Kids and I are Rolling the Dice This Weekend (Long)

[mariajb]

My ex-husband and I aren't on the best of terms.  I try my best to ignore his control power plays and his snide remarks and him talking badly about me in front of my kids, who are 15 and 13.

I am the NCP and he has been the CP for the last 5 years and I was the CP for four years prior.  Change in custody was private and voulntary on both sides for medical and financial reasons.

Now my kids are as sick of him as I got before I left him, for a hundred reasons.  Please keep in mind that I do not badmouth and ask my kids to have tolerance but the things they complain about give me the shivers as it all comes back to me.

The thing is, my kids don't want to live with him anymore and LIKE NOW! they want to live with me.  After about 5 years of emotional abuse that they are just beginning to tell me now bcs its mostly really bad lies about me (he knows nothing of my life) and they don't want to hurt my feelings, now physical abuse has come into play.

He slapped my daughter in a restaurant last week and then again slapped her on Tuesday, on the arm twice for not wearing a sweatshirt?  He hit my son in the ribs for hitting his sister (yeah there's a lesson) and winded him and he hit the floor struggling to breathe for a few minutes.

School is in the toilet for both of them, my son with a failing average and my daughter failing two subjects as well.  It's NYC schools who dont have the best reputation in the world, and I live in a great school district in a nearby suburb.  Their dad and the new wife work till 8 or 9pm every night.

There is a nanny there for the new 1 yr  old but she does nothing for my kids and they have to wait till someone gets home to eat dinner.  Then it's off to bed at 9:30pm.  Who's watching homework?  Who's offering help or at least observing to see if other things could be done to improve this?  No he just rides them and rides them with threats, a crime to a boy who asks for his Ritalin and it is refused though it's in the house bcs "he doesnt need it".

I am sick of his manipulation and his lies and his deceit and his cruelty and I rue the day I signed those custody papers but I trusted, for his kids,  he would do the right thing and sadly for them, I was wrong.

This weekend they are coming and they already told me they refuse to go back to his home after the weekend and they are going to stay with me and go to school here and they are sick of the abuse.  We live about 30 miles from each other.  They don't care he has a court order they are so upset, and we tried asking him nicely but he sneers at me.  Time to take a stand and I hope this all goes well.

I am going to call him Sunday afternoon, which is 2 days after his wife is having their second child, he at 47 she at 43., and not wait till he is on the way here Sunday to pick the kids up to go to the hospital.  They are so removed from him and his wife that they really don't give a fig to see this baby, saddens me that they are being callous with the baby...its beginning....I don't want these kids to turn out like him....I have to take this in hand....he is hurting them over and over and it doesnt stop.  I dont care he has a custody order, then hire a lawyer and get me in front of a judge and hope your kids will want to see you ever again.  And if a judge makes them go back they told me they will just keep running away and calling me from a safe place to get them until I get custody.

So I am going drastic, I am going to stand my ground and abide by my kids wishes because it would be the safest, best way to protect them....CPS in NYC is the biggest nightmare and I won't even consider calling these people, they are notorious for their inefficiency and corruption.  And I have been advised getting arrested is slim, it's a family court matter not a police matter. I am not breaking the order, he can call them and see them if they wish for a visit, but I can't force my kids out the door bodily if they don't want to go and the cops can't put their hands on them....talk about traumatizing a kid.

I hope  he holds off running to a judge to hold me in contempt because then we both need lawyers and I don't think he has $3K to burn right now.  We could go to mediation down the road which is very lost cost.  And in the meantime he doesn't have to pay child support bcs there is no order and I hope he figures that out first thing.

This is a bold move and I am so nervous at times about it, I wanna jump out of my skin.  I stopped smoking Tuesday and I am so glad because the kids will be here so much more and that would be a form of abuse, so I am taking steps..I wish he would...cops were here last sunday when they didnt want to go and he hit my daughter again on tuesday....

Wish me luck my friends and any advice is appreciated.

[ocean]

I can see you frustration and at their ages they do have a lot of say but you are going to have some hurdles to climb if you do it this way...First, you will not be able to sign them up for the new school if he goes to your school disrtict and shows them custody papers...and second...not sure about this but I would think he could her a fast hearing on this because he does have custody and you are "kidnapping" them. Can you tell them to wait that you will go through court and get is reversed (using the children's wishes and poor grades)....Good luck ! Let us know what happens.....What happened last sunday with the police? Did they "force" them to go back?

[Bolivar]

I quickly went over your post.  Interesting story.  I know there is a question in there somewhere.

My opinion on your relationship difficulties?
Like me, you didn't get along with your eX so you got a divorce.  Not to be rude but, is it a surprise you still don't get along?

To me divorce is about parents NOT having to see each other daily and learning how to deal with there sh*t.

A wise person told me, Bolivar there are three sides to every divorce:
1. His side
2. Her side
3. The Truth


Please understand I am not trying to glaze over your dilemma.  I do sympathize with the tremendous pain you feel dealing with another person who is vindictive while doing what is best for the children.  At times the pain can be unbearable.

I have learned that no matter how crappy I feel "I can never give up trying to be more of a parent to my son".  I am a dad and will continue to be a positive roll model for my son.  


This reminds me of a saying:
With time some bottles of grape juice turn in to Great wine, others turn into vinegar.

With the passage of time I hope to become Great Dad at peace with my undesirable situation and not turn into a grumpy old dad.

[wendl]

is there a way when you have the kids to file an exparte emergency hearing and request the childrens voice be considered in the determination.

Can the kids talk to the school about the abuse in the hands of the other parent, or can you file an exparte RO against him on your childrens behalf due to the physical abuse towards the kids??

Just some ideas, I would call attorneys tomorrow for free consultations.


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**