OH STRESS!!!

[tulip]

This week I have a constant tension headache. I was so happy after court last week when the judge said she would grant them joint custody. Haven't seen that order yet, and they still have mediation on Wed to work out the details. She has been calling every day since court being a total B**** about this and that. I copied the sample shared parenting plan from this site, and have spent a lot of time retyping it to make it relevent to dh's case. I want him to go into this meeting with a clear cut idea of what we want so they have something to go on--make sure no detail gets missed. This will make it so they don't have something to fight about EVERY DAY.

Well, Sunday she called trying to get out of the meeting. She can't afford it. He will pay her part of the FIRST meeting. She told him on the phone she hasn't received cs in two months so she's broke. I asked him why would she even say that? The state takes money from his check every two weeks. We know she gets it. He said she probably said that because her boyfriend was sitting there and she is getting him to pay all her bills.

Today she said doesn't even know if she can afford the gas to get there. Gimme a break. I finished the proposed agreement today, and he dropped it off there tonight because he had to bring some stuff over there for the kids. She was calling withing 15 minutes. She has huge problems with all sorts of things. Namely, the statement that neither of them can call each other's homes from 8:00 pm to 8:00 am. She said that's illegal, and the judge said so in court. I'm beginning to think she was stoned when they were in court, because she didn't seem to hear what was said by the judge at all.

I told my dh tonight that I feel like I'M fighting with his ex through him, and he's sitting there going "Leave me out of it." (He's not saying that, it just seems like we are arguing about so much, when we both want the same thing.)

I just want this to be over. The worst thing is, the kids are there this week, and she manilpulates their minds so much, if she's pissed at dh about what's going on, you can be sure she's either trying to convince them to be pissed at him too, or treating them like garbage because they are not pissed at him.

[gipsy]

Man, can I ever sympathize with you! My husband and me went through the same thing. Fighting with each other when we had the same goal in mind. For us, it came down to me finally saying I'm not going to do anything else for my husband unless he asked. It was really hard to do, especially because I am naturally a fiercely protective mother of ANY child. This means I also did not talk to him about his problem with the ex unless he started the conversation with me. And when he did start the conversation, I struggled with putting out positive phrases like, "You're just going to have to decide how to handle this," or "uh-huh," or "Maybe that's something you need to think about more," or "I'm not sure how you should handle that." Basically throwing the ball back in his court and letting him deal with the problem in his own guy way. In other words, keep your opinion to yourself. Then if he gets screwed, who does he have to blame. You or him? And I've even said, "I'm so stressed out from hearing about this crap that I need for you not to talk to me about it for the next 24 hours. So, how was your day?" I've even left the house during his visitation because I couldn't stand the crap I was hearing from the kid (or the constant spoiling by his dad which made me want to puke).

Believe it or not, if you can back away from the situation and reduce some stress on your side, you'll be in a better position to offer positive advice without seeming to be interferring. After all, it's his problem, not yours.

As for the kids, I've found the best reply is just to say, "If mommy wants to think that way, that's okay. That's not how we feel, and here's why. You kids know this or that isn't true, and here's why." If you can calm yourself enough to offer age-appropriate explainations, the kids will catch on. My stepson is just 4 years old, and to some degree it's time that we start telling him the truth about things. I don't know how my husband feels about that yet, as we just lost our custody case today, so I don't think it's a good idea to bring up the subject right now.

I think it's very good that you spell out what's in the parenting plan. When you have a problem ex to deal with, that's the only way you're going to stop the BS. The reason why she's griping is because she doesn't want to held accountable for her own actions. And why should she when she can blame it on you two?

Hope that helps. Hang in there, and have your honey think about therapy for the kids until things calm down. Some churches offer counseling for kids free of charge.

Yours truly, Wicked Stepmom