Some help needed from the masses.....................(Long, Sorry)

[lissa68]

I usually post here on behalf of my husband and the crap he is going through with his ex and child.  This time its all about me, and my kids.

I have 3 children from a previous marriage.  They are now 13, 15, and 17.  They live their father, a joint decision on behalf of what they needed most in life, not what we wanted.  At the time, we had been living in our first real home, our kids made friends and were going to a great school.  My hubby at that time was a grader and we moved every year and a half.  So my kids had finally put down roots, and for their sake, I left them with their father, so as not to innterupt their lives more, by our choice to divorce.  I in turn moved 2 1/2 away, where my family lives.  I have a great visitation schedule, and my ex and I get along fairly well.  That is until he remarried.  And yes, I am assuming that some of you will attribute it jealousy or something along those lines.  Although I personally do not care for his wife, I am grateful that she is there when my kids need her, so I do not totally hate her.  What I do dislike is the fact that she is very verbally abusive towards my kids.  Not so much my daughter, but my sons.  My 13, and 15  year olds, wants so badly to come and live with me and my hubby.  Not only to get away from this woman verbally abusing them, but my 13 year old, his grades are slipping, and he truly hates it there.

Now comes the good part.  I honestly have never brought up to my kids the fact of coming to live with me, as I respect their need fro their friends and their roots they finally get to lay where they are.  They came to me about it.  So I told them to journal what is happeneing in their lives, how things are going, and what they were going through there.  A journal is like a dairy, they put all there thoughts and feelings in it, and its off their minds, not eating them up.  Well, their dad got ahold of the journals, sat them down to talk to them.  He tells them, " I cannot believe you could want to hurt me so badly.  I givie you everything you want."  Mind you, he is crying while saying this. " I am a better parent than your mother, I want you to grow up "the Right way"".  The kids are now in tears, they cannot even explain to their father what has been happeneing, as they feel he hasn't listen before, why would he listen to them now.  

The next day he calls me.  He tells me that he will never allow me to have the kids, they are his, and he is not going to give them up.  He tells me he knows its me who put the kids up to this.  I told him the kids came to me about it, I never raised the question.  

Now, my daughter (15) is totally torn apart, she does not want to hurt her father, so I told her to stay where she is.  I backed down, but my 13 yr. old doesn't want to give up.

So, what do should I do?

I am in Iowa, if that helps.  I am just looking for some opinions.

Thanks All


 

[Peanutsdad]

lissa, I feel for your kids.

First of all, have they confronted dad about the stepmoms behavior? If not, its a good place to start. Dad pullin the tears routine,, thats low,, sorry. Unfortunately, the kids are probably gonna have to put steel in their backs and just tell dad whats goin on. I was in a similar situation , Im dad, the "stepmom" was abusive to my kids, and at first, I didnt listen, I thought it was just a resentment thing. Pretty soon tho, she got bold about it and I saw with my own eyes. We were not soon after parted.

At their ages, should you go ahead and file a motion to modify,, their wishes will PROBABLY be considered by the court.  Further, you can show that the children are suffering with the step,, if kids grades are slipping.

Since dad has apparently closed off listening, he might pay a bit more attention to a motion.

[lissa68]

Yes, they have, he just seems to want to believe his new wife.  Like its a competition between her and his kids, and what makes it worse, they had child of their own together.  He's a good dad, and I have never doubted that, but he is deafened by his new wife, she makes all the decisions, she does the punishing, she this, she that.  My kids are left out, and really do not enjoy being there anymore.  They try to talk to him, but he only sees her side.  I have been on the phone as ashe was screaming crap at them, I have been outside waiting to get my kids and hear her scream obsenities to them.  They live in hell with her, and they are so suffereing.  And yes, their dad crying, was a very low blow.

So, I think I will modify it, for my kids sake and mine, so I know they are treated properly, they get listened to and explained to as to why things are the way they are.


Thanks  :)

[tulip]

That is a total invasion of privacy. What a jerk! Then he gives them a guilt trip for having feelings? They weren't writing those journals to hurt him, they were doing it to get things off their chest.

I understand your daughter doesn't want to hurt her dad. No child wants to choose between two parents they love. Also, chances are, I'm guessing, the sm treats the girl better than the boys too. I would tell her that you are making the decision based on what YOU think is best for the kids, and not asking her to make the decision. Let her know that you do not want to hurt her, but you would prefer to keep everyone together. Have you tried talking to your ex about how abusive sm is to the kids? Doesn't he care how miserable his kids are?

[lissa68]

He does not care if his kids are miserable, he thinks, this is no lie, that since he can take them out to eat whenever he wants, he has a better credit rating than I, that he can buy them what they, with the money I send in cjhild support, he has a bigger house, and nicer things, that is why they should stay with him.

He felt no guilt for reading their journals at all.  He just needed an excuse to blame me and try to tell them I set them up to doing this to hurt him.

SM adores my daughter, she hates my boys, cause she has a boy of her own now.

I have tried to talk to my ex, he just tells me I am trying to interefere in his marriage.  I tell him I am not trying to interefere, I am just worried about my kids.


Gets me no where with him.


Lissa

[tulip]

I think you should try to get those kids out of that house. So I was right that sm treats your daughter better and that's why she doesn't want to leave. Well, I would be very concerned about the way they are teaching her to treat other people. Your ex's marriage is his problem. If he doesn't care enough about his kids to have them in a loving home where they feel safe, then somebody should (you.) File for a custody modification for all of them. I think you would be perfectly justified in trying to get your daughter out of a home where your sons (her brothers) are being mentally and verbally abused. If she doesn't have a problem with the way her brothers are being treated, tell her that she should.

I wish you luck.