any opinions?

[hskrstepmom]

My husband is seeking primary custody of his two children -- they have been primarily with BM for past 3 years. I'm sure my stories are not new to anyone who regularly reads and posts to this site so I won't go into the gory details. Let's just say BM has MAJOR issues -- we believe her to be a true narcissist.

The biggest problem we are finding with dealing with her is that she comes off as so NORMAL to outsiders. Is there anyway that we can get the court to order a psychological evaluation or parenting evaluation? Are there some sort of legal standards that must be met before that can happen?

Also, I have heard about GALs but really don't know much about them or if they are really a good idea. I have a feeling a GAL may be a good thing in our situation, but we've already made many mistakes over the past 6 months and don't want to make another. Any advice/opinions on GALs?

Many thanks for any input/info.

[Dr.Stepmom]

When you say "narcissist", "MAJOR issues" and "comes off as normal" I think of borderline personality disorder.  Do a little research on this, find a listing of the criteria and see if she meets them and if she does it may help you learn how better to deal with her (though there is no easy way).

We are currently undergoing a custody eval and feel that it is going great (I can let you know for sure in a couple months).  We had wanted to do it for awhile, but it is expensive ($10,000+) and our lawyer didn't feel the time was right (child was too young).  Then, BM decided to accuse us of abuse and ask for a custody eval.  Luckily, since she had NO proof and her accusations were clearly insane, she was forced to pay for the entire eval.  Now we get the eval AND she gets to pay for it.  I am sure that your BM won't be as brilliant as ours, but I think that you can always get one if you are willing to pay.  But first, talk to your lawyer, or someone else who knows, if it is the right time for you.

If you are even considering this, start preparing now....keep immaculate records and logs, save evrything and be on your best behavior.  Involve yourself in everything you can related to the kids, take parenting classes and do everything you can to be the best parent possible.

As far as GALs, I know nothing.  Hope this helps.

[maxwell]

I think the court can order an examine - but maybe for both parties. You can google for more info on personality disorders, and like in my case, BM may not just be narcissist but also borderline (and maybe others). If so, then a typical psych exam may not reveal this. Those folks need a few hours of intense interviewing by a Psychologist experienced with those types of disorders.

I completely understand how you say she comes off 'normal' to others. One thing Ilearned about the BM is my case is that she is a great actress. Luckily the GAL has seen right through that.

I think the GAL may be appointed by the court by default (perhaps varies by region). I personally think its a good idea but is also limited by their interest and dedication. Go with one that your attorney recommends and perhaps has worked with.

Do a thorough investigation of her -- driver record, criminal, civil, residence history, etc. And as someone else has said -- document everything.

Good luck!

[Dr.Stepmom]

You probably will have to go to court for an order for examination, but you can initiate the request.

The custody evaluation will definitely be of both parties (that is why you need to start preparing yourself now if you are even thinking of this).

A custody evaluation should really be able to pick up personality disorders such as narcissism or borderline.  Almost all evaluators use the MMPI-this is a 500+ question test that checks for personality type and major psychiatric diagnoses.  Even though she is able to fool everyone else, this test has many internal checks which make it hard to fake.  The evaluator is then able to correlate the tests findings with what they learn through interviews.

With any luck, your BM will do what ours has done, completely decompensate under the stress and show such little insight into the situation that she has made many of the wrong choices regarding the exam.

Good Luck.

[joni]

some judges don't believe in psycho pooh pooh.  our judge was one, she told us going into it, that she doesn't put alot of weight.

our report show my dh's ex to have low self esteem, confidence and borderline personality disorder.  of course, his ex blamed my husband for causing all of this, it was his fault.

[nosonew]

Also, make sure it is a FULL custody eval, not just a one hour visit with both parents and one 15 minute visit with the child.  And this is especially true since your bm is nuts, but first appearance doesn't show it.  

Our bm changed doctors so often, and we finally figured out she did this because they began to suspect she was wacko. (ss doctors, has gone to over 40 during a 3 year period!) And he is as healthy as a horse!

[bluesman]

>We had wanted to do it for awhile, but it is expensive
>($10,000+) and our lawyer didn't feel the time was right.

Here's my opinion. A custody evaluator who charges $10,000 for a single evaluation should be thrown in jail. For a typical evaluation the psych might spend 15 hours on a case. I just paid $6,000 for an evaluation that was in my favor and I still believe the idiot evaluator did a terrible job. I'm sure there are many good evaluators, but you can believe there are a lot of bad ones too. This kind of money for what they actually do is offensive.