PSYCHOLOGICAL EVALUATION

[tharper001]

Well, finally after about a year and half of working with our attorney, things are beginning to happen now.  The G.M., on June 30th, granted our wish for a psychological evaluation.  My husband and I (he's NC) are visiting the evaluator first in a couple of weeks.

The research tools on this site are so wonderful, but there's nothing like those with actual experience to help you through these things.  We've researched these evaluations and what you should do and what you would like to say, but what you really should say, etc...  My question...

It stresses about not using negativity about the other parent.  It stresses to say positive things about the other parent's skills, along with concerns that you  may have.  What do we do when there truly are no positive things to say about the current custodial parent?  The custodial parent has an extensive job history, has an extensive living history, has a history of violent relationships, the child's school records show a child that is late all the time to school, the child doesn't complete homework assignments, the child has behavioral problems listed on report cards, and the custodial parent is not a parent that my husband can call up and ask about his daughter because the custodial parent screams and yells --and my husband refuses to be talked to in this manner.  The custodial parent leaves the child home alone, sometimes until midnight or later on school nights.  My husband has not talked to his child since July 2nd, he was refused visitation this past weekend, along with his 4th of July visitation and the general master ordered summer visitation -- we just got this paperwork, but our attorney is going to use it against her anyway -- she should have been there for the hearing.  The mother has walked out of a deposition, she has screamed at the attorney, she did not show up for the general master hearing.

Do you see a pattern here?  My husband and I are extremely concerned about his child's well-being... and I guess this is what we should focus on and just put our words very carefully.  The facts speak for themselves... there is no denying by the other party these facts.  So I guess a package made for the evaluator should list out these facts in a clear and concise manner.

Any advice from those of you who have experienced this would be great!  My husband and I can show we are very stable, employment wise, residence wise and that while our marriage has had ups and downs, what marriage doesn't.  We've done thereapy about a year or so ago and we have worked very hard together to understand each other, and to use each other's strengths to build a better relationship.  We have many friends that the evaluator can call to support what type of people we are.  Thanks again for any advice!

[nosonew]

All I can tell you is what we went through:

Our custody evaluator sucked.  He visited with each parent, step-parent (me), the child (never alone, always with a parent), did all the regular psych testing...

He asked about problems we were having with all 3 adults present, myself, dh and bm.  DH began his "list".... when done, evaluator turned to the woman who had taken us to court and made us take her to court 10 times for contempt of orders, and said, "Well, what do you think about that?"  Her response?  "I don't know what he is talking about! I thought we all get along great!"  That was the beginning of the end.  Our documentation of problems, the guy LITERALLY THREW IN THE TRASH IN FRONT OF US without EVER opening it.  Even our Social Services Dept told us "If the evaluator subpoena's our records, they will state that the child is in a detrimental and psychologically unhealthy relationship with the mother and should be placed with the father".  He refused to get these records.  (Based on several false allegations of sexual abuse).

More or less, he stated that because "we" see all these problems and "she" doesn't, it would never work with the child in our custody.  And he believed the OLD RULE of the 70's ...the tender years crap.  So...she was told what Sparc says to tell them, or not tell them in this case.  And she won that battle....however, we ended up winning the war later.  

YOUR main focus:

1. BOTH parents should see their children
2. We will DO EVERYTHING in our power to make sure the bm sees child as often as possible.
3.  We hold nothing against her, would like to be friends....

Bullshit him like our bm did, and it will HELP your case, not hinder it.  

And remember, if you have NOTHING good to say, don't say anything at all!  If he asks specific questions regarding incidents, or incidents get brought up, be negative only about the BEHAVIOR or INCIDENT, not against her.  

For example:  BM in contempt for withholding child stating child is ill (although you know better).

If this gets brought up, state. "I was distressed at not seeing my child, I can understand her need to protect him, and that is okay, however, I am capable of taking care of an ill child as well."

Don't say: "The bitch kept my kid from me, claiming he was sick! I know better because I know Mrs. B who lives down the street and she saw him playing outside allday and night with the neighborhood kids!"  

Remember, zip your lip, keep yourself under control.  If possible, let HER speak first when in the same room together with the evaluator...know what tactic she is trying to use....

Go by the guidelines set up for these evals....been there, didn't know about Sparc then...regret it! Good luck!  You don't want to wait until this child has been so trained that when you do (if) you finally get him that he is too old to learn how to be a normal kid!

[Dr.Stepmom]

Looking for something good to say? So were we and here is about all we could come up with.

We were fighting like crazy over custody, any extra minute was a battle even though she loved to put him in daycare as long as possible.  That translated into...she is very passionate about child.

We were accused of abuse for taking him to the doctor and getting his medical needs met.  This translated to...she seems very concerned about his safety.

Get creative, but be sure to follow it up with your concerns.

What would her mother say her good points are?  How about the child?

I have to say (and we don't have our report yet) our experience was much different than the one just given.  We gave the evaluator a 200 page binder of info and documented proof.  Now the eval is almost over  (after a lot of interviewing and psychological testing of all parties involved) and there are a couple points that have escalated since the start of our eval (4+ months ago), my DH asked the evaluator if we could provide a little more info and he said he is willing to read anything we feel is pertinent.  We know he read the first binder from his questions/actions so far.

BTW...Mom gave nothing, no evidence of abuse, no documentation, nothing.  It sounds like in your case she is the type to do the same.

This is your big chance.  Look at it that way.  Hope your evaluator is good.  But either way give it your all!

Good luck.

[Forthelittleones]

I would be careful with the binder.  We did that the first time around and it got us nowhere.  Actually, in the report - both parents were listed as obsesive and wanting to show they were better instead of letting go of the past.  

This time around we did not do that - We made statements and the evaluator followed up herself.  She saw through mom.  We go to court on the 14th.  Lets see what happens.

[tharper001]

Well, we got another message from the child this morning from last night... she said that she was leaving a message so it could be documented, but don't bother calling back because they were going on vacation for four days.  I guess her mother must have received the latest paperwork... and it's just even that much greater that the child called and said it was for documentation.  Now... how does that mother deny that she is talking to the child about these court documents... even thought the latest round was very, very strong about what each of the parents should not do with the child -- and one is discuss the custody issue.  No 11 year-old child talks that way anyway... unless they are being coached.

We're going to transcribe it and also record it... and it should be interesting to see if we get the scheduled visitation for this weekend.  It will be real interesting to see how the child acts also.  The last time she was here was father's day.  And she acted fine then, until it was time to go home and she had such a long face.  Now, my husband has been turned into the bad guy in her mind... that was evident from her tone in that message.

But this too shall pass.  And I certainly hope that we don't have to sit in the same room with this witch.  I get so anxious to the point of shaking just to know that I may have to look at her.  She frightens me and it also makes me very angry to know how she treats my husband and their daughter.  Of course, we are definitely reading the things to do and not to do at the evaluation.  We have never done anything to hinder the relationship between the child and the mother... if the child wanted to call her mother while with us, she was more than welcome to.  My husband drives over 130 miles round trip and has done this for a couple of years now because we have an e-mail from the mother that says she is not going to drive a city block to get his daughter to him.  We've been in our house for almost 2.5 years, and before that, was at a condo... she came to our condo three times, once was to sign a document to take the state out of the child support issue because she wasn't getting her check on time.  She has never been to our house -- nor will she ever... but there is a spot at the end of the road that we would be glad to meet her at.

These things are just the tip of the ice berg... the child hasn't been to the dentist in over 20 months... I'm canceling yet another appointment this week because we were supposed to have summer vacation... yet another contempt.  The school grades are terrible, the attendance is terrible (mostly from being late -- and the child's response is that they run on eastern standard time and can't help that the school's clocks are fast -- yes, this was the child's actual response to her father).  The child doesn't call, the child is left home alone... until recently, and has been being taken to the mother's place of work -- a restaurant/bar -- at least that's where they were coming from the last time my husband picked up his daughter.

While it's unfortunate the child is suffering, and could even possible end up hating her father, we stand by what we are doing.  No, we don't feel that sole custody is in the best interest of the child, but hopefully, the evaluator will.  Once all the evidence is out on the table, we hope because of the discussions with the child, that the evaluator will only consider supervised visitations for the mother until the mother can get the emotional help that she needs.  Because, when it all comes down to it, she is a very sick individual from a mental standpoint.  Hopefully this will make her face that and in the years to come, it could only get better for everyone involved.

[kitten]

Research and get documentation on BM.  Reaserch evaluator before agreeing to this one.  Do NOT expect evaluator to be "fair and impartial" and you can forget the meaning of "in the children's best interest".  Sorry to sound bitter, but be ready for ANYTHING and EVERYTHING!  Good luck to you and your family.

[bigdiol]

We went through the eval - and provided also a 200 pg binder. THe thing is - is that you need to make sure it is in the simplest form as possible. For instance, all of the items listed  - make a list, with dates, and have that as a separate sheet.

-The custodial parent has an extensive job history
- has an extensive living history
-has a history of violent relationships
-the child's school records show a child that is late all the time to school,
-the child doesn't complete homework assignments,
-the child has behavioral problems listed on report cards,
-and the custodial parent is not a parent that my husband can call up and ask about his daughter because the custodial parent screams and yells

We had a list by date detailing all of the boyfirends, moves and upheaveals on the BM part - and the stability of the father on the other part. We had statements from the school & teachers saying she was late all the time, then we included the attendance records + gradecards. WE got them to state that BM never participated at  the school or with activities.  When information is presented in a calm, unemotional logical way, it is taken more serious. We told the evaluator - "dont take our word for it - heres the documentation."

What do we do when there truly are no positive things to say about the current custodial parent?
Your answers can get the facts out by saying upfront--I really dont want to bash and badmouth, but we are really concerned about these issues: (a,b,c, etc.)
When possible, get statements from professionals like teachers, police, doctors that have come into contact with the nasty ways of the other party. THen the negativity is from them. Type up statements with their names, numbers, emails, so the evaluator can quickly get ahold of them should they deem neccessary.

Having a journal of events helps a lot - because it has dates and times, and it really helps as your case goes along and you need to keep repeating things. A lot of stuff gets forgotten, so having this to go over now and again refreshes details.

One last advice, is like it was mentioned in another email - try to keep the emotional reaction calm, no matter what is leveled at you.

good luck,
big

[bluesman]

>The custodial parent has an
>extensive job history, has an extensive living history, has a
>history of violent relationships, the child's school records
>show a child that is late all the time to school, the child
>doesn't complete homework assignments, the child has
>behavioral problems listed on report cards, and the custodial
>parent is not a parent that my husband can call up and ask
>about his daughter because the custodial parent screams and
>yells --and my husband refuses to be talked to in this manner.
> The custodial parent leaves the child home alone, sometimes
>until midnight or later on school nights.  My husband has not
>talked to his child since July 2nd, he was refused visitation
>this past weekend, along with his 4th of July visitation and
>the general master ordered summer visitation -- we just got
>this paperwork, but our attorney is going to use it against
>her anyway -- she should have been there for the hearing.  The
>mother has walked out of a deposition, she has screamed at the
>attorney, she did not show up for the general master hearing.

You need to tell the evaluator about all of this and provide what you have to back it up.

In my opinion, having been through this, a 200 page binder is probably overkill. These evaluators will, if you're lucky, spend 15 hours on your case. And I'm referring to private, expensive evaluators, not free evaluations done by a social worker. You need to be concise and to the point. Don't make the mistake of assuming these evaluators all really want to spend as much time as they can on your case so they can be sure to make the right decision. I don't believe they do. The ones that do are the exception, in my opinion.

I wouldn't focus too much on the other parent's good qualitiies - easy in your case because she doesn't appear to have any. She'll take care of that herself. You need to give the evaluator the information they need to make a good decision. A custody evaluator who I consulted with during my trial (he wasn't the one who performed the eval) told me himself, "I can't make a good decision without all of the information." In other words, tell the evaluator the bad things about the other parent that concern you. But don't slam them. Be factual, and brief. Its all in how you say it.

Good luck.

[tharper001]

How did court go????