give dad her new address, home #; he doesn't even know where she works.

My question I guess, is where do we go from here.? File for contempt, even though we were just in court a week ago?

[chickenbubbasmom]

Another Q... Mom has Dad 5th on the school emergency card, next to his name she wrote, " Dad not allowed to pick up children except on his specified visitation days.",, or something to that effect. In other words if the children are ill, or if she has work and he has to pick them up, the school will not allow him to do so. I don't think that's correct, is it?

[ocean]

Yes, file contempt of current order. Can you get a hold of evaluator or kids GAL and tell them what happened? Save the email and text/Im's. This is your proof that child was with boyfriend and mom was at work.

Have the school make you a copy of the emergency card ....for evidence later if needed. Since you already have joint custody go through the school and make sure you are called if child is sick too. Fill out your own card and hand it to school with copy of custody order. When you go back to court again, you can spell it out more "father is allowed to pick child up from school when sick on his days and when mother is unavailable. If both parents can not be reached then go to parents contacts on emergency cards."

Judge wont be happy to see her again if you just got out of court last week. In the meantime see if you can figure out her work schedule. Do you know where she works? Call and ask if she is there?

Maybe in this case, get kid a cell phone and have it court ordered that child and father will have access to each other through child's cell phone.

You can send her a certified letter stating that she was at work on XXX and according to the new court orders dated xxx, father has parenting time while mother is at work PLUS child not to be left with boyfriend.

If you have a lawyer, supena her boss to come to court and give hours. (or figure out how to do it yourself)
Good luck!

[redbabyblue70]

Hello, I am the stepmother of two wonderful boys, ages 13 and 9. Dad and I also have a 13 mo. old daughter together. Dad has had no luck with the court for the past several years, until a new commissioner that was hearing for support saw something was not right and appointed herself to the case.

Following a court ordered evaluation, dad was given joint physical/legal, with every Wednesday overnight as well as 1st, 3rd, 5th weekends and right of first refusal, which is what he was asking for. Before this, dad had minimal contact with the boys, a few hours a week, with mom breaking the previous order on a continual basis and over litigating/filing false tro's and restraining orders every few months. The evaluator came down very hard on mom in her report. She stated that mom was in fact alienating the children, and mom was ordered to attend individual counseling min. 25 sessions. Mom's new boyfriend of a few months is ordered/not allowed to babysit the children at all due to children's statements to the evaluator about his badmouthing dad and verbally abusing the older child. At the hearing,mom stated she will be cutting her hours to 1 day/ week in order to keep dad from having the 3 days overnight when she would be at work.

Hours after the hearing, older boy contacted dad via email, telling dad to get online and talk. Dad told him he tried to call, but no answer. (BM only gives dad a cell #, and they have recently moved from grandma's home into an apartment with the new boyfriend). Older son told his dad,mom's not answering because she's at work. Dad asked where he was, he said at home with Dave (mom's bf). He asked where his brother was, and older boy said he was in his room. Dad called bm cell and left a message about her being at work and violating the court order. Dad also called police, but police couldn't do anything due to bm refusing to provide dad with her new address. About 20 min. later, son disappeared offline and never returned. A few hours later, dad received many text messages from mom, saying she wasn't at work, calling him a liar, and calling her son a liar. Son had no reason to lie, since he had no knowledge of the new order, or that mom was breaking it. Older son is now kicked off the computer for telling on mom, even though he has no idea why. Dad has no way to communicate with boys between visits. BM either doesn't answer or puts the boys on speaker and then complains the whole 2 minutes she allows them to talk that he is interfering with her time.

BM mom refuses to give dad copy of her work schedule when she receives it,  as ordered. She says her word should be good enough, and also that it is a violation of HIPAA law for the court to order her to give him a copy. The purpose of her giving him a copy, is because she cannot be trusted to be honest. She is very angry about the new order, and stated in several messages that the commissioner is not a real judge, and she never agreed for her to her the case. She doesn't feel she should have to follow the order. BM also refuses to give dad her new address, home #; he doesn't even know where she works.

My question I guess, is where do we go from here.? File for contempt, even though we were just in court a week ago?

Let me first say that my heart goes out to you, your husband, and his children.  What a nightmare situation for the children.  Now, that being said, how to get through it.  I agree with ocean, I would definitely file contempt charges against her for not following through on ROFR, among other things.  Documenting everything is very important. 

Since he has joint custody, he has every right to listed first or second on the emergency contact list for school.  I again agree with ocean that a new emergency card should be done with your husband's information listed.  You didn't say, but I am willing to bet she has not been sharing information from the school with your husband either, ie reports cards, etc.  I would provide the school with self addressed envelopes (including stamps) and request all information sent to the BM be sent to your husband as well.  This way, you are bypassing BM and will have all the correct information from the source. 

Best of luck to you.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

[chickenbubbasmom]

Thanks to you both for the heartfelt responses; you give me hope and makes me feel not so alone..

As for the schools..older son's school is not much help at all. They did say he could leave self-addressed stamped envelopes for the teachers, but they are under the (I believe mistaken) impression that it is their job to enforce the court order, and that dad is only allowed to have the children from school on his specified days. He is last on the emergency card, and mom has left specific directions that children are not to be released to him unless it is during his parenting time. But the same rules don't apply to her. she can pick up/take children from school early whenever she pleases.

Dad went to younger son's open house tonight..son showed up in soccer uniform and dad had no knowledge of son being signed up for soccer..mom said it's not your parenting time so it's none of your business. This is once again contrary to court order, to my understanding.

BM was ordered to give dad a copy of her work schedule every 6 weeks OR when she receives it. She stated flat out the day after court that she will not give him copies, and that he can just take her word for it. No idea where she works..she was ordered to file income and expense dec. but never did. She told dad last week she would give him her home address, but never did, even upon repeated requests, she didn't respond to messages.

At first she told court she worked Wednesdays and every weekend and that she could not change schedule. Later\, she told court she was dropping down to 1 day week. Then she told dad she would be working weekends when it was his time, but no idea which is actually true.

Do not trust giving older son a cell, since everything we have bought/given him thus far has been confiscated/ "lost"..including clothes, ipod etc...

The boys recently had their first sleepover..both boys (13 and 9) are still wearing pull-ups and wetting the bed, though we refuse to put pullups on them, younger son wet the bed. Younger son said that mom told him not to do his homework at dad's house; we believe this is to make dad look bad and to get his Wednesday nights taken away..she went so far as to tell the boys that our daughter is not their real sister and referred to her as the devil's baby; younger son repeatedly called her this during several visitations.. it's amost unbelievable.

[CuriousMom]

Our custody order says that extra-curricular activities cannot be scheduled during the other parent's custody time if it is not agreed upon by both parties - but it also includes a statement in the same clause stating that these events are for what's the best interest in the child, not the parent.  Both parents are to be made aware of any school activities.

I can't remember the exact wording but if you want it I can send it to you.  Would hold BM accountable in writing....but who knows if she would follow it since she hasn't so far.

[chickenbubbasmom]

Thanks curiousmom..dad's previous parenting plan along with the new court orders say the same thing..err, they actually seem to contradict each other. Old parenting plan says they are to consult in decision-making on all matters regarding school, doctors, and extracurricular activities. The new order says that mom is to consult with dad prior to signing the children up for any activities IF it will interfere during his parenting time. It goes on to say that IF dad agrees with said activities mom will provide dad with a schedule.

In the past she will sign him up and not tell dad until a game happens to fall on one of his days, ie. months after he's been playing whatever sport..I believe that is what she is doing now. She intentionally misinterprets the order and then plays dumb. The children are scared to give dad any info, and we do not drill them for it.

[CuriousMom]

You're welcome.  I would have it modified so notifications are explicity stated as X amount of days/weeks prior - close any loopholes you possibly can.

It's a shame because the children are the ones who truly suffer the consequences.

[tjk]

I have a few suggestions that might be helpful to you.

Keep a journal noting the dates along with anything significant.  Keep it free of emotion and write it as if the judge will read it.  Also note anything you try to remedy the situation.  Don't hesitate to make notations in the journal when bm IS cooperative and follows the order.  It will add credibility to your journal.

Each time bm violates the court order try to gather any documentation you have to support it, such as email, phone records, etc.  An easy way to keep track is to print anything out, make sure it is dated, and place in a loose leaf binder under the appropriate divider.  (ROFR, Parenting Time Interference, etc.)

Each time bm violates the court order send her an email and certified letter, return receipt requested, stating the violation along with a copy of the page from the co highlighting the applicable part.  This will counter bm saying she "did not know".  Make sure all communication is calm, factual, and business like.  Don't get wordy, keep it as brief as possible.  Make copies and add to your binder.

Have multiple examples w/documentation before filing a motion for contempt.  This will prevent bm from making excuses for why it happened "just one time", or she "didn't know".  It will also show the judge that bm is blatantly ignoring the orders.  Be sure you ask for what remedy you want within the motion.  If you want to be patient long enough it might qualify as a significant change in circumstances that could warrant a custody change.

The expense of hiring a PI a few times could go a long way, like to identify when bm is at work.  Besides providing you with documentation, the big benefit over just using a subpeona to find out bm's schedule, is once she finds out it will help keep her honest as she will not know when you are having her watched.  (You won't always be able to subpeona her work records just because you want to know.) 

If you do find bm's at work, call the police and ask for a civil standby, bring a copy of the court order, and go to her house to pick up your kids.  You will have the absolute right to get them with bm not there and you (dad) having a co showing he can have the kids.