Hlp--15 yr old wants to live with dad now!

[woodlark]

Read mu other posts...I struggle too. SD'is not treated differently than mine or ours and I have always been under the assumption that she is very spoiled by her BM (material things).

I do know that she is bored...lives in a situation where she has no friends nearby and thus had a very socially isolated life.

I feel badly that you were blindsided...my heart goes out to you.
MY sd has been discussing this with her mom for over a year now and her mother has threatened to "send her to live with her dad"on numerous occasions....SD is confised by this..."why is mom assuming that would make me unhappy"

From her perspective and also form my own daughter's who earlier this summer advised she wanted to live with her dad and SM next year

they have always been with you...(BM) they know thay only have a few years before they leave the nest, they want to spend time being a apert of dad's life too

my daughters decision was met with respect, her father is wonderful and despite being divorced from him we still share a close relationship that includes my hubby and his wife...its best for the girls

SD's BM cannot or will not see that her daughter is a separate being with her own mind....she accuses us of brainwashing her amonfg other horrid things.

My advice...get the girls some couselling...work WITH your ex to develop a plan where the girls will not feel like they are having to chose and respect whatver decisions they do ultimately make


I truly wish you all the best.

[Erika]

If you aren't comfortable posting, email me at [email protected]

To help you, my skids BM and her DH lived in the west end, like you (if it's you). We got together a few times, we stayed at your house one night. Gosh I hope it's you because I sent an e-mail after I moved and it bounced back!

I wanted to catch up see how you were doing and how M was.

[mango]

If BM has tried somewhat to let her come out, can you (we did this once) put in together a temporary one year order.That will overide the exiting order. A one year relocation, with an end/expiration date.  So at teh end she has to go back with mom.

Without attorneys.

This way the SD can try out Canada life with dad, and choose at the end.

You could suspend the CS order, and even to make it nice for BM, not have her pay DH for that year. Just to show good faith.

We did this once, it was fine. BM had a job out of state for two years, we took the first year and BM took the second year. Plan expired after two years, and the old parenting plan was back in place.

DH & BM wrote and entered it into court without attorneys.

[woodlark]

I think this is what we may try....SD had indicated to her mom that she did want to live here for a year knowing that she will soon leave ethe nest and she wanted to spend time with hubby and sister.

BM told her there will be no bouncing back and forth and that hse had to make a decision and stick to it. Sadly when SD did make that decision she was very verbakky abusive to her. Sad.

We see the lawyer tomorrow (had emergency court the other day) and we are preparing SD for the reality of her having to return to Florida. Im just sick and I feel like we are lettting her down.

[Lawmoe]

A child custody order can only be modified by a subsequent child cutody order. The standard for modifying child custody vaies from State to State. However, in the vast majority of states that standard is what is in the best interests of the child.  There is also generally a presumption that the current custody arrangement should be maintained and it is up to the parent seeking to change custody to prove their case by a preponderance of the evidence.

Any "best interests of the child" analysis requires that the Court look at the totality of all circumstances including factors set out in your State Statutes.  One of those factors is the desires of the child.   That is ONLY one factor and is not dispositive although, from a practical perspective, the older the child becomes, the more persuasive the child's opinions.

[woodlark]

Thanks for your assistance.

We are filing for an emergency hearing this Friday. Our attorney is trying to have a court appointmed laywer assigned to SD's case (a child laywer is court appointed in ON)

SD is due to return home on Saturday

So wish us, and more importantly, SD luck....thanks to all for your support, I will keep you posted.

[woodlark]

Update - Can't get any worse than this.....

BM has received letter from our attorney, we are proceedin with modifying custodial court order.

BM has lost her marbles now. She has started a campaign of denigration and is having SD's friends in her home state contact her via email and ask her to come home....which in itself is understandable and completely logical given that she is extrmeley upset by SD's decision

HOWEVER she has informed SD's friends that she is using illegal drugs and has had "police involvement for same

SD is so very upset, so very, very upset and inconsolable now. This has furthered her resolve that she does wish to reside here

THEN, oh it gets better, grandmother (with whom child and BM reside) call and tells SD that she will end up "putting BM and her in hospital"

When SD asserts her decision she tells her to "have a good life" and hangs up on her.

Other tactics used by BM and GM (quoted):
- we cannot afford to fly you home so you will never see us again (hubby has committed to paying for flights home so SD can have ample visitation with BM)
- denial of negative remarks made to date
- telling SD she is crazy and is a bitch for"putting them through this"
- GM telling sd that her heart is as broken as when her granfather died
- telling SD she will not succeed academically here and the list goes on....

We have kept attorney apprised of all of this
Hubby is sinking into depression, SD is flatly refusing to return to Fl. and all other children are affected.

Is there ever an end to the pain these people are willing to inflict on thier children whom they claim to love?

I just read aussie's story and I am terrifed given that similar threats have been made ....

[nosonew]

Regarding the comment from another poster that it sounds like PAS, I personally do not feel that way.  Kids who don't have social lives and are in a "controlling" relationship with a bio parent who has custody of them, tend to "let loose" as they age.  My own bio son has done that, stating, "I am going to my dads, I want to live with my dad". The difference is, his dad doesn't want him to live there.  Not because he doesn't miss him, or love him as much as I, but because the school district and "influences" are not good where he lives.  He may live in a 250,000 home, (he does), but he is afraid that our straight A student, living in a 5 stop-light town, will choose negative influences that will affect the rest of his life if he moved to a town of 500,000 people.  

My son's dad is realistic and reasonable.  

Your sd is wanting a "true family", the one she reads about in books, the "Dad, Mom, siblings family".  I don't blame her.  No one should.  Is this stressful for the adults? Yes.  Should they do as your dh is doing? YES.  

I suggest you do nothing to confront her mother, say nothing negative, as hard as it may be, and support your dh in his decision 100%.  Yes, your life will be hell for a little while.  But your sd's emotional health will be better for it.  She needs to know her dad, and you, love her, respect her, and support her "adult" decision.  

I have nothing but the utmost respect for any parent who is NOT pas"ing their children, yet the child decides to live with them and they FIGHT for the child's right to decide at this age.  

YOU ARE doing the right thing!

[woodlark]

Today is return day

Mom is at airport and will have dad charged with international child abduction this pm per her conversation with dad last pm...she hads threatened FBI intervention

Dad has been advised to return daughter by attorney noting order gives custodial rights to BM

Dad got daughter up this am, we packed her up last night...she refused.

Dad escorted her to truck
Daughter efused to go...dad called police who spoke to daughter about impacts potetially on dad re: criminal charges

Dad has booked next available flight and has left mother message (as have police) re: same
Daughter is extremely ditraught and states she will not go.

Aussie. This BM DOES hate dad more than she loves shild as evidenced by recent comments made to friends.

Call has been placed to attorney re: what do we do next???????

Thanks to all for your assitance and support...I will keep you posted.......

[woodlark]

Judge listened to plea on Tuesday
We were granted temp custody until hearing on 25Aug2004!!!
We are all breathing a wee sigh of relief!

SD is overjoyed but we cautioned her that this may not mean she is here for good....

I think mom will agree, noting she would have to come up for hearing and hire a laywer in Canada (her lawyer she had for the divorce no longer wants anything to do with her and refuses to represent her)

I think  (i hope) she accepting SD's decision and perhaps will consent without the upset of another court date (where she is likely based on what our lawyer is telling us to ger her wrist slapped publicly for the events of last few years per SD's affidavit)

Now comes rebuilding their (BM and SD) relationship after unfortunate recent events. Its the best thing and the right thing to do...SD needs BOTH her parents in her life and for them to get along....whatever way possible. Hubby and I are committed to this.

SD is now attending counselling and we are urging her to remain in close contact with mom during this difficult time and to not let go of the fact that mom, despite all her angry words, soes indeed love her and is understandably upset at SD's decision....

THANKS  so much to all who have been supportivive and provided info. your advice has helped greatly....

This is truly the most amazing supotive forum we have ever encountered.

to all...I'll keep you posted on the next steps....again thank you

Woodlark