Boy, It's getting ugly .

[DeepInTheHeart]

OK, hearing yesterday. Supposed to be continuation of temp. orders hearing and GAL fees. Unfortunately judge had a 2 day trial she needed to dispense with so Temp. orders hearing was reset for end of month and only GAL fees were dealth with.
So, after the hearing, GAL and X's attorney have a conference in the hallway with me and TELL me that the kids are going back to Dad's house today. I inform them that I had told X that I would have the kids this week and had made dental and doctor appointments for the kids as X had had the kids for a month and had failed to take them to the dentist as he has been promising to do for quite some time now.
GAL *TELLS* me that "No, the kids are going back with their dad after their dentist appointment today and will drive OD down for her doctor's visit on Friday. YD's doctor can just be rescheduled- it's not an immediate necessity." I tell her "No, these are issues he's raising and so I am going to do as I have always done and be the responsible one- he's had a month and has failed to do it." She then tells me "You'll send them back with him or I'll have you back in court and MAKE it happen."

***Now, He had them for the last week in May and until June 28. Per the standing, valid court orders / parenting plan, he has them June and I have them July.

The kids going back in July was NOT A COURT ORDER. It was something I had offered him voluntarily until the kids came back to me saying that they did not want to go back to his house for July because they were ignored pretty much the whole day by both SM and X and because they were not allowed ANY privacy- not on the phone, e-mail, bedrooms, bathrooms, etc.

So, I go home and tell the kids to pack their stuff up because they are going back to their Dad's after their dental appointment. That is ALL I said and very casually. I then went to change the laundry from the washer to the dryer.
In The Meantime- OD grabs my cell phone and locks herself in the bathroom. I hear yelling and screaming so I walk towards the bathroom to investigate and all I can make out is a few swear words. By the time I get to the bathroom OD has hung up. I demand to know just WHO she was talking to and using that kind of language with. She informs me that she called her GAL and told her that she was not going back to X's. I made her call back IMMEDIATELY and apologize on GAL's voicemail. She finishes and starts screaming that she's NOT going back and starts crying. I inform her that because of the FILTHY and FOUL call to her GAL that if she plans to stay with me that she is grounded from EVERYTHING- mall, phone, friends, TV, computer, video games- she can make friends with a book or two and read, when she's not working her butt off. I then asked her if she'd rather stay here and be grounded as described OR she can go to her Dad's. She tells me that she'd rather stay and be grounded than go back to her Dad's.
I spend the next God knows how long fighting with this child trying to convince her to go to her Dad's willingly- no luck. She's screaming, crying, vomiting, throwing things, locks herself in the bathroom, etc. This child has NEVER IN HER LIFE acted like this or been this upset- NEVER!
Finally the GAL calls back and talks to OD. GAL tells OD that she WILL go with her Dad OR GAL will file a motion for OD to go live with her father PERMENANTLY! GAL then gets on the phone with me and tells me the SAME thing! So now, we have the GAL *threatening* the child, who is already on the verge of a hysterical breakdown, with the very thing the child has already told her that she doesn't want- IOW, making a bad situation even worse. This sets OD off AGAIN. I get off the phone with the GAL and start calling mental health professionals because OD is in the bathtub, standing in the corner screaming and crying, coughing and gasping for breath covered in vomit. The ONLY way I FINALLY got her to calm down was to threaten to have her admitted to a psychiatric facility and that she would not be able to see or talk to anyone- including me- for 24-72 hours while the doctors evaluated her.

By this time, it's already past the time to meet X. X finally calls and I inform him that the kids aren't going. I have court orders that say I have the kids for July- verbal agreement be d*mned- and OD is flipping out.

So, now, I am sure I've PO'd the GAL. All I can hope for is that all of this comes out in court- the GAL threatening OD and I, OD's reactions, the whole thing.

I'm filing a motion to replace the GAL. The GAL is there to be someone the kids can trust and OD absolutely does NOT trust her at this point. The GAL ignored OD's reaction- blamed it on me actually saying I must have gotten the kids all wound up because I didn't want them to go back. I didn't say that I didn't want them to go back- I SAID that I wanted the kids to go to their doctor visits and that they could go up the next weekend. That was not good enough because X has given the GAL a bullsh*t story about my roommate being a sex offender. I have run TWO background checks on my roommate and other than traffic tickets he has nothing. He just broke up with his girlfriend of 2 years, they had been living together and she had a little girl- NEVER a problem. My kids and I have known him for three+ years. The man has cancer and undergoes chemotherapy. He can barely keep up with his business so that he can pay his bills much less anything else. So we moved in with him at his invitation- low rent in exchange for upkeep on the property so that I can get through school be able to take care of the kids and he has some help keeping up his property. The kids are never left alone with him anyway- they're always with me or at their friend's houses.

GAL tells me that she has concerns about my living conditions- SHE'S NEVER BEEN OUT TO WHERE I AM LIVING NOW! She saw the place I moved from and, no it wasn't a palace but it wasn't a sh*thole either- just the AC didn't work which is why we moved to begin with- the landlord refused to fix the AC and some malfunctioning electrical outlets.

Ah, yes, and just so everyone here knows what a horrid, neglectful witch I am- I took YD to the doctor this morning for a raging case of swimmer's ear that she came back from camp with.

I am so tired of this crap.....

Deep

[smtotwo]

You were well within your rights to keep them per the court order. However if you don't have an attorney YOU'D BETTER GET ONE,LIKE YESTERDAY!!

The GAL can and apparently will make you life a living hell.

We should all be blessed with a GAL that's so biased toward the father!

[nosonew]

Is it possible that you have in the past indicated to the kids, esp OD that you despise and hate your ex?  Thus PAS'ing her, and the GAL is figuring this out?  Perhaps not, there are always two sides to a story, but in my experience, GAL'S don't take this stand without a good reason.  And although you have done a couple of background checks on your roommate, unless he was convicted of the crime, it won't show up.  He could have been accused and charged a thousand times, but without a conviction, you won't know.  Ask the people accusing him of this where and what their info is...YOU need to know, for the safety of your kids.  And please research PAS...you need to see if you are inadvertently subjecting your kids to a form of emotional abuse you may not even realize you are doing.  Your daughters response is CLASSIC for this syndrome.  

Good luck...

[richiejay]

GAL sounds way too involved and biased..get her replaced ASAP.  From what you say, I would say it borders on unprofessionalism..keep us advised.

[littlebit]

1) Why in the world would you argue with the GAL and blatently refuse to do what she said?  That is suicide!

4) Why do you not want the kids at Dad's?  What you wrote only relays an incident of a power-struggle / scheduling conflict between Mom & Dad.

2) The kids came back from Dad's saying they were ignored and had no privacy.  How is that possible to have both at the same time?

3) Because the kids are lashing out with such extreme episodes at your house, not at Dad's, and the GAL has become aware of it, you've got a tough road ahead!

[DeepInTheHeart]

>1) Why in the world would you argue with the GAL and
>blatently refuse to do what she said?  That is suicide!

I didn't blatantly refuse to do what she said. When we got home I told the kids to pack their stuff because they were going back to their Dad's after their appointment. I then went to put clothes from the washer into the dryer. I had laid my cell phone on the kitchen counter and OD grabbed my phone, went into the bathroom and called the GAL's voicemail and left a screaming message that she was NOT going back to her Dad's. I was going to send them back to Dad's and kept the fact that I was peeved (because I had had to do some major scheduling gymnastics to get everything scheduled in one week and was missing a week of school to do it) to myself. OD was screaming and crying right up until the GAL called back but I still stood my ground and could have still made her go at that point. Then the GAL spoke to her and threatened OD and I with filing an immediate change in custody if she didn't go back. At that point OD absolutely freaked. The end result was that she ran into the bathroom where, after getting off the phone with the GAL myself, I found her standing in the bathtub, half wrapped in the shower curtain, crying, gasping for air, pale, sweating, and vomiting. Every time I tried to get near her she would just start flailing wildly. I called mental health professionals and was waiting to hear back from a local psychiatric hospital that treats children and adolescents. I explained to OD what it would mean if I had to admit her to a psych hospital (24-72 hours observation with no outside contact) and she started calming down but it was still another 45 minutes before she was anywhere near rational and another 2 hours after that before she was fully calm- crying but able to talk. By the time all this was said and done, the appointment and time to meet her Dad was LONG past and he was long gone towards home. Since then she's been paranoid and has stuck herself to me like glue. She's had several anxiety attacks and when a lady who boards her horse here parked at the front gate and walked in I found OD under her bed crying, wanting to know who the person was and begging me not to let "them" take her.
Now, I do NOT think her father abused her. I would never suspect that from him. I do NOT know what is going on with OD and she has an appointment with a child psychologist on Tuesday because I'm baffled. What I do know is that she has NEVER done this before and that to send her with her father in the state she was in was not possible and probably would have caused a lot more damage to not only her but him too.
>
>4) Why do you not want the kids at Dad's?  What you wrote only
>relays an incident of a power-struggle / scheduling conflict
>between Mom & Dad.

It started as a scheduling conflict but quickly progressed into full scale chaos due to OD's reaction. Like I said, I was prepared to send them back. Lord knows I'm in school and it would be very convenient to me if they went back so I didn't have to worry about what to do with them while I am at school. As it is I have missed the entire week and will continue to have to miss until this mess gets straightened out as OD won't even let me walk outside without coming with me. I just can't see it as being appropriate to take her to school with me.
I tried to get them to go back to Dad's and YD was not happy about it but would have gone. In retrospect I should have had her Dad come pick at least YD up and I told him that today and apologized for not having him do so. With everything going on with OD I was not thinking about that- I was focused on OD and trying to get her to calm down. We are going to work out arrangements to get at least YD to his house.

>
>2) The kids came back from Dad's saying they were ignored and
>had no privacy.  How is that possible to have both at the same
>time?

SM watches them during the day while Dad is at work. They say that SM gets up about 10-10:30, gives them a list of chores and then gets on the computer where she stays all day until Dad gets home. When the kids finish their chores they say that all there is to do is watch TV and play video games. They want to go to the park 3 houses down and she won't let them go by themselves and she won't get off the computer and take them. So their complaint as far as boredom goes is that they are cooped up in the house all the time. They've never been big on video games, computers or TV so...they are bored. Dad gets home, says he's tired and won't even (according to them) play a board game with them. They are complaining that there is a lack of interaction. Now, YD is pretty good at entertaining herself, always has been- she'll read or make up games to play- so it doesn't bother her as much. OD has always been a highly interactive child and less able to entertain herself- she needs someone to interact with, "bounce off of" so to speak. Still, I just can't see a lack of interaction causing the level of reaction that she had.
The privacy issue comes in with e-mail and telephone time. OD states that she is not allowed to talk on the telephone unless she stays in the same room with Dad so that he can monitor the conversation. He also reads all of her e-mail. The GAL said that she would have a talk with him because she also felt the kids needed privacy for these things. When I spoke to him a few nights ago (I've been having the kids call him every night) he mentioned that the GAL had talked to him about the privacy issue and that, because he wasn't willing to give them privacy, his solution was that they will not be allowed to use e-mail or the telephone at all. (This was a few nights after the Tuesday fiasco- so this had nothing to do with them not going back).

>
>3) Because the kids are lashing out with such extreme episodes
>at your house, not at Dad's, and the GAL has become aware of
>it, you've got a tough road ahead!

As I said, this is the FIRST time OD has ever done that. Now, YD had made plans for the week with friends and that's what she was upset about and I told her that she was going to Dad's anyway. She had started to pack so, while she was upset at not being able to see her friends she was "on board". OD was the only one who freaked. I think we need to find out why before we go any further and before we risk doing her some serious damage.
There is NO history of any prior such episodes. OD is in advanced classes at school, rarely misses school, gets very high- often commended level scores on her state standardized testing, everybody tells me what a great kid she is, a few detentions for minor things (chewing gum, talking in class, etc.) but no major discipline problems, she's a talented bass player according to her orchestra teachers. This is not a child who is out of control or a habitual problem. She's a bright, intelligent and otherwise normal child.

My point here was that the GAL took a child who was already upset- knew the child was upset- had been told and could hear it for herself- and made matters worse by threatening her with exactly what she's told the GAL she fears the most. And over what? A verbal agreement made between my ex and I and which I had stipulated with- "If you AND THE KIDS want to." This was not a court order and, in fact, is contrary to the current and valid orders which the GAL does not have the authority and power to unilaterally change. On top of that, the agreement was between my ex and I and had nothing to do with the GAL or his attorney.
Had she not threatened the child I probably could have still made her go. Her Dad would have had absolute hell for probably 1-2 hours on the trip back but that would have been his problem- not mine. But the state she ended up in after talking to the GAL- there was no way. Nervous breakdown, anxiety attack, panic attack...whatever it was it was full blown.

Deep

[DeepInTheHeart]

>1) Why in the world would you argue with the GAL and
>blatently refuse to do what she said?  That is suicide!

I didn't blatantly refuse to do what she said. When we got home I told the kids to pack their stuff because they were going back to their Dad's after their appointment. I then went to put clothes from the washer into the dryer. I had laid my cell phone on the kitchen counter and OD grabbed my phone, went into the bathroom and called the GAL's voicemail and left a screaming message that she was NOT going back to her Dad's. I was going to send them back to Dad's and kept the fact that I was peeved (because I had had to do some major scheduling gymnastics to get everything scheduled in one week and was missing a week of school to do it) to myself. OD was screaming and crying right up until the GAL called back but I still stood my ground and could have still made her go at that point. Then the GAL spoke to her and threatened OD and I with filing an immediate change in custody if she didn't go back. At that point OD absolutely freaked. The end result was that she ran into the bathroom where, after getting off the phone with the GAL myself, I found her standing in the bathtub, half wrapped in the shower curtain, crying, gasping for air, pale, sweating, and vomiting. Every time I tried to get near her she would just start flailing wildly. I called mental health professionals and was waiting to hear back from a local psychiatric hospital that treats children and adolescents. I explained to OD what it would mean if I had to admit her to a psych hospital (24-72 hours observation with no outside contact) and she started calming down but it was still another 45 minutes before she was anywhere near rational and another 2 hours after that before she was fully calm- crying but able to talk. By the time all this was said and done, the appointment and time to meet her Dad was LONG past and he was long gone towards home. Since then she's been paranoid and has stuck herself to me like glue. She's had several anxiety attacks and when a lady who boards her horse here parked at the front gate and walked in I found OD under her bed crying, wanting to know who the person was and begging me not to let "them" take her.
Now, I do NOT think her father abused her. I would never suspect that from him. I do NOT know what is going on with OD and she has an appointment with a child psychologist on Tuesday because I'm baffled. What I do know is that she has NEVER done this before and that to send her with her father in the state she was in was not possible and probably would have caused a lot more damage to not only her but him too.
>
>4) Why do you not want the kids at Dad's?  What you wrote only
>relays an incident of a power-struggle / scheduling conflict
>between Mom & Dad.

It started as a scheduling conflict but quickly progressed into full scale chaos due to OD's reaction. Like I said, I was prepared to send them back. Lord knows I'm in school and it would be very convenient to me if they went back so I didn't have to worry about what to do with them while I am at school. As it is I have missed the entire week and will continue to have to miss until this mess gets straightened out as OD won't even let me walk outside without coming with me. I just can't see it as being appropriate to take her to school with me.
I tried to get them to go back to Dad's and YD was not happy about it but would have gone. In retrospect I should have had her Dad come pick at least YD up and I told him that today and apologized for not having him do so. With everything going on with OD I was not thinking about that- I was focused on OD and trying to get her to calm down. We are going to work out arrangements to get at least YD to his house.

>
>2) The kids came back from Dad's saying they were ignored and
>had no privacy.  How is that possible to have both at the same
>time?

SM watches them during the day while Dad is at work. They say that SM gets up about 10-10:30, gives them a list of chores and then gets on the computer where she stays all day until Dad gets home. When the kids finish their chores they say that all there is to do is watch TV and play video games. They want to go to the park 3 houses down and she won't let them go by themselves and she won't get off the computer and take them. So their complaint as far as boredom goes is that they are cooped up in the house all the time. They've never been big on video games, computers or TV so...they are bored. Dad gets home, says he's tired and won't even (according to them) play a board game with them. They are complaining that there is a lack of interaction. Now, YD is pretty good at entertaining herself, always has been- she'll read or make up games to play- so it doesn't bother her as much. OD has always been a highly interactive child and less able to entertain herself- she needs someone to interact with, "bounce off of" so to speak. Still, I just can't see a lack of interaction causing the level of reaction that she had.
The privacy issue comes in with e-mail and telephone time. OD states that she is not allowed to talk on the telephone unless she stays in the same room with Dad so that he can monitor the conversation. He also reads all of her e-mail. The GAL said that she would have a talk with him because she also felt the kids needed privacy for these things. When I spoke to him a few nights ago (I've been having the kids call him every night) he mentioned that the GAL had talked to him about the privacy issue and that, because he wasn't willing to give them privacy, his solution was that they will not be allowed to use e-mail or the telephone at all. (This was a few nights after the Tuesday fiasco- so this had nothing to do with them not going back).

>
>3) Because the kids are lashing out with such extreme episodes
>at your house, not at Dad's, and the GAL has become aware of
>it, you've got a tough road ahead!

As I said, this is the FIRST time OD has ever done that. Now, YD had made plans for the week with friends and that's what she was upset about and I told her that she was going to Dad's anyway. She had started to pack so, while she was upset at not being able to see her friends she was "on board". OD was the only one who freaked. I think we need to find out why before we go any further and before we risk doing her some serious damage.
There is NO history of any prior such episodes. OD is in advanced classes at school, rarely misses school, gets very high- often commended level scores on her state standardized testing, everybody tells me what a great kid she is, a few detentions for minor things (chewing gum, talking in class, etc.) but no major discipline problems, she's a talented bass player according to her orchestra teachers. This is not a child who is out of control or a habitual problem. She's a bright, intelligent and otherwise normal child.

My point here was that the GAL took a child who was already upset- knew the child was upset- had been told and could hear it for herself- and made matters worse by threatening her with exactly what she's told the GAL she fears the most. And over what? A verbal agreement made between my ex and I and which I had stipulated with- "If you AND THE KIDS want to." This was not a court order and, in fact, is contrary to the current and valid orders which the GAL does not have the authority and power to unilaterally change. On top of that, the agreement was between my ex and I and had nothing to do with the GAL or his attorney.
Had she not threatened the child I probably could have still made her go. Her Dad would have had absolute hell for probably 1-2 hours on the trip back but that would have been his problem- not mine. But the state she ended up in after talking to the GAL- there was no way. Nervous breakdown, anxiety attack, panic attack...whatever it was it was full blown.

Deep

[DeepInTheHeart]

>Is it possible that you have in the past indicated to the
>kids, esp OD that you despise and hate your ex?  Thus PAS'ing
>her, and the GAL is figuring this out?  Perhaps not, there are
>always two sides to a story, but in my experience, GAL'S don't
>take this stand without a good reason.

I can say that I would never do it intentionally. I don't think I have ever done it unintentionally. I always try to do the right thing. I have never interfered with his parenting time- this is the first time there has ever been a problem. I don't speak ill about their dad to them. I encourage them to call him anytime they want- his number is posted on the fridge both work and home. When they leave to spend time with him I always tell them to have fun and I refrain from calling on visits of 3 days or less. The month he had them I called once a week because I don't want to unreasonably interrupt his time with them. I want them to focus on him and not me calling all the time. Since the fiasco Tuesday I've had them call him every night. Even through this whole mess he and I have always talked civilly on the phone- never yelling or even raising a voice. If anything, I'd like for him to spend more time with them. He only takes a weekend every 3-4 months and this is the first time he's had them for the summer and the first time he's had them for longer than a week.

  And although you have
>done a couple of background checks on your roommate, unless he
>was convicted of the crime, it won't show up.  He could have
>been accused and charged a thousand times, but without a
>conviction, you won't know.  Ask the people accusing him of
>this where and what their info is...YOU need to know, for the
>safety of your kids.

I asked my ex about this as I was told that he was the one saying it. He swears he never said any such thing. I'm not overly worried about it as I have known this man for 3+ years, and for 2 of those years he lived with a girlfriend and the GF's 4yo daughter. I spent a LOT of time with all three of them at their house and never saw any untoward behavior. The child was not afraid of him at all- she adored him- and he acted in every capacity as a father to her as her own father is voluntarily absent from her life. He and the GF broke up and I called her after I was told my ex was making this accusation and asked her what she thought. She adamantly stated that she never at any time had any concerns about his interactions with her daughter and is willing to appear in court to say so. Their breakup was purely incompatability between she and him.
ON top of that I don't leave my kids here alone or for him to watch anyway- he has his own life and he's not my personal babysitter and I don't expect him to be. There is either myself or their stepdad with them or they are out and about with us.

  And please research PAS...you need to
>see if you are inadvertently subjecting your kids to a form of
>emotional abuse you may not even realize you are doing.  Your
>daughters response is CLASSIC for this syndrome.  

I have researched PAS in the past and I agree that the symptoms are very similar. All I can tell you is that if there is PAS going on, it's not coming from me that I can tell. This is why I have OD going to a psychologist on Tuesday- to try to find out exactly what is going on in her head because I'm baffled myself.
>
>Good luck...

Thanks 'cause I'm gonna need it.

Deep