now what do we do?

[morrisgal]

Hi guys,

Last March my son received an order for paternity testing.  As it turned out he was the father of a little 3 yr old girl.  He had no idea.  He met this girl once when he was 15 years old ... she was in her 20's.  They had sex obviously and a child was conceived.  

After he got over the initial shock ... about 4 weeks.  He began to visit his daughter, Addison.  Since that time she has become a part of our family and lives.  We love her dearly.  She wants to stay with us and cries and begs when she has to go home.  She stays with us quite a lot.

We recently discussed with her mother swimming lessons, which were agreed on by all.  Lessons were set for every Tuesday and Thursday.
The agreement was that Addison would be with us during that time.  My son picked Addison up on Monday night, took her to swim lessons Tuesday morning.  That evening, the mother called ... drinking or something.  Her problem was that it wasn't fair that Addison wanted to stay there and did not want to come home.  Her solution to that was that Addison just couldn't be allowed to stay there for so long anymore.

Of course an argument ensued. The result of which was that the mother said she was leaving to come get her at 11 pm that night.  Jacob, my son, told her no ... you are not going to come get her out of bed and take her anywhere tonight.  She was furious ... she said she was on her way.  She lives an hour away in Mexico Missouri.  We live in Columbia, Missouri.

My son was extremely concerned as he had no idea what his rights were and asked me what to do.  I told him to call the sheriffs office.  He did and was told that if he was the father and there was no existing custody agreement, that both parents had equal rights to the child and the sheriffs office had no jurisdiction in the matter.  He said if she came out there and would not leave just to call them and they would come right out.

So the next day ... Wednesday ... Addison and I went to Rocheport Missouri and then to McDonalds.  I had to run an errand in Rocheport.  Deliver some materials to my employees .. I own a construction company.    While playing on the slide and eating our chicken mcnuggets, we received an emergency call from my son that I had to turn around right now and come back.   The sheriff had called and wanted to see Addison to "make sure she was in his custody and that she was ok"  ... that's what he said anyway.

So, we turned around and came back.  I was then told I had to have her at the sheriffs office before 1:30 or they were going to arrest Jacob for kidnapping.  Rachel had gone to the Audrain County Sherrifs office and told them that Jacob was taking Addison to Florida and not going to bring her back.

When we got to the sheriffs office a detective from the little town of Mexico was there ... an extremely hateful man.  He proceeded to tell me that Jacob had no custodial rights and that he was supposed to have the child home this morning and refused to return and threatened the mother with taking her to Florida and keeping her.  I said ... what?  have you all lost your minds .. we were at McDonalds ... eating chicken mcnuggets.

And besides, said I ... we called the sheriff last night and asked him if she had to be returned to her mother and he said no.  That there was no custodial agreement and therefore in the state of missouri there was nothing to enforce.  And custody belonged to whomever had possession of Addison at the time.

He told me that was not true.  That I had misunderstood.  That in these cases custody always reverts back to the mother.  I asked him why I was told differently and had also stayed awake reading forums and state statutes and they seemed to confirm what the sheriff had told me.

It was suggested strongly that Jacob go down to the courthouse, get a lawyer and start custody proceedings while Addison was in his custody.  This seemed to be extremely important.  Which is exactly what we did.

The end result here was that the detective told Addison to come with him he had something really pretty to show her ... while Grandma filled out some papers.  When he returned he told me that Addison was on her way back to her mothers house with her mother.  I felt totally helpless.  No one explained anything to Addison ... just lied to her and took her away.  He did tell me that she start crying hysterically and wanted her daddy and her grandma.  He said I will say this ... she does love her daddy and grandma.

I looked at him and said ... what have you done and why?  This is not what the law says ... this is not what we were told to do.  The Boone County sheriffs said since he had the kidnapping thing he could extridite Jacob and charge him so therefore he had jurisdiction and there was nothing they could do.

So now, Addison is with her mother and we can't even talk to her.

I just can't believe someone can go to the police ... invent a huge story and be believed and rush down and take a child away ... when as far as I can see ..  and according to what I am told by the law themselves at least in this county ... it was perfectly ok for Jacob to have custody of his daughter ... there could be no kidnapping ... cuz neither had custody.

So what the hell?

They all tell me he was wrong and didn't know what he was talking about.  And that's all fine and well ... but this wrong idiot damn sure took my grandaughter away and we now cannot have any contact with her.

Is there anything we can do?  This is so wrong!

Sorry this is so long but ... I am just shocked and very angry.

Thanks

[tjraid18]

 Thats the frustration. It's legal for a mother to kidnap. It's illegal for a dad to be a dad. It seems that way sometimes, does'nt it? I would have told the sherriff guy about the paternity test or showed it to him. Gee, you could file a comlaint against the sherriffs office, I guess. Yeah, and what good is that now. If your story is accurate, then the best thing you can do is go right to the courthouse and start the visitation/ custody process. The longer one parent has the child with them, the more likely they are to end up with the child. Be sure to include the incident and try to make the point that you feel like your sons child was kidnapped from him. Write everything down. Try to keep an even keel. Theres lots of good advice around here. You just have to be patient, and use it. For your information I am a hypocrite and didn't do very much of this stuff and now I have very little time with my kids. I wish I had. Good luck.
 
         P.S. my sarcasm wasn't directed at you.

[Brent]

Sad to say, but this is a classic story. :(

Your son will need to fight vigorously for his rights. He will be opposed every step of the way by the police, the courts, and the mother. Prepare to be in it for the long haul, as this kind of thing is never settled quickly.

Some of these pages will apply more than others, but they all have valuable information:

Protecting Yourself During Divorce
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/protect.htm

Tips For Getting Started
http://www.deltabravo.net/news/10-19-2000.htm

How To Hire An Attorney
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/hiring.htm

Hiring An Effective Attorney
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/effective.htm

Success Factors In Obtaining Custody
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/tips.htm

One of the first things you'll hear is "Document, document, document!".  Having good records is crucial. Get yourself either the Parenting Time Tracker (PTT) or the OPTIMAL Custody Tracking service at: http://www.parentingtime.net. The PTT is good, but the OPTIMAL service is definitely better. If it looks like you're going to go to court (and it does), I'd recommend the OPTIMAL site. You'll need to be able to show exactly what's been happening in terms of time and events, and the PTT is very limited compared to OPTIMAL when it comes to that.

[joni]

if BM ends up being totally unreasonable about this....what's the statute of limitations on statutory rape....BM was in 20's...your son was 15?  Any man in their 20's having a child with a 15 y.o. on a one night stand would be in jail for sure.  

If BM is in jail....your son could make a play for custody.  I'm sorry if this sounds cold and bitter....I'm sick of good father's getting screwed.

[janM]

I don't know about your state, but in most an unmarried mom has automatic custody and dad has to prove he is dad and go to court to establish his rights.

I would call a lawyer or your courthouse to verify this. Law enforcement don't always know the law, at least family law.

And do get the ball rolling on getting his rights in place if this is the case. In any case, file for custody/visitation. He already has proof of paternity.

Try to document or have proof of how much time he has spent with the child, if it is considerable. Have him enroll in CPR and parenting classes.

Read the articles here and join us in chat. I'm a grandma whose son and grandson live here and we have helped raise this child too. I so feel for you.

[morrisgal]

Thank you all so much for your replies.

We tried to do everything we were advised to do.  We tried to do the right thing.  We called the sheriffs office and they also said to go to the courthouse first thing and apply for emergency or something custody.  And, get a lawyer.  We did that.  The lawyer told my son that he did need to go to the courthouse and file but to come see her first.  The reason I had her with me was because Jacob was at his lawyers office.  He then there and was filling out the forms at the courthouse while this detective from the other county was making his threats.  Actually they weren't threats so much as lies.  He was saying that he wanted to see the child and make sure she was in his custody and that she was ok.  And if Jacob didn't produce her by 1:30 he would have him arrested for kidnapping.

He didn't know what to do.  Addison and I were on our merry way to Rocheport ... having a good time ... singing to the radio ... about an hours drive away.  He was supposed to be back at his lawyers by 1:30 and he couldn't reach me because Addison and I had decided to stop at McDonalds to play on the slide and eat chicken mcnuggets and the cell phone was in the truck.

By the time he did reach us ... we weren't entirely sure we could turn around and get back there by 1:30.  And I didn't believe the whole thing and since the sheriff had told me we were perfectly within our rights ... I was a little hesitant to take Addison back there.  I did call his lawyer and waited for her to return the call before I went to the sheriffs office.  She told me that I was right ... he was most likely going to take her and give her to her mother ... and he was wrong ... but he could arrest him for kidnapping.  Even tho this charge would be dismissed ... Jacob didn't need this against him and it just wasn't worth it because all it would do is get him arrested and Addison would still be sent home with her mother.

But you know ... I have to wonder ... what in the world would make a 4 year old child never want to go home or stay home and never ever want to even talk to her mother when she calls her at our house.  I mean even the meanest of mothers ... the child usually still has a bond with and they still love them.  When this mother wants Addison to come home or even calls her.  Addison cries and pleads with us to please don't make her go home ... she doesn't wanna go home.  I mean it tears us apart.  We feel like we owe it to her to protect her ... when she hangs on to you and begs you to let her stay and don't make her go home ... it's just the hardest thing in the world to send her away anyway.  And I just truly believe there has to be a reason why she feels that way.  I don't see any signs of physical abuse.  And I just don't have any way of finding out what's going on up there.  All I know is that she hates it at her home and never ever misses her mom when she's here even after a couple of weeks.  She never mentions her ... she never asks for her or about her.  If her mom calls her on the phone and asks to talk to her ... she just says no  no ... I don't wanna talk to her.  She won't even say hi to her.

My friends will call me on the phone and Addison wants to talk to them ... but she won't talk to her mother.

Now that is weird ... something is wrong up there ... and I have no idea what it is.  But this is driving us crazy.  We can't even talk to her on the phone now.  All we know is that Addison was lied to and taken away from us and hasn't been allowed to talk or see any of us.  And I know she hates being at home and I know she doesn't understand where we went or why we left her.  This just can't be good for her.

This is the hardest thing we have ever been through.  I have never seen my son well up with tears ... at least not since he was little.  But when he found out that she was given back to her mother and there was nothing he do about it.  He didn't even get to tell her goodbye.  It just killed him.

This just isn't right.

And they just keep talking about how ... they have the childs best interest in mind and nothing else ... and frankly I just don't see how they think this is in her best interest.

This is craziness ... she's just a little baby.  Why is this happening to her.  And we who are supposed to protect her and keep her safe are helpless.  We teach her to respect the police and then they treat her like this.  They just plain lied to her and to me.  The police lied to a little 4 yr old girl.  How can she ever trust them again?

[morrisgal]

It's me again.

You have to understand that we entered this little girls when she was already three years old.  We missed her baby years.  Her mother never even bothered to find out who the father was until she needed money and applied for government assistance.  She also has another baby that is in the same position ... only this childs father wants nothing to do with Rachel or the baby.

We would really love for Addison to have a good mother... she needs a mother and a father.

Right after we first met Addison ... her mother called me and kept telling me that Addison was complaining of a toothache.  I told her well, take her to the dentist.  Then a month later, she called me again and said Addison had been complaining of toothaches all week and was having trouble sleeping at night.  

My son was working out of town at the time so I told her ... Rachel ... do you want me to just come get her and take her to a dentist in Columbia ... does she not have a dentist up there.  She just said yes would you come get her.  Once again I took off work, drove the hour drive to get her.  When I took her to the dentist ... they asked questions about her past medical history ... and I said I don't know ... about allergies ... and I said ... I don't know.  It was so strange.  But when they xrayed her teeth and I saw them on that screen .... I was appalled.  Every molar in the babies mouth was rotten.  Every one of them.  I have never seen such grossness in my life.  They were just big black holes with dark decay shells of a tooth on the outside.  Just totally rotten.  I couldn't believe it.  They had to put that baby to sleep and pull every one of her teeth.  And the dentist told me that she would have to have braces for a very very long time because of it.

No wonder she had a tooth ache.

Then about a month later ... her mother called and said we needed to keep Addison a week or so longer because her other baby ... maybe a year old was in the hospital with round worms.  When we took Addison to a pediatrician in Columbia ... she said round worms ... that sounds like neglect.  As a citizen of the United States we don't have to concern ourselves with round worms.  In all her practice she had never had a case of round worms.

So what do we do.  As it is right now we can't do anything.  We can't even see her.  How long will this custody thing take.  Even one day is a very long time.

[tulip]

It sounds like you may have a case to prove the child is endangered in her care. Keep documentation of any medical problems like this. I would call social services right away and tell them you are concerned about the child's health. They may not do anything, but it's worth a shot.

Unfortunately, the chances of your son getting custody are not very good, since he didn't even know her the first three years of her life. The mother has been the primary care taker, and nobody will likely take the child out of that home unless you can prove she is in danger, which is pretty hard to do.

He should be able to at least establish a visitation schedule, though. But be patient, it can take a long time. I would start by writing her a letter, copy it, and send it certified mail, so you can prove she got it. Say something like. "I really miss Addison, and I'm worried about her. I don't know why you are refusing to let me talk to her, but I know she wants to see me too. Since I have been regulary picking her up at ****, I would like to continue that schedule. If I don't hear from you by ****, I will assume that you agree it's in her best interest to see me and the rest of her family and pick her up at the regular time."

[tjraid18]

 My best advice. I feel your anguish from reading your posts. But my biggest mistake was letting it get to me. You've got to keep an even keel and don't worry yourself to death over the helplessness you feel. Do the stuff through the courts that you need to. Ask lots of questions when you get to dead ends, or get different answers or no answers. Calmly keep records of any acts of non-compliance. Calmly record viscius acts or acts that are detrimental to the child. Be patient. If things are as you say, then the situation will get better if you stick with it. The hardest part is staying calm and being patient. You should'nt have to be, but it will help immensely. Send a letter to the mom requesting visits in a civil/ professional manner. Make dated copies of request letters and send one to mom. One to your lawyer. One to her lawyer ( if she has one). One to the courthouse or judge or if you have one, the mediator. Get the letters notarized. Your only recourse will come through the courts. If you are the best parent for the child, patiently show that to the courts respectfully. Jump through their hoops. I hope things turn out for the best for everybody. Good luck!!!